Scared of getting everything I want...

Ok, so for the last 4 years I've been working and giving everything I am to get to one goal, to finally make that one goal come true in my personal relationships. It's everything I want. My boyfriend and I have been trying to manage to move to the same location for 4 years, we've fought for it, given up so much, been through so much, to make our goal happen. We've tried to make this happen many times but things just didn't work. It's hurt so much every time plans didn't work.

Now, we're making plans again to try to make it work. If things go like we're hoping, finally, then we'll be together, living in the same house, by Christmas.

I know I should be excited that we've got a date to focus on but honestly...instead of being happy about it I'm honestly really scared. Scared to hope, scared to dream that it'll work, scared of the pain of it not working out again.

Is there something wrong with me? I love this man so much, I want to finally be living in the same house with him instead of hundreds of miles, but everytime he brings it up or wants to plan something for once we're together, like what family to spend the holidays with, instead of being excited, happy or involved in it I keep finding myself pulling away, acting like I don't care and don't want to talk about it and I know that it bothers and hurts him that I do that.

Is that horrible of me? I keep thinking I'm a horrible person and a bad girlfriend to feel this way. But I'm scared to let myself hope but what if by preparing myself for disappointment so it doesn't hurt as bad I make it happen somehow? I guess I just don't know how to handle it or balance it at all and I'd really appreciate any help or suggestions. I'm afraid that by trying to protect myself from more pain I'll actually do more damage...

No... not at all. It's scary, change always is. Especially that you've failed a lot of times and now you're used to failure that you wonder if it's really worth it, or if you really want it anymore. It takes time to accept change, and I'd tell you to take it easy and one step at a time. If you get this place take your time to move it, don't do it all at once. Try sleeping there one night a week, then one in every three days, then you can move in completely... don't do it all at once. Hopefully, it will go well and you'll be ok... just don't worry about it so much and start thinking about things like imagining yourself there, the walls and all. Prepare yourself and take it easy.

Thank you Dark Secrets, I really appreciate it. Sometimes it really does get to me to the point that it's almost panic, which I know is absolutely ridiculous. Makes it hard since I feel guilty if I bring it up with my boyfriend since he already feels guilty about it. I know it's still what I want but sometimes I do wonder if it's worth the pain or if I can handle disappointment again.

If things work out the way we hope then he'll be traveling here to stay with me for a while, probably a week or so, since we haven't seen each other in a long time before I go back with him to where he lives. Hopefully that'll help some and I can always travel back home if I need to for a while. Takes about 7 hours to drive between where I live and him so chances are I won't be able to do it in stages but I'll definitely try to take it in steps.

Guess it is just the fear of the unknown. Thank you for reassuring me I'm not totally crazy or absolutely horrible