If I was to ever write about my life what would I say, what would be the title, what would I write about? How we lived through the horrid trauma of almost losing my brother and in the end we did anyway no matter our efforts, or my depressing childhood of an overly friendly grandfather, or the numerous attempts of my suicide, or how about the stepfather that I grew to trust more than any one in my life, who decided to tell me that he LOVES me, oh yeah that would make a story. But none of it is relevant to me they are just situations that I have survived. So what do I fill the pages with, lies saying my life was perfect and that the world is made of rainbows, NO. If I am to write about my life, I am going to tell the truth, no matter how hard it is for me, it is the one thing I owe myself, the one thing I can do that no one can take away form me, the one thing that I can call my own.

The truth, what is it to me, over the years I have lost what is the truth and what was lies, my only truth was in the tears I cried silently hidden from every one. All I remember is the pain, the pleasure of dragging the blade across my skin, or the feeling of falling to a sleep I hoped to never wake from. These are my truths, not the people in my life, or how they loved me or helped me. Don't get me wrong I love them more than anyone could know and am glad for their ability to be there for me, but when I look back I don't see them, I only see darkness, a place I have finally escaped. A place that was nothing but truth to me, but now, when I look into its eyes all I see is wasted energy. Now that is a truth that I have come to know, weather or not I want to believe it, it is something that I must live with. No one wants to hear that they wasted their life, but as the person I am the truth is all I have, no one, not even myself can keep it form me.

As a part of healing I must embrace the fact that no matter what has happened in the past I must not let it pull me back, I must hold my head up high and let the tears fall, even though I hate to cry in front of any one, I must, because as the tears fall they wash away everything in my life that had caused me or the ones I love pain. I have to bare their mark that nothing can destroy the life that lives within me. Even if I am reluctant to see it myself, it has to shine; it is the one thing that keeps the truth real.