Colm's Challenge Round 3 POEMS and RESULTS

Well done to the five poets in this round, all poems were submitted in good time and what was a difficult round was completed well by all! Two poets will be eliminated in this round leaving a final round of three

NOTICE: I encourage anybody who wants to comment one of these poems, send the comment to me and I will add it here.

BONUS POINTS: For the five remaining poets, there is a chance of claiming 1,2 or 3 bonus points (towards your overall total not the round total) by commenting on a poem. 3 points for an excellent comment, 2 for a good one and 1 for a decent comment (no 'one-liners,' as they say!) It is optional, if you want to do it send me the comments by pm

Ok so here are the poems, with results and comments to follow!

Poem 1
Divine Conspiracy

You, my carefully chosen compass
direct life like a brightened northern star
guiding my path closer to you
as though it's a divine conspiracy -
a soft melody dances in our hearts
it's as though we both understand
God helped us come together
and that brings an overwhelming comfort
for those darker days we shield from.
With Him on our side, we can understand
the importance of life and love,
building together with respect and faith
a solid foundation within the stars
sweeping away with romance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDA1s0Uzaq4&feature=related

____________________________________
Poem 2
Wedged

Dreams shatter into quiet visions
the more I'm in hunger for your
presence to blow me with magic
while breathing irrational harmony
that only I can sincerely understand,
but you're no longer around to feed
sentiments that are craving your breath.

I know I only move on all through sad
music, at the last division of desperate
poems that are never finished yet
constantly abandoned like me. You
were trusted to be that last person
I'd need to rest on his chest, and I
wish to believe that still.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNHe2bKS5nQ

_________________________________
Poem 3
Sunshine Comes Easily With Time

The grass grows high - The breeze pushes it about
causing it to brush her sides, covered in that
rose-print sundress. The one that he asked her
not to buy but still, it makes him smile.
Her hair - pulled up in a loose bun makes him feel at home
and she feels at home, too, as she isn't succumb to
shoes or stockings. Their hands are clasped together tightly
while they dance; spinning and keeping the sun in sight.
Laughter flies up like a flock of geese, migrates toward
the north with the breeze. Soon, though, the sky turns gray
with clouds - rain begins to fall softly and he can see
the shape of her body more clearly as the rosy
dress dampens. Looking toward the house, they contemplate
but decide to stay put. They create their own sunshine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV7L3c2J21U

_______________________________
Poem 4
These Nights, Love

These nights, love comes easily.
The air is honey-thick and steeped with Spring,
waiting to erupt. The city's lights paint the river
red, blue, gold, and the trees are lit with lanterns.
There is laughter and glasses clink on sidewalk tables
and, everywhere, everywhere, are lovers outlined
against tram windows, shop fronts, lamp posts, doorways.

These nights, I burrow into you
closer than ever. Our room is lit by stars, and
I listen to the waves of your breath, journeying
with the constellations across the window pane.
I turn my face, finally, to the warmth
of your neck, secretly kissing each tiny pulse,
until I join you in sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCQfTNOC5aE

__________________________
Poem 5
Parallel Universe

I've watched you, leaving fingerprints at the half
empty-bellied sky, pressing on as if it's a map
that might cringe, and fold, the starry cities
narrow against nightfall. Never knowing, that somewhere
our tips were two wheels of the same chariot, running
around moons, escaping a shadow of our own.

Back then, you were slipping through a paradise,
where wounds and flowers grew; golden anklets clinking
with the music of Pasar Malam, and locking
durian's scent. Still you'd smell he, who burnt
the lantern you left, at the window of welfare.

But you can press on, dearest, and seek different lights.
We'll walk barefooted on sunlit rooftops, balancing
far comelier, than drops of dreams upon eyelashes.

*A pasar malam is a street market in Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore
that opens in the evening, usually in residential neighbourhoods.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJx3qhhD9dY

The person who wrote about sunshine, you are a winner ..ya ya a winner, loved the title, lol.
Must listen to your song choice now.. anyway

sounds very interesting! Colm, one comment ?

Yes, people can comment all the poems if they want but points will only be given for one comment lol

This is gonna be a neat job for the judges, with such quality, and not to mention the frustration with checking on the syllables.

It's interesting to me but in a lot of the poems I feel a LOT of similarities!

Ya except for poem number 4...HATS OFF!!

Oh, look at that! Most of them are love/nature oriented. :)

Ah, I haven't listened to any of the pieces, but not surprised that personalised music brings forth these resonant emotions in all of us. And "You" must be the most popular character in contemporary poetry.

You're hilarious, Abby. I like it.

Results are in! Judges voted unanimously in this round, but credit must go to all five poets for completing a challenging challenge and coming out the other side with some really nice poems.

Thanks again to the judges, who are doing a great job! Three poets go through to the final round, which will be posted here shortly.

Further comments will be added soon, from a judge and from others (send me a pm if you want to comment on one of the poems.)

1st These Nights, Love (14) (14) (14) - 42pts
2rd Sunshine comes easily with time (8) (11) (11) - 30pts
3rd Divine Conspiracy (11) (5) (5) - 21pts

4th Parallel universe (2) (8) (8) - 18pts
5th Wedged (5) (2) (2) - 9pts

These Nights, Love

'The choice of an instrumental work was risky, since the charge could be made that it allows for any interpretation. However, the sentimentality of the poem clearly matches the mournful nostalgia of Duke Ellington's composition. In fact, it also mirrors the lyrics written for the tune by Mills & Kurtz.
Images and feelings evoked by "love comes easily,""honey-thick" air and "steeped in Spring" all bring a relaxed atmosphere like two lovers burrowed in a room overlooking gaiety and mirth below. The use of lighting dove tails nicely with the lyrics where "stars come thru my room" with "flame that lights the gloom." The quiet moment before sleep overcomes the speaker is almost too precious, but is shown in mature light by the comfort she finds in the pulse of her lover's neck. The vignette is well painted and you can hear saxophones drifting up from the nightclubs between each line.'

'Very sentimental, just as the title of classical piece suggests. Also quite relaxing and makes you close your eyes while listening closely. The tone was easily felt throughout the poem, very soft at the end, gently fading, definitely went well with falling asleep with the one you love. You feel that sense of love, comfort, security and so many different emotions throughout. I wasn't quite sure if 'everywhere, everywhere' was a typo - it seemed as though it didn't make sense to repeat it. Lovely imagery all around, truly a gorgeous piece. Kind of leaves me speechless without much to say. This poem stood out to me the most; a clear winner.'

'As a poem, I liked this one the best. I thought the poem fit the dreamy, balmy, sensual tone of the music. It's laid back and intimate. I thought it was nice that the poet chose an instrumental poem. It allows for a translation of mood, without the possibility of lyrics forcing a particular meaning. This poet has a way of using language both sparingly and freshly. There are no ostentatious words, there is just a deft balance of language.'

'So this poet is tricky with their music as well. I couldn't actually listen to the full song because personally jazz music makes me grind my teeth, but I thought the poem worked perfect with that kind of music. The poem reminded me of an older time, more traditional, which could be because of the music, but the idea of the first stanza really just wrapped it all together for me. This and #3 are my favorites for sure.'

''Brilliant btw! Great music, less words, and you had to go with your own creativity and hunt the words behind the music, that was my 1st and foremost impression!
Now before I opened the link, I read the poem and what impressed me the most was your colorful words in your 2nd stanza, and absolutely creative expressions in your 1st one. This must be the cleverest between all our submissions, each line stood as a poem itself no exaggeration.
However, the punctuation pissed me off, I am enjoying some of the unique lines and suddenly I pause, then I read, then i pause, and most of the times it was not needed, commas were overused.
That was my only black point, a classical poem, very romantic, and for me, the music relates to your words 100 %!'
___

Divine Conspiracy

'Well crafted and nearly matched to the song. Blake Shelton's song, God Gave Me You, has more of a sense that the woman is his salvation, bringing him back from his degeneracy, while the poem is more a celebration of the poet's relationship. Nonetheless, the message is well put in terms such as "carefully chosen compass," "brightened north star" and "overwhelming comfort." The protagonist is one who fully appreciates a strong independent woman and is willing to accompany her as an equal, evincing the same sentiment as the song. The poem could benefit from punctuation, but otherwise it feels right and unforced.'

'I think the writer here not only brought a bit of the tone into this piece of that romantic feel, but more so focused on the lyrics and how they were laid out, and made their poem a replica of that. For example - in the song he says 'You, an angel lovely' and 'You, my carefully chosen compass' seemed quite similar just written in a different sense, a different idea. They also emphasized the idea very well that God brought them together. I thought the ideas of this poem with the compass directing them to this person was lovely, which in a way brought some emotion into the poem. The tone could have perhaps been more incorporated here though. The tone is very comforting and fills you up with love, happiness, and hope, and you do see this throughout the poem, but, I somewhat feel this poem is missing something and I can't quite pick out what that is. One positive thing though about this song and poem is that I don't think anyone would feel any differently when listening to the song, which is great, compared to a song that perhaps has no lyrics, of which can make someone feel so many different emotions at once, but with this one I feel it's quite simple. A soft tone, conveying love which is very evident in your words. While looking at the second part of the challenge - syllable wise was on point and helped with the flow & definitely strengthened the poem. Nicely done, I liked your approach to the challenge though it seemed different from the other poems.'

'I thought this poem actually could have used a splash of more traditionally 'poetic' wording and imagery. By that, I mean that while the language is soft and flowing, there is something that keeps it reading more like prose than poetry. I did think the submission was sweet and earnest, which is quite endearing to read. I also felt that it was a good match for the tone of the song that inspired it.'

'I think the idea of the poem matched together with the idea of the song, but the song had a much softer feel than the poem did, I thought. It had the same idea, same longing, but I don't feel the tone necessarily matched. The poem felt much heavier, and the song, probably due to Jessica Simpson's neverending 'breathy' whispers make it feel like it's more of a sensual loss than a love loss, if that makes sense. The poem itself was still a great poem, and the emotions were very strong here.'
___

Sunshine Comes Easily With Time

'Another choice based on an instrumental piece, this one is not bad either, taking inspiration from "Bella Kiss" by John Lowery a.k.a. John 5. The lilting play of optimism in Bella Kiss is well reflected in the poem but the energy doesn't quite match the drive and tempo of the song. Still, the scene depicted is well described and gives the reader the sense that the song could be playing in the background. Phrases such as "spinning and keeping the sun in sight" and "they create their own sunshine" evoke intimacy even in exuberance. The recurring focus on the rose print dress is effective and charming. Some phrases are stilted, though, such as "she isn't succumb to shoes or stockings." The poet violates the rules three times by allowing 14 syllables in lines 6, 11 and 14.'

'One of the stronger poems written this round. I felt this writer understood and executed the challenge perfectly. I loved the choice in music and how some of the lines in your poem reflected that of the different notes in the song. 'The grass grows high' perhaps being at the point of high note, whereas 'while they dance; spinning and keeping the sun in sight' being the climax, a shift in the song, 'rain begins to fall softly' seemed to match well with the ending of the song when the music becomes lighter. I think the writer struggled a bit with the strict syllables. Though the lines were for the most part the same length, I felt in a way it cut some ideas off since only so many syllables were allowed in each line - so certain ideas had to be carried to the next line. Poetically wise, this is an extremely excellent piece. I absolutely adored the concept - truly beautiful in so many ways.'

'When I listened to this song while reading the poem, it struck me that the words and the music fit very well together. It was almost like watching a music video, because I could see the poem's images so clearly. I felt like the strongest phrase of the poem was 'Laughter flies up like a flock of geese and migrates toward / the north with the breeze. It's a simile that I've never heard before, but it doesn't just have novelty, it also fits appropriately. The phrase 'she isn't succumb' is awkward; I wonder if there was a typo or a misplaced word. Besides that instance, I thought this poem showed clarity and style.'

'This poet is tricky! I never thought of using a song with NO LYRICS, and bam! This person nailed it. I think this and #4 are my favorite of the bunch, I really like where it went. The melody of the music matched perfectly with the words, I thought. It all sounded kind of an old-school twisted country (not country music, but country living), and when I read the poem first, I got the same impression. I thought it worked perfectly. I really like that ending 'They create their own sunshine'. The poet did a nice job with the lines, I thought it read a bit funny the first time I read through, but ended up growing on me.'

'I read all the poems with and without their music links. Without its music, this poem was still one of my favourites. With its music, it was even better. I think, with a prompt like this, it is smarter to go for an instrumental piece rather than one with lyrics to avoid the inherent bias that would inflict. To me, this poem was the best in terms of being able to focus on the purity of the music itself, thereby emulating its tone. It was fresh, light, sweet and upbeat with a natural, acoustic feel. I can hear the laughter, the breeze flapping at her skirt, the barefooted dancing on the sunlit grass. The music spins, they spin, and the picture is painted perfectly. I thought the actual structure of the song was also reflected well in the poem- the smiling start, the geese in flight, the graying of the sky, the uncertainty, and then the decision to continue dancing- it's all there, to the lovely last line. The only part that sat slightly at odds with me was the "he can see the shape of her body more clearly as the rosy dress dampens" bit, but otherwise a great piece of work.'
___

Wedged

'This poem should have been great. It feels forced in so many places, though, that the whole crumbles into banality. The song choice is equally incongruous, where Jessica Simpson's song When You Told Me You Loved Me is mismatched with a hodgepodge of clips from Britney Spears videos. The brilliant phrase "dreams shatter into quiet visions" is likewise degraded by the follow up "I'm in hunger for your presence to blow me with magic." To have such genius mismatched with two abysmal images is as bad as the video. The syntax is poor also in the second stanza: "I only move on all through sad music" and "the last person I'd need to rest on his chest." The rules are violated once in the last line with only 6 syllables. The poem matches both the feeling of betrayal of Jessica Simpson's singing and the terrible lip-synching of Britney in the video.'

'This song had such a melancholic tone to it and thought it was a wonderful choice. When reading your poem I felt that sadness, but didn't feel it matched up to the amount portrayed in the song. The lyrics are extremely heart breaking, and I was hoping to really have my heart aching a bit more when reading your poem. I must say, however, that a few phrases and lines did help me feel the tone slightly. 'You're no longer around to feed sentiments that are craving your breath' was truly lovely and full of sadness. Also, the bit about poems that weren't finished because they had been abandoned, just like you had been added to the tone. Just like the poem 'Divine Conspiracy', the syllable count helped with the flow quite nicely here - but once again, I think your poem fell a little short on incorporating how the tone impacted you and making it reflect in the poem. I would have absolutely loved to have scored this higher if I could, but I felt the other poems were a little bit stronger.'

'I thought this poem had some good feeling, but that it complicated language where it ought to have simplified. I think there is an overcrowding of adjectives. Quiet visions, irrational harmony, etc. I think a spot of light shows through the verbiage with the phrase 'poems that are never finished yet / constantly abandoned like me.' This is concept that was more fresh and pure, and could possible even be extended into a metaphor for a whole poem.'

'This song obviously means a lot to the writer, however, the poem itself did not add anything substantially new to the message that the lyrics already portrayed. It would be great as a wedding vow, just as the song could be a wedding song. However, I think the challenge of this round was to try to evoke the same tone, not the message, of the song, thereby conveying its emotions in a more indirect way. Unfortunately, I felt this poem failed to do that.'
___

Parallel Universe

'This poem does not relate to the song, or, if so it is so oblique as to be irrelevant. Kerli's anthem to persevere in the face of adversity and solitude is matched to a message of admiration to the poet's love object and plea that she see the poet in love's light.
With regard to the poem, much of the language is stilted and uncomfortable, broken by moments of gentle brilliance. "Leaving fingerprints at the half empty-bellied sky" does not have the romance that a word choice other than 'bellied' would have yielded. Cringe, wounds, tips, welfare, locking, and comelier are all inferior word choices for their contexts. Punctuation is off in places that interrupt the flow, especially throughout the first four lines. On the other hand, images evoked by "drops of dreams upon eyelashes" and walking "barefooted on sunlit rooftops" make the read worthwhile.'

'I wasn't quite sure how to feel with this piece, since it was sung in a different language of which I knew nothing about. I found it hard to connect to such a song, and gather the tone of the piece because of this. However, after looking up the lyrics I was able to understand the song a bit more and was able to feel at least some emotion. To me the tone seemed rather sad in the beginning but ended up being quite soft and comforting, bringing hope. It was incorporated excellently within the poem in the last stanza particularly, as the reader gives you such beautiful imagery. I loved so many of the phrases used throughout the poem, they were quite original and really brought the poem full circle for me. I really loved how some of them reflected the title and meaning of the poem to 'Stay Golden' - sunlit rooftops, starry cities, golden anklets clinking, etc. Well done!'

'I thought the mood of the song totally lended itself to the poem. The first time I read the poem, I had a bit more trouble figuring out the specific tone intended, but I thought the song brought out those real similarities. Some of the images were really striking: I loved the image of wounds growing along with flowers in a garden. I was also fond of the celestial map theme that cropped up several times in the first stanza. While I wished for more clarity in some parts, I thought the poem fit well with the dreamy, ethereal music.'

'I didn't understand a word the singer was singing and couldn't find an English translation, so I feel my comment won't really work no matter what I say.. lol. It sounded like it should be a sad song, then it could be a love song, and I just don't know. I assume sad because of the poem. I liked parts of the poem, other parts were a bit boring for me and overdone with adjectives that made it feel the writer was trying to fit in the correct syllables. 'barefooted' sounds weird, I would've used 'barefoot', as it means the same thing. The extra ed gave it a wordy feel. I do like the first four lines and thought those were the best of the poem, but the rest of it was just bland for me. :/'

'How clever to choose a song in a foreign language and try to interpret its emotions that way (unless the writer is simply Estonian)! This seems like a love and loss poem, interestingly told, and suits the tone of the song quite well. However, the images being conveyed, despite being made of pretty words, were often unclear and clashing to me. It seems that this writer has a love of language and can use it uniquely, but it might have been wiser to focus on simpler and more concrete imagery to connect better with the reader in this instance.'

These judges have a great way of laying out criticism in a tactful, interesting way. I like your judges!

"Also, to make it more interesting, the poem has to be 14 LINES LONG, and 7-13 syllables per line. No more no less. "

I thought a certain poem didnt adhere to this rule, nevertheless, congrats to those who are moving forward.

Thanks for pointing it out, I see it now too. Its actually my mistake, I posted the wrong one, the poet had made ammendments but I copyed and pasted the old one that I had saved on word that had the 14 syllables.

I let that poet make the small changes, they thought it was 7-14 syllables and I didnt see any point in disqualifying them after getting so far. And it was before the deadline. Ill put in the proper one now, sorry for any confusion caused

Tsk, Tsk Colm!

Okay, you're forgiven. lol

Just had a read, and I agree, these judges give very thoughtful comments. However, they judged very differently to me. I thought the challenge was focussed on the tone of the music, and not the lyrics/video. Often, the lyrics are written by someone completely different to the composer. It surprised me that the judges were sometimes comparing how well the poem's words mimicked the original lyrics, even going so far as to research them if they were not given with the song. However, I know it is hard to think of a song as separate to its lyrics.

I especially admire those who wrote poems about songs that already had words- I can't imagine how hard it would have been to do directly. A song is already a poem of sorts, a complete little package of another human's thoughts. It is challenging to then repackage that as your own.

Great round, participants and judges, and I look forward to seeing the other readers' comments.

^ Yes very true, I agree, as much as I was in love with the thoughtfulness I did not get why one of the judges compared the video of the utube, by Brittney spears to something about the poem, I have the song on my PC, and I only brought that link up for the judges to know what song I picked, no one asked for the original clip, I did not even check the one I sent for colm. As the contest revolves around the song itself, not the utube/clip and how that made us feel.

Hence to compare the contradiction one of the judges felt in "Wedged" with how bad the clip (or contradictory) was out of logic , though I do agree the poem sucked, I am not the type of people who forces poetry and to write about a written song is not me, definitely not my comfort zone, all my poems are real events and I knew I will write something horrible. So though I agree with each single word said, and think judges were honestly very fair, but that part about the clip of the utube I brought for the judges and the poem itself, was just very weird for me to read.

Yep, it's a toughie. I can imagine that writing for a contest, where you have to please three unique judges, is very different to just writing for the generality. That's what hopefully makes it so exciting.

Great contest, Colm. Having such a variety of judges always keeps things interesting.

Ya indeed the last round is such a pain..can't wait to read the entries!

New comments have been added

Psst, the last comment on 'Divine Conspiracy' belongs to Wedged I think :)

Lol and i think the last comment on wedged belongs to Divine conspiracy, definitely NOT a wedding song, that could lead to a very tragedic outcome :p, if it was so..