A confession

June 15, 2009

A Confession!!!

It is 6:15 in the morning and I cannot even stop crying. I think my heart wants to explode. It is crazy to think, but how I wish my heart will stop beating so that I can rest peacefully. Will the people I care so much cry or will they feel sad when I am gone? Who knows?
You may think that I have problem in my love life but you are wrong it is hard to believe but the closest person in my life MY MOTHER just broke my fragile heart. I cannot really say that she really meant what she said but all I know, is that, it hurts so deep, which I do not have a clue how to heal it.
Heart is fragile part of an individual. Just like a beautiful glass, if you broke it and try to fix it will never be the same again you can only have a crack glass and it will never go back the way it was before.
I do not know if I am just over acting or being over sensitive. All I know is that I am just being ME. You may think that I am lame for acting this way. A single word turned my life upside down, a word that strikes me so badly. You may think that I am so sensitive on the way how I acted with those words that she let out of her mouth, but I am ME and you are not in shoes for you to understand how I feel. Do not get me wrong, this is my way to express myself.
Sometimes I think if she really knew me at all. I do not know if she really knew me as her daughter. I do not know if she really knew that I am sensitive, I do not know if she knew that she is hurting me not physically but emotionally. I guess she is just NUMB for not knowing what I feel and I am scared to be like her. Deep inside me I am turning like her for also neglecting what she feels right now. But she is not doing anything to talk to me like mother and daughter conversation or to open up to me. She maybe my mother and I am just her daughter but I am also a human being that is fragile needs to be taken cared of. I believe in the quote GIVEN AND TAKE I always give and I forget to take what is supposed to be mine. I always think what should I do just to make sure that I will not give any problem to her that will make her feel bad but in return she do not think when she talks and she do not realize if it hurts me or not.
Slowly I am being mad and I am scared that I will turn into monster that I cannot control in the future. The pain I feel is not going anywhere.
You know what, I realize it is much better feel pain in physical aspect, you know why, it is because if it is in physical you can fix it easily, we have medication to ease the pain or even make the pain fade away. So what do you think is the cure for the emotional or internal pain that I am feeling right now??? hmmm. I have been thinking and I found my self crying ALONE. I think all I need is someone to talk with, someone who will listen to my sentimental and someone who will comfort me or just someone who will hit my head and will say STOP CRYING! You can make do this; this is just a trial that you must overcome as a person. Maybe no one came to listen to me because I did not open up to them. hmm I think I am just fooling my self I tried to call their attention but no one came, it is sad to say when they have problems I am always at there side, FUNNY huh! How life can be so cruel!!!
A fortune teller once said that I always give something to others to help them, but it will be hard for me to get help from them. Is the fortune teller right or it is just a coincidence???
Even in my loneliest moment I still thank ALLAH/GOD for giving me the wisdom and for giving me the power to write. Thank you for the piece of paper and pen for they are the things that helped me speak what I feel inside any time. I also thank for my room that is been always with me to comfort me and for my pillow for being the shoulder that I can cry on and for catching my teardrops without complains. I may feel ALONE but I have ALLAH/GOD whom I know that his always right here with me all the time and silently giving me the strength to face the NEW DAY!
-nAdA-

what can you say????ANY ADVICE!!!

Moms like to do that every once in awhile. I don't know why. But I can tell you that I've been in your position. I think that its important to know that you're above whatever is happening and that no matter what is said or done you always will be. And I definately felt alone before. Really, really alone. Like no one would ever find me or love me or care, but things really do get better with time. You just have to wait it out and you'll get the best.