Colm's Challenge Round 2 POEMS and RESULTS

Another round over, and interesting poems came in again for the judges to mull over. Unfortunatly three poets didnt get to submit poems this time round, so we are left with seven poems. There will be two poets knocked out this round, (the two with the lowest score in this round) and we will progress with a quintet of poets.

Here are the poems. Results will be posted as soon as they are in, followed by reviews, so watch this space!

Poem 7
Nature's Melody

Silently, I spend my mornings
glassing grassy plains,
hearing the whisper of nothingness
wrap upon me in the wind
where I can watch a baby calf
with its wobbling, fragile legs
take its first step,
right to left.

Shielding glassy eyes
from unyielding predators
in plain view,
the mother dances, loudly prances
left to right,
crunching leaves
for her baby to enjoy.

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Poem 6
Lipped in the Storm

My mouth, it harbours, a thousand words
plunging against pink-fleshed walls
with stickiness and bounciness
like living bubblegum.
It is here, where they storm
into slivers of songs, then bulge
like a thousand cherries against my cheeks,
that foreshadow a bucket of cacophony.
For this paradise knows when
lightning and tongue
break those two tuna-flabs,
as if it's a boat that bursts open
with words slithering in seas of filthy fish.

My lips, they launch, a thousand words
like cherry-pits into ears refusing
to hear about a looming storm.
They fish in its eye
trailing light-houses like
mermaids with the shadow of sharks,
swimming at the rims of wave and sound.
It is here, where blue-fleshed walls
wallow in a thousand worlds
unseen to oysters,
and other shell-skinned ones
that keep their pearled tongues
clean to the caves and pits of forgetfulness.

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Poem 5
Necromancer

Devoid of light, among the graves,
I see her rise over the looming shadows
with wine tempting tresses
hang above her niveous plain face
from left to right, her head tilts
as stained glass laughter
can be heard, lustful
like a rouge moon.

Seraphic virgin at daylight
who dwells within the abyssal plain
as eternal quietus awaits at the glassy
ocean floor, lest to see
a deathly pallor, and lest to hear
the music of its murmuring sea
with ashen eyes like pools in shadow
o'er flowing left to right, trails of terror.

*niveous
adjective: snowy; snowlike
Origin: niveus, snowy: see nival
Webster's New World College Dictionary Copyright © 2010 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Cleveland, Ohio.
Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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Poem 4
Springtime Around The Lemon Tree

I like to see a little girl
playing with her brother's friends.
There they are,
stripping every last leaf
off sticks they have carefully
selected from my lemon tree-
straight and sturdy for swords,
bent and knobbly for pistols-
plunging them into the elastic
of their trousers, ready for battle.
Then the swashbuckling begins,
arrghing to the right, kapowing to the left,
as bits of flaxen twig leap and catch
the sloping afternoon light,
flashing for a moment
before falling.
The girl, who has been watching
and bouncing with delight,
tries to stab a pirate through the heart
and at once a zealous sword strikes her face.
She cries, and the boys move away in disgust

but before she is left to the
loneliness of my lemon tree, I see her brother
stay to stroke her cheek, lightly, for a moment,
so that everything is alright.

**********************************
Poem 3
Before I Woke Up

You were dreaming of me,
at least I supposed so
thus my eyes lightened
with a blaze that echoed yellow
glassy arcs of gem rainbows.
It left me wordless enjoying
such a moment of plain
yet possessed silence,
I trust.

I was dreaming of you,
at least you believed so
thus you started molding
surprises in wine glasses of light.
It left you drunk, passionate
for an inspiring night of plain
yet wild romance,
I wish...

****************************************
Poem 2
Sober Man's Blind Spot

Light escaped the dungeon.
It left stains on the back of
the window -
the pane of glass,
looking quite plain.
But to the untrained eye,
a shadow appeared
where the dust settled right
there. You can hear the little creatures.
Do you see?

The shadow people
on the table sitting beside the
seat of the glass mug that rested
by my left hand. I know
I am right!
They can see me because
I'm sitting like the mug in the light
and speaking aloud as I write.
Plain for them
to hear;
I'm afraid.

**************************************
Poem 1
Inbred Orientations

You spoke what's on your mind,
and I heard what you think is right.
To you, the crooked destination
I'm stepping onto is
abhorrent to reason, more like...
a blasphemous conviction.
To me, it's a mere disparate decision.
Keep in mind that the shadowy paths you see
me bumping unto are already chosen.
Wouldn't a soulless, lit comet hit Mars,
when it has already swerved Earth and Venus?
Blindly inborn, such decision -
it can never be of a sober volition...

Still, you cannot deny the fact that
the shepherd sees all his sheep equal -
the fact that you cannot write my farewell letter,
nor speak on behalf of me.
I have a voice -
a voice that must be heard clearly.
And just like you, I possess a presence,
hence, expect me to fight as fierce as a lion
so that the mystic sun light would illuminate
through the reigning shadows of discrimination
and human unfairness.
And I promise that our vertiginous world
won't retain its sanity, nor balance,
unless you become ready to
wholeheartedly confess,
that it's so mundane of you
to label me according to my
inbred sexuality.

Wow.. It's a steamy competition.

Too bad the three poets didn't have the chance to compete!

It would've been steamier :)

Waiting for the results.
Best of luck everybody!

Amazing poems, people!

Ok results are in! Once again thanks to the judges for the great comments and for being so quick with them :)

1) Springtime round the lemon tree-(14)(14)(8) =36pts
2) Lipped in a storm - (12) (8) (14) =34pts
3) Nature's Melody- (10) (6) (12) =28pts
4) Sober Man's Blind Spot- (8) (12) (2) =22pts
5) Before I Woke Up - (4) (10) (4) =18pts

6) Necromancer - (2) (4) (10) =16pts
7) Inbred orientations - (6) (2) (6) =14pts

It was close, but the top five go through to battle it out in round three, which will be posted later today.

Springtime Around the Lemon Tree

'The opening lines of this poem weren't as punchy as the others, but I felt like the title offered some setting and interest. Some statement to the effect of the first sentence would have been needed, regardless, to give the reader an idea of the setting. From the second phrase on, this poem took off and captured me. The wording used to describe the "swordfight" was natural. The word choice was capable and elegant and interesting, and yet it didn't distract from the action of the poem. I could see these little pirates clearly playing in the afternoon sun. There was a solid mood to this section.

And, yes, the final stanza made me say "aww." This part could easily have been made trite, just because it's so cute, but the poet let the poem fall solidly in the "not cheesy" camp.'

'This is the best submission by far; it is a wonderful story told in a natural manner. The required words fit seamlessly in the narrative, even though the second stanza is contracted. The substance of the story is endearing for the devotion of a brother and rich in pathos for the failed attempt of the sister to fit in with the older boys. The poet demonstrates a true eye for the human condition and takes a simple episode to present profound meaning.'

'Here's a poem that I would have liked to see a bit shortened so that the repetition would have been a bit more obvious if I hadn't known about the challenge beforehand. Or maybe the stanzas being a bit more equaled out in length to give a stronger representation of the repetition in poetry. I thought it was nice to see the change of 'left' and 'right, probably the most original. Having changed the tense of left to have an entirely different meaning was unique, whereas 'right' changed to 'alright' wasn't something I would have thought to do if this was my poem. To focus more on the content of the poem, I loved the images you gave us in the first stanza. It was a little humorous in a way, as I'm sure most can connect to these little moments in their childhood. It gave me a little chuckle how things were worded, the words used kind of made one laugh also - swashbuckling, arrghing, kapowing - love it! Though I think they are more of sounds, than words ha. I saw the mood of the poem changing quite a bit towards the end of the poem though. I felt quite a few emotions wrapped up within the last stanza. Lovely little poem here though - would have just liked to see the repetition be a bit more obvious to someone who didn't know about the prompt you were given.'

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Lipped in a storm

'Despite this poem's somewhat unsavory images, there is a very consistent tone and a good use of words and simile. Initially, I wasn't sure how I felt about the commas after "harbours" and "launch," because they seemed superfluous. However, the fact that that layout was used in both places shows that it was intentional, and when I read it again I felt that the extra pauses set a nice rhythm for the beginnings of the stanzas. Especially because there is so little pause for "breath" in rest of the stanza, those extra stops in the first lines give the reader a moment to rally before they "dive in." Overall, I thought there was a higher level of skill behind this poem and how it was constructed.

"Tuna flabs" is still pretty gross, though.'

'The metaphors are wildly mixed and sometimes just don't work, such likening the lips to "tuna-flabs." (Is this intended as a play on flaps?) The primary simile of words in the mouth of the poet, cast as stormy, nautical, fisher terms, would have been wonderful had the extraneous matters been left out. For instance, bubble gum and cherry pits detract from the total. The poem has more potential than many of the submissions, but the poet needs to focus on the world being created and delivery it in a consistent package.'

'I thought it was really original how you went about the repetition here. 'See' and 'hear' I loved how you changed them into words that sound the same when said out loud [sea & here]. I found you giving the first stanza more though and creativity as to how the words were used compared to the second stanza where the words were mostly in a way just given in the cliche form you were given to start, but it works out nicely anyway. I loved so much about this poem but had a few things that I felt could be improved upon. I felt like a comma wouldn't be needed after 'harbours' in the first stanza and 'launch' in the second stanza - but insert one after 'words' in both of the stanzas? It felt a little misplaced to me personally. 'Stickiness' and 'bounciness' sounded off to me. I didn't really like the sound of the 'ness' on the end. It seemed better words could have been used to describe this, especially since I can't really imagine bubblegum being alive and bouncing off of walls. I do like your imagination though, it's really intriguing. I must say I was quite pleased how this poem was loaded with repetition above and beyond what you were asked to use - a thousand words, pink-fleshed walls & blue-fleshed walls, cherries against my cheeks & cherry-pits, just to name a few. Nice use of alliteration also, I saw quite a bit of it here. I wouldn't change much about this poem. Your imagination is one of a kind. I loved the metaphor of this poem, as I saw it as gossip being like a storm. I'm quite impressed of what you came up with here, this is easily becoming one of my favorites of this round.'

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Nature's Melody

'This poem was sweet and simple, but with enough skill to make it stand out. This poet made used most words efficiently; for such a short, light poem, you can't waste space and vocab. I felt like the words were deftly used. I liked the mirroring of "right to left," "left to right." It provided some structure to the poem, and a little repetition often helps to link all the parts of a poem together. It's like building a structure sometimes... all in the balance. I also appreciated the little pieces of subtle wordplay, like "glassing grassy" and "the mother dances, loudly prances."'

'Interesting, but many words are forced. "Glassing grassy plains" most likely depicts a person watching through binoculars, but it is stilted.. Cows don't shield "glassy eyes" and "loudly prances" is discordant. Nonetheless, the bucolic scene is serene and lulls the reader into acceptance.'

'To start off I really thought the imagery here was beautiful, it was quite simple but effective enough. 'Glassing grassy plains' was pleasant, a little bit of a tongue twister but lovely. I really thought it was interesting the way you used 'glass' here in verb form. I personally am not very familiar with the word, though I could easily infer what you meant. I'm happy to see these dull words you were given being brought to life through your poem. This was one of my favorite words you changed; it really works nicely, whereas the other perhaps could have used a bit more originality and thought. I really loved how though they weren't words on the list that you used 'silently' and 'loudly' as they are antonyms, I felt they really worked well with the prompt given, though they weren't given to you. I'm curious to see if this was intentional or not. I really liked the way those two words shifted the atmosphere of the poem, since in the beginning everything around them is silent and towards the end you get to hear the crackling of leaves. I'm assuming that 'nothingness' and 'plain' went together, as they are synonyms? Kind of had me guessing for a second as to what your fourth word was, but I believe these two were connected. 'Wrap upon me in the wind' I feel would sound a bit better if 'around' was used instead of 'upon' I know that around is very frequently used in this type of line, but I feel it sounds best. I don't feel upon really works well with imaging something wrapping around you. Also, I can't really imagine wind wrapping around someone - but I do see a little personification within this line which kind of makes it a bit better. I thought it was quite hard to use 'left' to 'right' but it was nice that you at least flopped them in the second stanza rather than just throwing them in the poem haphazardly. Another thing to mention, 'dances' and 'prances' was a nice little 'melody' of it's own. Really nice internal rhyme! You did a really nice job with the prompt, but 'glassing' was one of my favorite words you changed from the list, hands down.'

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Sober Man's Blind Spot

'I really liked the image of light leaving stains on a surface. Generally we think of light as being something that washes away or cleanses, and if anything, shadows would be the "staining" agents. The reversal was interesting, and I think it worked.

I felt like there was a creative mind a work here. Unfortunately, I was left with an unclear idea of what occurred in the poem.'

'Mysterious; takes several readings to imbue this work with sense. I use that word deliberately, because this poem has a stream-of-consciousness feel to it that forces the reader to project their own meaning to the work. The title sets up a juxtaposition of sanity versus fantasy. The poet reverses the field of light and dark consistently and allows shadows to cause stains and light to obscure. Clever, but leading to a deeper meaning about the mental state of the protagonist. The substantiality of the people, both questionable and deliberate, emphasizes the twisted reality experienced by the speaker.'

'It was interesting to see how each poet interpreted the challenge and how they executed it in their poem. With your poem, I see the repetition used in a simple way, with little originality as the words are used exactly as they were given. It seems as though 'glass' was forced in the first stanza, which I felt the word was unnecessary to begin with considering you've already mentioned the light staining the window. It seemed redundant as a window is obviously made of glass. It's hard to find things to say with this poem, you have a nice voice that was brought out in this poem, I thought the exclamation points definitely add to this, it's a nice emphasis on your emotion. I wasn't extremely bored with this poem or anything, but it was one of those poems that didn't really captivate me like the others did. You did make a nice attempt however.'
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Inbred Orientations

'I will say right off the bat that I was thrown off by the word "inbred." I'm not sure if I'm understanding it how it's intended to be used, and without a clear idea of that word, the rest of the poem is a little muddy for me. With that aside, I felt like the poem could have used a little more lyricism. There are some nice metaphors, but my feeling is that the poem comes off as reading like a dramatic speech: One with thoughtful, intelligent sounding word choices, but not as much rhythm and pattern as I generally like to see in a poem.'

'The word flow is not pleasant; choices for near-meaning jar the read. For examples: "crooked destination I'm stepping onto" is stilted; you move toward a destination, not onto it. "Disparate" is used where the sense should be "different;" "paths bumping unto" is contrived. These, and other instances of syntactical errors interfere with the strong message which is attempted to be set out. The substance itself is also lacking in crispness. What does the poet mean by "inbred sexuality?" Being inbred is to be the product of generations of incest. This condition cannot relate in a positive light to his/her sexuality. It is a confused message, seemingly a defense for his/her sexual orientation, but couched in far less of a vessel than it deserves.'

'I was impressed to see nearly every word used in your poem. I feel it would have been a bit more challenging however to shorten your poem up so that it was a bit harder to make the repetition work. I also feel it would be a bit more interesting that way, because though you used the words well, I found my self wrapped up in the meaning of the poem, which definitely isn't a bad thing but perhaps the repetition should have really been the center of the poem. Looking at the concept of your poem though, it blew me away. I found myself agreeing with each line. It seems discrimination has and will always be a problem, everyone has their opinions and it's a shame how people label others based off of their sexuality, race, etc. You speak of something very relevant in today's world and you expressed it extremely well, giving the poem voice and a deep meaning. I loved the line 'the shepherd sees all his sheep equal' - really proves a strong point that nobody should be treated any different than the next person. I felt the idea of the poem really gave this poem a little more of an edge though the repetition didn't intrigue me as much. Only advice I have to offer is shortening the poem so that the repetition is a bit more evident and more of a challenge for you. Well done, though.'
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Before I Woke Up

'I had a hard time holding onto the intended mood of this poem. Some of the phrases I rather liked, like "my eyes lightened with a blaze that echoed yellow." I was lost a bit by "gem rainbows," just because I couldn't get a clear feeling of what that would be like. I would maybe suggest that the author reconsider the wording of "a night of plain yet wild romance," as it's a bit contradictory.'

'Until the final line this poem seems a romantic ditty. The ending transforms it into a longing that remains unfulfilled. The imagery is captivating: eyes echo light of yellow gemstone rainbows, lovers prepare for romance with glasses filled with light-wine. Occasionally, the required words stick out uncomfortably, such as using plain twice in the same position. On the whole, the poem is cohesive and entertaining.'

'This was a nice little poem. I found quite a few interesting things within this poem. Though this poem is quite simple compared to the other pieces submitted it still held something beautiful. I thought the repetition was used quite well; it didn't feel forced to me, and I liked how more was repeated than just the selected words. This made the stanzas seem very symmetrical. I loved how the perspective changed from the first stanza to the second, it was a nice addition and worked well I thought. I really adored the line 'a blaze that echoed yellow glassy arcs of gem rainbows' - really quite stunning! Very dreamy! A few things to point out - I didn't really like the usage of 'wordless' as it felt a little awkward to me, perhaps try using something different. I just felt like something else may sound a bit better, though wordless is a pretty hard word to replace. Another thing, I felt as though I wish should just have a period at the end rather than the ellipses. A simple approach to the challenge, which I thought the short stanzas worked best and didn't shadow the repetition. I would have liked something more original that would have made me a little more interested, but what you have worked. Very dreamy and sweet.'
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Necromancer

'I feel like I'm going to be going against some other critics in ranking this poem so low, but it just didn't recommend itself to me as much as the others. I feel like this was written by somebody who has been doing this for a while... there is thoughtfulness and an enjoyment of vocab. However, I feel like the vocabulary kind of brings the poem down. I felt like there was too much dependence on a thesaurus, when plainer language might have been more apt. There should at least be a balance between the two; when there is too much "fancy" language, it looses its intrigue and because frustrating. Some of the images were haphazard. For example, I rather liked the idea of "stained glass laughter," but I didn't feel like there was any reason for it in the poem. Perhaps if it was a part of a larger theme of personification, it would have melded better.'

'The required words cause the reader to stumble and the grammar needs improvement. Niveous is not a word, and it is hard to determine what word or sense was intended. "Hang" should be "hanging." "Who" refers back to virgin, but does not provide a subordinate phrase. On the other hand, the images are interesting, if nebulous, and the poem could have been much better if the poet had taken the time and effort to have rewritten it.'

'Of some of the other poems in this round, it was interesting to see you kind of leave the words as they were, without altering them too much. They felt a bit more natural this way, then being stretched as far as possible to come up with an original way to use them. They were a bit easier to pick out as well compared to the other poems, but you still managed to use them in your own way, of which I adored. In the first stanza 'left to right' kind of seemed most forced to me a bit though, as 'head tilts' kind of makes one of think of a left to right motion anyways - I feel it would have been a little more interesting to see these words given a little more thought, though I know they are tricky to use! I did like 'stained glass laughter' and how 'glass' was used here. I think it really helped give this line a lot of meaning. It in a way makes the poem even that more eerie after you've opened up the poem with such a eerie atmosphere with someone lingering over graves, and about to bring them up out of the dead, as you've already given us a hint with your title that they are a necromancer. A few more little things to mention - in the first stanza, I believe you meant to say 'hanging' instead of 'hang'? I wasn't quite sure of the usage of 'lest' and 'o'er' as this type of language was not used in the rest of the poem. Something to think about. I loved the idea for this poem aside from the repetition challenge.'

Congrats all.. And hard luck to the rest.
It is an amazing contest Colm.. Im hoping to see such contests from you when this is over.

Amazing work judges.

To the second judge:

Inbred means inherent: existing in someone or something as a permanent and inseparable element, quality, or attribute.

Congrats all and good luck! XD :)

Well done everyone and good luck to those who are moving forward. :D

Interesting that the poems seemed to be judged differently in regards to the prompts- at least one judge concentrated heavily on how the required words were utilised and highlighted, while another seemed to want the words to fit smoothly without notice.