Fear

Hey guys, haven't been around in a while. Haven't been myself in forever. I've been trying my best to do what I think is right, but lately it seems as though I'm only making things worse. I am consumed by fear and anxiety, fear of being alone, fear of being loved. Fear that love doesn't exist. I either talk way to much and say all the wrong things, or I don't say anything at all when things need to be said.

I can't sleep, I have nightmares, that aren't even that. They are dreams about the people I've loved and have pushed away, but I wake up longing for them. I act out of fear instead of love and I don't know how to shake it. I think about it way to much, so I stay up late and wake up early. But don't want to get out of bed. I like to lay there and think of ways to fix myself... but I'm not even sure anythings wrong? In my head I know Im crazy, I can think rationally... but I cant shake these depressing feelings in my heart. Sometimes I think I should face my fears and just leave, take off to someplace else where I really am alone.

As far as I can tell this has happened because I've put to much faith in people, to much hope in love. I let someone in, I tell these girls all we can ever be is friends. They pretend that they only care about who I am, and that they love and except me for my faults. I tell them about my nightmares, my fears... and they say they are silly and then they completely become the people from my dreams. Who I knew never loved me for me, and Im left hanging onto something that was never there. They claim their feelings just changed. That they still love me... but in a different way. Which is bullshit, if you can set conditions on love based on whats in your own personal interest at the time then in my opinion it was never love.

They lie to me and break my heart, convincing me that there are people out there who are capable of caring about something more then themselves. I have nothing but hate and regret left inside, fear that love doesn't exist, and then when everything turns out the way I thought it would they expect my friendship. forgiveness. I blame myself, for letting them down, for not being big enough to make them love me the way they used to. For not being able to let go of something that was never there. How can I forgive them when I cant forgive myself... Im seriously just contemplating leaving it all behind.

"everything turns out the way I thought it would"

Sometimes we self sabotage.

People change, feelings change, sometimes people lie and the feelings were not there to begin with. Life and love is trial and error, sometimes more error unfortunately, but it happens to us all. Before worrying about forgiving them, try and figure out what you need to do to forgive yourself for whatever you feel you are doing wrong and hopefully that will lead to better choices and slowly finding those worthy of not being kept at arms length.

I agree with the self sabotage thing.

Its like I know in my heart that things should have never been, I tried to do the right thing but end up getting so drunk I do the wrong (I don't drink anymore by the way). I let them convince me that there's something there thats not, and when it disappears it breaks my heart. Even when we were together though, I had these dreams... I trusted her enough to tell her about them and now that they've come true she just doesn't care. Acts like she doesn't know how bad she hurt me and that I can just take all my feelings away the same way she did. Its as if we never knew each other. Makes me afraid to trust anyone, if someone I considered to be my bestfriend could just do that to someone they love and look themselves in the mirror, just imagine what they would do to someone they dont care about. However they say keep friends close and enemy's closer. Im just really confused as to which the lesser of two evils is.

I agree with the self sabotage thing as well.
Its so funny sometimes coz we want things to be a certain way yet sometimes we make it the other way.

I have no idea about the enemies and friends thing. I dont really have enemies but ppl i dont like. i tend to keep them closer. so i know whats going on i guess.

xx