All Cutting/Self Harm Issues - This Thread Only #19

Yea i do want somebody to tell me to stop i want somebody to notice and just stop and ask me if im ok i need someone to see past me smile but they never do

You will never be able to stop unless you decide to, you dont need somebody elses strength - you need your own, and it might seem like you have non but you will be suprised at how well we can each hold it together.

Some people are better at hiding the way they hold it together, others arnt. Some people dont notice other people stresses in life because there dealing with a bunch themselves. Some people have a flow past me attitude (i wish i did). You just have know and believe that you can and will change..it wont happen over night, it takes time..alot of time.

I myself have found my way back not forward and it will take me along time to gather enough strength to stop again. Starting and continuing to self harm isnt the worst thing for a self harmer..its the urge, the relapses.

If you are not already on medication and seeing a doctor/phycotherapist then i suggest you start, you can control the help that you want/get. It is up to you and you alone. Friends and loved ones can only stand by and tell you how well you are doing, how brave you are..they cant actually put the self harming instrument down and walk away from it.

Yea i would love to be able to stop but something makes me go back and do it all over again not big things just small things really

I dont see anybody bout this expect u guys cos ur the obly people who no about this and my school does have teachers u can talk to bout this but my mums a teacher at my school so im scared she will find out from them and be dissapointed with me

Ive been there. I know how difficult and frustrating it can be to be living in a war zone in your head. But the simple fact is you still need to talk t somebody - online can be a good support system but it is not a great one, you need to see your doctor and explain your feelings to him/her. You could go to one of your teachers but if your concerned you would be better off going to the doctors. You could talk to a parent or family member, someone old enough to know how to deal with this for the better not the worse. Dont let it fester though as that will make your life more unbearable. Depression is not something to get disappointed at, nor is self harm. If you truly want to get better you wont be affraid or embaressed or anything because nothing will matter any more other than the determination to get better.

I hope you find the courage to take a step towards getting help. You will always have your online support groups.

Thanks have you heard of the song paradise by coldplay its really good (sorry abit off topic but im listening to it riigth now and yea) i think im going to start off small and tell my friend who is kinda in the same place as me but not as bad

Hey i've been cutting for a while now i stopped for a few weeks but my bf just broke up with me and i cant let my friends know that i've relapsed can anyone give me any advice??

Talk to your friends, they will support you in this and help you through it.
And try not to cut, it's hard I know but really it's better to talk.

Relapsed too, thought I could stop but seems thats not gonna happen anytime soon..

I'm just scared of hurting my friends. I thought i wouldnt relapse but then the bullying became worse and my now ex-bf :(, who was the first person that has ever made me feel truly happy and made me feel like i actually mattered in this world, broke up with me i just crashed. my friends were so happy when i stopped i cant put them through this pain again...

Its ok to relapse every now and then.Life IS hard.
When you get to the stage where you knw you cant stop you need to talk to somebody - it doesnt have to be your friends but they can be an excellent support to recovery.

How did you stop the last time - can you use that method again if it gets too much?

Break ups can be very hard to get over and sometimes they take a few years to be really over. Your still in the grieving process so you need to cry and be with your friends/family until your not as broken. Grieving for the end of a relationship can be very exhausting so somebody you trust should know so that they can pull you up from low moods.

For me - i watched "friends" from series one to the final, everyday until i finished then i started on "sex and the city" - mostly because that was as close to real life heartache and watching how the ficticious charectors managed helped me a little. I didnt eat anything but toasted teacakes and was living on 3 a day for 6/7 months after that life got a little easier and i was able to take control of most of the things in my life again. I was able to tell my family and friends about it all and i wasnt ashamed/embarressed anymore. They helped me through I'll admit i was very much like you in the sence that my now ex bf saw me and made me feel.I will also admit that when he broke my heart i relapsed big time, went off the rails if you will..it was such a change in my life that my body and mind just couldnt cope with it all. This is why you should talk to someone.

Online support groups are good, friends and family are better.

- No i dont think ive heard the song by coldplay..unless its been on the radio or something - i dont really pay that much attention to background noise ect. Will have to look for it though to see what you mean.

Angel i no wat u mean ur scared that ur friends might turn on u or something or that they will just look at u with dissapointment in there eyes

I wish i stop the same way i did last time but last time i never expected to stop. i looked into my bag in the middle of my physics class and i saw a note and i thought it was from a girl who had been talking to my bf and making him think i was cheating on him and that i was a whore so i opened it and after i read the first line i had to close it before i burst into tears. When i got home i read the rest of it and i couldnt believe it Everything that she wrote had an effect on me. SHe also drew a picture of an arm and cut into the wrist was the word "Forgiven". For some reason that helped me stop. I started being happy again (Without faking it) but then that girl kept terrorizing me and wouldnt leave me alone. Lately its been getting worse but idk what to do about it. My ex breaking up with me was all it took for me to finally crack. i'm just so tired of feeling emotional pain. I'm so done getting hurt. People at my school see me as an angel but they dont know whats under my mask. My ex was the one that first started calling me angel and i just cant let it go. I know he's gone and i admit i've kinda started liking someone else and apparently he likes me too but i think he just got suspended and he kinda wants to get back with his ex. But I dont think i'll ever get over him. i cant put ny friends through this pain again. Already 3 of them know and theres only one who i cant have find out. I'm the oldest in my family so i didnt have anyone to look up to when i was growing up then i met this girl when i was in elementary school and ever since we've been best friends. She's like the big sister i never had. When she found out i was cutting in the first place she broke down and it hurt me to know that i was putting her through so much pain. I cant hurt her again. I just cant. Ever since Mark left i've had no one to turn to. I dont know what to do anymore...

Its ok life seems hard now but it will get better u just have to belive in ur self if u belive in ur self and belive that ur a wonderful person that ur hotest thing around then it will show people will see that that guy will see his mistake that b*tch who was terrorizing u will se that shes just a horrid person ur friends will be proud and mark will want his angel back

Thanks i'm trying to believe myself but for me its really hard i lost my self confidence a long time ago. I've been made fun of since preschool by alot of the same people and i'm still going to the same school. I hate being emo ut its better than all of the emotional pain the world causes me. I hope your right about Mark. He used to call me his Angel. I hope he wants me still...

I no wat its lyk to be made fun of but all u hve to do is either make it no fun to tease you by atecpting it or turning ur weakness into ur strength with mark if im sure if he sees u being beautiful and strong he WILL want u back it worked for me

He wont see me He goes to a different school and never visits mine. I miss him but i'm moving on
-Angel

Thats good that u r moving u will find someone better im here if u ever want to talk
-tubbybear

Thanks i hope i will soon i feel really alone at school
-Angel

I hope life gets better for you as my friend says life maybe a b*tch to people who take risks but we get great rewards aswell

Wow ive never heaard that before i'll definetally remember that. well something happened today read my new poem nevermore and you'lll find out :)
-Angel

Woah thats really awesome sounds like ur life is fixing its self back up

Somewhat. i'm getting there i'm still kinda depressed but things are gettng a bit better
-Angel

Thats really good to hear
-Tubbybear

The nightmares are back, hardly sleeping. Through the day I'm alone and exhausted,at night I'm scared to sleep and when I do I often wake screaming/crying and very dissorientated. I havnt self harmed again as yet but all those old thoughts are creeping back inside and most of me just doesn't give a damn if I do or go to far.. as long as everything stops!

Dont do it try other stuff to get to sleep does sleeping pills stop dreams try methods of sleeping things if u look on google im sure u will find something

Last week was bad, but this week has been better. I hope I can just STOP. With EVERYTHING. :/

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here u either tryed to help me or helped me so THANK YOU SO MUCH *big hugs* everything in my life is fixing its self because im happy again my boyfriend is talking to me again

Good that everything is better for you :)

I guess everyone just needs to be patient to find a bit happiness, even though that sucks sometimes.

Perscription sleeping meds give me nightmares, only I can't wake up from them and over the counter stuff doesn't work on me, plus I have to think of if there going to interfear with my other medications.

Feeling more alone today, not alone like people don't understand me but the kind of alone that is very litteral, even as I sat in the cafe earlier for breakfast it was a skeleton crew on and one other customer.

I often wonder if my physical pain is a manefestation o my emotional pain, why else would my body ache so much.

I just did a really stupid thing, i read some poems that are very sentimental and emotional to me from an ex...i say "an" very loosely because i know in my heart he was the one. But i wont bore and go in to detail about how i messed it all up. Ive tried to move on best i can and in a way i guess i thought that if i could look at old photographs of us together, listen to old songs we danced to and read old poetry from his heart to mine and not get upset, not cry, not reminise i would be deffinatly, fully, all the way over him..i managed the photographs because they were all of good, happy memories, i managed to get through most songs but some in particular were very hard and i fought back the tears id hidden long ago..i knew in an instant though, when i started to read his words, his lovely lovely words that i was going to crumble, and i did, i crashed hard, it was like everything was happening all over again, all the pain that lasted months, all the arguments and harsh glances all came flooding back, my happy memories of us had dissintigrated in an instant and the only thing left was pain, unbearable pain. I couldnt breath and thats all i wanted to do, Years turned into 4 minuets and those 4 minuets felt like a century. As soon as i felt the tears coming i knew, i knew i wasnt over him, stll, after all theese years there is still something there for him..even though i feel pain i still miss him. i dont know why im more angry at myself, for not being over him or for getting upset about not being over him. When will all this pain die off! I dont want to live the rest of my life feeling this way and as it is its really starting to feel as though i will. Im just so sick and tired of covering old ground - i just want it all to be over with, boxedup and put to the back of my walk in like clothes i dont wear anymore, like the pair of boots that look great but you know you will never wear agin because they hurt like hell when you walk in them..i cant believe i just compared his love to a pair of boots.. i havnt self harmed as yet and to be honest i dont think i will tonight, the thought is there but its very little..probably because everything else is crushing it to the back..The film industry should make a film about THIS kind of love - (most of you will know what i mean by that) just so it gives young, hopeful children an idea of just how flippin bad love really is to live with.

*Deep breath.
*Sigh.
*vent over with.

Am so ready to relapse. if Byron doesnt leave me alone i'm gunna cuss him out then cry and when i get home my wrist will no loner be able to heal...

I'm just so tired...

Im just ...........

The medication is not working and I'm feeling worse, had enough!

If its making u worse go talk to somebody about it it shudnt be making u worse and theres probly something wrong if its making u worse and feeling lyk u have had enough

The stand in doc thinks I should give it time to work, have an appoint with my real doc nxt week, and I've had enough of taking different meds every 2months.. my rational mind knows to justkerp going until I find the right combo but my impatients to get better rushes things..I know this and trying to break the cycle.

It wil be ok u will find the rainbow at the end of the tunnel

I write a lot, go figure, but most people here dont know about my emotional issues, suicidal issues, cutting issues.. I tend to keep that all neat and nice. So... Even though this is super long and will probably bore people more then help...

This is something i wrote after an attack, its a reason to stop cutting, and if you dont cut its a reason to never start. Seriously.... Sorry if this is just spam to people...

But you never know.. This is when i woke up after having a horrible attack. Yes... >.< Its straight from my diary... So its written kinda odd for this.

And as i wake up this morning I'm left with the feeling of "How much longer can I keep this up?". Its a fair and honest question don't you think? How much longer can I go taking this punishment, taking (what feels like) the low road and being told that the road with all the grass isn't an option (suicide)? What would you do? I am already dealing with so much, the memories are already piling up how can I deal with emotions too? Why can't I just shut them off... Why can't I just pretend...? I remember when I was younger and depression had a hold on me I could wish it all away, pretending that there was something to hold onto gave me hope for the future. I can't seem to find stable ground to walk on so instead I am stuck dealing with this rejection of myself and others. Happiness seems but a memory, but now I wonder if it was ever even that, I wonder if it was just another demon taunting me with the fruit of Eden; or, if by chance, it was an actual feeling how it has slipped away so far that I can no longer feel it, see it, or grasp it.

I'm running you know, running to find the person I once was, who I came here to be. Everyday I find new struggles and every night i cope in ways that you could not understand; a simple cut isn't but a simple cut. It is a memory rippling through the times, through my entire body. As I try to extinguish this punishment I inflict on myself nightly I, instead, am left with memories that roam free throughout my body, weighing my soul down and anchoring what I tried so hard to fight. The memories are like holding flames to my body, burning them, searing my body; wounding me in ways that even I can not cope with. Some nights I lay paralyzed as i watch the flames flicker on and off as they dance across my body, leaving a trail of regret where they go. So I ask you, what sounds more pleasant; The fire, burning my soul or the blade, leaving a ripple of time on my body throughout the ages? I have to say the blade, I have never been one for self torture you see. Its funny that I put it that way, not because ultimately that is exactly what I'm doing with each of these cuts, but rather, self torture is all people feel like they see me do. I don't agree that dwelling on memories, the pain, the newly bred hatred is self torture. I instead think of it more along the lines of self preservation; I could not withstand having these things happen to me again. Although the matters might seem fickle to some, to those that understand, to those that have gotten that feeling that someone else gives; of love, you then realize just how much your life mattered before and without it you realize, again, just what your life is worth. The answer, for me at least, is again a neatly created scar. One that I can look at as the ages pass me by, remembering the past. Yes, each scar to me holds a memory; but, its so much more then that to me. Each one of these scars holds a feeling, the feeling I had when i was taken advantage of, the feeling I had when I asked her out, and the one that haunts my body, of her breaking up with me. Granted there are thousands of other memories I have extinguished but these ones litter my body.
Why, I'm sure you ask yourself, would I have more then one cut for a single memory? The answer is simple, it isn't a single memory. From the time i asked her out and brought her down the hill and kissed her to the cheesecake factory. Each one of these has a memory, a feeling worth not forgetting. It's funny because everyone thinks its the depressing memories that bring you down but in reality its the absence of the ones that made you feel so happy and alive. The absence of her holding me, telling me it will be alright, hell I miss cuddling together in nothing but our underwear. To bad these, and this is what hurts the most, are nothing but memories that will be forgotten once I pass away...

What if I told you I wrote this for you? For each and every single one of you that ever happened to read this? Could you even understand the pain that lays behind my eyes? Could you understand the words that I write? Could you even deal with the thoughts that might come up? Could you? Could you deal with knowing what you are putting me through, knowing that you are the soul reason this regret and unholy pain live breathing throughout this body? Twisting me, deforming my soul into something a little less human. Could you look away? Turn the other cheek so that I may find peace and happiness in my own suicide. No. I know you couldn't. As much as you say you want whats best for me I, of all people, know whats best for me. I know what I need... Yet I sit here. Unable to act or move. Unable to give into these demons that do stalk me every night. I might not be dead yet; but my soul, my body, and my spirit have broke long ago. They are but another memory, another scar on this wasteland I call life. So I will assure you, I am already dead. This note will fall on deaf ears though fore in a week or two you would have already forgotten this. You would have already found something else in your life to fill the hole. A new memory to replace this one. You will forget that I am already dead and ask me simply for help or to talk; to come by and tell you all the things you want to hear. And I, being unable to let my pain out, will sit there consoling your every fear, pain, and unwanted memory. Eventually becoming something less...

I want to relapse so bad right now. i give it til friday. if this doesnt get better relapsing

Hey justnei can i tell u a story u might not get it or find it boring but ok so i ahve thse friends and one of them had a crush on this guy he was new we were writing notes on in science class and well he read the note she was really depressed for a while and then out of nowhere he asked her out now they r going out see the point of that story is that even tho life has its bad points it makes up for it with good ones so if ur life is really bad something really good will happen ok so jsut stick around same for u angel

Haha. I've worked very hard with these issues, it was really just something i wrote in case if someone else wanted to read it. Some people, for whatever reason, dont believe they are understood >.<... Thats a pretty powerful thing right there. so who knows