Abusing

Since this topic has been recently on my mind constantly, I would like to share with everyone my experiences about abusing.

The ones who don't know me: I am Noor, a girl from Finland. I was married with a Chinese. After first year of my marriage he started abusing me. It lasted more than two years.. Yes, two years was a long time.. Why I just did not leave him..? Well, I thought I could change him by loving him (how naive, isn't it??).. And I had this great respect towards to marriage.. For my it was holy...so holy I did not want to break it.. And you thing was I had no experience about relationships...I was too young and naive and stupid..

Well, anyway... I would be interested what You think about abusing in general. My interests to knowing this is because I am considering telling my parents about this.. They have no idea about it.. I never told truth about my marriage.. I lied I was fine all these years..

Any suggestion for me what should I do? I just want to deal these emotions and stop lying to myself and people..

"I was married with a Chinese."

Doesn't really matter what nationality he was, he was abusive. sound's like you have dealt with it somewhat.

"I was too young and naive and stupid.. "

But you know better now, I am glad you took yourself out of that situation. It can be hard to talk about it, go to the one closest to you first and just let them know what happened and the shame you felt that kept you from admitting the truth before now.

Good luck, best wishes and stay safe.

What you need Noor is some counselling to help you deal with your emotions in the correct outlet, I think you need to first find a way to deal with your traumatic issues before you speak with your parents...

You have nothing to hide or keep secret,people can't help you if they don't know. I think telling your parents would be a good idea,its a start.Don't help him by covering up for him,expose him for what he is. you have to come to value yourself too much to allow anyone to treat you that way.Be strong and determined to rise above this and learn from it. talk about it,it helps.

Dear beautiful chaos, HAVE you been in China?

Abusing is a great problem there. And nobody wants to speak it up. Can you imagine a situation he beated me up in front of his mother and she did NOTHING to stop it..?

Well, I want to WARN people also..

I know I was not the only wife there was beated there...

Proud mom: He beated me up and also sexually abused me.. Beside this he forced me to do a lot of things.

Yes, I tried couciler, it didn't work.. Talking these things to people I know is very difficult.. I scare their reaction.. And I don't want people's pity.. I don't want they just think "poor little girl...so sad, so sad"... I just wish people would understand me better..

I want to talk, but I have so much to say... And I don
t want to cover him. He did wrong, no excuses for doing this to anyone..

Couple months ago he appeared to my door. I don
t know how he found out where I live.. I was scared.. I had forgave him in my heart but it was too much for me to agree to meet him. He said he wanted to say sorry but this situation meeting ever again is too much for my psyche... I can not bear it. It is extremely stressful even it has been nearly couple of years I left him behind..

What he has done to be effect my current relationships.. I am suspicious towards to man.. I feel I can not let them near me.. I scare they would hurt me again.. I was lucky to "survive".. I mean I didn't go insane but it was close.... I had suicidal thoughts and same time I had strong willing to survive this... Surviving feelings were stronger..

I have not talk about this for my parents, because during this marriage he denyed me to be in any connection with them and he forced me to wrote notes to tell them (edited out) and I hate you".. Also my parents don't understand why I ignored them but same time I was scared he would hurt them also..

After spending these years in China when I came to parents again my sister looked deeply upon me. She thought I have been wh*re or something.. And everyone thought I am bad. It was so hurting...I wanted to tell them but same time I wanted to protect them from truth.. I was not welcome to my home.. But I tried to get closer them again but I still did not get very close..

One thing I have not get over is that he called me stupid, worthless piece of crap. I still have this image about me in my head.. So I try to study now and get some good degree just to approve myself I am not stupid (how pathetic, isn't it?)

I appreciate your advices, I trying to find a way to get rid off the ghost in past..

The problem you seem to have is being too insecure that you'd make up excuses just to justify that your relationship with the man was somehow normal, there may be many reasons for you to do that, loneliness, proving your family wrong, no money...

You've taken this man's words to heart... and frankly you are articulate, smart and savvy... so you shouldn't worry...

Abuse is a form of little man syndrome. you will always be better than someone who beats you up.

Noir: Thanks for your words.. I appriciate. :)

The thing is before I even met him I have had really b-a-d self-confidence. Why? Thanks to my schoolmates.. In primary school I was the most hated and unpopular and surely ugliest person in the whole school. I heard every other day my shoes were out of fashion or I was fat or whatever. Main reason they this was jealousy of my school success. But anyways, they really found a way to make me feel insecure..

And when I met my ex, I told him I had bad self-confidence.. I told him all the painful things about me and my memories. And later he used all this to create more pain inside of me..

Also beside this my ex gave me a lot of pressure about outlooks. He always criticize me..

If you imagine you really love something, every word he said meant a lot for me...

And these things, even I try to tell myself every single day I am good at this, I am good at that.. There will be a image about me as an ugly, stupid, fat insecure girl...

BANGBANG: Thanks for your answer. I appreciate it.. You know, he thought he was nearly like God. He denyed every authority above him.. Well, maybe this was something to do with Chinese culture... Funny, I remember he said "I am your God. You do everything I want..."

Well kids are cruel unless you have the right network... They'll always pick on those different than them...

I was like you except it was my family who criticised, i was verbally abused and beaten, since the age of 6... I was told to grow up pretty quickly... because I was the first born... I was called abnormal, animal, dumb because I was a very trusting and very playful... and for those years I subconsciously believed their words...

I obviously rebelled against them, but their actions were so painful I entertained the thought of taking my own life...but I honestly realised that I was never those words... Insecurity placed doubt in my mind... and thankfully I've learnt to forgiven my family... You need to sit down and look/reflect at your life, trust me you'll see that all those words were false and heightened by your insecurity...

Your ex must have feared that you'll rebel which is why he used that tactic... Sad!

Noir: I think I have a lot of bad memories in my life. My parents were not so supportive either. They didn't understand how much I was injured by this awful kids.. I told them they were bulling me and mom just said "don't care about that". She thought 7-year-old girl is able to ignore this kind of things like adult.. So...maybe this is one of the reason I have never liked telling bad news to my parents, because I think they won't react be or understand...

Well, maybe I am not all good and there is a certain reason why people have done these things for me..

I try to figure out the answer. Thanks for supporting, I like your pure friendliness..

Parents they are soo rigid... but from what I can tell Noor, you need to talk your feeling, your thinking and understand why you feel this way and how can you overcome insecurity... Families are sometimes too conservative... but right now focus on yourself...

And believe me you are not stupid...I don't speak to stupid people...lol

Maybe also I have some need to clear my parents about things.. Maybe I want to give them some explanation..You know this might sound funny but if think really my situation... I have always tried to "deserve my parents love". I used to play violin, guitar, flute, piano...anything...to be "good" in their eyes.. Maybe...there is...still some "need" for me to let them accept me..

But...also...I was stupid and naive to fell for first guy who said anything nice for me. :/ I had no previous boyfriend and I had not even date anyone before him.

Mostly I have not done that because my parents were very strict to me about dating and guys...and anyway..I was so unattractive..

And also I liked China a lot because suddenly everyone loved me there... They thought I am beautiful and I even did modelling...I felt a bit better after my outlooks, but my ex took care I would not like myself too much...

Well...I still keep thinking how to deal these things so I could have a healthy relationship with someone.

All the best till then.. :)

-Noor-

I feel bad about your story. I come from a home where my mom was abused for year, and sometimes this still reoccurs. I wish I could give you words that would express how I honor your acts of leaving this man. It is such a big possibility that one of his abusive acts could have very well killed you...

I think that you should be open with your family when you are ready. If you tell them before hand their reactions might just make you feel worse about what happened to you, and thats something you do not need at this fragile state in your life. Opening up about what happened will bring out a lot of old demons you never really coped with so you must think long and hard before you actually tell your loved ones what you experienced.

I am sorry you had to experience all this but you were strong enough to see that you do deserve happiness and what he was doing was wrong..I give you a lot of credit and wish you the best in your recovery...

When a person tells you over and over negative things about yourself you begin to believe them,That makes it easier for them to control you.Its a form of brainwashing,Its called "battered wife syndrome" I'm glad you found the strength to leave him.that shows you can be strong. Just know this...there are kind , gentle, honest men out there . just make sure thats what they are before you get too involved.My heart goes out to you,you have been through a lot!

Dear Gabriella,
Thanks for showing support. You are such a sweetheart. My story is just a lesson for everyone else to learn. I wish nobody would repeat my mistakes and things happened..

So, are you saying in your family...even now...your mom is abused sometimes..?

I love my family...And I have now tried to open this dark book of mine to them, but my daddy is just bitter to me about I didn't listen their adviced to stay away from him. This advice was given because of their racistic attitudes.. I didn't want to take it.. And they are bitter I went to another side of the world to escape the "the personal hell" who was made by them and so others.

Also, I should say..Before this episode with him happened I had a bad argument with my parents.. They overcontrolled my life. They tried to destroy all my life because they think my life was wrong and they thought they were doing a big favour.

Yes, Noor was some kind of kid who caused a lot of headaches to my parents in early teenager years..

So, maybe this situation...relationship between my parents and I is 50% my fault and 50% their fault.

Deana: Yes, I was kind of brainwashed to believe I have no ability to do anything and I was nothing and nobody in this world...

Well I left him and Beijing, but he and Beijing did not leave my head alone. I always ask myself "who I am".. It is sometimes hard to tell an answer...

At least I can admit I have big problem about self confidence. I feel myself worthless comparing to others. I look up all the people and think how brave they are..

Maybe I should change this thinking way...and become a hero of my own life...

But before I can become a hero...I will need someone to tell me..."you are good...you are ok...".. Rome was not build in a day, neither my self confidence.

Noor,

Even if they don't understand, maybe it will make you feel better telling them the truth. If you don't feel you can face them, maybe you could write them a letter. I think if you tried to talk to a counselor and it didn't work out for you, maybe you should try a different one or a support group for battered women. You should never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Keep reassuring yourself and trying to find the positive. I am sorry to hear of such an aweful period in your life. Keep your head up!

Noor:
I hate to speak out of "school" not knowing or pretending to know your culture. There is one thing I can tell you that might hopefully help you though....No woman, man, or child can lie to their own heart, it always knows the truth and when we set out to deceive our own hearts we blind sight the whole world.
I wish you the best and hopefully you already know what you have to do...it helps yes, to ask others what to do, but I hope you listen to your own self and do what you already know.
Sending you love,
Linda
aka MoonShine

Dear Linda.
About the culture...I have no culture. I have been raised up in meeting point of culture.. But this abusing happened in Chinese culture and Chinese athmosphere. It is complicated system and if you don't live inside the system you can't really understand it well.

Yes, no heart can lie to itself..that is true..so true..

Thanks for wishes. I am still walking this path...to getting a normal life.. Living a normal happy life with normal "happy" relationships. I know my limits and listening others can make my view wider about the things so I listen to it but same time create my own opinion.

Still, there is a long path to walk but I believe people together are strong.

All the best for you Linda.

-Noor-

Physical or Mental abuse is something that no woman should have to put up.

I know it's weird to say, but I've been spit on and nose busted open by a woman. I wouldn't hit her back because I don't think it's right for a man to hit a woman, eventually one of my friends(female) took her aside and told her to stop it.

I don't think much of men who hit women..actually I don't care much about them, and by much if they died tomorrow I think that the world would be a better place.

I have a bad temper, but never have I hit a woman, I am proud of few things in my life, but that fact that I'm a man is something that I'm very proud of.

I would tell them the truth..they will understand, if they don't then they really shouldn't consider themselves human. It's inhumane to expect someone to put up with abuse when you tried to work it out...and it didn't work, it's obvious you're a wonderful person...misguided but very wonderful.

You can do a lot better.

Noir my family has had to cope recently with three generations all sexually abused by the same relative. Do you know what he said to his six and eight year old grand daughters. That if they told he would shoot himself... or he would have gone to prison.

He was wrong ... I would have killed him, he has damaged the lives of nine girls, my only regret is he couldn't have suffered more when his lungs packed in and he escaped detection. Funny how this all came out after he was gone.