Feeling like im outta straws

I was just looking around, and lately I've just been realising that something is seriously wrong with me. I dont consider myself completely suicidal, but I can count more times where I've felt like i'm just not fully into life, regardless of how much I've committed to furthering my happiness. It really isn't like one thing that would push me to certain thoughts, but I'll just be sitting there, and think about how driving my car off the cliff 10 miles away, or being ran into in the middle of an intersection by a drunk driver.

It's weird because I know I have a problem, but I can't let anyone know, people see me so differently and the fear of letting them know something is actually wrong with me is more painful than hiding it. A lot of the time I just sit at night, on my computer listening to music or writing poetry, and I'll look at life, and realise that in 17 years, nothing has been the way life should be, and its like there's nothing here...

There's this huge desired to just be loved, and cared by someone, without the melodramatic emotional crying from when something like this goes out to a friend or someone somewhat near. Because that does nothing for me. Knowing that the point in life when I feel the lowest is the only time anyone seems to be around...

Idk, I just can't seem to think straight anymore, and I just feel like something huge is missing. I've tried everything, relationships, religion, sports, extracurricular activities, but something always just seems to be missing, and it just continuously knaws at me and its just broken me down more and more.

I put more onto me than what I should. Whether its school, sports, or just making it to work when I need to, I feel like everything is just adding onto each other and it's all piling up... I want to let go of whats making me struggle, but at the same time letting go of certain things would completely disappoint those who do believe in me =/

Its just like there's all this distress that doesnt seem like it really needs to be there.

Idk I guess Im just confused as to whats in store for me, but at the same time, i'm almost scared to see where its going to lead me, considering the events leading up to this point in my life....

"I want to let go of whats making me struggle, but at the same time letting go of certain things would completely disappoint those who do believe in me =/"

If they really believe in you, they should believe in anything you want to do. It is good to push yourself and see how far you can go in something, but atleast make sure it is something that is adding to your life, not taking away.

I try to alter the formula of my life, taking away the things I think that are making me the way I am, and balancing as much as I can to try to eliminate the bad.

But after 17 years of just everything I've done, culminating into who I am now, and to be honest, I'm emotionally sick when I look at myself in the mirror. Knowing who I am and what I've become, it isn't even the fact that i'm a bad person, I could be far worse, but its just I know im better than this, and I just let myself down.

I try to be the change I want to see in myself, but it just seems that im always changing the wrong things.

"I try to alter the formula of my life, taking away the things I think that are making me the way I am, and balancing as much as I can to try to eliminate the bad."

^^ I, personally, don't think it is possible to eliminate all of the bad things in life. If a person is born happy with every aspect of their life, they would never know what real happiness is, because they would always feel the same thing, and it wouldn't mean anything to them, ya know?

"I try to be the change I want to see in myself, but it just seems that im always changing the wrong things."

^^ You say you're changing the wrong things, but isn't that what life is about -- changing; growing? I mean, if someone isn't happy with something in their life, they change it; whether it be the people they surround themselves with, their jobs -- anything, in hopes to better themselves and their lives.

I know I don't know you, but hey -- if you ever just need to talk, feel free to PM me. :]

I'm in the same predicament. Feel free to talk to me at any time.

I understand what your going through, if you want to talk more in depth or anything you can pm me alright?

You have to be random, and if it goes wrong don't dwell and sulk but just get back up and try something else!

like.... eating tea and breakfast time. have a nice roast when you first wake up. it will change everything and you'll be fresh, ready. or.... hmmm, more ready than if you went along in your normal way.

DJ

Honestly, your whole post looks like something I would have written a couple of years ago. And I really don't know what to tell you.

I hate to say that it's a hormonal thing based on your age, but that would be my guess as to what it is. I was so determined to be happy, and I felt like I wasn't for so long. I don't remember what changed me or even when exactly, but I'm so incredibly happy and at peace with myself now.

It probably doesn't help for anyone to tell you "things get better", but you need to count on that. Make the best of things the way they are now, and eventually it will come easier. Stop trying to change yourself for everyone and just accept you the way you are. Things will fall into place.

And I know it isn't an easy thing to accomplish. Have you considered talking to a counselor of some sort? Even just for venting purposes- it might help you put things in order a little bit. Don't be embarrassed to need someones help- more people than not go through what you're going through right now.

I know that you're going to get better- and I hope you know it soon too. Someday you can look at a person a few years younger that feels the same way you do now and know that you got through it, and that they also will.

I wish you the best, I really do. And I hope you'll consider talking to someone about everything- you might feel that no one understands but it really puts a perspective on things for you. Take care.

I think at some point in everyones life they experience feelings of this sort. u need to take time for you. maybe since u havent opened up to anyone yet, and u say that everything u have tried hasnt worked, maybe opening up would take a load of ur shoulders and make u feel somewhat lighter and not as helpless. earlier this year i was going through a similar stage like this. i still have the feelings lingering inside me to this day. As if nothing mattered and no matter what i did was so pointless and repetitive. I made some major changes in my life and found myself to be somewhat depressed from the outcome, but overall in the long run it made me a lot happier and more able to do things i had been missing out on.

Open your mind and open your heart and let whatever u are feeling pour out, to a certain individual you trust and care for because they might be able to help you out and help u feel not so alone, maybe their companionship is the missing link you have been searching for.

I hope this helped. much love and hope for better days my friend.

p.s. if you ever wish to talk, feel free to message me anytime.

Well, I HAVE this feeling too