Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fcuk yourself. Whichever.

Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

Balloons are so weird... "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.

Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

"Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!" -Idiots.

Fcuk you alarm clock, I have dreams!

Unless you're looking to seriously emotionally damage someone, don't ask me for relationship advice or how to dance.

Never let someone with the significance of a speed bump become a roadblock in your life.