Difference

I think there is a difference between suicidal thoughts and suicidal urges. but because people take these sort of things very seriously, it makes it really hard to talk about. i guess i can understand why. nobody wants to think he's joking and find out he wasn't. so everybody treats it like its the real deal.

i've been having these thoughts pop into my head. i would randomly be picturing myself hanging from various places, ceiling fans, window wells, fire escapes. i would even dream about it, and wake up. but i dont have the urge to do anything. i suddenly noticed that the swords on my wall can be more than decoration. or the pocket knives in my room are somewhat convenient. or the .22 rifle under my bed still has ammunition in the case under my bed.

yet i have no intention of using them or acting on these thoughts. i find this odd. i want to discuss them without people thinking im suicidal. and i thought that the internet is a convenient place to remain mostly anonymous. so no reason to be dishonest. plus i remember getting some pro advice from here in the past. so...

discuss

Any reason for these kinda thots?

I hate the cliche, but...

long story short: my girlfriend broke up with me

long story medium: i loved her. i thought she was the one. i dont have a high opinion of myself. and i invested a lot of myself into her. but it appears for a number of reasons that we cant be together. so now i dont feel good enough for anybody. and pretty much hate myself for letting such happiness go.

long story medium-long: not a lot of good things have been happening lately. she was the one thing keeping me sane. all of the bad stuff was not so bad if i had her. now all i have is an empty hole. and i cant fill it. same old bullshit doesnt cut it anymore.

there is a long story long version: but i dont have the heart to explain it, and i am getting off topic. everybody has their reasons to think suicidal thoughts. but acting is much different...right?

or perhaps there is a fine line that i am walking, but do not realize?

I agree with you. There is a difference between suicidal thoughts and urges; but thoughts can lead to urges, so I think you should try to get your mind off these thoughts. I've had violent, and suicidal thoughts before, but like you said, never the urge. I used to imagine horrible things happening to me, or myself doing these horrible things to myself. These thoughts are gone now, I no longer have them, it was sort of a phase I was going through, where I was always depressed and all.

Suicidal thoughts are not normal, and you shouldn't be having them, because they are a sign that you're troubled inside. You have told us now that you are. Things that help you get rid of them are expressing these thoughts through drawing, writing or poetry, that's the first step. Next you have to keep yourself occupied to keep away from what causes you these feelings and when you're ready, you need to confront them. Look for people who have gone through what you're going through and talk to them, read stories of people who have gone through things like this... it will help you see that there still is hope.

I have a feeling that your ex left you vaguely, without actually telling you the reason behind your breakup, or that everything happened too fast and changed rapidly from what you thought was perfect to chaos and now you feel you have no goal in life and your life is a mess. When you are ready I think you should talk to her, not to get back, but to clear things up and mend any loose ends. You should also figure out what you want to do with your life, I mean in terms of hobbies and doing something you like, that may fill in the gap a bit.

Finally, you need to know that healing takes time. Allow yourself to forget and forgive and remind yourself of what's good in your life. Look at your qualities and invest them in something useful. In the end you'll find the right person. That's how love is, there are many people out there and you have to look and wait for the right person. Because this one didn't work, it means she wasn't the one.