When is cutting self abusing?

I have been cutting my flesh for a while now. I started around twelve as far as i can remember. My relationship with my body has changed drastically over a few year, and so my reasons for cutting have changed too. It first started because of curiosity and depression, just knowing that I have the power to make myself bleed is exciting. Puberty is really tough on me, everything is changing and it scares me. When everything is spinning out of control I always retreat to my room, take my little razor and within a few strokes I can breathe again. I am always finding new things to cut with, I enjoyed bobby pins because the cuts are so wide. This is my special hobby that no one knows about, no one can control but me, no one can take it away from me. If they tried, it just makes me want to cut more.

Now during high/secondary school I have become more and more withdrawn. It is easier to feel nothing than to feel like shit all the time. I’m at the point where I am numb all the time and walking around like a zombie. Cutting myself snapped me out of it, seeing my own blood reminds me that I am still alive. I have an anxiety disorder that I have been struggling with for a few years now, at times when it get so bad I couldn't breathe cutting released the negative energy. Pain has always had a calming effect on me. Hiding the scars is always tough. I think I must have started that trend of cutting up socks to wear on your wrists. Personally I love my scars, I think they are beautiful, but it's hard to deal with the looks and the judgements. People who saw them assumed that I was suicidal or crying out for help. I am trying to do neither. My doctor has tried to get me on anti- depressants for a year or so now, something i will not even consider. I told him that i would deal with my problems in my own way and he had me committed to the psyche ward for four days. Doctors asked me over and over again why i was suicidal, and they wouldn't believe me when i insisted that i wasn't. I eventually lied and played their games just so i could get the hell out of there. All together I found the way i was treated to be rude and disrespectful.

Another aspect that has made it hard is dating. Though I have met a few girls who do the same thing, most guys just don't want to deal with it. I actually ended a relationship because the boy I was seeing told me I HAD to stop. He even threatened to tell my parents. What really bothered me is that he never really tried to see where I was coming from, just assumed that I was messed up and needed help. I've never been able to understand why others make such a big deal about cutting, it's not like I'm smoking and killing myself!!

I'm now a fairly well rounded and happy person, with an unconventional habit that hurts no one but myself, while liberating me at the same time. I have found a happy balance between writing, painting, cutting and other forms of modification. I love blood, it's the fluid of life. I love the colour, the taste and most of all I love seeing it come out of me. I think I also have a vampire fetish. I know it probably doesn't make sense to most people, but every time I make my self bleed I feel a little more real, and little more sane and a little more like me.

by the way my mum just found my razor blade and im really really scared shes going to screw...
oh well i will deal with it when it happens.. make up some story..

wow..i dont nowut to say... u say ur not suicidle.. then y do u cut if cutting gives u a huge risk of dieing.. one day u will see the blood come out of u...and lvoe it more and more keep cutting deepr adn deepr and u will die wehter u wanted to or! i cut to.. but i no that risk..im hoping that risk will accure..... anyway i hope u do stop... also nuderstand that that boy u broke up with even tho he didnt ask where u were coming from jsut was telling u to stop bc he cared for u..... i no its hard to stop i myself am finding it immossible especially bc i dont even wantto stop... but jstu remember ur family and frends..... think of how sad they wood b if u did die thro cutting.... good luk.... i hope it turns out good!

Cutting yourself in any way deliberately, regardless of the severity of these cuts is classed as self-abuse or self-harm.

There are however many reasons why people self-harm and varying degrees of the injuries that they cause to them selfs.

If you are cutting yourself then you need to look at the reasons why and try to find a different solution to your problems. I know that many people say this but it is the only way that cutting or self-abuse can stop.

There are many negative implications caused from cutting such as scaring and addiction. As with any addiction cutting needs to faced head on with help from loved ones and/or professinals. I am talking from experience here.

Nici
PS Should you want to talk then send me a private message using the link on my profile.

also stories wont keep u hidden for long.... especially if uve been cuttin since 12 she will see ur scars.... im guessing uve been doing it on ur hips bc its almost impossible to hide them if its on ur arms... ur mom will find out.... im sorry but she will... it jsut happened to me she will force u to stop she will take uto the hostpital u will get all this fukin medication im sryy unknwon but thatll happen it sux and makes u wanna cut more and more thinking bout it but its fact im sryy...
....i really do hope that it turns out welll... and since ur not even planing on killing urself i htink it will i think ull relize that u shoodnt hav cut

but cutting helps me and its not a problem so whats the big deal, i must abmit i have tried to kill and ive been into hospital...
but the more people say stop the more it makes me do it, its my hobby and i like to feel alive and not dead, but i dont want my blade taken away...
they cant..

i dont want to stop and im not going to, and i keep my cuts hidden because believe it or not i dont want to hurt others.. i dont want them to know so they dont have to hurt...

if you read that bit i posted at the top maybe you will understand that cutting helps me...

I understand that cutting helps you and respect that as well. However I just wanted to make sure that it is how you really felt. I mean some people come on here and say that they don't want to stop when they really do.

After your last few posts I understand that you are not one of these people and generally want to cut. If that helps you then it's your choice and no matter what any ones says it will always be your choice. Just remember to not take it too far and do yourself permanent damage.

I am still here should you want to message me.

Nici

thanx... its really nice to have someone understand and not yell at me, i have kept a lot to myself but about a year ago i had a little more trouble, i still have things going on now.. but cutting helps me and its not something i see as a problem so thank you for not yelling and stuff

unknown... thanx for helpng me in theother discussion....i really hope everything turns out ok for u! good -luck!!!! wenever a shitty time is going on jsut think babout the future wether it is in 2 years of 15 years jsut remember that one day itll b better one day! ( i say that but that makes me a total hipacrite, or however u spell it) i used to think about that last year b4 i got so depressed and it helped alot and i jsut remembered it. it helped me i hope it helps u! good luck.... if u dont find cutting such a abad thing then keep doing it...im not gonna tell u to stop bc im jsut some kid on the enternet... but it wood b great if u did....u seem liek a really nice person good luk i hope feel better soon