I think I need help

I moved from England to the US 7 months ago leaving my boyfriend behind. We're still together and going strong. I'm only staying in the US til next summer when I'll move back to the UK for uni. I've just got back from another visit home and I had the most amazing 2 weeks, Jon and I are still very much in love. But now I'm back in Virginia I feel awful again. I'm only happy when I'm with my boyfriend, I feel empty, like I'm dead inside. He's all I have to hold on to and that's enough to stop me from self-harming. But I still feel like crawling into a hole and going into a coma until he comes over in the summer. Sometimes I wonder if I threw myself down the stairs and broke my leg, would they fly him over to see me? Maybe if I tried to kill myself they would let me back home. And I've been getting these thoughts more and more often and last night I almost did something about it until I thought I might go too far and actually die instead of just hurting myself to the point where I get admitted to hospital and they'll send me home.

I can't stop crying, every time I think of how much I've hurt Jon and how much I love him and need him I just cry even more. I've been asked if I'd be happier if we just broke up but I know I wouldn't, it would push me over the edge as, as I've already said he's the only thing keeping me going. I'm focussing on seeing him again in 112 days but I'm still hurting so badly.

I feel like this all the time I'm here, for 7 months now. At first I was coping ok but now it's just wearing me down. I'm worried that if it carries on I'll do something stupid. I don't want to die. But I don't want to hurt either. I've always been a really positive person and have managed to look on the bright side. I'm logical and so I've always managed to come up with ways to make me feel better like counting how many times I'll wash my hair before I see him again, how many times I'll wear each t-shirt before I see him. I know it sounds stupid but it really does help. But it's not helping much any more.

I think I need help but I don't know who I can go to. I talk to Jon about it but it's not fair on him for me to dump all of my problems on him. He said he wants me to talk to him about everything and I do. I've told him all of this. But he thinks I might need to see someone too. I just don't know where to look for help.

Ideas please?

Em xXx

That's kind of why I posted, I don't want to hurt myself because I know it would hurt him. He understands because he suffered from depression when he was a little younger, before he met me almost 3 years ago now which is why, when he's suggested seeing a professional I'm considering it. I do write poetry and it makes me feel a little better but I'm still feeling really, really bad. Like I'm dying inside. It's like my insides have turned black and the only thing there is my heart which is beating for him. I just don't know what to do any more. But if I do want to see a professional, everyone will think I'm crazy, they'll treat me like some kind of idiot at school and I don't know what my parents would say. I just don't know where to go from here. Although I do think I need to see someone.

xXx

Anyone? Help? Please?

Ok I have new stuff to add. I've found out that my sister feels exactly the same way I do and she said that she's also been thinking about self-harming recently. Now I'm worried about her too, she's only 14. I just. I don't know what to do. Who do I go to? What do I tell them? I can't take this any more, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Please anyone, help.

xXx

Sometimes we just get over run by our feelings. I know it's not like you moved down the street or something, but you have been back home to see him, you talk, you write and next summer you get to move back. Start thinking more of the positive things that happening, like the visit you just had, the one your going to have, the times you get to talk, all of that should mean more because you are so far apart and hopefully it is making your relationship stronger, he said you can lean on him and he seems to have your best interests in mind, so just breathe...

I tried to talk to my parents this evening. They didn't take me seriously, they said "oh. you'll get over it." And "You didn't seem miserable 3 weeks ago." Don't they understand the concept of being able to hide your feelings?! They always go on about how we should talk to them about stuff and now, the first time that I ever have they're just not listening to me. What am I supposed to do?