Self-Harm Rant. [Backbone please]

*Flicks the blunt-mode switch*

Has no one considered the thought of actually confronting the issues that make you self-harm in the first place?

I get ALMIGHTILY annoyed when you say we (being adults) can't/won't/don't understand if you (being kids) won't even talk straight to us about your problems and pain.

Talk about shackle the love.

I'm want five cutters to open up fully and explain the REAL reasons they self-harm.

Invalid reasons include:

I'm depressed... You don't self-harm because you're depressed. It's what makes you depressed that does it

No one understands me... We speak the same language, we have access to the same emotions, we like the same music.

Do you have the backbone to confront your problems or are you just going to look for another excuse?

Time to step up kids...

Bert

ok then ill be one of them people if thats what you want: cutting makes me feel better, when i cut for them prcious moments i forget my pain and am focousing on the pain in my wrist. i feel pain because my mum (dads dead) has openly addmitted to me that i was a mistake she hates me and wished i was never born, she has thrown me out of a window among many other things, six of my closest friends have died, three right infornt of me, and david; he died to save me, we were at this party and gate crashers were there and it's a long story but he died to save me -thats actually one of the reasons i tried to stop cutting if he died for me whats the point in killing myself? - that was two years ago, my friend i have known for nine years he was my boyfriend for a year then he cheated on me 3 times with this chick who i hate but i came to my senses and told him hes a scumbag and he doesnt deserve me, where friends again though... most of my cutting has to do with my mum all up. the other day she screamed at me "jes stop bitching you fat cow go slice yourself up or ill throw you out the window again" so i cut because she makes me feel like shit and that im not meant to be here. and because of the stuff i went through a few years ago, i would explain but i feel physically sick wen i think about it. and you cant tell me to explain to my mum, the last time i did that i was hit non stop for half an hour. i have told many counscellours but they havent done anything. i have stopped cutting less but i feel as if i need to still do it to feel better, like thats all i have control over i know its not but i feel like it. you may think im an idiot but thats just how it is for me

What ever it is that makes you feel physically sick is a big part of what you have to confront. And I mean head on like a freight train.

Try it, it'll hurt like a bitch and oh my you'll be pissed off and angry. But what ever it is... it's there and it has control or YOUR life.

Bert

(Going to bed now, nearly 8am I'll check back soon enough)

I sometimes have uncontrollable urges to destroy things. To avoid hurting other people I try to take this out on myself and cut. I'm not a cutter though, I only cut on these occasions. I also have a thing with fire. Not like burning myself but setting things on fire and stuff. I know this doesn't really fit here or whatever but it only started after i was depressed and its gotten really bad since my uncle died.

i dont no how im meant 2 confront being locked in a room for a week and a half with nothing to do but stare at a wall or how im meant to confront having 4 miscarriages......... i thought id send it neway seeing im thinking about it

well if you've had " misscarriges"and you're a cutter its a good thing because you would never make a good parent!

Well do u know anyone who has cut alot then had a child? My best friend used to cut then she had a child and she hasn't cut since, and she's a great parent. So what you're thinking isn't always the case. and i don't know how you can call a miscarriage a good thing because it causes you alot of emotional pain.

Alot of people wish they could speak to people, but they're in fear of being hurt/betrayed. I speak on behalf of myself now, but I find it difficult to tell people bluntly what's wrong, hence poetry.
Something along the lines of a trust issue I suppose..

Disposable...

Were you trying to get pregnant as a way out or was it a case of irresponsability?

Incognito...

I LOVE setting things on fire and breaking stuff... but then I'm a bloke and that is kinda fun.

Ironic...

If you've read my quotes you'll see that blunt is good. Blunt gets the job done, efficiently too.

You all know what I'm doing, so do it already. This is the first step in any mental recovery.

Look past the pain, focus on what's causing it and we'll go from there.

Bert

Blunt isn't something I'm comfortable being though. Guess I'm scared of the truth/reality. But I won't let anybody in to help me with that. I don't like not having that control of myself, but It's something I've got to cope with. If I can't, I can't. At the end of the day, I can only try. After a while, your will to make the effort starts to be questioned. Hence why people feel depressed/isolated. The only way they feel they can get their point across is poetry, however un-blunt it may be. (If that's a word.)

Makes sense.

So, whenever you feel the urge to self harm do you pick up the pen instead? And if not, why not!

Unless you're me, It's something you will not completely understand. Poetry only satisfies you to a certain extent. Like, a hug. That makes you feel calmer and more settled for a certain period of time, but after a while the effect starts to wear off. You could get another hug, but after a while it becomes a routine, not an act of affection or a reliever.

WOW Vix, That was long but it had such a beautiful message in that. I am amazed. I sorry about all the death you had to endure growing up, the drugs, the ex, the educational mishaps, But look at what you have accomplished. I may not know you but i am DAMN proud of you!!!!
take care always
Scooby

Well, I for one am f*cking proud that you wrote that Vix. Typing all that out took guts, pure guts.

"but who knows maybe if I had found someone to listen I wouldn’t have needed to confide in self harm instead."

Confide in self harm. This makes a hell of a lot of sense considering your situation.

Reading through i was amazed to learn that you're in the UK. Sounds wierd, I know, but I imagined you were in the US for sure. Makes me annoyed to think the school system that propped me up and supported me through my parent's divorce wasn't there for you.

Bert

How do you start to respect yourself?

you cnat jsut ell someone to fukin tell you soeone they dont no y they do this! bc they dont no! mayb they are jsut depressed! maybe u do jstu wanna die! htis is how u fukin are! get over it i no that u think that getting ur emotions out helps!ti doesnt it jst makes you here urself out loud and htat sounds so much owrse! holy shit i feel like shit rite now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

you cnat jsut ell someone to fukin tell you soeone they dont no y they do this! bc they dont no! mayb they are jsut depressed! maybe u do jstu wanna die! htis is how u fukin are! get over it i no that u think that getting ur emotions out helps!ti doesnt it jst makes you here urself out loud and htat sounds so much owrse! holy shit i feel like shit rite now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Alone in the Dark

Step back, remove emotion and look at what you've typed. Look at each word without feeling and ask your self what it means.

"Just depressed." There is ALWAYS a cause, a reason for depression. Depression NEVER appears out of thin air.

This exercise has nothing to do with getting your emotions out, that's what you do when you self-harm.. release the tension, the frustrations, the guilt and worry and anger.

This exercise is about analysing WHY you self-harm and seeing if you can overcome it (or atleast try). Feel free to join in when you're ready.

Bert

Hero.

Try changing your image (not your outlook or your taste in music or anything else). Your clothes your hair your shoes. I'm not saying buy what everyone else is buying, follow a trend or anything else, just try something new, different. I know that money is going to be an issue, so just bear it in mind for when the next opportunity arises.

Your self image is reflected through how you present yourself to the world, fella.

I'm not saying it's as easy as buying a shirt, slacks and a pair of shoes, it never is. But it's a start, a first step.

'Corse you can ignore this advice as ignorant, useless or lame and tell me to shove it, but then I'm only offering advice and only you can choose whether or not to take it.

Bert

Bret-
Unlike people like JustPlainMe, I think I'd respect your point of view on why I used to cut and why I don't anymore.

let me just say that my little sister was born the day before my third birthday and she died three months later from SIDS. I had to go to play therapy to deal with my anger soon after that. I remember playing with this little doll house and now that I realize I was acting out the morning she was found, and that my parents were most likely told about this reinactment. Whenever I think of them knowing something so crucial to how I am it makes me feel like im naked and i can't hide anything.

Next, my mom was beaten when she was a little girl and now she's really odd. She makes strange comments about sex between her and my dad, or jokes about stealing my boyfriends. She's run a child care for a really long time and she is horrible to those children. She yells at them and i've cought her hitting on once. I call her on it everytime and seh comes up with an excuse. She choked me a couple of years ago because I dropped something on the floor during nap time.

My sister is usually very judgemental and sometimes I'm afraid to tell her things because of what she might say. My brother is never around, he is a dead beat dad who has cut himself off from my family.

My dad hides in the garage a lot.

In the last year I have lost seven of my best friends, some of them twice, one after another after another. I had a boyfriend of eight months and I realize that now it's silly, but he was the first person I ever even considered taking things to "the next level" with. He talked about getting married and having kids, he picked out names and wrote a marriage certificate. It's been eight months since we broke up and I still can't forget how sweet he was before we broke up.

Since the day we broke up, he's told me that me existing pissed him off, and little things he's done have caused me emotional break downs where I cry until I'm sick. I've confronted him about this before and he usually would just give me half the peace sign and smile. He was like that until he found out I was cutting, then he said that I could talk to him about anything. I guess that only counts online because if I say anything to him during school he goes back to how he used to be. I hate using him as an excuse, I always think it's pathetic to let a guy ruin your life so I feel like a hypocrite to be saying that.

Most of my friends come to me for their problems. Abusive dads, anorexia, rape, abusive moms, grades, boys, you name it. Sometimes the pressure of keeping so many secrets is too much for one person.

I have stopped cutting because it was boring me and my sister hit me really hard when she saw the scars.

sorry, accidently posted it twice.

Mandy, I'm a judgemental person, l can live with it, so can you. I just say it how I see it, that's judgement.

You are just as judgemental as I am.

My thoughts on Hero are a reaction to his words. How the world reacts to his situation affects his behaviour. If Hero changes the medium in which people react it might (probably will) change their reaction to him and therefore his reaction to his own self awareness. if this is changed for a positive line then so much the better.

I hope you can understand my viewpoint.

Bert.

You're a stronger person than you admit to being, Casey.

Your sister, I think, is more of a rock for you than you realise. You instinctively know what her opinion will be and you can come to your own decisions based on that.

Why did you self-harm? I don't know, you dont say when you first self-harmed and what were the major events on your life at that time (family friends and boyfriend being the most obvious cause).

Why don't you self-harm anymore? You have a position of responsibility in that you are a shoulder for your friends. This elevates your maturity and your own need to be stable for them. (That and your sister hits really hard. *winks*)

Couple of questions.

Despite her judgmental side, is your sister there for you when your REALLY need her?

Have you ever gone down to the garage and just spent some time alone with your dad (offering to help with whatever it is he's doing down there)?

Have you got a secret vent (diary, online friend etc) for the secrets you hold?

Bert

Bert, I used to have a diary, but my mom would read it. I have poetry to vent, but someone on this site has torn my poems apart. My sister likes to beat me into letting her read my poems, which again makes me feel defenseless.

Ok fella, lets start with YOU.

You've just come out as bi-sexual. That's a first step right there. Reading your profile as well tells me that you're driven and will succeed. A very good thing.

As for why you cut? From what I can see it's because you feel that you can't protect your sister. BANG it's the first thing you say that isn't your individual baggage. You don't mention your mother so I am guessing she is either there and being a normal repressed mum or isn't there at all.

Your father is an obvious power figure for you. Standing up to that is next to impossible especially if you fear the consequences that could affect your family members.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda, the need for perfection... something all of us do on a daily basis. Don't worry about that aspect so much, fella.

Bert

Send me a pm so I can discuss your sister with you on a much more private basis.

Casey, I sent you a pm.

Bret, I want to answer your question, but not where everyone can see it. Is there a way to contact you other than this forum?

If you want, you can just email me at robyn_ohio@hotmail.com

Click on my name there'll be an option there.

If you're talking to me, there's no link there. The only link I get is to add you to my favorites.

Robyn, I mailed you already.

EDIT changed the option, you can pm me now.

Ok, sorry, they put it in my junk mail folder. I just emailed you back.

wow this is a looong post... neways i wasnever looking for a way out, wen i was pregnant it didnt even register to me it could be a way out, getting pregnant was just my stupidity

Ok, you recognise stupidity which is a good thing. Have you at least been taking precautions since?

Fair enough Hero, just remember the door swings both ways, mate.

Mandy, I don't see you jumping on Hero for him saying jocks are gay. Take off the blinkers, hon. If you're going to judge, tar EVERYONE with the same brush. No one is exempt.

Bert

Good advice Vix

im on the pill now :p... have been 4 a while...

Just wrote a fricking essay of my childhood and my log in expired... joy. I'll do it again later.

Yeh Bret what's your story and why are you so concerned by others self harm habits?

Do not confuse concern and interest. How you live your lives and act, react and learn is your business. If you continue to self harm or reform and become a councillor... nothing I do here will change your mind. Realisation comes from within, self help with guidance when possible.

Sure, I'll offer advice but self-harm is a concept not familiar, but not unknown to me before I joined the site. When I am partially ignorant of a subect I am compelled to learn.

Short version of Bert's childhood:

At the age of ten I made a mistake in choice that lost me and my brother our sister (we are united again now). The torment of my choice cost me an excelled education and I scraped by on IQ alone.

Neither my brother or myself were abused physically at any time. There were some major paternal issues in our teenage years, but like all things it is complicated. To make a long story short is to insult your intelligence and my own.

I got into prize fighting at the age of sixteen (Intentionally to punish myself? I don't think I'll ever know.) but that is a form of self harm I guess in that I put my self in that position and wound up with a cracked cheekbone, depressed fracture of the nose and other broken this and thats.

I got out of the game by sheer luck (reasons not pertinent to the tale) and devoted my time to self education. Got a dead end job and learned classical, conventional and military history.

Lost my virginity soon after healing from the prize fighting in such a painful way (Girls, teeth HURT, ok.) that it put me off sex (but not girls) for two years. I think this is the cause of my fascination with 'the chase'. After getting back in the saddle I became what I hate most. The stereotypical Alpha-male bastard type that women hate but are compelled toward at the same time.

But I digress...

The mistake I made as a ten year old was not seeing the big picture. Ever since I realised this (17) I've devoted my time to seeing that big picture in everything I do.

Bert

How did you lose your sister?