I'm sorry, I dont speak moron.

That makes me cranky. And when I get cranky, people get injured!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

For Sale-
Large bag of shoes, various sizes, no matches. Call to make an offer, or will trade for snorkel.

This was an actual ad!

If I had the choice between an escalator and an elevator, I'd choose the elevator. If you fall in an elevator, you can pick yourse;f back up. If you fall on an escalator, you just keep falling and falling and falling.....

Have you noticed escalators are never out of order? They're just temporarily stairs...

Eddie?
Mom! We're on High Alert here! I almost killed you right now!
Nevermind!
~Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Sam Fuller: You didn't just call me sister, because I don't recall seeing a little skinny ass white girl around the table growing up.
Gracie Hart: HEY! First of all thank you for calling me skinny

Miss Congeniality 2

I am not going out there as a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be Tina Turner. I can't afford therapy on my salary.
~Miss Congeniality 2- Armed and Fabulous

Saw this on a bumper sticker:

I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason