losing interest

Well, to be honest, i think this poem is really good. I write poems all the time, and i get what's happened to you quite often. It's like, you feel a feeling, and then you make the words fit in your head, but when you go to write it, it's like it's disappeared, when you put the pen to the paper, it's almost like your writing it under pressure, like it has to be perfect. I think that if you feel something and want to write it, it doesn't matter if it's not perfect, if it's what you feel, you should let it all out. I think this poem is really inspirational and sweat. It's a generous poem, one of the most precious i think. Most poems are about wanted love, despair and misery etc. But people don't write poems like this very often (if you get me).
I don't think it really needs fixing up, but if that's what your asking for (if it is) then i'll give you a tiny bit, to give you the jist of it:
Let the beams of light shine down upon your head
Let the luscious grass be soft for you to tread
Let the gentle breeze blow calmly through your hair
Let it drive away all your fears and all your cares.

You may not like it, i don't think it's any different to yours, it's just the rythem which has changed. Well, i think your poem is great, just write what you feel and go with the flow. Keep writing!
Gurdy x (GoddessOfWings)

I think that you are afraid to mess with the structure too much. Firstly you start out with a tight rhyme scale, and then you get away from it because instead of trying to come up with things to match the SCALE you come up with things to SAY and then try and make them fit.

How I write a poem (and this is just me personally, I am not saying this will work for everyone) is that I go with the natural flow of it. It’s almost like a song that plays in my head; I know what the rhyme needs to be so I guide the words to fit into place. I don’t think of what I want to SAY and make it fit into my scheme. It is much harder to do that then to go with the flow of a poem and see where it takes you. The rhymes seem forced and it gets to be a jumbled mess.

When editing your poems don’t be afraid to break it up into stanzas or short rhyming cuplets, this can aid in making it work. Then you can bring it back together in the end. I wrote another version of your poem based on the one you did. I was able to do this because I wasn’t nervous about tweaking it, but as the author I am sure that you were nervous about changing what your first idea was into something new. It can be hard for the author to remain objective about their own work and branch away into something that WORKS for the poem, rather than their idea. Here it is:

Let the beams of light shine down on your head,
Let the luscious grass be soft to tread,
Let the breeze blow gently through your hair,
Let it drive away each single care.

Hear the birds sing,
Their sweet melodies,
Perched up high,
In lush green trees.

Let their song tear each uncertainty,
Solve each problem,
And let your happiness be born,
From their sweet simplicity.

Smile today,
Let your bliss show,
Be joyous and free,
Let questions go.

Don’t ponder grim thoughts,
Don’t remorse your pain,
Sweep away dark clouds,
For if they are gone, it cant rain.

Today is the day,
For you to be free,
Dream each dream,
Like the birds in the trees.

Nothing will stop you,
From getting your wish,
You can have all the best,
If you dare reach for it.

Well done Kaitlin!!!!

All I can say is that the poem is a bit mushy.

lol, I read this a couple times and thought you said

"Be my bacon..." that just goes to show how tired I am, lol.

You have two great starts, why dont you combine them together and try and work around the concept, although you are falling into the same trap that the first person did with starting out with ideas, concepts, or even lines and then trying to fit a round peg into a square hole rather than letting the poem flow and evolve with the right scheme. Play with it, you'll get it

*

Anyway I was just showing how you can totally re write an entire poem branching away from the whole scheme, not suggesting that it replace yours :) Yours is great, it just fell off a little bit at the end.