2011 P&Q Idol [Lu's contest] ROUND 2
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AJ
13 years agoAustralia is on the list of top 5 places I want to visit!
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Lu
13 years agoCHOICE 1 POEMS
POEM 1
Within Me
I muster up the courage and strength
to starve myself of future destruction,
looking in the mirror -
there are cracks, broken pieces
filled with heartbreak and trouble,
tiny shards surround the floor,
proving I am in
a hopeless state.
Desperation settles,
twisting paths marked with forks
determine whether the balance I crave
should point me towards
tragedy or triumph -
a central hub of my lifetime
permits dire attention,
I am unwilling to cooperate
with demons.
There are times I must learn
that creative lines don't break,
narrow passages can open,
windows can shatter
while portals swing wide open -
and that lessons learned the hard way
always teach us the most.
First poem in
7.5 + 6.5 + 9 = 23
Bonus points = 4
Judges BPs = 3+1+3
GRAND TOTAL = 34
COMMENTS:
- Less punctuation would work great in this poem, line breaks are automatic pauses. If you were to take out all of the punctuation, which are visual interruptions, this poem would have more of an aesthetic appeal.
- This writer has an adept vocabulary and knows how to use it properly. This poem didn't contain any of the empty adjectives that I find so grating. That said, there was a general "wordiness" to the poem that seemed to obscure, rather than capture, the emotion behind it. This could just be personal preference, but since that's all I have to give, I think bringing down the formal tone in some places of this poem would make it more accessible. I'm not saying it needs to be dumbed down, but some phrases like "proving I am in a hopeless state" or "unwilling to cooperate" sound too stuffy to match the aware spirit of this poem. Let it breathe.
- I love the depth and vulnerable sincerity of this piece.
The descriptions are fabulous and work together to paint a perfect picture.
I'm not totally satisfied with the word "surround" in the first stanza...
although that might be exactly what you mean. "Cover", "Blanket", "Strewn upon"
are some options.
POEM 2
Within Me
The tragedy within the timelessness
of my soul rests, soundless listening
for the faintest murmur from the wind,
pending on the banks of age, for future.
As I starve for the quiescent force dressing
my heart to erupt with a novel premise,
perchance to give up pursuing pen marks,
before footprints that justly fade away as
days wrinkle, whilst sinking in the tide of
competing years.
The misfortune within me stands in the form
of a hunter chasing musk, until I grasp sweet
scents that my vision radiates from its navel,
and rush to seize a new phase...
8.5 + 7 + 7 = 22.5
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs 2+2+1 = 5
GRAND TOTAL = 30.5
COMMENTS :
- I believe the correct grammar should be soundlessly not soundless. One should never end a sentence with a preposition, even in poetry. The preposition should have been the beginning of the next line. Wonderful poem content and a very captivating write. Nice use of the ellipsis (...) to end the poem.
- This poem had an interesting inherent rhythm; I got the impression that the writer was someone much used to working in rhymed verse, trying hard to keep it free. My favorite stanza was the first. It had the beat and wistfulness of some old arcane poem a one you'd read just for the sounds the words make, because the language is too antiquated to easily delve into. I thought that "antiquated" theme got taken farther in the second stanza, which fell a little heavily under words like "perchance" and "whilst." Rarely do I ever see a poem (written now) where words like that come across elegantly, so that might just be a personal pet peeve. I think the tenses were a bit off in the final stanza. Check the "that."
- this reads pretty well, but when I got to the end
I was left feeling confused. It kind of feels like you put
a bunch of words in a bag, shook it then dumped them out
and this is what you got.
POEM 3
Within Me
For once -
I no longer loiter sidewalks
of hopelessness
'round endless circles;
nor starve for happiness
among scraps of pottery
but rather within future -
is where it lies;
for love's tragedy has departed
on a bittersweet note
yet one of content
as the search for survival ends,
'cause it's within me -
as it has been all along.
Yet oblivion always seemed to tussle
my thoughts
as mind overrode heart,
'til it became but a
valuable lesson.
"Follow your heart,
never give up while accepting what is;
look beyond idealism to discover truth;
always hold onto that dream,
never let it flee from your grasp
yet do not cling to it for life."
It was today I captured that glimpse
through rose-colored glasses
among absence,
ripened yet
edible.
10 + 8 + 9.5 = 27.5
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 3+1+3 = 7
GRAND TOTAL = 37.5
COMMENTS :
- Beautiful poem! The lack of spelling out of some words seemed a bit lazy. In particular this line " 'cause it's within me -" is just not as powerful as what it should have been in a poem with this much emotion packed in. The phrase alone should show the empowerment it states, to spell it out "Because, it is within me" would be much powerful. Strength lies in word usage and it seems as though the way you have it stated you don't really believe the strength that is within you.
I personally think this poem is a bit over punctuated and that eliminating the majority of it would enhance the flow. One of the best among the entries.
- The grammar could use some sharpening in this poem, but besides that I thought it had good heart, as well as some nice little morsels of imagery. I liked "nor starve for happiness
among scraps of pottery" and
"I captured that glimpse
through rose-colored glasses
among absence,
ripened yet
edible."
Concrete and bright images like this help anchor a poem and make it tangible. If you bring your focus in like this, you're not in danger of wafting away on misty, vague, insubstantial language
- love, love, love this! Your word choice is perfect.
I especially liked the stanza in quotes. That's a bit of
advice everyone needs to hear.
POEM 4
Within Me
When a soul is left to
starve; a heart
learns to dance,
in tragedy.
Who will lift a hand,
to soothe a seam,
unlaced;
twice before?
For the future is
obscure;
yesterday,
but a forgotten
melody.
I reach for you once more.
In the draft of winter,
ruled by
nonsensical,
I found you
-within me-
my summertime.
8 + 9 + 9 = 26
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 2+1+1 = 4
GRAND TOTAL = 33
COMMENTS :
- First stanza, first line, "to" and the last stanza, second line "by" would flow better if not used at the end of a natural pause. Suggestion to move these words to the beginning of the next line. Very nice imagery
- This poem was clear and elegant. Its stanzas stand alone as little aphorisms, but are linked by a common thread. The second stanza was dear, and the final was sweet. On the less positive side of things, all the semi-colons were improperly used, and I wasn't a fan of the lines around "within me." They stood out because there was no precedence for them earlier in the poem. I'm not sure what punctuation would be more preferable, however.
- excellent. Although I really love this,
I'm not sure the stanzas complement each other.
the 4 multi-line stanzas could each stand on their own,
nothing really ties them together. Maybe that is what
unites them. :)
POEM 5
Within Me
All that was perched
in a robins nest
wanderd within me -
a bird
too venerable to fly,
sat with
moth-eaten wings,
singing of
-all she knew,
and all she would
grow old with-
a pocket watch
too rusted to tick and
a mask of tragedy that would
warn off any consort
who dared ask her
to the ball,
for she would rather
dismiss passion
than starve her children,
to hum soley,
than raise young amongst foxes
whose bellies were plump with
feathers of the future, while
her childrens would be
emptied by worms.
8 + 10 + 7 = 25
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 2+1+1
GRAND TOTAL = 32
COMMENTS :
- Unfortunately there are misspelled word(s) (wandered) and grammar errors. The poem as a whole was nice and the imagery was unique, overall one of my favorites. The poem needs to be tightened up. Some lines end with prepositions which should be brought to the next line as a beginning.
- This poem needs a lot of editing. There are misspellings and misplaced/lacking punctuation marks. Again, the "-" marks threw me off.
That said... it's my favourite that I've read yet, so far as originality and juicy imagery is concerned. Instead of being vague and saying "this is what I think," this poet chose several concrete images to concentrate on, and to help focus the reader and drive home the spirit of the poem, without having to say it. The images they did chose were handled deftly. I loved the focus on wildlife for most of the poem. Foxes with bellies plump with feathers of the future? I couldn't define precisely, in dictionary terms, what it means, but it conveys a truth regardless. Lovely.
- there are a couple places that need apostrophes, and
"soley" should be "solely." I liked the first three stanzas,
but then the rest of it just seemed to spiral.
POEM 6
Within Me
Whispers in the dark
beckon unto me
with promises of peace
only to be a nightmare
whilst I starve for affection
and a future worth note
every road paved with dirt
every bend another tragedy
brutality is what I remember
colored in black and blue
books provided an escape
lest the stark naked truth
too fictitious to be real
lost amongst the demons
that have lived freely
within me....
8 + 6 + 7.5 = 24.5
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 2+1+2 = 5
GRAND TOTAL = 32.5
COMMENTS :
- Perfect punctuation in this poem. The less punctuation in a poem, the less it is distracting from it. However the train of thought is lost in this poem, for instance this line "lest the stark naked truth". Lest the stark naked truth what? If it is to go with the last stanza then it should be together and not separated into a separate stanza. There are a few extraneous words used throughout the poem. Also, the repetition of the word "every" is not appealing
- This poem has a sad tone that is consistent throughout. My overall impression is that the sentiment is there, but the flow would be much improved by use of punctuation. Reading the poem aloud, it's unclear which words are part of the same phrase, and which should be separate. So, some lines like "lest the stark naked truth" seem to hang suspended and unattached. I'm not sure whether it belongs with the stanza it's chunked into, or whether it ought to carry on to the next one.
- so powerful. The first line is so simple
yet captivating. Daring me to not read on.
Just a couple suggestions:
Line 4 - whilst I starve > starving (after the contest is over, anyway)
Line 5 - and a > yearning (or craving)
Line 6 - is what I remember > litters my memory or shaded memories
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CHOICE 2
POEM 7
Rivers and Mountains Triple Haiku
Abreast a river,
standing proudly over all;
a silent beauty.
Evergreen trees and
snow peaked mountain tops glisten
on a sunny day.
Untouched real-estate,
rarely conquered by humans;
forever serene.
7.5 + 5 + 6 = 18.5
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 2+2+1 = 5
GRAND TOTAL = 26.5
COMMENTS :
- Haikus are supposed to be compact little pieces of poetry that pack emotion and soul into a 5-7-5 syllable count, the use of "and" as part of the syllable count distracts from the haiku. Also, well written haikus shouldn't need punctuation.
- Clear and correct, but
lack of sensuous wording
leaves me underwhelmed.
- Bravo for taking on the haiku choice.
You've painted a beautiful picture for your readers.
I especially liked the last one. "Untouched real-estate"--EXCELLENT!
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CHOICE 3
POEM 8
Without You
Shouted out alone today
To see if I could still hear.
The silence, it went away,
but was replaced with a fear.
Looked into my hollow heart
to see if it could still feel.
The images that I saw
they all seemed to be so real.
Listened within for the beat
the rhythm that stole my soul
gave my mind wings, I felt heat,
yet the yearning left a hole.
7 + 3.5 + 6.5 = 17
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 1+2+1 = 4
GRAND TOTAL = 24
COMMENTS
- The whole poem seemed to be forced, not only the rhyme scheme also, the arrangement of the words. Not very creative, and the flow is really tattered in this poem with forced rhyming and superfluous words.
- This is a straightforward poem in a form that many of us have relied upon when just starting out. I would urge the writer to push themselves and add more of their own unique voice - this poem could have been written by anyone. I would like to see them do something with more personal style. Don't be afraid of free-verse; expression can loosen up when it's away from stodgy rhymes.
- Good start. Although it's already short and to the point,
it is still too wordy and the words that are there are a little bland.
You need to add exciting verbs. This could benefit from a fourth stanza...
one that starts with "touched"
Stanza one suggestion:
Shouted out alone today
Can I still hear?
Silence scurried away
being replaced by fear
POEM 9
My Prison
No one heard,
Nighttime was knocking at our door,
It's over now,
Dreams have kissed reality.
I was lost, bound,
Haunted by what you were,
Staring at a past I didn't want to exist,
Broken and fading.
No one believed, not even me,
The ghost of all we were,
Tarnished by what we should have been,
But it's over now.
Hollow sentiments echo within,
Broken wings catching no air,
I have caged myself,
And forgotten how to sing.
7.5 + 8.5 + 8 = 24
Bonus points = 1
Judges BPs = 2+3+1 = 6
GRAND TOTAL = 31
COMMENTS :
- It is grammatically incorrect to start a line with a capital letter, end it with a comma and start the next line with a capital letter. The beginning three stanzas are weak in comparison to the last stanza of which, was a very nice touch. With such a short poem there are two lines that begin with the same word which distract from the flow.
- This submission feels like it was written by someone with a good grasp on poetry in general. I found the final stanza to be the most impacting. It held earnest and apt metaphors, and I thought they were effective. The middle two stanzas, while technically sound and written with a nice and natural vocabulary, didn't have the same punch as the ending one. They seemed the most abstract and watery.
- very nice. I can feel the pain and hopelessness
behind your words.
POEM 10
Without You
A song set to rhyme deep inside my heart
Is what you are to me, and it sings of joy
Peaceful and content in your presence
God grant that our ways will never part
Within His hand we play and become one
As the sun creates a halo of pure gold
I am invincible, I am God, I am All!
Wings of desire lifting me; I become undone
Without you I am nothing but hollow space
On a dark and endless road leading nowhere
A broken tree withering from the inside out-
Raggedy-dressed abandoned angel, fallen from grace
8 + 7.5 + 7 = 22.5
Bonus points = 3
Judges BPs = 2+1 + 1
GRAND TOTAL = 29.5
COMMENTS :
- If you are continuing a thought on the next line it would not be necessary to capitalize the next word. The capital letter beginning each line makes the reader think it is an entirely new thought.
- This poem gains strength from stanza to stanza, culminating with
"Without you I am nothing but hollow space
On a dark and endless road leading nowhere
A broken tree withering from the inside out-"
To me, this section was the high point of the poem, and I wouldn't have minded seeing it end there. It felt like the last line was added out of necessity, to keep the uniformity of the layout. This is a case where I would have liked to see a less strict form - one that let the subtle rhyming come through, but wouldn't sacrifice power for form. The first stanza was trite, but subsequent imagery redeemed the poem as a whole.
- This is cute and nice, but some of the lines
are kind of cliche and wordy.
Example: your first two lines could be
"Echoing from the depths of my heart
You are my song of joy"
There is great potential here.
POEM 11
Without You
My senses awaken at the sight of this place
I've been here before but for a different face
The doors open up and it triggers a thought
so many people have died here no matter how hard they fought
The picture was clear he was lying on the bed
with needles in his arms and a cool towel on his forehead
His face was so pale, his skin was so white
his daughters were holding his hands so tight
He was unconscious but we hope he could hear
so we whispered words of love close to his ear
His wife by his side trying to keep him alive
hoping against all odds that he will survive
You need to hold on and fight for your life
in two weeks time, your daughter will be a wife
You couldn't wait to walk her down the aisle
please don't go yet not for a while
Your other daughter is having a child again
without you here, it won't be the same
His mother starts shedding tears of anger
screaming "Why didn't anyone tell me he had cancer?"
Too old and frail they thought she shouldn't know
it was in her best interest but it's hard to let go
His brothers and sisters and family are there
watching him die, our hearts fill with despair
The nurse comes in to check on his state
we pray to God above though we know that it is fate
I walk out of the room as I needed some time
for only a moment I left them behind
I could see other people in their beds as they lie
all alone in their rooms, just waiting to die
It broke my heart seeing them there
no one should feel this way, it's just not fair
In the waiting room we sat with a prayer in our hearts
all saying the rosary hoping that he would not part
I had to go back; he took a turn for the worst
he died while we were with him, shedding one tear first
We too started to cry, releasing our pain
thinking please God don't let us go through this again
We will feel hollow within our hearts; we've broken down and fallen apart
though we know he watches over us, spreading his wings, showing his love
6 + 4 + 6 = 16
Bonus points = 2 (-1 BP FOR LAST POEM SUBMITTED)
Judges BPs = 1+3+1
GRAND TOTAL = 22
COMMENTS:
- Two line stanzas are boring and create absolutely no flow in the poem. The poem is all over the place in thoughts and there are way too many "his, he, I, and you's" to make this poem sound poetic. The rhyming is really just cliche, no real unique use of rhyme, just the same thing. You have this rhyme scheme going and then all of a sudden it doesn't rhyme anymore. I guess I could see the slant rhyme in anger and cancer, but the last two lines do not rhyme at all. You end up knowing what to expect with the poem and it just wasn't exciting. It is hard to try to judge a poem that has real life heartbreak and a probable real account of but technically it was weak.
- The rhyme scheme of this poem is definitely not my favorite. In my opinion the rhymes seem forced, as if the words are only chosen for their rhyming merit, and no other reason. However, there is certainly a market for poems of this nature, and longer "story" poems often take this form.
As for the content, I felt that the very end was disconnected from the rest of the poem. The whole story is about this sad situation, and I felt that the gravity of scene was brushed away by an offhand "but it will all be ok." Whether or not the sentiment is true, I think that theme of God's love and power ought to have been introduced earlier in the poem, or worked up to in some way. As it stands, it nearly feels like a cop-out, ala "then he woke up and it was all a dream." It doesn't do justice to the emotions.
- This is a very touching story and I know it surely means a lot
to those it is written about and for. The love, pain and sorrow are evident.
From a technical standpoint, the rhythm is choppy and inconsistent
and far too wordy. for example, a simple edit of the 10th couplet would be:
His mother sheds tears of disbelieving anger
"Why wasn't I told that he had cancer?!"
FINAL RESULTS
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POEM 3 ... 37.5 points
POEM 1 ... 34 points
POEM 4 ... 33 points
POEM 6 ... 32.5 points
POEM 5 ... 32 points
POEM 9 ... 31 points
POEM 2 ... 30.5 points
POEM 10 ... 29.5
ELIMINATED
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POEM 7 ... 26.5 points
POEM 8 ... 24 points
POEM 11 ... 22 points
Congrats to the poet who wrote Poem # 3, today is your day to shine !!!!
You will notice ( ) beside 2 poems. I am waiting to hear back from one of the judges and will post
the missing ones as soon as I hear back.
Since the missing BPs will not affect the final results in any way ... we will continue with round 2
in a bit.
Thank you to everyone who participated this round.
A big thank you to the judges for taking the time to give their comments and votes. I appreciate the
time and effort you put into this round.
The poets of poems 7 .. 8 .. 11 have been eliminated.
*Cuts blue wristbands and delivers bright yellow ones to the remaining 8
See you all in round 3
*Please note if you see any `~;, mistakes in the judge's comments, do not blame them ... lol ... there were a few little squigglies that this site loves to add in, that I tried to remove*
EDIT : Everything is all fixed up regarding the ( ) :)
