All Cutting/Self-harm issues use this thread only - #16

&& I've slipped.
I'm back to the cutting board -bit of dark humor for you there-.
&& I don't know what to do. My support has quit on me.
I can't tell my mom, she's a teacher and tells me all the time how stupid and ugly and gross it is for kids in her class to cut themselves.
I got really sick of it. I am really sick of it.
&& Idk what to do.

I was lucky, when i cut i was with someone i cared for so much and he knew it. so one day he saw the fresh cuts on my arm and told me this:

"everytime you cut yourself imagine you are cutting me. imagine you are putting me thru all this pain because next time you see me i will have a cut for each one you make."
i never wanted to hurt him but i thought he was bluffing to make me stop. a few nights later i did it again, he saw and the next time i saw him he did exactly what he said, he cut himself. not as deep but still it hurt me to see that and know i was the cause. in a sense he saved my life.

I don't even know what to do because all i think about is how easy it would be to just kill myself and a couple of weeks ago i took about 30 pills because i was so stressed out and figured that it would be so easy it just made me really sick but i use to cut and the only reason i stoped was because i moved in with my boyfriend and it is really hard to do that because we spend so much time with each other but right now i can't find one thing to make me want to live and i have this painful feeling in my chest i need a little help with the good things in life i know no one knows me but anything can help right now. thats to any one who could help.

Good things don't just appear in life, you have to make them happen and want them to happen, good things can be happening all around us, but if we don't want to see it, we don't. You say you stopped when you lived with your bf because you spent so much time together, but honestly if you wanted to cut, you could have, there's always a way. Taking pills, well depending on the choice, your more likely to just do liver damage than actually kill yourself. Become passionate about something, everyone has dreams and ambitions, use those things to lift yourself up and find something that really makes you happy. If you don't have good people in your life, get out and meet new people, be daring and adventurous, finally decide that you are going to rule your life, not the emotional turmoil we allow to consume us. Everyday is a struggle, but it gets easier when you finally decide you have had enough and you need to change.

^^ Very well said.And i took your advice and i've got an appointment in the morning with a new doctor.I hope this one works for me.Thanks for the help BC.

I'm so glad to hear that Cory, I really hope it works out for you.

Thanks, I also found an SI support site that is very helpful.I just don't know if i can post the link on here.If it's not allowed just PM me and i will send the link.Otherwise i will post it.

I use to cut and then i met him and my life turned right side up...i started to see the good in life and i know that this sounds really cheesey but its true...sometimes all we need is that someone or something to help us get through a tough time...dont get me wrong tho im still clenically depressed and i still have thought of suicide and cutting but i havent cut n about 5 months now and it feels sooo good...i never thought that i would ever find that "light at the end of the tunnel" i thought that i was just going to die and no one would care but i found someone who does and sometimes thats all u need, some one who cares or something that is worth living for,...if anyone would like to talk or anything im always open and always ready to listen to what u have to say...i wont judge and i wont try to consul u because i didnt like it...

My cutting routine has lessened now.
Last year, I used to cut like crazy.
Cuts over fresh cuts.
Even my suicidal attempts seem to be gone now.

xxx.

Congrats contagious!!! Thats really hard for some people to do.(me)so you should be very proud.

Cory

Every little step counts, even if all you can manage right now is to lower the frequency, that is progress.

Yes every little step does count. thanks to all of your advise i have been feeling better. i felt like cuttting just today because i felt lonely but i refused to give into it. so i just acted as if i was ok i told myself that over and over again and it worked. the last time i slipped was about a week and a half ago... it just made me so sad seeing all those slashes on my wrists. and i went completely crazy and cut over and over again until my wrists swelled and burned. its what i wanted to feel but it really wasn't i made about fifteen cuts on my wrists or more. so thatnks to these discussions i've felt alot better. and thanks to *IBE* i have been able go a week without cutting. after all...one step at a time....

Hey Cory, well true enough. An inspiration came into my life, so yea I'm doing all better now.
But still the thought of the fact that I can still cut myself, gets into me. Like the temptation is always there. It's hard to resist at times though. Because whenever I'm upset, the only thing I do is cut; not smoke my lungs out; not kill my liver with all the alcohol running in my system but yes cut, sometimes cut + writing poems.

xxx.

"Because whenever I'm upset, the only thing I do is cut; not smoke my lungs out; not kill my liver with all the alcohol"

All outlets we submit to, but all negative, the trick is replacing those with something positive.

:) I am proud of myself, I truly am.
I used to hard myself quite a lot :) and Now I am proud to say that I have given it up.
I know at times it can be hard and I know that you feel horrid but look at the scars and think to yourself...Is it worth it? Will this do ANY good at all? Because they truth of the matter is that it WONT do you or those around you any good whatsoever. Once you cut sure you feel the release and you feel happy for a few seconds but then....it vanishes and once again you find yourself alone with a knife in your hand and you do it more to feel that happiness once more. Please remember that no matter how many times you cut and even if you feel that happiness your just going to keep going back to the knife and make matters worse for yourself.
xxxxx

I posted a...erm... post awhile back. Well.. I just wanted to vent a little and say where that one damn cut has led me to.

In my previous post, I said something about cutting for the first time in 6 or 7 months. Okay, well, I went to the doctor a few days after I did it and my mom saw it in the drs office and FREAKED OUT. (She knew about me cutting before, she just thought I quit)

So when the doctor came in, she told the doctor and the doctor made a referral for me to go to a councilor. And I absolutely DISPISE councilors. I've been to one before and a psyhicatrist and it didn't help or anything.

And the point being, I don't even NEED a councilor. It's not like I'm sucidily depressed or something like that. I'm not even DEPRESSED. I cut in a moment of weakness, wanting some form of control in my life that I otherwise couldn't.

But no one sees or understands that and I can't explain it to them either. No matter what my mom says, she just wouldn't understand.

But anyway, so it's either I go to the councilor or my mom is sending me to Lakeland, the psyh ward that's close by. I've never been to a psyh ward and I never want to go, but I don't know how I can get out of this without going either place.

Moral of the story: Cutting is bad. Always makes things worse.

And if anyone has any advice pm me please.

I understand what u mean...i hate councilors and hate how they try to understand how i felt at the time and why i did it...i dont cut anymore altho ive had thoughts but still i hope the best for u...XxExoticTearxXRoxy i completely agree with you...
~EveryonesReject~

"hate how they try to understand how i felt at the time and why i did it."

It's not that they are trying to understand it, it is that they are trying to make YOU understand it, outside of the excuses like control, bad life experiences and trauma. Seeking help isn't just about other people understanding what is happening why, it is about you understanding why and recognizing that there are other avenues, atleast that is what a good therapist should do.

Yah i just dont like the thought that someone else can know why im cutting when even i didnt hav a full answer...sometimes it was because i was depressed and other times because i was angry...i didnt hav a set reason of why i cut and i hated the ideas that they told me...he kept saying that it was because my sister and that because she was born i felt left out and that was completly not the answer so i felt like i got no where with him...idk my parents are pretty fair when it comes to things i was just depressed like i was clinically depressed and still am the only reason i stopped cutting was because of my boyfriend and now when ever im down i go to him and he helps me with things and i guess i just wanted someone who cared about me i mean my parents do just it seemed like they were always yelling at me and blaming me for everything so because of him...im still alive...

I am a recovering cutter.. havent cut in several months, I have two small girls and im doing my damnedest to not to do that to them...
I recently found out my younger sister is cutting, or was.. and that scared me.. I don't want her to end up like me, or like i was...
to address what has recently been said, your parents don't freak out because they're mean hateful ppl. they dont do it just cuz they want you to stop.. its because they want to help, most parents anyways... And to cut to get a grip, or cope with things IS NOT HEALTHY! it means you don't know any other way to deal with problems in your life, and your parents and the counselor or psychiatrist are trying to help you learn to cope in other healthy ways. and while its good to find someone who helps you, do NOT get dependent on your boyfriend. I did that and it was a huge mistake. PLZ don't take it as im saying that you WILL make the same mistakes, and it will end the same, but have some power as yourself, as a woman.. and what not... find pride in being able to cope healthily.. and try to see things from others perspective.. I know it can be hard, I was there once, but trust me I remember it wasn't that long ago for me... Hope you take care! :D

Hey yall! ok so today i went to the doctor and she saw the cuts on my leg and thighs... she asked me if anyone new about this and i told her no... she looked at me with pitty...inside i was like i'm not doing this for you to pitty me!!! but then she said nothing she just kept going with the exam and then she said...i know you went through some tough stuff, but hurting yourself isn't going to help.. or is it?? i just kept looking away from her... she was nice and challenging me by asking me if i needed help... she said look make an appointment to see the therapist here...she can give you a full evaluation. ok. just come one time and if you don't want to do it after that then at least you tried...okay? i was like ok... so i made an appointment... i have anxiety attacks too..the doctor said....so yeah i'm taking my first step and let me tell you i'm really scared....

I was so scared the first time I went to seek help, I would shake, try to come up with any excuse to cancel the appointment, in fact my first therapist was useless, so was the second, but the 3rd was great, everything just poured out and it felt like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders, I finally had someone I could talk to who I didn't feel was judging me, but trying to help me feel productive and worthy. Good luck and way to go on taking that first step.

I had a therapist before too. actually too, but none of them helped at all. so hopefully this one will. i'm so tired of hurting inside. and being weak.. i just want to live life to the fullest without hidding my fresh cuts..thank you for you post. like i said before thank's to you guys i'm trying to help myself. instead of always helping others. this time is for me...

**Ada**
*aNSwaBHiaPL*

I commend you on actually going to the therapist... and i know how you feel... Ive always been a weak person on the inside, and my cutting seemed to help with that... I realized that I needed to stop for my daughters sakes.. so at the moment they're what keeps me strong in not cutting, that and my boyfriend. All anyone can ask you to do is your best, and pick yourself up when you fall down... No one's perfect, everyone slips up sometimes, so as long as you try your hardest and are true to yourself thats what counts.
Take care!

Do you really release ur bad fealings when u cut or hurt ur self?
its really makes me think about those people cutting thier self,,
sighz

I Don't nessarily think it releases the bad feelings.
I think it just more or less gives a temporary relief of them.

&& I'm reallly proud of everyone seeking help, I hated my first counsiler even though she was for anger managment. I felt like my every move was being dissected and I was scared whatever I told her she would tell my parents. But now I almost want to see a doctor. I had one of the worst days of my life and I took about half a bottle of asprin. && Started cutting. But the next day when I looked back on it, I felt gross. Why would I hurt myself? I was so scared I would do it again I even tried going to my mom for help. I told her that I was thinking of suicide and I was scared.
She seriously laughed and said "so what you wanna see a crazy doctor?"
Now don't get me wrong. I come from a verrry wealthy family. A doctor wouldn't be an issue of money or anyhting like that. But she thought I was kidding.
I'm Still Cutting, and I really just don't know what to do.

I hadn't cut for ages, and then yesterday i had this huge fight with my mum and she was telling me that i looked and acted like a slut and that she didnt know what she had done to deserve me, and that she was through wasting her time one me. i had no idea what to say back to that, like i was in total and utter shock that she said it out loud.
i hate how she always wants me to be perfect and when i told her that she just said "well why is it so difficult for me to be proud of you? why can't you just do something worthwhile for once?"
hearing her say that really made me upset and angry. we have never had a good relationship but knowing that thats what she really believes about me made me feel so bad about myself, and hearing my own mother say those things about me makes me believe it too.
so after the fight she said she was leaving and didnt know when she was going to be back, so i went into my room and started to cut my legs again. im so ashamed of myself because it had been about 5 months since i had cut last and then that stupid fight just tipped everything off...
i hate that she has the power to make me hurt myself. =[[

Sorry but no one has the power to make YOU cut yourself.
you control everything in your life..believe me no one can..
I'm not a cutter, but I do have another addiction so I know about addictions.
all mums & dads want their children to be good, perfect is overrated yeah, but she has a good intention, and you know when getting into a fight some people just can't control their anger..
I'm sure your mum doesn't hate you and she can never do that, shes being hard on you but think about it, it might make you grow wiser.
Idk if my words will help you or not, I really wanna help because you said you haven't cut for 5 months, thats a very brave thing

call your mum and talk to her, just a small loving daughter-to-mother talk =) tell her that you need her beside you, believe me mums are the best thing ever that god has given us in this life
and Best of luck :)

True i agree that no one can make us cut...but the things they say hurt and the way we deal with them is by cutting....i haven't cut for a while...which i'm very proud of....but the thought has been there...waiting...for me to hurt..so it can come out...but i'm trying hard to not let myself into...

I have diagnosed myself as having maniac depression. I read about it and it fits me.
I tried to cut myself with a paperclip last week, but just ended up with a small puncture hole in my arm.
Help?

First you can't diagnose yourself, go to a doctor and if you are MD you really need to go to one.

A couple months ago I cut my self repeatedly in the upper left thigh. Now I only wear jeans and long shorts and I am afraid for my lady physical. Even though is a couple years off, these scars aren't going anywhere. And they remind me every day what pain i've had in my life. I also cut my self in some other places. Its weird it like relaxes me in some ways. I can't explain the feeling. But I'm trying to stop.

Hey all, back again.

thought i was doing really really well for being strong enough to stop cutting for a little while, but again life got in the way.

i confronted my abuser and the reaction i got from him was not expected. blown off as if it was just in my head, that i was the crazy 1! because i couldnt cope with what i said to him and what he said to me i cut 3 days later, all up my arm, ive only ever been that bad once before, and back then it freaked me out too. but as you do - you clean, bandage and get on with things. before i left him i asked him 1 question, and he was puzzled for a while before he answered. " would you miss me if i died"?
i think if he blocked out what really happened too then he is coming to terms with it now.

a couple of days ago i was helping around my moms house and rolled my sleeves up to do the dishes and without thinking i left them up to do a few more chores and im sure she saw but she never said anything, both my parents know i cutt, but they think i have stopped, at the time i did stop, now i feel i need to explain to her, no doubt she told dad, so i feel i have to explain to them both why i did it again.

the medication i am on gives me really bad shakes so i had the dose put lower which is making my mood dip lower than low..so its either live with the shakes or live with the lows.

my last shrink appointment was 2months ago, i didnt make it last month and couldnt book me in for trainning courses and stuff, so i havnt even attempted contacting her, i figuer if she has contacted me then she obviously dosnt care about my wellbeing like she said she did, even the C.A.T.T team have abandoned me.

im just kinda mozee-ing along in life now, not knowing what to do with myself. people ive known for years slowly leaving me one by one. is that my fault - or theres? mine for not caring enough to stay in contact with people, for just wanting to be alone.

ive looked into a few peoples beliefs on why we live, and they all make sence to me but not one of them fits in well with me, my expectations..if you know what i mean.

<think i just needed to get all that outta my head^ so thanx for reading>

PEACE & LOVE
I.B.E
XXX

Wow im sorry to hear about that :( me and my mom fight a lot i use to cut i dont anymore b/c i dont wanna be in concling anymore.It doesnt work it just makes you mader b/c u ahve this perosn who is "trying to be your friend" and they wanna knwo what your problams are i mean come on!! if i dont wanna tell my parents then y woudl i tell thsi complet sranger i mean really! lol

Yup yup, i hate that.

1 of my friends have been really really good with me, we had 1 of them all night chats when we were drunk and when she asked me about my cutting i just showed her, next day she was like, i didnt think it was that bad, and she is helping me out with alot of things, she has been through pretty much the same as me, so im actually listning to her and turning to her for advice or when im that stressed i need/wanna cut.

so far so good.

peace & love
I.B.E
xxx

Went 27 days without cutting
ruined it tonight

Some of my "friends" are half the reason I cut. They would tell secrets of mine for attention, and they loved to be seen going into the principals office because they thought it was cool. So they told the principal that I thought about death alot and actually printed off msn conversations I had with them asking for them to help and listen. And they made my mom take me to a mental institute and to tell you the truth the fact that I had to go there made it worse for me I kept getting worse the more "proffesionals" tried to help me. And I just didn't feel the support from my family because after that they all pretty much ignored me and only ever talked to me when we had dinner or something. They were really embarrassed and they would just turn the volume of the t.v up when I tried to talk to them. That plus loosing half my friends and the fact I've been bullied all through elementrary and junior high (10 years) . My self-esteem and ability to handle things took a huge blow. What should I do?

I've been threatened to be put into a mental institute if i wrote anymore dark poems about cutting and death. it's hard. and i haven't cut in 3 1/2 months. and now i'm planning on staying sober and i'm not popping pills anymore. i really miss it, but whenever i do, i think of my boyfriend, my friends, and my little sis.
life sucks

Yeah it does

I love all of you!