I swear i'll do it, well.... maybe =/

It tends to happen that once every now and then, (now and then being a daily or every-other day occurrence) that I tend to have the thought of just releasing my soul from its cage. It isn't even like everything has to be going that bad for it to happen, it just tends to be that I ponder about how things would be like if I was one less person and one more statistic.

When things run smoothly, one small spike initiates a stream of thoughts, how much better off would she be, how much better off would my family be, what good have I actually done, does it outweigh the corruption that I've instilled? 80% of the time these answers lead me further away from wanting to push through.

But all it takes are these thoughts to keep pushing the action more and more. The thoughts that unveil pain I endure everyday that effects me and everyone around me even if I dont know. It seems as if I'm the only one who sees this, and everyone else just looks right through it. I have friends who deal with this same problem, and they talk to me and then they're fine. (Its usually like BF, family, small stuff that "overwhelms them so badly" but are really looking for sympathy.) But then when I come to them with something I need to talk about, they turn a cold shoulder, or all of a sudden, they dont see my texts or missed calls.

Its not that I want sympthay, please, dont. You have no reason to feel sorry for me, or for anything that has happened in my life. These thoughts dont come around just because a girl isn't for me, or my dad still hasn't come back at 16 years, or because I've "been a burden more than I should have been". Its a combination and culmination of all of them into one big screw up after another.

Every day is the same monotmous tone, and it never seems like it wavers. Why continue on if every day is just like the last, and every day seems to get worse and worse. One small wound seems to get infected and run deeper in me every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. I just can't help but think that now is the time, and i'm suppose to be the guy who everyone recalls as the boy who took his life in HS.

It just kills me inside because I know I don't want to do it. My hand shakes when the gun is in my hand, my mouth stays closed when the bottle of pills is on my lips, I just don't know what to do, and I know that some day soon, my hand will be steady, and my mouth no longer hesitant, and every problem i've ever had..... will become nothing.

I don't want sympathy, just help in reasoning, and in seeing through this, please.

Maybe it's not this way for everyone, but speaking from personal experience, when that moment happens and your hand is finally steady, the moment you think you have done it, you realize it is all fixable. We all make choices and sometimes the right one isn't always the easy one and life will never be truly easy, especially when we weigh it down with so much baggage. Yep I have failed, I have been a disappointment, I have taken many things for granted, I have lied, cried, yelled screamed, drank, drugged, cut and almost succeeded in killing myself on several occassions, the problem was I wallowed in it and convinced myself nothing would ever change and indeed nothing ever would because I wasn't changing. That place becomes comfortable and any sort of happiness seems to always be just out of reach.

Now I think of all the things I would have missed out on and it makes me ashamed of myself. Things are not perfect now, but I am back in control of my life and slowly but surely embracing the unsure future we all face, the best I can, which is all any of us can do. Truly I would rather spend 10 years fixing myself, than spend 2 careless seconds destroying not only myself, but the people who love me. Sometimes we wonder if really do any good, but how much good can we ever come to accomplish if we die before we even learn to live?

Well the thing is, it's been a problem I've had for years. And the only reason it hasn't happened sooner is because I WANT change. But it seems the more and more I try, the more it seems to be hurting me and everyone else. I don't want to be the cause of other peoples problems.

Is there not a school counsellor you can go to discuss your feelings? they may help or refer you on to somebody who can. i think if your serious about this then you really need to go seek help, afterall i dont think you actually want to do it but you cant help your feelings. i totally understand what its like. its horrible been torn between death and living. i think you really should go for it and get help. i'm a bit confused about that last post where you say you want to change but the more you try the more you hurt people. if i've understood that correctly then i think the people you hurt in the course of changing wwould much rather be hurt a little (or a lot) than find you dead!. the pain of finding somebody you love dead and even worse has done it themselves stays with your forever.

Any advice or post really helps. Its just insight on how others see. The counslers around here are two-faced, and pretty much record what you are saying and turn it over to someone else had happened before and it as just horrible and made things worse.

I want to fix this, I want to feel like I belong. I know I do. But I just can't help but feel that that its just pointless now, and that all i'm going to end up doing is making everything worse and nobody wants that. I just feel like its best overall for everyone you know. Even if it isn't, its just how I feel.

Its only partially dealing with them. Just the feeling of being isolated from soo many situations for way too long. I mean you hear about people overcoming odds everyday and fighting through years of pain and torture, it just seems that through the last few years of fighting as hard as I could to get through all this, It's just either remained stationary at where i'm at, or gotten worse in many aspects.

When you look at your life and you honestly and true heartedly believe that you are better off gone, its scary to even move. The fact that The only thing I have going for me right now is hope. I want everything to change, I try, I vent to anyone who will take it in and try to give me some sort of constructive criticism.

Everyday, even since this post, I've tried to look at life in a different perspective, from how others handle it, and anyway for me to move on. But nothing works, I talk to who can best relate with me, and older people who I can fully trust. With a resounding outcome of no help and me just feeling even more idiotic than usual...

Everyone says suicide is never the outcome, which i've believed true for so long, but it always seems like its a more favorable option. I'm not saying thats my #1 option at the moment. Its not, changing my life is, and always has been, but like I've said I can't stand to think that things won't change and i'll keep getting torn apart peice by peice until hope no longer cures everything.

Well said Jarred, I agree.

It seems to me that you're using the concept of suicide as a bargaining chip to invoke change within your life... trying to rid the monotonous tone of routine by using the penultimate tool of change...

However I gather that my findings are somewhat limited... seeing as I'm using shallow analysis based on your posts...

I believe that you need to find someone who can use the assests used by counsellors, with an unbiased view of your feelings...

You state that you need change, I believe you're recieving it somewhat slightly by asking for other's opinions on what you're currently feeling...