Poetry Workshop #4

Great job on the last poetry workshop, guys! You really stepped it up a notch.

Here's a poem from britt TC that she would like us to critique.
Please add your comments, be they compliments or constructive criticism or explanations for how the poem affected you. Respond in any way you see fit.
Questions are good too, but respect the author and their wishes to edit the poem (or not), and answer questions (or not).

Purpose

I could promise you
a lifetime of opportunities,
and I could will your
positive wishes into light,
though I know that won't do
until you find your decency.

You've been given the finest
silver spoon placed upon
your clacking tongue, and yet
you forget to appreciate the
golden whispers carefully laid
upon your rambling ears.

While you're in the midst of
a skyrocketing turmoil, perhaps
you can find a way to regret
the spoiled tantrums that have
erupted, full of your incessant
and intrusive chatter.

The message of the poem is clear, expressed in simple words, easy to understand and read. The poem flows smoothly, none of the lines seemed forced. My personal preference is less I, you, your, you're. I took the liberty of removing some of them that didn't seem necessary and reworded the last line of verse one.

Questions:
What inspired you to write this?
If it is inspired by a person in your life, have you told them how you feel?

I could promise you
a lifetime of opportunities,
and could will your
positive wishes into light,
though I know that won't do
until your decency is found.

You've been given the finest
silver spoon placed upon
a clacking tongue, and yet
you forget to appreciate the
golden whispers carefully laid
upon rambling ears.

While in the midst of
skyrocketing turmoil, perhaps
you can find a way to regret
the spoiled tantrums that have
erupted, full of incessant
and intrusive chatter.

I have known people like that and you are right it won't do any good to talk to them, it would only give them one more thing to complain about, you. I too have, in my later life, tried to find positive things in all situations plus it keeps me from becoming the complaining person.

It's actually a very good poem and I like it. I'd edit out some filler words (or what seem to be) however. Here's my edited draft!

Purpose

I could promise you
a lifetime of opportunities,
and I could will your
wishes into light,
though I know that won't do
until you find your decency.

You've been given a
silver spoon laid upon
your tongue, and yet
you forget to appreciate
golden whispers laid
upon your ears.

While in the midst of
turmoil, perhaps
you can find a way to regret
tantrums that have
erupted, full of incessant
and intrusive chatter.