Princiiples

Recently ( july 7th ) my 11 year old accidently set our whole home on fire while I was at work. Everyything was a total loss, including his pet who died that we had for years. Yet the newspapers feel he was not punished enough, even though I signed him up for "fire classes" and counseling. I feel that he has suffered enough. He saw his cat die in my arms, h saw our whole house go up in a blaze, he has seen me cry night and day over everything we lost. What is enough punishment, I ask?

Point the blame then. Until you are there in that moment you cant even think of feeling what I feel. He was ALONE because he is almost 12 and because I am a single parent and have no money for childcare. Yet I still had to go to work just to kep on, keeping on. Be as judgemental as you want, but until you walk a mile, quit half/ half stepping. And yes I said that right, read it again if you didnt get it the firsrt time.

Being a parent of an 18 year old son, who did his share of exploring the world I have something to say to you.
Accidents do happen, even when you are at home.
It is tragic that in our modern society women are forced into a position to chose between leaving a child alone or die of starvation. In so called primitive cultures there is a whole group of women watching over the young ones.
I too think your boy suffered enough and you yourself must have gone through hell as well.
Try to put it behind you and be very grateful God has spared your son!

I don't get the point of posting the story if you are going to be so defensive. None the less, I guess that would depend on the circumstances that led to him accidentally setting the house on fire. You, as his parent, are responsible. How would you feel if he had died in the fire? And do you think that grief would be punishment enough for you? His cat died as a result of his actions, which came about as a result of your own. Classes and counseling is a good thing, but who is taking responsibility? I am sorry you lost everything, but he made it through, now is the time to make sure something like this doesn't happen again, he is not the only one who needs to learn a lesson here.

That is what i think. He went back in 2 @ times!! He could have died. I have nothing in my heart but love for all mankind. But i am eternally grateful for what was actually given.

I am defensive because he is my child. , i wouldnrt care what he did. i love him.

I have never said I am blameless. My heart is racked without you telling me. Do you honestly think I dont die? Everyday I cry about what we lost, not just material, but i cry over the guilt my son must feel and i dont want him to feel bad.

You cannot change what has happened. Talk with your son. Tell him how much you love him and how glad you are his life was spared. Tell him that, although he is still very young, you expect him to have learned from this and that the life that was once given to him, could also be taken from him again in the blink of an eye. It is useless for either of you to feel guilty. See it as a learning experience and try to find someone to watch over him, maybe a college student, who is willing to help you out for a very small amount of money in return? Or a free meal on the evenings you need her/his help?

I hope you feel a little better now:)

Ingrid

I don't think it's about blame to say that I personally don't think he is old enough to be left alone,I don't know about your state but in some it is actually illegal.Kids make mistakes,If he did it intentionally then I would think he needs counseling,if it was an accident then why should he be punished for being human.I believe in most states there are org. who can help single mothers who can't afford childcare. Maybe you could write a letter to the editor and ask , instead of criticizing why not give me names of free childcare. He could be traumatized by what happened,encourage him to talk about it and assure him that you feel the same about him and always will.I think kids need unconditional love!

I am not sure how the accident occurred but I have to agree, regardless, it was your responsibility. My daughter is very mature for her age, but @ 11 she won't be home by herself, in fact here, it is illegal, I believe the age is 12 and even then it would depend on the maturity of the child. I had to work 2 jobs to pay for child care and also depend on friends and family when I could. You do whatever it takes to keep your child safe, on this day you were lacking, hopefully it never happens again, but atleast you are both safe.

He set off a fire work in the home. As stated before, I do not think I am blameless. In my state there is not an age limit on leaving a child home alone, they go off of maturity. He had shown through experience since January of this year that he was capable and mature of being home alone. It started out just a couple of hours after school, then graduated to him being able to stay by himself for longer periods and he had never done this type of thing before. I now do have him in a free latchkey program for the summer. The fire classes I signed him up for were not for punishment but as a tool to teach him the severity of what fire could do. The counseling is for his emotional health because I dont want him to be filled with guilt and take the wrong path in life because of it, and BTW I am also attending counseling with him.

No, his father is not around. Well, maybe two or times a year, if you want to call that "around". I dont have any family. I do have friends but they also work. i honestly thought he was mature enough to stay home, he hadnt proved otherwise in more than 7 months. I do blame myself, and it really bothers me that he must also.

Thank you for your best wishes. Fortunatley I have a good job and we are on the way to recovering our material possesions, but the nightmare of what could have happened wont leave me. Trust me, I know, I could have lost my child that day. It replays in my head over and over, and in my nightmares there are different results.

Cyrano, I honestly cant use his father as an excuse. It had not been a recent split. I left him when my son was 9 months old, even though I had been with him for 7 years prior to that. It was not a healthy relationship. There is nothing like the birth of a child to wake you up and change our priorities. Prior to that, less than a year before we had a daughter who died and I found I could no longer stay after my son was born.

Usually in states where there is no law and it is up to individual maturity level, you can still be charged with child endangering because something serious happened. Especially in this case your son lit a firework in the house, proving he is not mature enough to be home alone. You are lucky you didn't go to jail.

Don't they have assistance with child care in your area for single parents?

Everyone makes mistakes. You are brave to share your story here and face criticism. Forgive yourself, forgive your son, help him to get through this, be happy he wasn't hurt or killed, be happy you are not in jail. Hopefully both of you have learned an important lesson.

Material items can be replaced, a life can not.

You cannot change what happened but you can chage the future (talk to him about it and spend time with him and make sure he knows you dont blame him