Don't know how much longer I can take it

i keep getting into these really freaky moods where i just feel an overwhelming saddness that i can do nothing about. when this happens i have a really strong urge to cut, like if i dont i will die. the only thing that stops me is that i sincerely dont want to hurt amanda again. but i dont know how much longer i can resist. i almsot feel like i'm deteriorating and i dont know what i can do. i think i need professional help but i hate counselors......maybe i'm overreacting but i think i might do something soon that i'll really regret.....can anyone help???????

i am goig to a therapist on monday but im really not looking forward to it and i dont think that this will help anything because when i get uncomfortable with something i just shut off

yea
my username is guardfaerie09@yahoo.com