Nor & Mel's Poetic Challenge

22 hours :D

If anyone is up to doing some reviewing PLEASE do pm me. We have as much as five comments or more on poems sent early and little as 2 or 3 on those sent later, so I'm trying to balance things a bit. Can't do it without your help, guys. Thanks :)

Nor, you look beautiful in the new pic.

Lol I love the countdown. Send me more poems to review, I can't promise I'll get to them.. will do my best.

20 hours =D

Peer pressure much? lol

Thanks, Jane. :) and I'll be sending some your way!

16 hours, People!

14 hours!

11!

6 hours!

How many, so far?

15 poems so far!

3 hours left everyone!

Flirts with nor*

:P
:P
:P

Yo2boshni nana
yo2bosh :P

Hahahhaha 7ayete enta LOL
<3
^
Mods, translation : no words found, slang*..we are flirting still anyway :P

2 hours left!

and thanks Nana *winks*

Welp if there's no direct translation, you better take it out. It's a clear cut rule, guys.

15. All posts must be in English or with a direct translation attached.

Fair enough.

1 hour and 20 mins left!

Haha ok.. JANEYY edited

That's a pretty good turnout!

Yes, it is :)

16 poems.

50 minutes left!

Anticipation kills! And nor xD I feel like I'm going to look at your brain or so through your nosetrils.. XD! Lmao.... The picture is beautiful though!

29 minutes!

I guess everything is possible, Yaki :D thank you!

15 minutes!

First Round closed! Poems will be posted shortly.

I just want to say that I am impressed with the turnout we had in the first round. 17 poems in all. Thank you too all who got your poems to Nor, it has been a pleasure reading them. Keep your eyes peeled within this thread, judging will take place over a 2 day period.

-----------------

1) Persephone

Innocence abducted
while plucking a narcissus,
to the darkness of the Underworld
due to beauty and grace,
she brings a sense of radiating light
in a realm of the sleeping dead.

A Queen
grew to love the goddess-napper
but longed for a sense
of her reality on Earth,
torn between motherly love
and a ruling passion.

Securing fate
by gnawing on seven seeds
of pomegranate offering,
compromise plays a role
in the rebirth of our spring,
awakening from a barren drought
brought by a grieving creator.

****Attachment:
Http://www.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/greek_goddess_persephone.htm )

---

2) Not Just a Rock

They say the good die young
That's my word son
I see them fall one by one
But never turn and run

They aren't scared to prance
On these soldiers if you let them
Trust, heaven or hell is the faith
That awaits

With some boldest rocks
That is my legacy
Martyr blood
Forms the core of my memories

Urging me
Emergency, pick me up
And aim, load your sling
Take a swing from my dome, your home

That's my policy
Sworn to protect my own
And it's a fallacy to think I'm just rock and stone

I'm a grave stone
I'm the flesh and bone
I'm the toil in the soil
I'm the turf from the loan
I'm home grown and well known
To be thrown
And hit a dome storm
An air born, a reform
"it's a bird, it's a plane"
You're wrong
It's a black stone
And it's rock hard
Been thrown from crushed homes
Where the young roam
Where they are grown to be shown

Spend a second in a sniper zone
And you be gone

Can't delay fate
As his little tiny feet made their way
To my spot, in a haste picked me up
I saw fear in the face of this cub

Must have weighed twenty five kg's
Barely eight years old
Little pop didn't care about a rock

It's a cold harsh world
He precedes full of guts
Full of pain, had enough of this life
Full of strife

With a stare
Cold as ice
Little bear realize
Had to do what he must to survive
Through these times

When you're stuck between
A rock and a hard peasant life
Had me locked in his grasp
I felt the pain in his claws,
Bearly fit in his grip

I thought the strain in this child
All he wants is to live
As he points his fingertips
Like a pump from the heart
To the arms of this kid
Let it rip
But before I was launched
He was hit, now he lays in a ditch
With a smile in his face
And a rock by his fist

What a brave kid
For you there Is a reward
God knows what you did

May your soul find its home
In the hearts of green birds
It won't hurt not a bit, No

And give regards to Salah,
Tell my friend that he's missed bro

But wait,
What is this?
Once again it's on
A bigger hand
Tougher grip
Looking up, standing firm
And the war of a storm
Takbeer, and I'm gone
God's praised
Air born
As I horn on a drone.

---

3) Even ugly can make beauty

Once upon an eon
a seed was planted
surrounded by horse dung
and drunken lillies
the seed became a plant
with an ugly disposition
wicked stems, horrendous buds
even the bees refused to pollinate

The plant bloomed year after year
spewing forth its ugly venom
until one day a butterfly visited
while there she removed a seed
and planted it in the same ground
not too far away
this seed also became a plant
but far more beautiful than its surroundings

So beautiful in fact
it made everything else change
what was once a dreary patch of ugliness
is now a magnificent garden in full bloom
I guess it's true what they say
the prettiest roses grow in shit......

It's not where you come from or what you've been through in life that really matters, it's what you do with it that counts.

----

4) If you had never forgiven me

If you had never forgiven me,
perhaps I would have
accepted that fate
unlike happiness,
does exist.

I would have
wept by day,
and curse
at night..-
-
vomiting all the pain
of losing you
through my eyes...

If only,
I hadn't proven
to you,
that I was worthy
of forgiveness

(that I too,
deserved a second chance)

I would've
most definitely
leave it in the
past

and never have
my feelings conflate
this way.

If you had never
forgiven me,
perhaps these
thoughts
that come to me
like ripples,

(each time I think of you)

perhaps I'd
know of sleep..
and not of labyrinthine
when the sun leaves
the sky-

if only you would
have murmured
a simple
'no'
in my ears..

I would have,
forgotten you by now.

----

5) Survival of the Vagrant Heart

At first,
My heart was a rambling contradiction,
accepting the empty household
with nervous discourses of courage.
When all I felt was hopeless,
that they chose to abandon my love.

Then,
Night started rousing the fear of dark
and I could only be drugged by breath,
not wanting to be handled in sleep's capacity.
When all I felt was counterfeit,
for believing I could live in freedom.

At last,
Day showered me with winds of dance
and I no longer found space to be afraid.
Holding my heart above my head,
I wanted to shepherd a part of the world.
When all I felt was ashamed,
for realizing the child in me still stands.

----

6)Last Wish

In truth, today is the only time left
for me to write you again,
or to show regret.
Though the hassle I feel reminds
me of an old us, I have no idea
what to do anymore except
...to start picking old leaves
off my paper, and criticize this white
space with direct expressions,
and less misleading metaphors.
Straight to the heart.

But allow me to be a romantic essence for
just a solo moment, to prove how your breaths
upon my ears typically
grew with gentleness as the little
blue buds of Spring. When I be
fearful of your caring songs that
reunion with the hastiest beat
fleeing with your heart.

To recall the sweet youthfulness that
you carry still with your looks,
though when next to me I remember
being unaware of the motion around,
as you'd be the center of being itself.
Even when I didn't realize so!

Yet for a day like this, when I discover
no clues to offer, nor claims to craft
I amble by charming recollections,
although they are all pale now.
For my world was a gentleman
in velvet, a world as warm as your
eyes color of red wine.

Trust me I do not pursue to
make you a part of such
passion that now defines each
tread I seize, nor I map to make
you see the one I have turned
to be, for you have always been
everything I am
even when I didn't know it.

Just, try to forget me not!

----

7) The Glass Ocean

I'm reminded of your smile
when the sky is lit up like
the Fourth, fireworks exploding
sparks painting the blackness

of night in assorted colors.
I'm reminded of your hair
because the descending
streaks of burning light

are strings of confetti
raining down over me
the way each strand
of your hair trailed

on the wind in your wake.
I'm reminded of pale
skin curtaining your eyes,
half moons eclipsing

visions of yesterday
when we watched boats
sailing in the harbor
ducks diving under

the waves as they traveled
in to shore.
I'm reminded of your small
feet digging into

the sand, leaving signatures
for the sea to wash away.
The tide came in
gnawing at our ankles

like a hungry wolf and swallowed
you whole, leaving me
with fading footprints and memories

----

8) I am

Tuesday's child born on an August morning.
Of Gillman and Poole, part him, part her,
blended with strong features,
stubborness, insecurity and worries.
Always trying to disguise the heart
I wear on my sleeve.

On the cusp, off the cuff,
somewhere between Venus and Mars,
Grounded, yet spontaneous.
The scottie hoping to pass Boardwalk,
which someone else always owns.

Mona Lisa,
mysterious, unique, charming
and sometimes smiling.
Forever in search of
my freckles heredity.

Cherokee and Creek
shamrocks and potato farmers.
Born of the earth and fire
left to mingle with the dust
of my forefathers.

---

9) Rhinestone

when time lashed your eyelids with
acrid moments of loneliness and
heartbreak, I was there to lull
the nights around you, protecting
your fingers from the cold harshness
of forgetting.

And I raked my pride the way you
wished me to, floundering around
like a thirsty secret along shores
of the unknown. I was too intoxicated
to smell your danger.
Or perhaps gaunt enough
to tarnish my dawns
with regret.

I denied time
God agreed nonchalantly,
as seconds swirled in
chaos around our first
kiss.
(that I wish
I could miss)

I loved you,
whenever blizzards gave me the
chance to sense.
And I loved you,
just as a botched cloud cringes to the
enchanting tunes of hissing rain.
I loved you,
for I needed to replace myself with
something deeper and less faraway,
but found out that I was just
leaning my rustles over the dying
candle of my life.

---

10) Icicle

In the starkly lit corner,
clouded against our better judgment,
I first saw my life without you - it was
candidly foreboding.
Last kisses framed around your sullen brow,
each one leaving a half-hazard trace.

In those moments of vivid knowing,
nearing the brink of eclipse,

There is where you were hiding, writhing,
heaven knows against what force -
enemies? Well, let's say you had a few.

Ghosts at the time, they were.
All shadows of their former selves, such
rivalries you possessed;
Devils risen to avenge their stolen treasure.
Even I fell victim once or twice to that vanity, but
never for long enough.

---

11)Granite

Once before rocks
Were tumbling off of that mountain
Range over there I
Took a walk with her she
In all her magnificent beauty
Shone brighter than any other star
Even time itself stops to admire

Years later still and
Our footprints look like dagger marks
Spread out across the range
They fill with water when it rains
Winking with every ripple
Laughing seemingly
Playful in their ways sporadic

Boulders tumble crash
Break here and there as
Though they are carefree
My God always
I can still see her shining over there
The mountain itself seems dire
Spitefully though it tries to keep intact

----

12)Dissolve

You fall on me like a torrent
amidst the worst drought
in memory - terrible, eroding
my strength of solitude.

Melted away are my protests
and nowhere can be found
the firm resolve never to let
anyone onto this isle solitaire.

Eons of sediment lost for good,
valuable soil to bury my hopes
washed away in the swirling
stream of you - now dissolved.

Exposed to the vagaries
of love and wind and rain
seeds of despair once nourished
turn into roots to bind our lives.

----

13) Summertime on Bearskin Neck

Fingers twist bleaching hair,
sun-chapped lips in disrepair,
bronzed bodies in the balmy air.
Dragonflies sizzle under electric moons,
rain drizzling, grass fizzling and a wheezing
growling harrumph:
a wounded windy tune
strumming, humming. Bumming
fresh cigarettes off summer Cinderellas,
new to the season,
up from San Diego, Utah, or France,
for "no reason,
but I love the weather, and I'm looking for romance."
Whizzing and wondering at hum-drum parties,
"maybe they're naughty," (she's haughty)
"but if I can catch one more Summer fling..."
There's sneezing, or itching, and endless heat bitching,
but hand me an ipod, let's dance to the heatwave,
the heart rave, the madness,
with a dizzying gladness
at our sandy striped, dandy, and
summery enclave.

----

14) Achilles' Heel"

Like a myth of history that would become real
Achilles found it most difficult to crawl
A tendon attaching the calf to the heel

Running wild and free may make a warrior feel
As if the weapons of wars won't make him fall
Like a myth of history that would become real

The thunder of Zeus was always there to steal
Destiny, a journey effecting us all
A tendon attaching the calf to the heel

The beauty of Helen caused many to knell
A Trojan horse did breach a secure wall
Like a myth of history that would become real

Constellations, turn timeless wandering wheel
Where Achilles shield forever stands tall
A tendon attaching the calf to the heel

A calf is a muscle, a god is surreal
A legend at large in the land of the small
Like a myth of history that would become real
A tendon attaching the calf to the heel

----

15) Muddled

She is that of
wadded necklaces
cinched with
confusion,

for flowers wedged
in her mind yearn to blossom
yet she falls -
a moth, light-headed,
unable to unravel
scents of romance
and tragedy -

she's a clustered mess
in 'midst of night.

----

16) Fire in the Darkest Season

Curling ashes as soft
as feathers, aloft are
sent, waft hither, fro,
ghosts that go and
light aglow the trees
that branch, freeze, glisten
over seas of flushing snow.

Burmese Climbing Poetry is a form comprised of a series of internal rhymes. Each line has four words, the 4th of which sets the first rhyme. That rhyme is repeated in the 3rd word of the second line, and the 2nd of the 3rd. The 4th word in the 3rd line sets the new rhyme, to continue the 4, 3, 2 pattern.

Line 1: a b c D
Line 2: e f D h
Line 3: i D j K
Line 4: l m K n
Line 5: o K p Q
etc.

A verse often ends with a higher number of words.

---

17) Don't Speak

Listen
I heard
you
the sound
the roar
of the birds
of the car
of the thunder

Listen
I heard
you
your cries
your pleas
-help me, help me
-i'm finally free

Listen
to me
my silence
my secrets
screaming to be heard
waiting
for you to

Listen to
that child over there
the teacher
speaking
speaking

I'd like to thank everyone that has participated as well, especially those who didn't join the contest but did a HUGE amount of reviewing. Some here, who'd prefer not be named or are indeed named, did almost every single poem, others did as much as 6 or 8 poems and even the busiest of ones also did a few.

The section I'll be posting in a few minutes (in two back to back posts) wouldn't have been there if not for all of you. So thank you.

I'd also like to thank all those who reviews the poems, the amount of feedback we received from people was amazing, it was lovely to see so many people support fellow writers. So thank you for taking the time and effort.

***First 10 poems will be posted in this post. The remaining 7 ones will be posted in a post underneath. Enjoy reading everyone!

1) Persephone

''The opening was strong, the depth of ''Innocence abducted'' struck me and gave that sense of fear, and I thought this piece echoed of eerie dreams that were somehow twisted in this dark land. ''but longed for a sense"- doesn't seem to fit, maybe ''longing"? I was unsure of that line but the mention of reality on Earth- wanting to experience passion in both ways, she can't step down her rule but as a mother, what will she do? I love the mention of the birth of spring and how this unknown creator weeps. There is a hunger after reading this....the author creatively wove and brought Zeus's daughter to life. Queen of the underworld and welding greater promise....this piece leaves the reader a bit in mystery. Melancholy, tragic, yet vivid.''

''The story of Persephone is a favourite, what I liked about this was that the writer didn't just incorporate fact after fact, she told it in her own way, truthful and yet differently to how you would read it usually. Personal opinion was incorporated which added her own lovely touches. I liked the metaphor in the last stanza that speaks of how compromise plays a role in spring, those who don't know the tale behind Persephone perhaps wouldn't understand this, but the metaphor here was lovely. I can tell the poet has done her research in this piece and it is definitely evident. The only constructive criticism I have to offer is within the third stanza, the transition between the second and third line seemed not to flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. Also I am used to emotion being evident within this poet's poetry, so I would have liked to see emotion, such as how Persephone was feeling towards Hades and so on I am well aware that the poet isn't Persephone but I would have liked her to place herself within her shoes so to say. Didn't feel the link was needed at the end of the poem, but I already know the myth so that's probably why! And I am sure it was helpful to many.'' -Melpomene

''While the writer spoke of Persephone in great detail, I felt like it held little mystery that way. I was kind of hoping for a little mystery, where I would have had to dig deeper to discover who they were speaking of. Perhaps, it may have made the poem much more interesting for me that way. Also, the attachment of the link is not needed, you have already expressed this goddess in much depth. This poem feels quite forced to me, it seems like lines may have just been taken from the link and put in poetic form. Unfortunately, I feel the writer has much more potential to make this poem stand out. I felt as though something original was missing.''

''The attachment left, made me as a reader a huge part of this poem! The connection between the concepts of this poem and the information given is absolutely core related, and though I was lost a little bit regarding what was this about [when I first read it], but then I was deeply impressed after taking into consideration all the tokens left for us by the writer, especially the part about the pomegranate, and being a goddess napper!!
Well done, I really think this was well worded, with the perfect word choice! The structure was strong, for poem springing from such a mythology.'' -Sunshine

''Love the topic. Anything about muses would normally throw me into thinking the poet is our Melpomene, but this author's style reminds me more strongly of Britt.
"Innocence abducted while plucking a narcissus" - the use of 'abducted' doesn't mesh well with muse mythology. Most people associate abductions with futuristic fantasy, I would assume, so the word could have been better chosen. Also, "due to beauty and grace" - 'due to' is weak, try 'a victim of' or something more interesting and definitive.
Persephone bringing a sense of radiating light to the sleeping dead is quite an image. Love it, I can almost feel the warmth of her ethereal being illuminating the cold, dark inhabitance.
The second stanza, I would opt for 'longing' instead of 'longed,' otherwise the tenses might throw some readers off. "A ruling passion" is beautifully penned. How poetic.
Wouldn't change a thing about the last stanza! I'm impressed with the poem overall. I was able to get a good idea of Persephone's story and her role in Greek mythology without needing to read pages of information. Props.'' -Silvershoes

''Innocence abducted
<good opening>

while plucking a narcissus,
to the darkness of the Underworld
due to beauty and grace,
she brings a sense of radiating light
in a realm of the sleeping dead.
<but the rest of the stanza is too dry, almost like a documentary>

A Queen
grew to love the goddess-napper
<"goddess-napper" lowers the poem to the level of a joke>

but longed for a sense
of her reality on Earth,
<great: signifies that reality is only associated with the earthly existence>

torn between motherly love
and a ruling passion.
<again, emotions arise strong with this all too human conflict>

Securing fate
by gnawing on seven seeds
of pomegranate offering,
<but this fantastic deceit by Hades deserves more emotional impact>

compromise plays a role
in the rebirth of our spring,
awakening from a barren drought
brought by a grieving creator.
<Demeter's abandonment of the earth during winter - not well described and no emotional impact>

(attachment: Http://www.goddessgift.com/goddess-myths/greek_goddess_persephone.htm )
<several much better descriptions could have been linked, such as:
(http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Persephone.html),
(http://www.pantheon.org/articles/p/persephone.html),
or even (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persephone)> '' -Larry Chamberlin

''This piece was interesting for sure. It's quite admirable how the author did put the whole story/myth into a few words. Still I thought perhaps the piece needed a bit more editing, it stopped flowing at the weirdest of places which made me think it would be better if she removed that word, or added this or changed that. I'm quite sure with a few editing here and there this piece would be amazing. Loved it nonetheless. '' -The Princess

============================

2) Not Just a Rock

''I thought the flow was a bit rocky....there was not a strong beginning foundation, and I am not sure all of the terms really were understand by the reader. However I did like the abstract thought: there is a great defender that stands in this piece- pride rushes in. It was clever to with the ''I'm'', comparing yourself to the real flesh and bone of battle, more than what they say. I do feel like this piece was misguided towards the end, it became a bit chaotic with misplaced words....pictures came in too fast, and I felt the rhyming was forced and misshapen. There was the whole encounter with this child- the mention of the bravery, the guts and strife. My suggestion would be to go over and work out the lines so they flow better in the same tense and give the reader a bit more understanding as to who you are mentioning. The ending gave me a sense of power- as if a war is being called again, another bigger challenge brought on by the storm. Interesting thoughts.''

''I love this poem when it comes to the chills it gave me while reading, I love It for the
Tone of some of its expressions.. Some verses had lines way deeper than the other.
While some left an impact without the need of even going deep!
I had a problem with the structure a bit, but I have to be honest that the depth
Of the piece made me overlook this point!
As for my best part, it definitely got to be this :

I'm a grave stone
I'm the flesh and bone
I'm the toil in the soil
I'm the turf from the loan
I'm home grown and well known
To be thrown
^
It had a complex of emotions, some that contradicted itself, which was supposed to
be out of place, but in fact it served your piece well! The only think I'd suggest is to eliminate some parts that were jumbled! Good luck..'' -Sunshine

''This poem was a bit all over the place. The structure made no sense as it was at first a certain structure and then it started looking like a rap battle. I was a bit confused. Had I come across this poem on my own, I probably wouldn't have read it due to structure alone - it's not visually appealing at all. The rhyme scheme was a bit confusing as well. The message made a point and was strong, but it was taken away a bit by the rest.''

''This poem had good flow throughout, though a tad cliche, when using well known cliche' they should be in quotation marks, the length of the poem became tedious and yet still had me awaiting the big bang, unfortunately I was disappointed. I think the Author has quite a gift for rhyme.'' -Bob Shank

''In stanza 13 "Bearly" should be "barely," I didn't like the rhyme and flow of this piece, it was a little all over the place and harder to comprehend. The beginning was more interesting however as I read further along I began to not want to read anymore and that was due to the length, it was too much and I didn't feel everything said was necessary. In my opinion I believe you could have had a strong impact if you remove some of the unnecessary. Once it got to the 6th stanza it began to sound more like a rap than anything, the pace changed and I assumed this was done to try and create an impact in certain sections, as though it was leading up to something and becoming more fast paced so I will say good job for trying something a little different. The concept was the best part of the poem, but as I said if you made it shorter it would have had much more of an impact. The 8th stanza became a little more slang and that is why I mentioned it seemed more like a rap. To me this should of either been written with the punctuation, grammar and with the elements of poetry, OR more as a rap (this was somewhere in between the two.) The most enjoyable part of this piece was the reference to the child, I liked the metaphor of a cub to represent this image, and that is the place that seemed to spark emotion.'' -Melpomene

''Being pretty much from the midddle east I can comprehend what the author is trying to portray here (or so I think). I bet it's interesting to write from a rock's point of view. A rock that has not only watched what's happening keenly, felt and analysed it but also participated to a point in what's happening. However, I found myself disagreeing throughout the poem with most of what the writer is saying, it was like the author was forcing her/his opinion down my throat. There wasn't room for the reader to think or feel on their own. Also the structure/format of the poem, the word choice and the length were a problem. I had to struggle with myself to continue reading and still I skipped most of it. I would encourage this writer to organize her/his thoughts more in order to not lose the reader in the future. I believe the author took a very promising idea and just couldn't deliver it the right way.'' -The Princess

============================

3) Even ugly can make beauty

''Very free to read, it was easy and I thought it flowed well with the absence of pauses and breaks... it read naturally. The images are captivating.....''drunken lillies'' (correct spelling) gives me a strong feel of wasted beauty, long ago cast out. ''ugly disposition'' I thought could have been worded differently, if you are talking about this person's personality, what makes them agreeable/ angry? The mention of bees was clever- it gave that atmosphere of a waste land.....once cultivated but now forsaken. Use another word perhaps instead of ''ugly''- it is already mentioned in the title and doesn't give much to descriptions. Not quite clear on the poem. Why was a second seed planted? What type of plant? Second stanza broke the flow a bit, it seems to repeat and not present unique turnaround. I do admire the message in this piece- said in the conclusion- I love how you presented this idea, it is something that is too often forgotten, and you make a clear adamant case. We need to be accepting and understand that all voices and all people count. especially by what they do. My after thoughts were to work on the structure and impact of the poem, images were there but not in bright creativity. ''

''I have to start my comment by asking, why are you scared
Of punctuation ! :P :D.
However, that ain't a huge matter, for I was in love with
Your message, though it felt like a short story, since it
Didn't enclose what a poem usually does, but seriously
I doubt any deep metaphor can send the message that
You have by this piece. Very true, you played on the
Right ropes here, got to the readers! Though I disliked
The use of [shit] but oh well//Good luck!'' -Sunshine

''This poem gave me so many different emotions and senses (particularly a yuck factor thinking about horse poop!), parts of it made me laugh, others made me "aww", and the end really drove home an important message.''

''The message delivered in this poem is really clear and amazing, it was plotted like some kind of a fairy tale story, which gave it a nice sound of narration when its read. And it it is true that not everything that looks ugly should produce something ugly as well..''

''"Lillies" should be "lilies." I found this poem in the first stanza was an interesting way for one to describe oneself... This poem was about life before something magical; in this case I am knowledgeable of what the writer is speaking of. I liked the use of the past, present and future. I was fond of the symbolism, the use of 'Lilies' in the first stanza to me was a representation of innocence and therefore a child like nature, the lilies also symbolize motherhood and transition which worked well with portraying the writers childhood and then his transformation from childlike innocence into a plant with 'wicked stems.' I wondered why the writer uses 'plant' instead of a 'flower' perhaps a flower was too beautiful to be in any relation to 'horrendous buds.' 'Wicked stems' to me seemed to be a metaphor for a past, as the past stems off someone. The second stanza was beautiful in representing birth and the only thing I was surprised about in this poem was the last line. It was blunt in comparison to the rest of the poem and I wasn't so sure on the transition. I felt the entire piece was far too elegant to have the last word in it. However it does work well with the overall concept, just not my personal taste.''-Melpomene

''This certainly read more of a story to me than a poem, so I'll treat it as such. I was reading and thinking, if not for the line breaks, it would have been a story. Quite a wise one at that too. It make me ponder on what is it that makes a person good or bad if both have been raised and brought up through the same almost everything. I thought the end was quite fairytale-ish but that's me. I smilied thinking how little good one does might change a place into something somehow brighter and how it can make a difference.'' -The Princess

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4) If you had never forgiven me

''I love how I get to see your character in the beginning of this piece. That you are feeling fate is existing, placing you somewhere different than reality thought. ''curse'' should be ''cursed'' in the correct context. The third stanza brought some loud images that showed you wouldn't just lose him physically, but in your soul, in every part of you, how you see him. Beautifully spoken in the next few lines, you show courage and make a stand- even in our worst moments, we still are capable of being forgiven. I like how you use ''conflate''- I did have to look up the word but it means fusing together...as if a chaotic mess. I adore the ending lines, how you emphasize it wouldn't be the end if he left. I thought that was really unique about your character- that if he had simply ended your relationship- you would move on, forgetting. Some deep, reflective thought here I did enjoy. My only thoughts were that sometimes the comma usage was a bit off or perplexing, I think you could have done better with line breaks.''

''A very sad piece, yes a very sad one, with a story behind
That I believe many, many people will and can relate to!
The verb tenses are jumbled, and there is something
That's missing here [ If you had never
forgiven me,
perhaps these
thoughts
that come to me
like ripples]
^
Right?
Anyway, very wistful, but I think you've done a great job
With letting out your emotions, and had some beautiful
Poetic tints!
I like it! Great closing line.'' -Sunshine.

''This poem really got me emotionally, the sense of wanting to move on but the inability to because this person keeps creeping back into their life. Something you can definitely relate to. The punctuation was a bit weird especially in the beginning, but I'm not sure if that's due to the PM format or not.''

''Deep in its meaning, the structure of the poem is not that strong, but the picture it draws is really wonderful, since sometimes its harder to live with forgiveness than to live without it. Maybe the other person forgave you, but you never forgave yourself ..''

''I like the title and concept of the piece. The line breaks could be adjusted to make the meaning clearer, for instance, "Perhaps I would have/ accepted that fate/ unlike happiness/ does exist" had me confused, as my mind ended the sentence after "fate." Longer lines might make it more cohesive. There are a few typos, and the thought in the eighth stanza goes unfinished. The "vomiting through my eyes" imagery is strong, but leaves me a bit disgusted, and I'm not sure that if fits the sad mood of the piece. Overall, the poem sounds like it's in the works, but I'd say it needs more work and more imagery. I do love the ending though, so don't change that.''

''Simplistic enough, yet many of the stanza's seemed incomplete, like the Author was in a certain thought process and then in mid stream went somewhere else, there was a picture painted, but it seemed a bit abstract.'' -Bob Shank

''The author here chose one of the most common thoughts ever: ''what if'' and built on it, gradually, a scenario that wasn't there. I thought this really interesting, especially the authors approach that was slow and organized. This piece made me think of the old saying ''Careful what you wish for'' for, it seemed, at one time the author wanted nothing but for that person to forgive them but now they hoped they never had. It made me also curious to know more. I guess this is the kind of piece that would tug at anyone's heart with each single word and image. However, the stucture and grammar could be a lot better, they really take from the piece.'' -The Princess

''Curse should be 'cursed' in the second stanza and 'leave' should be 'left' in the 5th stanza. The emotion is strong within this poem; I always enjoy this writer's ability to provoke emotion in me. The simplicity of her wording is combined with the complexity of her emotions. It's not usual that people regret someone forgiving them and I found that to be interesting. I thought the tone was emotive itself, and while this was a sad piece it was also bitter, but thoughtful at the same time. I didn't feel these were necessary(-) in the second stanza, as you already had the (...) to create a pause. At first I wasn't sure on the use of 'vomiting' it seemed like a harsh word for such a softer piece, but it did work well with reinforcing the idea of discomfort due to the pain being caused by a certain someone. I did adore the tone of your poetry as usual; it was elegant, soft and sweet even for such a sad poem.''-Melpomene

''" If you had never forgiven me "seems to be a protest of feeling deserving of forgiveness and a second chance

"If you had never forgiven me,
perhaps I would have
accepted that fate
unlike happiness,
does exist."

The fate of never being forgiven by a fateful lover seems beyond my range of my understanding yet I know that a fate such as that exists in the darkness void of light

This poem is very dark to me, yet thought provoking.'' -Michael D Nalley

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5) Survival of the Vagrant Heart

''This is a deep one, but before I continue .do you mean hopelessness
Here instead of hopeless [When all I felt was hopeless,
that they chose to abandon my love...]

IF not, then sorry.
Back to the piece, it was deep, well structured
And well worded!
The concept portrays your title perfectly.
I love your opening, it was very interesting and got me interested!
Well done.'' -Sunshine

''What I liked most about this poem was the message I got from it.
I think there is an opposite side to the empty nest syndrome of parents. It is also the child starting anew in some capacity of the world, whether it is by choice or not. The child often feels a sense of being overwhelmed in their new surroundings and realizes they are still a child at heart, still afraid of something new, searching for the more comfortable surroundings and the realization that we all are children in some way.'' -Dixiedaisy

''I think the poem would have a bit more affect without the "At first", "then" and "at last" in the beginning of each stanza. The "meat' of the stanzas were strong and effective with their own transitions :] Great ending stanza, by the way.''

''I thought I understood this poem until I reached the last line. Nothing in the other lines gave me the impression of a child. This write conveys to me a sense of sadness and loneliness and toward the end a sense of hope which quickly turns to shame.''

''This verse had me quite intrigued because I wanted to know more. Why was their love abandoned? Why were they afraid of the dark?

I would also have liked another verse inserted between the second and third to build more on the fear of the long dreaded night ahead instead of very quickly skipping to the morning.

I did like the use of the word conterfeit, not a word you see very often in poetry.''

''I liked how the poem was staged from one level to the other, but the idea was not that clear, and the flow was a little bit weak ..''

''Truly a great rendition of self reflection, though I think the poem would have read far better without the lead in in each stanza......much enjoyed, short and precise.'' -Bob Shank

''This is a personal favorite of mine. Although I wasn't quite sure about having one word standing alone before each single stanza, I still enjoyed how the author took the reader step by step with them and potrayed exactly how he/she felt. It was like the poet was growing infront of our eyes as seasons, perhaps years even, passed. I could feel the author's hurt, disbelieve, dispair, anger, fear, determination, shock, impatiance and shame throughout the whole write as if it were me. It was like the author made me, as a reader, a part of the poem; dragged me in and put me in their place. Also, the structure, word choice and images were very fitting, which didn't break the spell of the poem and added to the write an air of uniqueness. well done.'' - The Princess

''I enjoyed the concept of this poem, the idea of growing up and thinking that you can be on your own and then once it comes you are brought back to childlike innocence and you begin to become afraid of all those little things you thought you were too old to fear, darkness, the sound of wind, falling asleep alone. The writer definitely put the audience in this position while reading and it takes you back to the time when you too were a child. In the second line of every stanza the first word was capitalized which wasn't needed and also in the last stanza, 5th line I felt it shouldn't be a full stop after world but rather a comma to help ease the flow. I personally felt like the last line wasn't necessary as I was able to grasp the concept of the poem and I also didn't feel the "introduction" lines of each stanza were necessary.'' -Melpomene

============================

6) Last Wish

''This was a strikingly sad poem, it has a few references that made me think it was a suicide letter to oneself. Unwritten yet revealing how things used to be in happier times of innocence. Indeed a very sad poem to write of ones suicide as though no one else would care.'' -Dixiedaisy

''This poem had a lot of strong visuals riddled throughout, as well as some great emotion. Very strong poem.''

''I believe the writer's message could have been presented in fewer words. The poem rambles on and that makes it seem the writer is trying to hard to convince the reader of their feelings.

In this line, I think the word be should be am:
When I be
fearful of your caring songs that
reunion with the hastiest beat
fleeing with your heart.''

''This started out great but I do confess I got a little bored towards the middle. Well actually, when it came to a 'solo moment' That just didn't sound poetic to me and I think this author perhaps got cold feet and tried a little too hard instead of following their natural instinct to write from the heart and not try to impress anyone for a contest.''

''The true warm feeling of love and sadness gave this poem a really nice flow, and the image of love it shows is EPIC !! Takes the reader to a warm, lovely, nice place .. Where you can only see the beauty of this poem in between its lines.''

''Loved the wording within this, the write itself was exceptional, the formatting was horrible sad to say, with this Author's talent and vocab, one would hope that he/she would seriously contemplate taking a writing course, it's a shame that something this exceptional was actually ruined by poor formatting.'' -Bob Shank

''I believe this poem still needs quite some work on it when it comes to the line breaks, grammar and words. (perhaps ''only'' should be ''last''?) Don't get me wrong I love the idea, images and metaphors. The emotions portrayed throughout the poem were also strong and touching. I just think with more time spent on it this piece would be quite something.'' -The Princess

''I didn't feel that 'breaths' was as effective as 'breath' would have been in the second stanza. Also in the second stanza I feel as though 'reunion' should be 'reunited' or something along them lines. I liked how this read as a journal entry, poetic yes but I liked the nature of the piece, it allowed the reader to connect with the poets words. The emotion was strong; perhaps what I liked about this piece the most, it was provoking. The flow was a little off in some sections, mainly in the second stanza. My thoughts would become lost, I believe it was the transition within the 5th line and the three lines after that weren't as comprehensible the first time reading it. After the next few times however I did come to an understanding. I feel it was just the format that wasn't as strong in this poem. I was intrigued by the eye colour of red wine; it isn't too often that you hear someone's eyes described as red, so I believe this was symbolic of love or lust? This poem had some really strong and interesting metaphors, and it was an enjoyable read.'' -Melpomene

''A delightful blend of direct expression written eloquently in a free flow poetic verse. Straight to the very heart of the issue of the subject.'' -Michael D Nalley

============================

7)The Glass Ocean

''Oh Dear writer a very catchy title,
This is the best and closest to my heart
Of all that I have read, the punctuation, the
Grammar, the structure and the imagination
Along with the depth here is breathtaking!
I am inspired.
Definitely a talented person, and I cannot wait to know
Your identity!'' -Sunshine

''First off, I am slightly confused by how the poem is broken up. It destroys the flow and takes away from the meaning of the poem. The poet could have been more metaphorical, that most likely would cut down on the use of the word 'of.' Overall I'm not a fan of this poem, it could use quite a bit of restructuring.''

''I spent more time trying to figure out how to read this poem than understanding the meaning behind it or being able to focus on the words. The structure seems odd, and I'm not sure it was a great idea. It was confusing and choppy. Line breaks and stanza breaks are very important and here they didn't seem to work that well.''

''I am reminded of a very painful breakup or death of someone who was loved dearly. The metaphor of hair to fireworks is amazing. Loved the ending as it held the most impact to sum up the feelings portrayed by the author. I was a little lost distinguishing between the broken stanzas and thoughts leading into the next, though I suppose it could very well describe the feeling we have when we are in grievance. Very nice read.'' -Dixiedaisy

''This would have been a good write but the line breaks, lack of punctuation and capitalization make it difficult to read. This is what I would have done with this write, just my opinion

I'm reminded of your smile
when the sky is lit up like
the Fourth, fireworks exploding,
sparks painting the blackness
of night in assorted colors.

I'm reminded of your hair,
because the descending
streaks of burning light
are strings of confetti
raining down over me
the way each strand
of your hair trailed
on the wind in your wake.

I'm reminded of pale
skin curtaining your eyes,
half moons eclipsing
visions of yesterday,
when we watched boats
sailing in the harbor,
ducks diving under
the waves as they traveled
in to shore.

I'm reminded of your small
feet digging into the sand,
leaving signatures
for the sea to wash away.

The tide came in
gnawing at our ankles
like a hungry wolf and swallowed
you whole, leaving me
with fading footprints and memories''

''Really loved the title of this one and, there was some beautiful images throught the verse. What put me off was the fragmented sentences, I thought it made the flow very choppy. I also think some more puntuation would have helped but, all in all it was an enjoyable read.''

''This poem is so sweet to the core, and so sad at the same time, but I think the poem was divided in a really weird way, I mean the verses should be divided in a different way to capture the flow of the poem ..''

''The description in this poem was obviously personal; I did like how you let the reader be there with you in the scenes you had painted. Some were intriguing, I liked the idea of the streaks of fireworks representing the hair, it was different to the usual objects fireworks are compared to. I didn't feel the repetition of 'I'm reminded' was necessary, the reader is able to gather that you are speaking of a certain someone of your past in a reminiscent nature after you wrote it the first time. I felt that the structure of the poem wasn't fitting to the poem, it seemed as though you were trying to have everything said in four lines to create a stanza. However, personally I think the flow would have been more effective if you had broken it apart differently. Take for example the third and fourth stanza, it would of made more sense if the third stanza was 5 lines (taking the first line of the 4th stanza and placing it as the 5th line in the 3rd stanza) due to the fact you started your 4th stanza with an idea that should of been continuous in the previous one. The ending with the wolf was an effective metaphor; I truly liked some of the imagery you portrayed here. It was just a shame about the structure.'' -Melpomene

''The first time I'd read this my eyes almost crossed over the way it was written with the spaces and all. I have to admit however that the second and third time read much smoother and it kind of grew on me as is. I could picture the writer walking barefoot on the beach while watching the fire works, looking at the ocean and just remembering. Beautiful.
Oh, and the last part really got me, first time I read someone relating the waves with wolves. Admirable.'' -The Princess

============================

8) I am

''A very smart description of your sense of self - had different areas of their life mentioned but not zoning in on anything specific. Great visuals and left me wanting to know who this was about!''

''This write gives me a feeling of a person very proud of their heritage. An image of a person standing tall, shouting these words to world came to me and drew me in. Words that say this is who I am and I am proud.

^stubborness, insecurity and worries. (I believe stubborness is spelled stubbornness)''

''1st stanza stubborness should be stubbornness
(there's a missing n)
2nd stanza scottie should be Scottie,
Not like it's a deal but just trying to be
A very annoying picky who cares about grammar.

As for the rest, then your poem reminded me of Ken D Williams, if you check this name on
www.poetbay.com, read his profile! This is very special and really interesting!
Some just someee words sounded out of place, as if to just keep the flow-
But it wasn't such a deal. I did honestly like this piece!'' -Sunshine

''What I like the most about this poem
Is how personal it was..
I got the vision of someone looking at themself in the mirror
wondering what it is they are..
The word choice was not complicated
Yet it was above simple..
a lovely write,with an easy going flow
and a curious ending.''

''I felt the poet's soul-searching longing in this poem, and it made my chest ache. We are disassociated from our families only a few generations back. The struggles of our forefathers and the traits that made our heritage important are no longer as potent. Pride in one's blood is half of what it used to be. That animalistic allegiance is disappearing... I may have interpreted this wrong, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. Regardless, mad props for stirring plenty of emotion and nostalgic reflection.'' -Silvershoes

''I really enjoyed this one. I could imagine the author searching in the mirror for clues of their heritage. Perhaps having the cheekbones of a native american and the skin tones of their /irish/scottish background. Questioning themselves about who they take after and finding that a little bit of everyone, past and present, makes them who they are today.''

''The different elements involved in this poem gave it some kind of a twist, in a nice way, it gave it a depth in the image that was intended to be delivered through the poem itself. Well written, and well structured.'' -gIrL

''"Stubborness" should be "Stubbornness." I thought this was an intriguing way to describe oneself. It had an Arthur Boyd feeling to it within the first stanza and I was quite fond of the tone, strong and confident. I found the way the Poet described true facts of herself to be interesting and they were cleverly done not just fact after fact, it had poetic beauty to it. I thought the reference to Mona Lisa was different; the line 'sometimes smiling' allowed the audience to grasp more about the poet on a different level, to identify yourself with such a woman creates a connection that isn't seen by most. I liked how the writer mentions 'farmers' it is said that the parents of woman depicted in the Mona Lisa were farmers and again, even if it wasn't intentional, it creates that connection between the writer and her. I also liked how the writer incorporated the elements with 'earth and fire' this poem was filled with many different aspects of the poet, some noticeable and others not so much. To write such a personal poem about oneself should be praised enough.'' -Melpomene

''I admire the way the writer described their self and their heritage in this piece. I was reading and thinking that couldn't have been easy, personal poems never are. There is a sense of proudness, humblity, honesty and exposing/reavling one's self in this piece. love the mona lisa part, especially the ''sometimes smiling'' phrase. Unique.'' -The Princess

''"I am" reflects very specific origins of a specific individual in a very acceptable first person mode that is interesting in a more general sense ie genealogy, astrology and nationality, celebrating individuality, yet acknowledging stubbornness insecurity and worries.'' -Michael D Nalley

============================

9) Rhinestone

''I don't particularily like the title given to this write. I was expecting something with jewels mentioned in the lines and that did not happen. The write seems to be about all the ways a person loved another, somewhat original but lacking real emotion.''

''Some of the lines don't tend to make much sense, perhaps due to punctuation. It felt a little here and there, but didn't really feel summed up all at once. Too many emotions going at once, do you love them, do you miss them, do you want to forget them? It doesn't feel as though you're TRYING to forget, rather just seemingly dramatic about. I did however like the beginning of the ending stanza, it was interesting (the bit with the blizzard) and brought a creative pull to the piece.''

''Starting this poem without a capital letter was a little strange in my opinion.

(that I wish
I could miss)
^^
this seemed a little odd to me and I don't really think it was needed at all.

The final verse had too many "I loved you's" in it for my liking. Overall, it has a lot of potential and, with a bit of editing (which I hope the author will do) it will become a very nice poem.''

''You need to capitalize the "w" in your opening line,
however though I thought another was my favorite over here, I must
Add this piece! It's just amazingly worded, the message is so clear
Even though you use your imagination! I am in LOVE with many
Parts, especially those I could relate to.
You writer over here, do sound caring about your piece, for the words
Are well picked, and structured. Loves it, well done!'' -Sunshine

''The tittle itself carried a lot of meanings to begin with. The emotions are very deep and sincere. The sadness atmosphere covers this poem, but the images shown are magnificent, and well captured, the wording is flawless as it gave the poem the depth that is sensed when reading the poem.'' -gIrL

''The first word of the poem should be capitalized. This is another poem that interests me due to the emotion behind it. I liked the simplistic nature of the words and yet it was the emotion that was the more complex part. A couple of words to me didn't work well with the tone, such as 'acrid' I felt that it was too harsh sounding against the rest of the softer and more elegant wording/tone. I do understand that this was used in order to reinforce the idea but 'bitter' would of sounded better, simpler yes, but nothing wrong with that. While this poem speaks of a lost relationship from my perspective it was still indeed beautiful. I liked the metaphors and to my surprise the rhyme did work well in the third stanza even though I personally didn't think that the (bracket text) was necessary. However I didn't like the repetition of 'I loved you' it was fine the first time, effective, however not so much the second and third time. Ending was great, and unexpected.'' -Melpomene

''I agree with Mel that ''acrid'' wasn't perhaps needed, also the between brackets part. I could uite sense this is an emotional write for the author, pretty much raw and intense too. Interesting choice of words, I loved ''floundering'' and it just stuck with me for some reason throughout the poem. I guess it's pretty hard to give someone you love everything and have them not return even a small part of it and even demand more. My heart goes out for the writer.'' -The Princess.

============================

10) Icicle

''Again the title doesn't fit the write unless the idea is how cold a person could be toward another and that still doesn't quite work for me.

^each one leaving a half-hazard trace. (I think half-harzard should be haphazard, no dash is needed)''

''I love the imagery, the beginning stanza was strong and instantly had me wanting more. I love the "hiding, writhing, heaven knows again what force- enemies?" piece, it was interesting and felt as though you were in the piece with them. The idea behind it has me a bit confused, as though there is a little more to the story than the writer wanted to tell, and that gives it just enough mystery to make me want to read their other poems, to see if I can decipher.''

''In the starkly lit corner,
clouded against our better judgment,
I first saw my life without you - it was
candidly foreboding.
Last kisses framed around your sullen brow,
each one leaving a half-hazard trace.
^^
I think it should be haphazard?

those moments of vivid knowing,
nearing the brink of eclipse,

There is where you were hiding, writhing,
^^^
That is where you were hiding sounds better maybe?

heaven knows against what force -
enemies? Well, let's say you had a few.

Ghosts at the time, they were.
All shadows of their former selves, such
rivalries you possessed;
Devils risen to avenge their stolen treasure.
Even I fell victim once or twice to that vanity, but
never for long enough

I not sure I understand the ending 'but never for long enough'? it's as if they wanted to remain a victim for longer than they did?''

''I think your simple title really caught me, I can't help it. Ask Britt, everything that's
Related to winter seduces me, if I am allowed to say that, anyway your poem took a
Way different path, but I loved the metaphors and descriptions!
You had some wrong punctuation, which I always do, but do catch
In others work, but you made me pause a lot with many unneeded hyphens
and commas etc.. And here:

nearing the brink of eclipse,
^
You need a full stop, or to write There in the second line, using lowercase.

As for this line :
Even I fell victim once or twice to that vanity,
^
You need to revise it, maybe say Even I fell as a victim ?..or I'm not sure
But something is missing.
In essence, it was a very powerful ending, and it kind of gave me chills, and
Left an impact. I enjoyed this!'' -Sunshine

''This poem was very different from what I am used to read...
The title was very interesting..
I liked the tone of this poem

The concept of it was kind of bittersweet I could say,
But the ending was what struck me the most..
It is not easy for anyone to ever admit
Of having been a victim,
and the 'not for long'
Is like a breath of fresh air...
Relief..
-stunning and clever piece.''

''Definitely a dark scheme is what this poem carries within its lines. I would preferred the poem to be a bit longer than what it is now, I felt that the idea was cut short a little bit. But the overall idea was really good.'' -gIrL

''There are so many perfect phrases in this poem. I can't even try to pick them all out, because it would be practically the whole poem. I adore the lingering simplicity of the ending, it's haunting. My only question is over the title. It works distantly, and I imagine it has more meaning for the poet, but I think there must be a better choice floating around somewhere.''

''I thought the way the poet depicted the concept of knowing of "something not being right" and then coming to terms with the fact with it was cleverly portrayed here. The description and emotion were two very powerful elements incorporated together and the strong points of this piece. Within the second and third stanza I started to get the feeling that the writer was speaking of herself, as though it was her who was hiding in such knowledge but at the same time this could be interpreted in a way that makes you think she is speaking of a man. I liked how this was left open for the reader to create a connection to the wording and define the meaning their own way, it was a little cryptic in areas and that's because I believe the poem was indeed personal, and I couldn't say anything against that as I write cryptic often enough. I adored the casual tone that was evident in the third stanza third line. The third stanza was thought-provoking. This had many of the elements needed to make an intriguing poem in my opinion. The first word of the third stanza doesn't need to have a capital.'' -Melpomene

''The author in the first part of this beautiful beautiful write decribed so well the thoughts one gets when they're ''nearing the brink of eclipse'' in a relationship. I could see how dear is the person in ''Last kisses framed around your sullen brow''. The voice of the writer was there.. steady, tired, lingering and melconic almost. I adored ''hiding, writhing,heaven knows against what force - enemies?'' I was a bit confused over the ending, but loved it nonetheless. '' - The princess

11) Granite

''haha omg man or woman! I have never seen a whole
text or poem without one fullstop or a comma to
take a breath! And I believe you wrote this using Microsoft,
cause all your first letters are UPPERCASE :D tada!
Anyway, it would really help your poem if you fix that, when
you submit this to your own profile. I LOVE LOVE your poem,
This is something am really fond of!
I am touched by your piece, and reallllyy think I will nominate this
once it's submitted {and punctuated lol}'' -Sunshine

''Once before rocks
Were tumbling off of that mountain
Range over there I
Took a walk with her she
In all her magnificent beauty
Shone brighter than any other star
Even time itself stops to admire
^^^
I think a comma is needed after Once in the first line.

"off of that" mountain seemed slightly clumsy and would read easier to my eye if it read 'from that mountain'

Took a walk with her she
^^^
I believe a period is needed after her and She needs a capital.

Even time itself stops to admire
^^^^
We're talking past tense in this stanza so it should be 'stopped'.

Years later still and
^^^
this sentence doesn't really mesh with the next one, perhaps: Many years later, still our footprints..

Our footprints look like dagger marks
Spread out across the range
They fill with water when it rains
Winking with every ripple
Laughing seemingly

Playful in their ways sporadic
^^^
Sporadic ways sounds so much better to be?

Boulders tumble crash
Break here and there as
Though they are carefree
My God always
I can still see her shining over there
The mountain itself seems dire
Spitefully though it tries to keep intact

This also needs some work and punctuation but, I'm hoping this author will have picked up on the little grammatical errors I've pointed out already without me having to do so in this stanza.

This is a really good poem, it just needs a little more work done on it.''

''This is a beautiful heartfelt piece,
I believe the wording was beautiful..
And they were some really lovely images of two lovers through out the poem
However I believe it misses some punctuation here and there..
Some comma's perhaps..
It all flowed so fast after each other
Like a song..
But the melancholy and emotions
Still create great impact.''

''Love the concept, but the lack of grammar and the awkward line breaks made the content more difficult to decipher. Footprints like dagger marks is an excellent analogy, and the last two lines of the last stanza strike a solid finish to a well-rounded story. Not bad, I like it.''

''I love the way the crumbling mountains theme went through the whole poem. The concept is lovely, and there were some wonderful lines (the entire second stanza, for instance). The line breaks seemed haphazard at times, and they could be changed to make the poem stronger, for example, "range over there I" isn't particularly meaningful or important, nor does the line end with a compelling word. Actually, the phrase, "were tumbling off that mountain range over there" could be made much stronger if it were less ambiguous, "were tumbling off the mountain range", or even "our mountain range". I also think the "my god always" line was unnecessary and didn't fit in the third stanza, (it seemed like more of a filler to keep the stanza length) but that's a preference thing. This is a lovely piece, I'll be thinking about it for a while.''

''A really nice picture of how we remember our beloved ones, or the memories we carry around about the one special person in our lives. It felt that the emotions were spread around that place, every where there was a print left that reminds of who once crossed that path. Simply an amazing poem.'' -gIrL

''The one thing I will point out with this poem is that my mind wasn't able to grasp the flow, especially in the first stanza and that was because I became confused as to where I should pause when reading. Each line was capitalized which wasn't necessary and the fact the poem didn't use any punctuation really didn't allow for the flow to come naturally. I did however adore the concept of this poem; I felt it was one of the strongest with emotion I have read so far. Love and loss is often written about and yet the emotive thoughts are what grasped me and made me become intrigued. The tone was another strong point, it went from admiration, to reminiscent, to almost bitter and the second stanza was a favourite due to the clever description. I highly enjoyed reading this one and with some punctuation I'd gladly nominate it in the weekly contest.'' -Melpomene

''I couldn't understand the way the poem was structured. I thought perhaps like crumbling rocks? but then there were capitalization was used in the oddest of places and so were line breaks. I had that feeling however it was perhaps meant to mean something that perhaps I didn't get.'' -The Princess

============================

12) Dissolve

''The firm resolve never to let
^
should be resolves..
as for your poem, this is perfection!
I have seriously read some of the most
magnificent poems that I can't wait till I
know who wrote what!

The opening is very very catchy, and I love how neat this poem is, with style, punctuation, structure, meter and even
wording! It makes you like you want to read no matter what!

Depth is another theory over here~ I am lost, about what message to get and what concept to rely on, and even what part to feel..as this is a full package!
Thanks for touching and inspiring me!'' -Sunshine

''This is poem is definitely
Touchy,the sadness in contrast with the new found happiness
Is so obvious and well painted..
The metaphors used in this...
The nature and stuff...
Will probably be seen as over-used
But I think it worked perfectly in this piece
It was sincere,and straight to the point.''

''The opening lines was a really clever metaphor- comparing this man to the collision of a overpowering wave. I enjoyed the creativity that kept surprising me, especially the effects on your memory, as if you can't recall a memory with him, there is just absence forming. ''strength of solitude'' was powerful- I found this able to relate to, that finding stamina in being alone can build up your character, give you more soul. I felt the second stanza needed something, a break? A hyphen? It was good inverse though...how you started the two lines differently than what would be normal, in my opinion. Such memorable images....losing that firm soil, something that holds value, burying any sense of revival and burying any remaining thought of him. Moving and distinct. I liked the feel of this ''new'' word to me, ''vagaries''- you keep this despair, and the whole basis of decaying soil and hope throughout this piece- it just hits the reader and you make it tragically beautiful. Good ties at the end, concluding that twist that wasn't always there. ''

''This poem really appealed to me. I loved how the author used nature to highlight acceptance yet reluctance. Very clever write in my opinion. The only critique I could give would be to change isle solitaire to solitaire isle. If it remains as is, both words should really be capitalised.''

''What a lovely poem .. What an amazing words used in it .. The flow was really good, and the poem has a magical thing in it that sweeps the readers attention to another place. And the figures used are excellent and in their right places.'' -gIrL

''An original way to present the message of a turbulent love, using the idea of soil eroding. Could have been written for a person or the earth. Either way, a good read.''

''The first two times I read this poem, nothing came to me. I really had nothing to say and no emotions were stirred. Then when I came back to this poem, I had music on (a sad song) and this poem hit me. The sadness and longing for this person is clearly evident, but it's structured in a way you don't typically see. After a bit of my own inspiration, I see this poem for the gem it is :)''

''I felt that in the second stanza, second line, a comma was needed after "found" as it was hard for the readers mind to grasp the third line without such a pause. I really adored this poem; I liked the references to nature and I thought it was clever to depict someone falling down as a torrent it was a strong image and it depicted the force of the fall beautifully. The contrast between the torrent and a drought gave an interesting concept and imagery. The emotion behind this poem was complex and it intrigued me. Wasn't so sure that the word "vagaries" fitted in, it seemed like a sharp word compared to the other softer sounding words that were evident in this piece, I just didn't like how it sounded against the rest of the tone. Apart from that this piece is one that I have really enjoyed; it was mature, and beautifully depicted.'' -Melpomene

''A heartfelt write on how things are when one person enters into our lives, changes our heart, mind and habits and turns pretty much everything upside down. I could feel a little bit of the writer's soul in there. A poem I'm sure everyone can relate to to some point.'' -The Princess

''This is a very powerful, vaguely comical read. I love the comparison between being swept up in unexpected love and a natural disaster. It's clear that the reader feels he or she is too weak to fend off the suitor, and so he or she is succumbed to a budding relationship. The feeling is all too familiar. Well done.'' -Silvershoes

============================

13) Summertime on Bearskin Neck

''Why does this sound like it
Could be the new summer jam?
While this has tons of spark and a melodic tone...
It sounds as if one was hyper
Throwing words on paper...
As if the were meant to dance at the rhythm of the pen...
A fun read for sure
some lovely images along the way
Like the

"Dragon flies sizzle under electric moons,"

Very lovely!
Nice play with words! ''

''First thing I noted was the title of the piece. Simple yet striking in the sense that I can feel a rush of something more coming on- something like love perhaps? Or a new dawn. Beautiful way to draw the reader in. I truly admire this piece- it is unique, and an abstract work of art that when reading every line, sure, at first glance it may be a bit heavy with images, but if you analyze each word and read it like a gem- I can find not just a chaotic mess of adjectives, but something solid in my memory. My favorite line- my heart smiled at- was the fourth line. Dragonflies I do take for granted, but you brought their beauty back in remembrance and the well-crafted vivacity of your words do give off an ''electric'' tone. I liked the ease of this rhyme, how it wasn't in a set structure, but more like flowing down. ''summer Cinderellas'' was a new concept- it gave this piece an edgy thought, workers at home finding their hobby, their way to breathe. The next few lines were so free feeling! Like we don't need to explain the reason we are in a certain location, just that the weather attracts us, and we are ready for a soft romance! I liked the ''heatwave'', ''heart rave'' and ''madness''. I can understand that, dancing to it, despite all the itching and whatever heat makes us complain, dancing can reverse all that! Fresh ending...it gave off that wish for a never-ending summer. Overall, this piece really shined. It wasn't a common piece, it was original, and I could see your thoughts and bits of your soul here. You truly expressed yourself and the enjoyment of summer.''

''This was a very 'busy' poem, with lots of activity going on. I loved the random rhyming scheme and it made me feel quite breathless as the author whizzed me around on the journey of a summer I definately would remember for years to come. ''

''Captured the essence of summer in those few lines .. Amazing how the choice of wording made this poem like a song, when you read it you can almost hear a tune of melody in your head. It also had this really good rhymes in between the words. Well done .'' -gIrL

''For my taste, there are to many adjectives or adverbs (checked the definition of each and still not sure which category these words fall into). With that said, the write is descriptive of a summertime and perhaps thoughts that go with the hunt for a summer fling.''

''Favorite poem I've done a review for yet. Interesting, intriguing, creative. The literary devices are strong and riddled throughout the whole piece, giving it a fresh, fun and different tone from the rest.''

''This is one of the give me fresh air poems! I was out of my mood as I read it, a poem that's so easy to follow up with its lines, words and the kind of poems that you don't want to reach to its closing line.
I was disappointed when I discovered that this was the end! I just wanted to read more of such lines..
What an imagination, you actually managed depth with words that usually can't play with my thoughts, yet got me smiling..Then staring then smirking then donu! Just honestly a great poem, and summer in catch one more summer fling, does not need to be capitalized

And AMAZING TITLE '' -Sunshine

''Loved the description, the word choice, the rhyme (especially that) and the details. Almost everything about this piece was full of life, bubbly and unique as if the writer have captured the essence of summer on paper. Well done.'' -The Princess

''Now this poem had great rhythm, I must give praise for that. I'm never a fan of a poem that rhymes personally, I'm just more intrigued by free-verse but this, this is the kind of poem that is catchy and you'd put with an upbeat tune. I enjoyed the use of Onomatopoeia, it was evident throughout most of the piece "sizzle" "drizzling" "wheezing" and of course many more, these really packed a punch and helped create that catch tune I was speaking about. My senses were delighted throughout the entire poem, not only were my ears teased, the imagery was bright and colourful. I'm going to just say that I enjoyed the immature essence depicted in this poem, I think that's the first time I've ever praised immature nature or imagery but it was indeed enjoyable and made me smile. Nice work of alliteration also, it was subtle yet noticeable enough to also play nicely with the flow. This was fun; a little all over the place is some instances, almost like a person drunk of red drink feeling but enjoyable none the less.'' -Melpomene

============================

14) Achilles' Heel"

''I have to say this was a neat piece to have the honor of reading. I liked your form, whatever it may have been, with the set rhyming and repeated lines, it added strength and I bet a challenge. First line was alluring. Another line that struck me was the idea of warriors feeling that even weapons, at the hand of war, won't bring him down, the pride of a warrior- becoming all too real. Good mention of Zeus and his thunder, as well as that effect of destiny, that journey we can't avoid. Favorite and most contemplative line was this ''Constellations, turn timeless wandering wheel''- I like your spin on that word, constellations, and your image is in my mind, precious wheel always watching. Interesting write with some enjoyable references to mythology. ''

''Catchy Title .. Of the great warrior .. Gives you a sense of the place, a glance of history .. The repetitions in this poem were really good, gave it a really good flow .. Each stanza reflected a scene in Achilles history. Amazingly written .. '' -gIrL

''This write seems to be in a form and if so, it would have been nice for the writer to include the name of the form and the requirements of form. If the writer did not use a form, I would think it reflects being lazy with all the repeating lines. Although an original write, some of the repeated lines do not carry through the thought of the previous lines. Gives me the feeling a forced placement to complete the verse and the message is lost.

^The beauty of Helen caused many to knell
In the fourth verse, this line does not meet the rhyme scheme. Knell does not rhyme with the other words, perhaps the word should be kneel. ''

''"The beauty of Helen caused many to knell" I think here you meant "kneel", as it rhymes with the rest. I think the rhymes were a tad overdone and felt the poem was a bit restricted (ending lines anyhow) because of the structure. The topic is interesting and brought something new to the table, but I think the rhyme scheme was a bit too much. Maybe changing it up a bit instead of using the same end rhyme would help a bit.''

''WOW perfect rhyme scheme, though I thought I would have a different impression. But this was really good, I couldn't grasp the cause of this piece, but some lines had their own message, their own way like..
Running wild and free may make a warrior feel
As if the weapons of wars won't make him fall
^
This is fantastic! I also want to nominate this one, I have no idea how am I gna nominate the bunch of poems, that I've loved.
And this was just breath taking :

Constellations, turn timeless wandering wheel
Where Achilles shield forever stands tall
A tendon attaching the calf to the heel

I love it, love it, not sad, not happy, not nothing more like a fantasy with inspiring lines within its own style! Well done.'' -Sunshine

''This write had me most curious, it seemed like it was written in symbols or there was a riddle to solve, especially upon reading ''Like a myth of history that would become real''. I found myself wishing the writer would say or explain more. Very neatly penned.'' - The Princess

''Nice to see a poetry format, forgive me, I'm not the most knowledgeable with forms however the rhyme scheme and the structure were beautifully flowing together and I am surprised as to how much I enjoyed the rhyme. It was softer which made it a little more subtle and more enjoyable in my opinion. Of course, I adored the concept; it's nice to see some more mythology being incorporated into poetry. Achilles heel is a beautifully tragic myth but I also liked that this poem could be interpreted in different ways, the fact that Achilles heel has come to be symbolic of weakness made this all the more interesting. What I liked most of this poem was that it flowed naturally, it was very relaxed, easy going and didn't seem researched, it was as though the writer was already knowledgeable on such topic. The only things I can suggest is punctuation, I feel full stops would benefit the poem in some areas, and also every line being capitalized wasn't necessary. Apart from such the overall poem was lovely to read.'' -Melpomene

============================

15) Muddled

''This is a poem is kind of mysterious in some way.
The work choice gives it a dark feel
The ending was soft,yet bitter...
A not too complicated poem..
Sincere and filled with sadness.
Seems like someone is resigned to be
A clustered mess...
Beautifully penned.''

''OMG were you talking or describing me over here ?
This is a very well said piece, for such a small one, this says too much, yes too much in a good way!
I love how she's a clustered mess! @ night
It's breath taking and this :
unable to unravel
scents of romance
and tragedy -

^
was a very deep one!
I can't even find words, haha this hit home for me.
Thanks, I feel as if I found parts of me over here! Which may be bad, and good!

Well done.'' -Sunshine

''She is that of
wadded necklaces
cinched with
confusion,
<clear splendid imagery, depicts a lady whose appearance is thrown together in haste, but conveys a marked endearment for her by the writer>

for flowers wedged
in her mind yearn to blossom
<great!>

yet she falls -
a moth, light-headed,
unable to unravel
scents of romance
and tragedy -
<as good as Joni Michell's Electricity>

she's a clustered mess
in 'midst of night.
<very well done poem, keeping the simile all the way through and delighting with its whimsy>'' -Larry Chamberlin

''Typically i would say this is melopmene, however she is co-hosting the contest i doubt she'd write for it. all I can say is very tricky trying to mask yourself as a co-host as it looks like a lot of research of melpomenes poems have been done.''

''This reminded me with the way Mel writes. However, the images in my opinion were too much for such a small piece. I would have prefered if the author took the first one (the necklace one for example) and ran along with it. I did however love the one with the moth being light-headed, although I think perhaps it would have been better had the writer replaced ''romance and tragedy'' with real scents that would hint to the 2 words than just writing them down.'' - The Princess

''This poem was short and had impact. It was a lot simpler than what I am used to from this poet. I liked the simplicity of being less cryptic, however I didn't find it to be as strong as some of her previous poems and that is because I felt it was unfinished, it seemed to end to quickly for me like perhaps the writer was rushed to meet the deadline? I know the poetry style of this poet is usually short and sweet but I believe it was the overall flow that was effected. Within the second stanza the transition between the 1st and second line were uneasy. I liked the metaphor of the 'wadded necklaces' it was nice to see something a little different presented to the audience. Within the last line 'midst' seems a little awkward and out of place, 'midst' means 'in the middle of' or 'amongst' and therefore it didn't seem the 'in' or 'of' were really necessary. Some lovely images throughout, even for such a short piece.'' -Melpomeme

============================

16) Fire in the Darkest Season

''The challenge of this poem dawned as me as so intricately woven. I adored the internal rhyming and the skill & flow you utilized. The title was quite alluring as well as hopeful in the face of doubt. Your simile was a great way to open up- I have heard many things compared to being as soft as a feather, but not ashes, you make it seem so cozy and romantic here. "waft hither, fro" was a lot to swallow, and it took a few reads. The mention of the ghosts was calming in some way, I felt that presence of spirits as if the light they give spreads- and it isn't something we need to be afraid of. Wonderful and abstract descriptions...the last line caught my breath, it was many different images being brought together and unified. A gem to read that shows inner warmth.''

''This is seriiously a very tough form!
Yet you have managed to write some of the deepest images through your words. How amazing...talking about fire and there you go penning down how the ashes are curling as soft as a feather..my god what an imagination! ghosts..that go..started to think of all the smoke, and then how you said over seas of flushing snow!! well GO...my Lord if I'm a judge I'd give this a 100.. way to go!

Well done.''

''This was one of the most impressing entries in this round. The form itself couldn't have been easy to write. I love the internal rhymes, the picture the writer paints and almost everything about this piece. Breathtaking.
I should warn the readers however that this poem pretty much sticks in one's head'' - The Princess

''The style of poetry adopted by this poem was simply magnificent. The depth in the meaning was clearly felt, although the poem was short, but the message was delivered in such a nice, sweet tone. A new style of writing that I was not aware off before, but nice to learn it through this poem.'' -gIrL

''Very creative and a very unique and difficult style, you did well, but the structure seemed forced a tad to much just to make the form work, poetry should be flowing and less forced, still though one hads to appreciate the great attempt.....well done.'' -Bob Shank

''I was impressed by the fact this poet used a poetry form, it's one that I haven't seen before and in all honesty it looks quite difficult. I loved how the writer used a subtle rhyme rather than something that was 'in your face' so to say. The imagery was indeed beautiful, interesting how this poem actually didn't use the word 'fire' or anything along them lines, apart from 'ashes,' it allowed the reader to comprehend the images for themselves and the only thing I have to add was that I felt the title was too revealing. I would of liked to have come to the concept of a fire myself. Combined with the archaic language the tone became lovely, calming and easing, much like a fire does when you view it. This had a great rhythm and when read out loud it was catchy which was different for a poem with such a concept. A lovely nature piece that could be interpreted in many ways.'' -Melpomene

============================

17) Don't Speak

''I felt that this poem had great "freedom" and relaxing serenity- but the direction lost me near the end. In the third stanza, the ending seems unfinished. Did you mean waiting for you "too"? You give a light tone to these pleas to be heard without judgment, just to cast away words. Sometimes we need that one word "listen" to understand others. I didn't feel the fourth/last stanza was impacting. I didn't feel the need for the "teacher" reference since you didn't introduce it earlier, yet I would have liked to see more mention of the age groups- listening to generations passed down. A thoughtful piece that is quite calming and should be taken literally- sometimes we have to stop the world to see. My last suggestion would be to add more to the lines themselves, they were powerful but didn't have that spark of detail. What makes birds so special to listen to? Ask yourself these questions. A good start, still feels like it could use revision. Nice read though.''

''I read each verse then closed my eyes, only to see the images that those lines reflected. Each verse had its own unique image, its own unique sounds, its own unique place. Amazing how the poem was put together in a column structure. I think it was really well written. '' -gIrL

''This had a hunting voice to it. I actually quietened and tried to listen. Loved the first stanza, especially the part about the roar of the birds, car and thunder. I couldn't grasp much of the story, I'm afraid, still I enjoyed this piece nonetheless'' - The Princess

''Listen to
that child over there
the teacher
speaking
speaking

^ The "to" after listen wasn't necessary, other than that I really enjoyed this for some reason, it had a simple theme and kept to task throughout, enjoyed the rundown of stanza's, like a cascading thought.....well done.'' -Bob Shank

''Something about the format of this poem I didn't like, I felt the poem could of had a much stronger impact if the structure was different. The poem needed more punctuation, you began each stanza with a capital but you didn't end the previous one with a full stop. The was a simplistic piece and I did like the concept behind it. I enjoyed how the writer spoke of the surroundings it gave you an interesting image of where it is the person in the poem was. I wasn't sure why the poem had 'speaking' twice on the ending? was it meant to represent some kind of fade out? if not, I don't think it was really necessary. Also once I gathered what it was you were saying in the ending, I found it to be lovely. The idea of the child being the teacher if you just listen intrigued me. A powerful message.'' -Melpomene.

I'll say this
i am surprised by the amount of particpation
so wheather you helped with commenting, organziing, thank you
and a special thx to both mel and nor
the amount of coordination needed was enormous
good job <3

This is marvellous! I'm loving the all-site participation in both writing and commenting.

I can't believe how many people commented on everything... It'll be interesting to see how the judging compares to the commenting.
Awesome challenge, guys!

Dang, Larry is a hard ass ;)

Awesome job everyone, both poets and commenters!

I actually asked Larry if he prefers being anonymous and he told me no and asked me to give you all a target :D

I have two more comments (for two different poems)!

Fire in the Darkest Season

Curling ashes as soft
as feathers, aloft are
sent, waft hither, fro,
ghosts that go and
light aglow the trees
<love these lines>

that branch, freeze, glisten
over seas of flushing snow.
<comes apart here>

Burmese Climbing Poetry is a form comprised of a series of internal rhymes. Each line has four words, the 4th of which sets the first rhyme. That rhyme is repeated in the 3rd word of the second line, and the 2nd of the 3rd. The 4th word in the 3rd line sets the new rhyme, to continue the 4, 3, 2 pattern.

<First, while the Yadu is otherwise properly stated here, it is traditionally counted in syllables, not words. However, I find it fascinating that you are attempting such an unusual form in a contest. Under the rules you've accepted, the poem is in strict convention.>

<More importantly, the content flows beautifully for the first five lines. At that point the sense breaks down and you force the reader to stop and figure out your meaning. I think you might redo the last two lines, focusing on your contrast between the ashes rising and the snow falling. Unless your metaphor of the trees as a dividing line, or event horizon is vital to your message, the trees get in the way of the poetry.> -Larry Chamberlin

----

"Even ugly can make beauty"

I like the line "even the bees refused to pollinate" and the mention of "drunken lilies" the most. The detail of the bees makes for an interesting metaphor, and the lily image shows the atmosphere and the poet's attitude much better than "horse dung". I think this poem could use more lines like that, tell less, show more. As a side note, I think the last line should be omitted. Your statement might reinforce what the reader just read about, but I think it keeps the reader from really exploring all the hidden meanings and intricacies to your words.

Wow

just

Wow

Hello all,

Just as a little surprise Nor and I decided that in Round 2 we will be having what are called 'One-rounders' and 'Masked Poets'

What are these you ask?

Well we decided that anyone can come in and enter a poem for RRRs. These will NOT accumulate points, and therefore you will not actually be competing for the winning title, it is just an opportunity to receive feedback on your poems. However, people must keep in mind that Round 2 isn't going to be 'Free' so therefore your poem will have to meet the requirements of round 2.

Poets will be eliminated after Round 1, so this also gives eliminated poets the chance to come in and play just for fun. I mean this is a poetry site after all so even if it isn't a competition why not jump right in and give yourself a challenge? It also means people who didn't write for the first round can come in and write for the second if they'd feel like it.

If I've missed anything, feel free to jump right in Nor. :)

Any questions please feel free to ask.

Thanks, Mel :)

I just want to add why you've considered that. While collecting the reviews I had a chance to talk with a some of the members on here that were giving loads of review although they didn't even join the contest. What I gathered from them was that some don't feel like entering these challenges because of the stress, not having much time or not feeling comfortable with being under the spot light. So upon talking with Mel, we decided to allow almost everyone to enter provided, as Mel mentioned, their poem meets the requirements of the 2nd round.

**Masked poets (anonymous) and one rounders however won't be allowed in the 4th (finial) round.

Youse guys is funny

Are you picking at something I said, Larry? :D

I think it's only suitable I share this now (just received it via pm). :)

Spell Bound by Michael D Nalley

Never could spell to well, but I rhyme sometime.
Digging a well to hell you may find sublime
I become so proud and the curse is cast
No body is ever satisfied to come in last
In a spell bound world we must strive for perfection.
Anything less will only lead a writer to rejection.
Original each time we conform to a norm.
We can't be too careful about keeping form
Judges are handy when we decide to compete
Encouragement and praise makes us complete
We use our imaginations for the spell bound
Knocking out losers just to go another round
We walk with our heads high, to run is a sin.
Joyfully we will write, one more, For The Win!

Lol Mike.