.. Imma let it out now...

I'm afraid to love again because long ago... well, it was long ago but seems so recent.. i met this guy, sweet, but he seemed to lie alot. we weere friends for a wile, and one day i thought i'd go to mt friends house, and when i went to her room to talk to her he was with her... i got mad, but she kept saying that it wasnt what it looked like. but it WAS what it looked like. he left, and i never saw him again. i wanted to tell him i was sorry. i didn't know what i was sorry for but i wanted to tell him i loved him. but he never came back... eventually i tried to move on and i met a new guy, a sweeter guy... i trusted him. we dated for nearly a year. it was wonderful, i loved him with all my heart. i was so open with him. he was so open with me... thats what i thought.. he wasn't AT ALL who i thought he was... HE WAS BEING PAID TO DATE ME.. paid to love me... paid to make a fool of me and he was hired to keep me happy... who hired him? the guy that left.. the way i met them both was so awkward, but interesting. and then when i found out that i was being used for profit... my world crashed.... GOD! HOW COULD HE DO THAT? HOW COULD THEY DO THAT? how could i be so f*ckING stupid... it tears me apart to think of how i was so blind... NEVER AGAIN would i EVER be open with ANYONE... i kept to myself and ignored my feelings and needs for love. I HATED IT ALL. and i wanted it ALL to just GO AWAY!!! and i still do.. i still get depressed... i STILL NEED them both... they were so perfect... but SO FAKE!!! it was all lies and the tears that fell down my face that day were colder than usual... they were different... there was no warmth to them... i HATED it... i WANTED ALL OF IT TO STOP!!!!!!!.... and i don't beleive how f*cking STUPID i was... and i hate talking about it... i still want nothing at ALL to do with that feeling. I'LL NEVER BE LOVING AGAIN... i'll stay cold.. stay hateful... i'll stay behind my protective shield and NEVER LOVE ANYONE... i just hate to think of all those FAKE memories... i want it all to stop and go away... its so painful... all i have now is my poetry and whats left of my life... no self esteem... no self confidence... no love... no true friends... no anything NOTHING!! nothing at all.. and i STILL hate them both.. i still HATE THEIR FRIENDS!!!! i still hate that place were i met them.. but i still have an odd need for all of it.. all that sh*t i went through... i cant BELIEVE... anything... *Not talking* Shelby is dead!! Shes GONE!!! all thats left is her alter ego.. Puck... the cold self relient Puck... I hate myself... my family... my friends..! MY POETRY!!! MY LIFE!!!! MY ROOM, MY STUFF, MY HOBBIES, MY THOUGHTS, MY FACE, AND EVERTHING ELSE IN THIS GOD DAMN WORLD!!!... though i like to think of myself as puck.. i'm still shelby... i'm still this f*ckED UP person... and i'll always be me...

...

Shut the fuck up bitch. leave me the fuck alone. you making it fucking worse... i fucking hate you...

Leave HER the fuck alone! All she did was express an opinion. Maybe you shouldnt post things like this here if you dont like what people say.

this a a forum to get HELPED!!! not have people make you feel worse... jeez. its YOU guys that shouldn't post!

Look seriously you just need to put this behind you. You can do better. If this guy was being paid to like you then hes not worth your love! At least I think thats what your problem is, I couldnt be bothered to read all of it :P