All Cutting/Self Harm Issues - This Thread Only #19

Gasping for air naww cute thats so cute how old r ur kids i babysit these two kids there 2 and 4 the youngest one doesnt speak properly and says everything with a w in the word so she told me she had her wunicowrn its so cute

Gasping for air naww cute thats so cute how old r ur kids i babysit these two kids there 2 and 4 the youngest one doesnt speak properly and says everything with a w in the word so she told me she had her wunicowrn its so cute

Mine are 5 and 4. both girls and im due to have my son in june. i love my girls but it will bee so much fun having a boy this time around. im anxious but scared cuz im a single mom and raising two has had its difficulties but three is going to be tougher. But Im happy im going to be the momma of three wonderful children. :) Kids are amazing, and its amazing to watch them develop and grow up

Thank you but i mostly vent/vomit it all out and only talk to a few people about it all in detail.

Here is something great that really cheered me up today - sence the sarcasim! Bear in mind im there for anyone who needs it, always available for anything and generally try and help as many people in and out of my life as i can. THIS is what a so called friend sent me, because i didnt get in touch with her when she called. Me and her have known each other for about 11 years and THIS is stuff that she brings up - stuff i brought up months ago and SHE did nothing. Now its all on me and is all my fault!

HER: hey b****.... hows things?

ME: ok a s'pose. u?

HER: whats up?

ME: nuthin, just chillin afta a day of cleaning. u?

HER: really dont feel that we are the mates we used to be. i made a point to say that i felt that we were drifting apart and got u over here. i hinted for us to catch up last week and nothing. friendship is more than one way and right now its me getting in touch, me suggesting meeting, me wanting to see you. dont think its the same for you.

ME: i thought we had a catch up, a little one but still one. i agreed it didnt feel the same and mentioned it months ago. the way my mentality is right now im not really opening up to anyone, not even my family. most of the time im just trying to stay awake. sorry you feel that way but i thought i tried.

HER:sorry isnt what i want or need from you. you say you are finding things hard, i think you need to take a moment and look at what others are going throughthen you might realisehow selfish you are coming across.

ME: ok

--------What i find most annoying is that i was the one who said to her months ago it felt like we were drifting, i was the one arranging to meet up and she was the one cancelling on me all the time or getting her new partner to visit when we were suposed to be having one on one time. I stopped trying and just thought of myself for a change - let all the crap fly straight past me, for once i was taking a second out of my life to feel all the things i needed to feel - but it got in the way i guess. enough for her to start what could have been a very serious argument. She hasnt replied and if she does i dont intend to. She knows i have alot on my mind right now and dont need to be bothered with drama or hassel, least of all from her who is organising another wedding - one which she will probably cancel - AGAIN. No, i refuse to be sucked in, if she cant see or be there for ME when i need a friend why the heck should i be there for her. This is seriously the last thing i need right now and tbh it feels like she is pushing me over the edge on purpose. I doubt we will talk for a couple days - because both of us need to calm down, but i think this could be the end of our friendship.

i guess the question is:Do i care enough to not let a friend walk away, i just dont know anymore, im sick of all the things she tries to control, all the things she does to get more and more info out of someone, i think i might have reached my drama limit with her. Mostly im just angry at her for thinking im selfish - you know, ME. ME selfish..what a joke! I refuse to cut, i have the feeling but i refuse to cut - im too wound up that i know i wont get the release i need from it.

Did have such a nice day until all this too. >:'(

I have gone through this kind of thing with several of my friends. and ive been on your side of it more than once....
you can let her know that you care, that you want to still be close... you can reitterate all that youve already said.
you have to realize that people are the way they are and change is not easy for a majority of people. so if this is the way that she is then you have two options... you can accept the way she is and try to make the friendship work around it, or you can decide that you cant handle a friend like this anymore and let the friendship go. some people are just not meant to be in your life forever. theyre meant for a little while to help you, change your life in some way, have some sort of effect on your life. this is what i believe anyways. i have a best friend who ive had quarrels and spats with over the years. she and i have been friends for a good nine years. we had a year of it where we werent talking at all because of a huge fight we had. but weve picked back up where we left off. there are some things about her that bother me and vice versa but we accept that in each other and realize that neither one of us is perfect...
hope that helped you some... dunno if it did or not but i hope so....

Over the years ive known her its always been one thing after another after another with her. She pushes herself to the extreme, pushes at being a mother - so much so her eldest daughter comes to me for comfort because she can seem so cold. Im talking about her telling her kids off for the littlest of things, like asking for food because there hungry an 30 min before she is due to cook the tea. She gets with a partner then pushes them up to a point of kicking them up the bottom to get motivated in their life - which i agree can be a good thing but not when she pushes them towards an ex and then gets suprised at why she is left standing feeling like she is owed something..ive saw her push her family and friends away one by one, me and i think 2 others are the only ones that have stayed by her side for so long..but everything has to be about her.

She does have a very strong controling mindset and one of my other friends pointed it out to me and i was like - woah..yeah..your totally right! After that i admit i took a step back just so she would see how much of a friend i am, and it made me realise just how much i was under her thumb. Her saying jump and me saying how high type of thing. I realised that in any kind of argument, small or big ect that i was the one running to her appolagising - ALL the time and asking for forgiveness, even when i was in the right!

Im torn because we have been friends for a very long time and know far too much about each other to stop being friends, i guess im just scared that if i carry on being her friend we will hit the same wall. I know i need to talk to her about the problems that caused us to drift ect and i know fine well she wont like what i have to say but ffriends shouldnt be affraid to speak their minds - im not going to be mean or anything but i fear that if i do say all the things on my mind to clear the air that she wont like it, shout at me - use things from my past to hurt me and stomp off and be in a huff with me for a while if not forever!

I honestly dont know if the friendship i have with her is worth saving. But hanging out like we used to doesnt feel the same. I still feel very much guarded around her. Friends shouldnt feel that way - should they!?

I love my job, where I work and the people I help but I ate the staff, they are horrible and the office do duck all about it, sooo frustrating!

At least I don't want to cut tonight so that's good I guess.

Cutting again.
im just so confused about everything, dunno what to do about it all dunno which choices to make.
one side of me wants help and want to get better but the other side is asking why.. whats the reason of trying and that i actually like it like this mostly.

Blackstar i no u can get through this u no which side of u is better and rite and which side will win over all but only u can make it happen u hold the blade u say im cutting again lyk u kinda had no say in it but always remember u do if u dont want to cut put the blade down and pick up a book or something u r in control it may not seem like it sometimes but u r always in control!

So my daughters cat decided to scratch me on my left wrist which is the main place i use to cut myself... its been triggering a physical itch to cut myself. I wont do it while im pregnant so theres no issue as of right now, but its kinda freaky to have this feeling.. :/

Just keep strong i mean this whole no cutting while pregnant is really good and when u have your new baby u proply shouldnt cut either therefore cutting stops completly sounds good yup

I'm in so much flipping pain with my feet and knee that I'm seriously contemplating cutting, just to take the pain away, pain killers are doing nothing for me and I'm phycially crying because of the pain, I know cutting will take the pain away, it has in the past but I don't want to feel that horrible feeling afterwards. At the moment I'm trying hard to concentrate on anything else, if I concentrate a lot I can make it all disapear.

Oh my gosh what did u do

The muscle between the heal bone and skin has wore thin, that's why I have sore feet. The pain in my knee is new but my doc thinks I have early arthriti-runs in the family.

I didn't cut last night, but I'm still in pain.

Ow :( hope it gets better just stay strong and dont cut it will get better

Might relapse later....

Umm I don't know what to do. Lately I been having and urge to cut myself to release all the pain n anger and loneliness and stress. But I never done it before but lately I feel it might help but I am so scared to do it bcuz I know it can be very difficult to stop.: and I just don't know what to do. Feeling hopeless and confussed

UGH I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF ALL THIS BS I CAN TAKE I MAY JUST RELAPSE LATER WITH NO ONE TO STOP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's bad again. The depression, the cutting, the anger...

I'm giving into my depression again. I can't find anything in my life to be happy or greatful for. :'(

Same here i just i dunno if this is me anymore haha funny thing is i wrote a sucide note out but i no only one person would truly understand he wouldnt hear it
ok these r my reasons for feeling this way
1 i just started back at school and it hit me how different i am to everybody and how in so weird it all came rushing at me after lunch when i was walking with my boyfriend and i said something crazy and he said i can belive i go out with this...
2 my dream in life is so far out of reach i dont htink i will ever make it
3 ignored my boyfriend and enjoyed it i liked not having to look after someone ok i dont mean i have look after him just like if i wanna go anywhere i have to tell him first uther wise he get angry and sad
4 im living a lie

I feel like my world is crashing down. I haven cut in almost 2 years and the urge just keeps getting stronger.

my dad recently passed away the day after christmas and im planning a move al the way back to california where my dad used to live to go thru all his things. im afriad of what i might find. im afraid ill cry my eyes out. im afraid that if i do, my dad wouldnt like it.

its been a hard 2 years and i understand life isnt easy but i dont know how much pressure i can take before i blow.

Mariiia: please dont start!!!!! i know how you feel. i remember the first time i ever cut myself. It was with a simple household object, not a knife. at first is was no big thing. but it gradually gets "worse and worse" and then you start to rely on it when ur hurting, emotionally or in some cases physically. I wish to this day i had never started. EVER. some days i feel like the urge rules me. not lately, but thats because i have made the concious decision not to cut while im pregnant. i did this with my other childrens pregnancies too. successfully i might add. once you do it, its almost like theres no going back. your sucked into it.... and it makes it VERY hard to ever stop. Its been explained to me by proffessionals that its like a form of addiction, like drug or alcohol abuse. which makes sense in my mind. you get addicted to the feeling you get when you cut, and it seems like even just for a little while it helps you feel better. BUT IT REALLY DOESNT. it just postpones the pain and hurt and then the next time you do it you have to do it harder or more to get the same effect. it is something i would NOT wish upon anyone. it has totally affected my life and how i handle my emotions. if you are this hurt and depressed or however you would put it then SEEK HELP! join a depression support group, they have helped me!, or see a counselor or talk to your doctor about it. At the time you bring it up with someone they may not give you the answers you WANT to hear, or have the response you think you need.... but trust me if they are really a good doctor, support group, or counselor what they say and suggest will help you in the long run. and if you go to a counselor and dont feel like it helps try another! im on my third counselor and ive been dealing with this for ten years just about.
PLEASE DONT START CUTTING, it only puts a temporary bandaid on the problem and (in my case anyways) makes it worse and harder in the long run! my heart goes out to you.....

Savior:
i cant imagine how much pain you are going thru from the loss of your dad... i know i still hurt sooo much from losing my grandfather and that was about 4 years ago before my second daughter was born. so i would imagine youre hurting even more than i do for him. i know its hard not to cut when you hurt more than ANY words can express. ive had so much happen to me the last year i thank GOD i have not cut for almost a year. so my hat goes off to you that youve gone two years!!!!
i know its so hard to not cut, i have a feeling the urge never goes away once you start. which totally sucks! i dont know your father but i think that any good loving father would never want his daughter to do that to herself. girls are somethin special to daddies. daddy's little princess and all.
is there anyone really close to you that you can bring with you that you can cry on their shoulder, or talk to? or anyone you can call whenever you get the urge to cut because of the pain and hurt?
when i cut its because i cant handle the pain, i dont know how to anymore. and now i have to retrain my heart and brain everyday to learn how to get through pain and hurt and my emotions. i would say just try to remind yourself that yes it hurts, yes its hard but you CAN do it. it may seem like you cant and you just have to or need to cut to get through the pain. but you do have it in you somewhere to handle it and get thru it, without cutting! everyone does, we just have to retrain our brains to do it!

Here's something for everyone with mental health illness..

I stayed at my sisters house on Friday night - like i do most Fridays, great night ect. But the next morning i found her to be very irratible with me for no apparant reason. We chatted but anything i brought up felt more of a discussion or an argument not an actual conversation, for some reason we got on about talking about depression..think it had something to do with a cinversation we had about sleep and it went from there..

anyway, she went on to say that all depressed people are pathetic. They are making themselves depressed, that its all in there head and they should just move on from whatever it is that they are feeling depressed about. When she brought it up - i admit i got very deffensive because it kind of felt like she was attacking me in someway. I went on to inform her that not everyone has the sunshinning from there backsides 24/7 even after a tramatic event - and that if someone was acting all sun shinny then they probably didnt deal with everything appropriatly and will eventually crash, that some people with depression need the help from professionals, and right there - thats when she started blurtng out crap about all medications that doctors ect prescribe are just placebos and that when the person taking them finds out that thats when they say they dont work. I argued back that what if a depressed person got put on different medications over a period of time and stated from teh get go that the perscription wasnt working - (so in effect couldnt feel any benefits from a possible placebo). From then on we pretty much argued at her front door, all the way down the street to our parents home. Once we got there i just shut up. Have been silent since and havent spoke much to her or to anybody since.

She still went on of course to say that there is always someone on the planet that is worse off than you. That there are people at war and people getting murdered ect..which made me feel bad - i wont lie and say i felt terrible because i didnt, i felt bad because i can understand that everyone is different, everyone deals with crap in there own way and yes there are people out there that have a much worse life than me, but we wernt talking about me and thats when i started rethinking things in my head, over and over - just trying to make sence of some things.

Now i understand that she is the type of person who if something happens in her life she does just want to move on from it as quickly as possible. But she is so closed minded to not even be able to think let alone understand that there are people out there who need that little extra time to move on from things, that do messed up stuff to deal with whats going on and people who DO need help - medical help which has and im sure always will be proven to help!

Now before anyone thinks im being a selfish whatever - or that she is being a selfish whatever id like you all to know theese things about us.

Ive been dealing with depression for 14years, ive had medication after medication and found nothing that works past 6months. Ive seen 4shrinks and the health team at the hospital. Ive been an on/off self harmer for 7years and sometimes i hurt inside for no reason and i close myself off - so that i dont affect the happy people. I was abused when i was 8 and nobody apart from my close friend knows it (IRL). I was bullied when i was in school. I have OCD. Everybody i know in one way or another has told me i cant do this or i cant do that and i do it just to prove them wrong!

She was in a car accident when she was 19. She has taken it uppon herself to play the 2nd mother to the family and pushes things in everybodys face because she has to be right, she has to be the one to provide. She never lets anybody see her cry. 2years ago it all came out that she was abused when she was a child. She is a very strong and stubborn woman who has problems making and keeping relationships other than her family ones. She doesnt like to socialize or go out drinking/dancing. She has OCD.

Now could the conversation/argument/whatever it was this morning possible be about her and soms issues that she could have quite possibly burried deep down inside finally be letting loose or am i paranoid or was it just one of them days where we both got under each others skin. Of course it didnt help that my mother had a wierd dream and told my sister about it against my wishes becasue although she is my big sister i do baby her, i dread the thought of her being in unecessary pain. It doesnt take a genius to work out what my mothers subconcious was telling her in her dream. My sister knows i study mind and emotional matters and knows that what she said today would have hurt me, and she said it anyway.

Now im not sure how to talk to her. Because although we have simalarities within life we are so very different which was made crysal clear today.
I have not self harmed since Febuary and at present i dont feel any urges but if this battle of emotional and mental surfaces again im not sure id be strong enough to simply say your wrong and walk away or thats your view i respect it..respect mine.

I just dont know what to do with her, what to say to her. I deffinatly dont think she has dealt with everything properly and she refuses to get help of any kind. She thinks she can just sit pretty in her house, and keep doing it up and OCD her cupbored to hell and that that will somehow make everything alright. If she has that kind of order in her life - she doesnt need anything else.

~~~~~~~~~>I do realise that it was pretty much a vent of what was left over from today but i didn need to let go of it, put it out there ect because atm i have nobody else to say it to.

Ahhh had to relapse i feel so sad like today iwas like really sad and ust in need of a hug but ehhh and i just need to vent but cant dont no what to do feel like moving starting again kinda feel like dieing but i no im to chicken to do it but i just wanna move back to were i belong england were nobody will repeat my words and laugh and say haha sorry you just said it so funny so english na shit i am english im sick of people judging me i hate how the teachers look at me cos they all no and they look at me like poor slut i ahte its just not rigth i cant go to conciling cos my parents dnt no and ehhhhh wat shoudl i do i just feel like crying and to make matters worse when ever i run my knees just oww and if i run to much i cant breathe and it hurst and then i cry and i feel stupid and grr and i play soccer twice a week and it hurts :(... ok i guess that could be a vent

Missy:
im sorry you relapsed... you should atleast pose counseling to your parents.... tell them youre having a rough time and that you feel it would help you through it. i highly suggest telling your parents, but i know that can be super tough and hard to do... i never did to my parents til recently, and even then it was only my mom... my dad has no idea i dont think. if youre parents arent for counseling or they give you a hard time go to your school counselor, i think most schools have atleast one. I did that instead cuz my parents didnt think i needed counseling. your school counselor may act in the place of one that youd get outside of school or maybe they can help you in getting one outside of school. counseling has helped me. ive been a cutter on and off for about ten years now. and if the first counselor you see doesnt seem to be what you need try them out for a bit and if it still doesnt work see another. its like friends in a way... you dont hit it off with everyone so you have to "look around" until you find one that you click with.

Thats the problem i cant i just cant i think it migth also be because i dont want to expect that i cut i just...i....

Relapsed several times again already, nothing seems to get any better anyway I think i just need to accept how it is and let it be. Trying to find any solutions just causes more and more pressure in my head and just making me angry.
Just all that stupid stuff i think about all day driving me crazy only, just all so confusing.

Just needed to write it off me somewhere ^^

Better? I guess i am....i still cut, just not as much....idk.

I can't get as deep as I want too, I really want some advice or something. anything really. please ?

What do you mean deep? ahh just when i thought i was getting better i feel worse i cant stop crying even at school i just i need to do something soon i cant do this anymore

I finally relapsed last night i couldnt help it. i gave myself four cuts they werent deep they barely left a scratch but i relapsed i'm freaking out right now

Georgia.. Advice: try not to do it at all trust me isnt worth it.

Im still doing it just more often ..seems like im stuck somewhere and i cant get out, everything is just driving me crazy..

I cant get to the right place, there's never enough pain or blood. I can't get right to or through my veins.
I'm so messed up.

^ Maybe there is something/someone out there trying to tell you that there is more to life than just pain. Maybe they are not letting you get the satisfaction for a reason...

I have officially relapsed with my cutting. looks like 6 months of my life without cutting is now wasted