Advice Please?..

Okay, long story short...

Ive been involved with a guy now for about six months now.. But, the catch is, its an open relationship. We date other people and wait for the right moment to get commited. He has a gf now. and i am single. No issues there. But.. I have a bad liqur habit and i always seem to put my trust in the wrong people. I dont have sex with them or anything, but they always end up finding a way to get "too comfy" and since im usually drunk.. I dont remember or even think much of it. when inside im screaming. I love this guy im with.. but he recently got fed up with my actions and told me he just wants to be friends. Like, for good. Unless i can prove myself to wanna change.

heres the advice part.

I WANT to change. Liqur doesnt make me happy... HE does. But he cannot trust me right now.. he says he wants me to win him back but its not going to be easy as he says. I want advice on how to prove it to him that i want to change. but, not only for him, but myself. I dont ned the liqur. Ive realized that. but its the goal of showing it to him that im battling.

How to win him back? I know how to get help for my liqur issue.. its just proving it to him that i dont know how. also... how to be a friend for now when all i want is to just ditch the open relationship and just be his girlfriend. I feel we have something special and i dont want to lose it over my silly mistakes that i have owned up to, and im ready to prove a change.

Thanks<3

He lives abit away from me...does that effect anything? he wants me to still talk to him so we can be friends but also so he can "observe", if you will. so i can prolly change by how i talk or something.
thank you.

Firstly i am unsure wether you really want to change. you may have convinced yourself logically that you want to change. but logic alone is not enough. because if you truly realised, not only logicaly but also in the core of your being that you didnt want to drink anymore, that your drinking was only hurting you and messing things up then you would change in a second. to give an over simplified analogy- if you have you hand in water that is getting hotter and is starting to hurt you and you realize this and you really want the pain to stop, then you simply take you hand out of the water. you dont need other people to convince you to do it, you dont do it to prove anything to someone else, you dont need a 1000 logical reasons why you should do it, you dont need a support group to help you do it . you do it simply because not doing it would be unthinkable. and dont try telling me that stoping drinking is more complicated than that because it is not. the only difficult part is realising and confronting the cause of why you feel you should get pissed all the time. change what is causing your problem and you no longer have a problem, as drinking to much isnt the cause, it is merely a symptom. trust me i know. i also used to drink all the time and take a multitude of drugs. but the alcohol and drugs werent the problem they were merely a misguided attempt for me to escape my real problems

and secondly with the relationship you should do whatever you want. if you really love him then that is all you need. there is no bond that can unite the devided but love, all else is a curse that will only cause pain

Its prolly a spur of the moment "oh wow... i want to change to get back with him" kinda thing. But in the end, your right. Changeing for myself is what will really make a statement to ME. Him... is just a guess a bonus? not the main reason though.. thats when i feel ill truly know to change. I dont think its horribly hard. I just feel acceptence is the hard part, but anything is in fact possible.

and yes. i do really love him. and even if i end up in pain.. i at least know im on the road to changing reguardless.

I can't really say much more than Rocky or Britt, if drinking is truly a problem for you, change it, sometimes in order to do that we have to change our whole lives and that can be scary, so we put it off, but you never know what can happen in your life until you at least try.

Thank you.. i am terrfied, but im not letting him go.. i cant yet.. we are just friends for now. but i do need to strighten myself out before i can trully get what i want.

Silent i am going to give you a bit of insight and advice, you might think i have no clue what is really going on but i dare you to atleast think about it and give it a try

firstly for the insight. strange as it may seem your love for this guy is only driving you to want to drink more. you may be telling yourself you want to stop for him but the feelings you have for him are only causing confusion, fear, pain and contradictions within yourself and alcohol is an amazing way to numb the pain and fear for a short while. you are confussed because you love him and he most likely loves you also. but things just dont seem to be working out. the love only seems to make everything complicated and difficult. you are afraid that maybe he dosnt really love you, that you might lose him, that you cant stop drinking, that things wont work out, that even if you stop drinking he wont leave his gf, of feeling alone and powerless to change anything. the pain you are feeling is caused mainly by that which you fear and the contradicions within yourself are caused by everything above. you want to stop drinking because you love him but your love makes you want to escape into drink. you want to stop drinking because it makes you cry inside, but because you are crying inside it makes you want to drink .etc

now for the advice, what i have to say now is the utmost simplicity, but also probably the hardest thing you will ever try to do. let go of all your pain and confussion and hopes and fears. they are all just bs anyway that are causing you problems. unfortunatly our minds are trained to find problems and the soloutions for those problems. this is fine in science and mathamatics and whatever but we also tend to do this in our world inside the mind and so we create problems where none need to be. you love him, so what. it is only when we try to explain and understand that love that we find problems, not when we merely experience that love.

next time you meet him i want you to try closing your eyes and taking a deep breath and letting go of everything that is not love. dont worry about if he loves you. dont worry about showing him you have changed. dont worry about his gf or showing him that you love him, just let that all go for an hour even and see how it leaves you feeling. i dare you to try it

P.S there was a topic i wrote about love a little while back i think you should read. you might find it interesting if nothing else
http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/discussion/topic.html?topic_id=124189

It wouldn't hurt to try. But I'll be honest when I say I can't just let him go. Not yet. If I must later on. Then I must. But now.. I just can't see that. But I can try your advice. To forget it all and see how I feel after

You misunderstood me . i am not telling you to stop loving him. or forget him. no , if you do love him then love him with your whole mind and soul but free your love from any desire of purpose or lust of reason. if you can do that you will free yourself from all the fear and pain and confusion that love is creating within you and then that love will be a thing of beauty, not something that is only creating problems and heartache. it will make you feel good about yourself, not leave you lying in your bed at night, unable to sleep and wishing you were dead

now i know i dont know you at all or the whole situation, but when it comes down to it everyone is the same deep inside. we all have the same emotions, fears and problems. only the outward manifestations differ. so i can honestly say i have been through the same thing you are going through now many times before and everytime i have messed it all up by doing the same things you are doing now, untill very recently when i decided i was not going to walk that same old path anymore and i tried what i am telling you to try. and it is working beyond my my wildest dreams

How exactly did you come across doing that? your a huge help by the way.. i just want to truly understand what exactly your saying and how to come acorss doing that. It makes pefect sence, its just knowng HOW is what i'm confused on.. but i suppose there isent a real "action" one can do to realize things...

I have been staring at this for the last hour trying to figure out where to beging. the whole problem is just so convoluted that it is hard to sort any handfull of reasons out of the mess. but i will try

how? is a difficult question at first but once you start to understand the causes of the problem it becomes easier to see.

belief is one of the first causes of the problem. yes belief can be usefull but it is a double edged sword. in a physical sense some beliefs can be usefull. - i believe i will be burned if i stick my hand in the fire , so i dont do it. - i belive i cant fly, so i dont jump off the edge of cliffs etc but in a mental and emotional sense beliefs are often limiting and self perpatrating. if you believe love to be complicated and often painfull you will find it is often like that. and because you find it is often like that it only re-inforces the belief which in return re-inforces the problem. it is a vicious circle that often never ends. the other problem with beliefs like that is that we only believe them because we have been taught to. they are not even our own beliefs to start with. but then once a belief has taken hold it only gets stronger and harder to break out of as time passes. so the first thing you should do is question everything about love that you believe. dont try to find answers, the answers will become apparent as soon as you start to really understand the question. question everything about love, even question what i am saying here as the truth has never been found without questions being asked first. and the truth is easy to recognize. it simplifies that that was once complicated. you must wipe the slate clean of your preconcieved ideas of love and find out what love is for yourself.

i dont know if you read the other article i linked here. but incase you didnt i will give you some of the most obvious false ideas we have been taught that love is.

society has taught us that "love" is a commodity to be bartered with " I will love you, if you love me" is it truly love if it can traded and giving and taken back at whim. how many times have we tried to stop loving another person because we think they dont love us( this point is important for your situation.you must stop caring about wether he loves you or not. if you do love him then what you think he feels about you should in no way change your feelings for him. the really interesting thing about this is that if you can love him without caring how he feels in return, then he will find it nearly impossible to not love)

society has taught us that "love" is a way to control, it is the bars on a cage, the chains that bind " i will love you if you do this and that, if you act this way and never do that" is it trully love if we use it to force other people to do as we want, to be how we want them to be. is love really just another form of control

society has taught us that often "love" is lust. " i will love you only if i can sleep with you"

society has taught us that "love" is slavery. " i wil love you only if your body belongs to me. and me alone" often it is mutual slavery, but slavery none the less. we all know it is wrong to buy and own another person through money. yet we all try to buy and own another person with our "love" now i am not saying there is anything wrong with being faithful but some people naturally are and some people naturally are not. i am just saying it is evil on our part to try force everyone we love to fit in the same catagory. it hurts them and it ends up hurting ourselves 2.

society has taught us that "love " is often the precursor to hate and pain. " i will love you untill you do something wrong, then i will hate you" can love really be transformed into hate so easily. is it love if it brings us pain

so the first thing for you to do to answer the question of what love is. is to ask the question what is love not. and love is not.and love is not something that is complcated. it is not something that leaves us hating or in pain or afraid. love is not a curse. and if it does seem like a curse then it is only because you are trying to force that love to be something it is not

now that i have said some of this i can explain to you what i mean by saying you should free your love from desire of reason or lust of result. think about it. the love you feel for him simply exists. it dosnt need a reason or purpose. but by trying to give it one all you do is make yourself afraid that if it dosnt happen then your love is useless,.if you love him only because you want him to love you back, or because you want him to be your bf or whatever then that love will breed fear because what you want might not happen. but if you love him with no desire of reason nor purpose then that love wont scare you or have the power to hurt you, and it will be free to become what it will.

This has serisouly helped me out. I did in fact quiestion myself.. I do belive i love him for no reason, i just made myself belive evetything you just said. "what if he doesnt love me back?" "what if he falls for his gf?" all those little petty issues and they eventually drove me to my knees. taking your adivce, and suddenly feeling the love for him, simply b.c i feel love for him, i do suddenly feel better. I know i cant let him go, but for the fact that i love him. and to want him so badly for purpose, almost makes the love seem as if its a lie. if all i wanted was him to be my boyfriend, i could find someone else, closer, there are so many fish. but.. its just him. I just love him. sure, id love to be his girlfriend. but if i take these steps youve explained to me, i truly feel my own emotion will be settled. even if he choses not to love me back. I will know in my heart i do love him, and my own heart wont be harmed.

Im glad that you have found my advice useful. i know what i have said is the opposite of the usual way. but it is not hard to see that the usual way nearly never works for long. and even when it does it works for the wrong reasons. but again i will warnyou not to take what i have said on faith. treat it is an experiment. try it and discover the truth for yourself. but it would seem as if you have taken the first steps and already found it useful. now there are 2 major pitfalls along this path i should tell you about. the first is that i know i have said that the fear and pain and confussion etc are bs and there is no reson why you should feel them. but you still will feel them at points and it is very important that you dont try to deny them or ignore them or simply tell yourself i refuse to feel this way, as by doing that you only give them more power. but what i have found works is that if you feel these emotions you should close your eyes and accept them. that alone robs them of alot of their power. then once you have accepted these feelings then explore them and find the cause of them. once you have found the cause they are easy to deal with. and will dissapear without a fight
and secondly - if you do end up going out with him you will be tempted to abandon most of what i have said. Dont.

I couldnt imagine too. i mean, no love is set in stone. there is still many chances i will get hurt and i will find this advice very usful in the end.
I really took every bit of this into considaration and i do accept what your saying. I understand i wil feel pain at times, and it does seem best to just accept them rather then push them away with a struggle.
if i abandon this information i feel i would have learned nothing where i feel ive learned a lot in the past 3 days.