Did i kill her?

At 11:30 pm December 31st 1999 i was off with my fathers family awating the NEW YEAR, Off in a different city only 20 minutes away my dear cousin was being shot at and was hit three times.
January 3, 2000 she was pronounced brain dead and taken off life support.
When i turned 13 i began to remember parts of that day. The last day i had seen her the day she died.
Two hours before she died i had been at her house and i was angry at her and i told her i never wanted to see her again. i told my mom i didnt want her to come so she stayed.
Now its been almost nine years and every single day i have regreated those words i said to her. and i regreated to remember. I had no memory of her until i found a picture of her and soon after all the memories returned.
I cry every new years and every birthday.
i dont know how to get over it and i dont know how to deal with the fact that i could have saved her.
I want to tell her how much i am sorry for those words i said to her.
I feel like i killed her because i left her there.

NO! You had absolutely no way of knowing what was going to happen later that day. There is no reason live your life hating yourself for this. Talk to someone. Someone you can trust. I assure you others will say the same. My mom died in front of my eyes seconds after i had told her i hated her. It took many people telling me i didn't kill her for me to even start to believe it. I uderstand the guilt and regret you must feel. Just know wherever your cousin is, she has forgiven you.
Much love,
~stillmomsgirl~

You were mad. Did you know if you left her there she would be shot? Did you instruct people to shoot at her? I will assume no to both questions. Anyone would feel guilty but you have to find a way to let it go and just remember the good times the 2 of you shared, find your own way to speak to her, write a poem, a letter, talk to her as if she is right there in front of you, whatever you have to do, but you have to let go of that guilt.

Hey, I'm sorry about your friend dieing. But you have to let it go. It wasn't your fault at all. Sometimes things happen, and we don't udnerstand.. or we start finding excuses of what to blame. A good friend of mine died once, He was hit by a car. I told myself.. "Had I driven my routine way to town, I would have passed him and could have picekd him up." No, I would have been possibly the first to watch him get hit by a car. See what I'm trying to say, is the reason for things happening the way they do.. May not seem like the best way.. But God knows why it all happens. And it could have been you being shot at too.. and dieing wit her? I'm sure thats a scary thought now.. maybe later you'll be thinking! "I'd rather be the one to die than her" But the truth is.. God has a reason and a time for everything that happens. And it was her time. Again I'm sorry for your friend. But don't go blaming yourself. okay :)

Listen i cant say i know what your going through i have never lost anyone close to me
it was not your fault she died she loves you, and i bet right now her spirit is with you she knows you didnt mean what you said we all say stupid things when we are angry it was just her time to go

To answer your questin Jarred she was bieng shot at because on that night two people a man and a women wearing black masks begna to shoot randomly and my cousin was used as a shield by her own father. He tried to hide behind her. the bullet that went through her head ended on his left abdoment. They shot three of her brothers which they survived but they are left with scars. The man and women who shot them were looking for money and they were never caught.
i know i didnt personally kill her but its just the guilt of it all that is killing me. It took me atleast seven years to see her siblings again. and we all cried together and remebered her no one knows that i said that to her or no one remembers.
I feel like i let her die...

U cant keep blaming ur self. u could have never guessed in ur wildest dreams she would have died then. it was fate not the words that killed her. it was the sick fuck who shot her that holds all the guilt and wrong. family fights and say words that burn but its just a way of venting. death is something u will never be able to erase from ur memories but there is a way in conquering it. never think that ur cousin died thinkin u hated her because the truth is she knew that deep down u loved her. no amount of words could change that. yes u said horrible things yes u will have regrets but dont live with that guilt. your cousin would not want u to walk around thinking you killed her! your love is unbreakable and no words will change that not even death will change that. and just think of what would have happen if u would have stayed to? u could have died just the same way. God took her because it was her time, he saw that she was needed in heaven more than on earth. who knows she is prolly looking down on u rite now or even that angel that watches over u. God bless u and may she rest in peace * if u need anything else u kno where to find me trust me ive been here and know what its like*

Thanx allysa i have thought of what would have happened if i would have stayed there. and sometimes i wish i could have so i would be up there with her but...thanx for your words. they do help. and i guess knowing i can survive this makes me realize that i am stronger that what i actuallygive myself credit for. its just the fact that one choice changes or determines someones life. and i made a wrong choice that cost her her life

anonym. thanks i know now i am not alone. not with all these stories i have heard and i have cried for many.. thanks for being one of those to give your support.

thanks to everyone.

No prob, thats y we r all here becuz we have something in common and through that we can help each other

Thanks james. i know i had nothing to do with her death. but i think i know now that the pain will alway be there but the guilt is diminishing because you have all helped me through this.
thank you so much.

I kinda understand how u feel. my boyfriend just passed away and i feel like it was my fault because the last words i said to him were "i wish i never would of went out with && you i hate you" and as he was walking to my house to try and talk to me he got jumped by about 7 guys that had kiddnaped him then killed him. and i cry about it everyday because since he was coming to my house to see me i feel it was my fault. but no its really not our faults god just felt it was their time to go. =/

You can't blame yourself for that, it was her fate to die the day she died. Even if she did come with you she still would've died, there is nothing you could've done to save her... The thing with people is they only say it was a persons time to go when a person dies naturally, but it is a persons time to die whenever the person dies... the length of our life is chosen by god and when that time is over we die no matter how young or healthy we are.
The point is she's dead and there is nothing you can do to bring her back so don't blame yourself. If you want to get rid of the guilt the only thing you can do is forgive yourself and bring back her memory by doing something nice in her honor.

My dad left when i was 3, he is an alcoholic and has let me down so s many times anyway 1 day last year he got in contact with me and wanted 2 spend the day with me, i agreed. anyway the day we were meant 2 spend together i did not hear from him and felt so angry and hurt that he had let me down yet again. anyway later that day i got a phone call saying a gang had broken into his house the previous night and beaten him so badly he was left with permanent brain damage and various other injuries. i could not believe what he looked like when i finally saw him, my dad now the man who cant walk, talk or remember anything, i felt so guilty for all the things i had said when i assumed he had ditched me.

but what happened to your cousin is not your fault and you need 2 know that. your cousin is watching over you and doesnt want you 2 feel this way. you had no control over what happened and nore did she. it was just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. i know its hard but blaming yourself will only make it harder for you. if it were up 2 you, your cousin knows you would change every second of that day.