Poetry Workshop #3

Yes, in the title I changed the word Writing to Poetry.

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I hope TD doesn't mind my copy-pasting some of the content of his PM regarding himself and this poem.

TowerDreamer

A little background: Wrote my first poem some 22 yrs ago, but my lifetime poem count is probably only about 15, so am a relative poetry novice. Have hardly ever used rhyme before, so this poem was a bit of an experiment for me.

I am happy for people to give any opinion and be as honest and brutal as they want! Although, there are a few things I would be interested in getting some opinion/advice on:

1) Rhyme scheme - does it work? Even myself, when I read it back, sometimes I love it sometimes I don't - I think it depends on the mood I'm in at the time :)
2) Is the poem too long? - if so, any advice on what could be cut.
3) Is the ending clear enough? One thing I toyed with was changing the last line - switching "everything" for "their love is" - what works better?
4) The poem is about my own experience, but I have written it in the 3rd person. Would it have been better written in the 1st person?
5) As the poem progresses, the line length increases. Not a deliberate choice by me, it just seemed to happen naturally: does this impact the poem either negatively or positively?
6) More generally, my poems tend to be like short stories (including this one). What do people feel about this as a style of poetry?

She opened the door
by TowerDreamer

*****
All of my poems are going to be based around one central poem, so if you want to get the full context and meaning of this poem you may find it useful to read "The Ivory Towers" first. Note that the title of this poem is taken from the 1st line of Part III in "The Ivory Towers". Thanks for reading.
*****

He sits in her room, right next to her side,
An inch from his love, a gap a mile wide.
Not daring to move, furtive glancing,
He's been there before, never chancing.

Talking into the night, sitting on her bed,
So much has been spoken, but not all is said.
They share their secrets, so much is revealed,
Except for that one thing he still keeps concealed.

The impenetrable barrier that lies in between,
Prevents them from touching, is totally unseen.
Its name: it is friendship, built over two years,
He hides scared behind it, avoiding his fears.

Three little words, is all it would take,
To see what's behind, maybe one big mistake.
Break down the barrier, how would it matter,
Destroy friends forever, making them shatter?

The night continues, and it gets a little colder,
A blanket covering them makes him a little bolder.
Things unseen surely can't hold any fears,
Legs now touch, the barrier under disappears.

He's closer now than ever, desperate not to move,
Frozen in this moment, a love still yet to prove.
It's time for him to go though, leaving at this height,
She says she has a headache, starts to say goodnight.

He can't believe he said that: why, he can only guess,
A head massage offered, an answer that was "yes".
Her head now in his hands: how come, he doesn't know,
Still fearing every move, the love that each might show.

His fingers through her hair, he feels in such a daze,
Her eyes are firmly closed, her face he now surveys.
Her eyes, her nose, her lips, not daring to even blink,
His heart now overflowing, no longer can he think.

She only has to look, to see eyes intently staring,
A barrier smashed to pieces, past the point of really caring.
His fingers finally speak, for they are not afraid,
Her face gently caressed, his love is now betrayed.

And then it finally happened, one second of his soul,
One he'd relive forever, the one that made him whole.
Her face answers his fingers, the silence still unbroken,
Not a single thing's been said, but everything now spoken.

Many thanks for posting this - I'm really looking forward to reading any comments from anyone at all.

However thought I'd better point out that I haven't had a sex change and am actually male - is it something in the way I write ;)

It did make me chuckle, though - Maybe even raises a question about the different styles of male and female poets?!!

Err, sorry about that. I should've checked out your profile; I have a habit of assuming people on PnQ are female.

If no one bothers to help TD with his poem, I am going to stop making these weekly threads. The idea was not mine - in fact, many of you poets came up with it and supported it, the same many who are nowhere to be seen post creation.

I'm sorry about this, TD. I will critique the poem myself later today, but I have to get going now.

I am not much on doing critiques so I will just tell you how the poem works for me. For me the poem is a bit long as I prefer shorter poems. It seems that emotions and feelings are rehashed and expressed in several different ways in multiple verses. I feel that verse three could be taken out and would not affect the story you are telling. In verse 4 you address the friends issue so that is not lost if verse 3 is eliminated.

The line length (lines keep getting longer and longer) was unsettling for me and makes the flow choppy. It seems there are words used that you could omit and not change the meaning of the line and perhaps the flow of the poem would smooth out some.

I like your idea about the change you considered in the last line of the poem.

Overall I like the story you are telling, just think it could be done in fewer verses and words.

I hope you don't mind but this is the rewrite I did this afternoon. I used a rhyme scheme of lines two and four.

Sitting in a room,
next to her side,
she's inches from his love,
the gap a mile wide.

Talking into the night,
Words spoken, but not all is said.
Secrets shared, truths revealed.
One last thing is locked in his head.

Three words is all it would take,
to cross that line,
destroy friends forever,
a mistake by design.

So close, desperate not to move,
Frozen in time, a love still undeclared.
Time to leave, his goodbye begins,
their friendship spared.

One look is all it took,
no longer are they afraid,
a longing fulfilled,
no more masquerade.

A moment to relive for eternity,
silence still unbroken,
not a single word said
but their love has spoken.

Have been away for a few days, so have only just read all your responses. WOW! - Thanks very much for your comments - they are so very much appreciated.

Answering Hellon's question first - I have to admit that this poem is my very latest so can't use that as an excuse :) However, it was based around a bit of narrative written quite a few years ago as a memoir. Do you think the lack in maturity is partly down to the rhyming (this being my first time using this as a form), or something else - eg. the language used or story told? I'm really interested to understanding your opinion on this.

Sylvia/Britt - many thanks for taking the time to rewrite the poem and show me your own interpretations. What both showed me superbly well was about getting the message across in a much more efficient way than my version.

What I found really interesting about both of your interpretations was that they focussed on the emotions rather than the details of the story told. And while I'm sure this is what good poetry is all about, for me and for this poem particularly, it is those details that take me back to that night: the invisible barrier / the blanket under which our legs first touched / the absurdity of the head massage offer / surveying her face while her eyes were closed etc.

One thing I do wonder though is whether there is a difference between male and female poetry in this respect - do female poets concentrate on the emotions rather than the details and vice versa? Or is it just me ;)
Either way, even though the poem suffers (and probably for my benefit only) the details need to stay in - just so I don't forget them!

Having said that, I have had my own go at rewriting the poem, which hopefully goes some of the way to addressing some of the weaknesses you have pointed out:

He sits in her room, right next to her side,
An inch from his love, gap a mile wide.
They share their secrets, all is revealed,
Only one thing he still keeps concealed.

The impenetrable barrier lies between,
Prevents them touching, totally unseen.
Three little words, all it would take,
To see behind, maybe one big mistake.

The night darkens, it gets a little colder,
A blanket covering them makes him bolder.
Things unseen surely can't hold any fears,
Legs touch, the barrier under disappears.

Time for him to go, leaving at such height,
She has a headache, starts to say goodnight.
Did he say that? - why, he can but guess,
A head rub offered, the answer was "yes"!

Fingers through hair, feeling in a daze,
Her eyes are closed, her face he surveys.
Eyes; nose; lips; not daring to blink,
Heart overflowing, no more can he think.

She only has to look, eyes intently staring,
Barrier smashed to pieces, no longer caring.
His fingers speak, they are not afraid,
Her face gently caressed, love is betrayed.

Then it did happen, one second of his soul,
One relived forever, one making him whole.
Her face answers, silence still unbroken,
Nothing's been said, but their love has spoken.

Would welcome any thoughts on the revised version, and once again many thanks for your time and efforts so far.

Your rewrite did improve the poem. The flow is better and line length is not distracting. With that said it is still too long for my taste and that is just my personal view.

I understand you want to relive and remember the details but other readers may not want that. When I started writing, I did the same thing, included to many details. I was advised by my mentor to revise and remove details that were not central or critical to tell the basic story and it worked for me. As for emotions, versus details being different in males and females, I don't think that affects either sex in writing. I have seen females that include every single detail in a poem. I think the reader should be given the opportunity to use their imagination for some of the details, keeps their interest and holds their attention to the end. You may want to remember each one of those details but not every reader wants to read them.

Here's my draft:

He sits in her room, next to her side,
An inch from his love, gap a mile wide.
They share their secrets, all revealed,
Only one thing he keeps concealed.

The impenetrable barrier lies between,
Prevents them touching, totally unseen.
Three little words, all it would take,
To see behind one big mistake.

The night darkens, it grows colder,
A blanket covering them makes him bolder.
Things unseen can't hold any fears -
Legs touch; the barrier disappears.

Fingers through hair, feeling in a daze,
Her closed eyes, this he surveys.
Eyes; nose; lips; not daring to blink,
Heart overflowing, no more to think.

She only has to look, eyes staring,
Barrier to pieces, no longer caring.
His fingers speak, unafraid,
Her face caressed and love betrayed.

Then it happened, a second of his soul,
Relived forever to make him whole.
Her face answered, silence unbroken,
Nothing said, but their love spoken.

Sylvia/Britt - I totally agree with all you say, and will definitely be using less detail in future poems. It's just they are too important to me on this particular one, even if the poem means less to others because of it.

Jane - Thanks for showing me even more of my words which are redundant. I really like your version, apart from the line "To see behind one big mistake". This line is meant to show the doubt in his mind - removing "maybe" removes the doubt. Perhaps just a question mark needs to be added at the end.

Hellon - I think I now understand what you mean and agree with what you are saying. The situation was almost 20 years ago when I was 20. Did I lack confidence? - most definitely - she was my first love. Whereas my other 2 poems are written from a 40 year old's perspective looking back, this one is written in the mind's eye of that insecure and juvenile 20 year old. It was actually this moment that gave me most of whatever confidence I now have today - "the second that made him whole"

Only one question I think I have remaining - would the poem be better in the 3rd or 1st person or does it not matter?

^Only one question I think I have remaining - would the poem be better in the 3rd or 1st person or does it not matter?

I don't think it really matters. As it is written, gives a sense of a story, maybe personal, maybe not, you the writer is telling. If it was written in the 1st person, the reader, hopefully, would know you were reliving a personal experience. So in the long run it is up to you.

Thanks Donald for taking the time to post this and read the poem 4-5 times!

I found your opinion really useful in understanding my own feelings about the original poem - that I sometimes really liked it and sometimes not. After reading your post, it became clear to me that the times I liked it were when I was really putting myself into the situation and not just reading the words - something I hadn't properly realised. So thank you for that.

However, I guess one issue your post raises is that it took you 4-5 reads before you found yourself in that position. Maybe good poetry takes you there in the first couple of reads :)