Is this crazy?

I looked up my mom on the internet tonight(not the first time). This might be perfectly normal if she was alive but she's not. I found a site that had her name and her city and her age and it was all right and i knew it must be hers. But i have to sign up to see her profile. I did and it said i need to look at my email to confirm and it never came. So I obsessively texted my bf and asked him if he could do it for me on his computer but his computer isn't working.

I saw the outside of the profile and it said
Is [insert mom's name] married or dating?
Find Out Now!
Reconnect with [i m n]
Join Now!
What's on [i m n]'s mind?
Find out Now!

When I saw this I felt like dying. I cried for awhile because I can't reconnect or find out what she's thinking and I want to so badly! It just made it sound so real like at the click of a button my mom would be alive again. If only.

I started typing her name into google, her maiden name, all the cities she lived in, all the usernames she had that i know of, everything i could think of and everytime i searched i found nothing of importance. Nothing about her except that one thing i already tried.

I just feel so disappointed. What did i expect, to find some site she created that holds all the answers i need??? I have to keep convincing myself she's never coming back. I know that but when I find pieces of her like on that site, i get the delusion that she might somehow still be alive. I just get so obsessed about finding things about her. That's insane isn't it. It's been 5 years!!! Shouldn't I be past that??? Am I insane to feel this way?

~Toni~

Insane to long for your mother? I don't think you insane at all, just hurting and looking for something.

I believe each person deals with situations differently. You really miss your mother and you want her around you. You want her to hold you and just generally be there. Your mourning the loss of probably the most important person in your life is expectable to feel strange and to try comtemplate the idea she is gone. Chances are your pretty angry too, lashing out at the people closest to you.

It is to be expected that you are feeling this way, loss leads to the most unexplainable emotions and actions.

You have to find a way of dealing step by step of your loss. When my best friends cousin died she was lost. We were sitting outside one night and she just broke down. I told her to lie back and look up. Then I told her to pick a star that represented her.

Although your mother is not there visably, her presence will live on for as long and you want it to. She will be there behind you for everything you do in your future laughing at your mistakes and keeping an eye on your choices of life. Be strong and live to celebrate her life rather than mourn her death.

All the best Alex xx

Thank You everyone, it just kinda scares me when i get so obsessive over things like that. I know she's never coming back but i need her here.

It would be better if i atleast had an ok relationship with my dad but he reamarried to my stepmom 4 and 1/2 months later the day b4 mother's day and mother's day is coming up so i've been extra depressed lately. I just saw her name on the site and i thought, she made this and one point in her life, this is part of her, i need to see it!

I get obsessive over other things too, mostly my past. I just started messaging my step sister after not being allowed to talk to her for 3 years and b4 i talked to her i searched for her myspace or a pic of her b/c i was so obsessed about finding her and talking to her again.

I spend my days daydreaming about the past and things i could have done or said. I have entire (usually screaming) conversations in my head form years ago.

I wish i could go back. That's all I want. To relive everything, make changes. I need my old life back. I need my mom.

Thank you everyone who replied to this. I was probly being over dramatic but i usually get that way around holidays, especially mother's day.

No it isn't crazy....
I feel that way about lots of people, some dead some alive but it's nearly impossible to get them to come to me... I used to live in NewZealand and now I'm in Bahrain, I'm so emotionally attached to NewZealand that I sometimes believe that one day I'll wake up from this comma (see I believe I'm in a comma, or even a really bad long nightmare) and open my eyes in my room... it might not be like you just described it but it's close enough. Moms are the hardest to lose and loseing them is a hard matter to swallow, and after you said what you said I even believed that she might be alive. You're not crazy, it's just a hard thing to deal with.

I was taught the "stages of grief" right after my mom died and i heard about shock, disbelief, and denial but i didn't know they were sposed to last this long, i guess i kinda think it's unhealthy to care this much after 5 years, but at the same time i'm afrraid to NOT miss her, i'm afraid i'll forget more than i've already forgotten