Winners 2/10/2012

Hey everyone, Congratulations for the three winners, impressive poems! Congratulations for the rest of the H'Ms,,,we have plenty of you this week!
I tried to put things in a way not to confuse you, there will be lots of names in the list; we had a tie between Larry, Sarah, and Melpomene...the tie was broken with 4 additional points by a sub judge and the vote went for Larry.

So well done for the 3 of you guys, you all did awesome jobs with your talent.

Welcome back to the front page poetess "Noura XD"

Votes:

Me versus a Daydream
by The Poetess - 10+7=17 points

Flowers (edit)
by Jordan 7+10 =points.

Hollow Men
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather 10+4=14

Follow the leader.
By Pinkyprincess 10 points

Only When You're Dreaming
by Melpomene 10 points

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**H'Ms with seven points**:
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Sleep is love
by Sam Barnd - 7 points

Where am I
by Anna Stevens 7 points

The Clockworks
by Timothy 7 points

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**H'Ms with four points**:
--------------------------

The River
by Christoper 4 points

But wait..there's more
by Hellon 4 points

Luna
by Lebanese Phoenix - 4 points

Once upon a Moonlight
by Lonely Rider 4 points

Abomination
by Kiko - 4 points

COMMENTS:

Me versus a Daydream
by The Poetess - 10 points

Was this poem influenced by Salvador Dali's work by any chance? If not you're probably thinking what an odd question but I do have a reason for asking.

This poem uses similar elements once perfected by Dali when creating art. The surreal environment and the day dream atmosphere were painted beautifully
with your imagery. You had a way with words that was not only elegant in depicting your concept but it exposed a little piece of you too. Tigers were
also symbolic in his art and the title of this piece reminded me of something he'd name his work.

I liked how your wording here:

"and tigers can never deny their
lines, can they?"

It was a fresh way of saying a leopard can't change its spots. I feel as though you chose tiger because you felt it would suit your personality better. I mean you could of said a zebra can't deny their lines, or a different animal but tigers are known to be symbolic of unpredictability and while you might not be an unpredictable person by nature the fact that you're a day dreamer says a lot about you. They too are unpredictable.

This poem definitely has deeper depth to it. To me it was about trying to change who and where you are but you can't deny yourself, no matter how hard you try.

You had some wonderful contrasting images which was brought me to this idea. For example you mention painting your skin, you're painting it to disguise who you are and the fact you're painting it with somewhere different led me to believe that you're attempting to be someplace else, longing to be anywhere else really.

Then of course the metaphor about the tiger was the next image that led me to my assumption.
---

I think the best way to praise this poem, is to go straight to its interpretation, as it is a difficult one, another metaphorical beauty spun from the creative pen of the Poetess.

How trite it would taste
if I begin to paint you in blue and white
along my flesh, Atlantic

^How imaginative, this poetess is, and not at all "trite (=dull, stereotyped or archaic)" in her expression....is the first thing that bemused me when reading this poem. I would have thought she would have used "novel" (an antonym to trite) here to describe the Atlantic Ocean's beauty. But, then I had to think much deeper to try to interpret this in light of what could be going around her. I suspect that this is just her satirical foreword to the deeper layer painted below, of a picture of the turmoil going on in her lands today.

your sunburnt waves
laving
my matted inside
sunk in salty lotions and furious
interferences. Me, seeking
a dress of relief among your dimensions

^ depicting the harshness of the season in these parts (Mediterranean sea, some consider a part of the Atlantic) that can be scorching hot during certain parts of the year....I experienced it last year. Certainly, laving (=ignited; glowing with heat; burning) and matted (=tangled) insides are unique simile's used here to describe the "furious interferences" (=turmoil) going on around her. I thought the Poetess will also go on to use the myth of the Greek wind god Aeolus, keeper of the winds, corralling the children of Astraeu, that give names to the harsh drying winds blowing across the Mediterranean most of the year, to reflect more deeply in to the state of bedlam too, but she stopped short. Certainly, one has to find a way out, if caught in the midst of scathing heat and winds,

(i.e. revolution/civil war) to stay alive (=survive the outcome), as presented here:

or finding myself;
unscathed and sparkling
midway, culminating away
from
death.

But
you're the ocean,
I'm just a passenger
and tigers can never deny their
lines, can they?

^And the humility of being a passenger (=passerby), caught in the vast ocean (=the chaos), is perhaps being reflected here : "tigers (=evil, Satan)
can never deny their lines (=ferociousness), can they", as an unrest reshapes her homeland, much to her chagrin. I wonder the title "Me versus a Daydream", could be the same as "Me and my nightmare."

But, I have a little advice here, if my interpretation is at all correct.....sometimes it is wise to stay out of the tiger's way, as they do not spare their prey, by their size or looks.....to them, you are just a prey,
on their dinner plate, when they are hungry.
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Hollow Men
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

Holy crap, this is good. No, great!

First: Congrats for taking on (and succeeding) T.S. Eliot in this glosa. He's a tough cookie to crack sometimes, from what I can remember.

Second: I really liked the rhyme scheme, which is unusual. I am generally very critical of poems that rhyme, but you nailed this one. I especially liked your use of slant rhymes in stanza 2, as well. It shook things up just the right amount.

Third: What an excellent form! The whole thing was so well orchestrated, partly on your behalf alone I'm sure, but you really used the full potential of the glosa to say what you needed to say.

I dunno what else I can say...this was a gem. Honest. (10)

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tie breaker comment:

"The quote at the beginning of this poem was a tasteful way to lead into a prolific poem.
The Irish in the poet shined brightly. I was able to decipher the "ye olde" feel before reading the annotation at the bottom of the page, which just goes to show what an excellent job Larry did matching meaning to style. Very well done, sir ;) A piece of work any man, young or old, could benefit from reading and taking to heart."
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Flowers (edit)
by Jordan - )

After extensive searching through your poems list trying to find the original pieces dated "2010-08-30" I realized you didn't have them on your account
and frankly I feel a little cheated! If you have the originals I'd really like to read them; I know you incorporated two poems together but I'm now curious as to what else you changed.

What I enjoyed about this poem was the contrast, you had some really stunning images and idea's contrasted against tragic emotions. A lot of the time I'll admit repetition can drive me mad but you really littered it throughout here, it was all over the place
and I was surprised at how much I enjoy it.

To say I know the exact meaning of this poem to you would be a lie but I did get a couple of different meanings from it and these are the poems I like, poems that let the reader direct it a little. You began with broken bones which made me think you were in that state before death, the one where they say your life flashes past your eyes. You gave the flowers human characteristics so nice use of personification but in saying that they were unrealistic which again led me to the idea of flashes before death, seeing things you wouldn't normally see. Towards the end it seemed more like the 'she' you speak of wasn't around anymore, that you were taken into this mind s
tate because she wasn't around anymore.

I'm curious as to why you mentioned 'orange peels' I felt this was symbolic but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. You connected orange peels to flowers and of course this could have been nice imagery for orange flowers but I just felt like there was more. I really adored the incorporation of the scent of orange peels; something familiar and comfortable to most (except dogs!)

This poem was thought provoking and as I mentioned I'd like to see the originals, I feel they might give me some insight when looking at this poem.

--
I like to see how this poet plays with his poems by breaking up continuous thoughts into different stanzas, or by (I think) interspersing detached images within other ones. This poem does not have the traditional, vaguely defined "flow" that people seem to talk about. Instead, the layout keeps the reader on their toes, working to connect images separated by spaces and other thoughts. The opening stanza was great. I loved the repetition and the almost run-on sentence effect of "...they burnt up like kerosene
./ They burnt/up and like all good things..." The repetition in this poem feels measured and intentional, rather than due to any lack of creativity. This poet knows what they're doing.

----------------------
Only When You're Dreaming
by Melpomene 10 points

What can I say, a love poem, like none other that I have read, written with a touch of sensuality to an ex- Valentine on this day. Sadness laced in sweet tantalizing luscious words, is like sticking a sharp knife dipped in honey in to an ex-'s heart. It is absolutely killing. Yes, when the heart grieves, in a loss, the pen can really spin out a beauty, from the musings of a poet's heart. This verse is full of honey sweetened words, laced with reminisces of emotions unfulfilled from the inside depths of female sensuality. Amorous, would be the best way to describe such poetic power. A Venetian vulnerability, personified with vernal vivaciousness, without voluptuous or vitriolic vulgarity.

I never thought I'd tell you this but I'd describe my soul as vulgar as a lust driven night, between the brass tones and barely recognizable bones, somewhere in my rebirth I lost my spine.

Dear Valentine, you'll never read this but I get comfort
knowing my promises linger on your skin like spilt sugar, that your breath still dances with mine when you're dreaming,

but only when you're dreaming.

^There may be immense sadness in a loss like this, but when gentle (lusting)
words are threaded prodigiously, can even the God of Love resist them? Whether
Eros can ever find such a poetic femme fatale, anywhere? We will have to wait and see. (10)
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The Clockworks
by Timothy

I just have one simple thing to say: I don't care what your poetry is about. It just looks and sounds great.

If you had a clearer voice and message, it might be worth a 10. But imagery has it's values too, and when it comes to imagery and making a sonically pleasing poem, you knock your competitors out of the park. (7)
----------------------

Sleep is love - Sam Barnd - 7

Here is a poem whose strength rests on the freshness of its idea, rather than on complex wording and structure. A fluidity of language is there (try reading it aloud, it's lovely), but the "craft" is subtle and understated, which lends itself to the clarity of this poem. If the poet had used more complicated language, the meaning might have been inscrutable.
As it stands, the mellow complexity of the philosophy behind the piece shines through more readily. I'm almost hoping that "unttached" is intentional, because I kind of like it.

-----------------------

Abomination - - Kiko - 4

Kiko might be managing to turn me on to political poetry. He's showing some of the raw power available to it. I thought this poem was deftly done. Without knowing any background for the subject matter, I was able to get a feeling for what was happening, and what the poet's stance on it was. It has the idea of a just God, reprimanding those who would do atrocities in his name. That's something we can all respond to as readers, but even apart from the message, the poem shows artistic prowess and an ability to articulate a distinct subject.
----------------------
Luna
by Lebanese Phoenix - 4 points

To say this poem is dark is one thing but this really pushes some of the barriers. What I'm saying here is the poem is thought-provoking you had me changing my mind quite a few times on what the concept was about. I went back and forth quite a few times but I enjoyed it, I like poems that let the readers mind direct them. You left this open to many possibilities.

In some instances I felt like you were exposing things that are generally well hidden. You've spoken bluntly without the chaotic language that would generally fill a poem with such concept. This was intentional though. You wanted readers thoughts to be taken to the very darkest places in their mind, even if this wasn't were you'll end up directing it in the end.

The term "organic" was nice and fresh, it was a clever way to depict this Luna character. To me it forms the idea of being "untouched" and "ripe" again darker images. The red apple has been symbolic for so long that you know what one is speaking of here automatically; the idea of sin. It's a common concept but you contrasted this nicely against the images of innocence. The word 'organic' also reminds me of fresh, so at the same time I began to ponder if you were saying this girl is untouched by idea's, she's not
been effected by society yet and for that she is pure.

This piece leaves open a lot of questions, what happens to Luna? Does she grow up being still organic and fresh or does society twist her to the darker side of the moon. Interesting concepts.

----------------------

The River
by Christopher

I really like the story. It's pleasant. Overall, the poem felt like an extended haiku. From this poem alone, I'd say you have a knack for writing about nature.

The more I think about it, this poem feels almost like a painting...even though there was a lot of motion and noise, I felt a lot of stillness here.

I liked the last line a lot. It makes for a great close. (4)

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Once upon a Moonlight by Lonely Rider 4 points

I would repeat my comment here from last week, as this still remains a potential winner, in my eyes.
A beautiful nature poem, painting nature's beauty of the night sky in all its splendor. Stylish, creative and eye-catching, with a lot of appeal to the nature enthusiast. Undeniably, an eye-catching opening stanza:

Fireflies melt
into moon-eyed shadows
howling lullabies
of nocturne,

Fireflies that melt (=disappear) in moon eyed shadows, with "howling" in a forest, captured as "lullabies" of "nocturne'" (=a beautiful nightscene)
is amazingly worded and captures the sounds and sights of a night in a forest, beautifully for the reader. Lastly, the last 2 stanza's capturing the beauty of the night sky in Greek mythology, are superb:
The woods were lovely,
once,

when the night
R
..O
....L
.....L
......E
.......D

D
O
W
N
a blueberry sky,
while Venus kissed
gurgling fountains,
and Sirius picked
wild mushrooms.

A visually pleasing effect ^ "rolled down" as if a curtain was lifted of a theater screen from the night sky, revealing the color of a "blueberry", seems so original and lovely. Venus kissing gurgling fountains reminds me of the extraordinary Palazzo Venus Fountain, in Rome, which features the Goddess of Love with water trickling down from her pitcher
and encircling fountains from below her feet, mesmerizing to the visitor. But Sirius, the 2 headed hunting dog of Orion, picking mushrooms (since when did he become vegetarian? )...that one had me laughing all the way! I guess, in a poet's eyes anything is possible :) A heavenly poem that caught my "nature" eye again this week. (4)

SOME COMMENTS ARE MISSING [waiting for the judges, couldn't wait much longer, neither make the rest of you wait]

Thanks for the win, tie-breaker & all. Thanks for the insightful comments.

Congratulations to Noura & Jordon. Wonderful poems.
Congratulations to Mel and Sara whose poems probably should have graced the front page rather than mine.
However, since this is my first non-collab win, I'll take it & run ;-)

Congratulations to the PMs, thanks to the judges for their hard efforts & to Nana, who takes an insanely difficult task & continues to make it seem so easy!

The poems were awesome and it was a well deserved win by all!!! Congrats to the winners, ties and HM's!!!

Oh Larry all your poems should be on the front page, and for Jordan, he is my man, I read his love poems and then...THE CRUSH Lol na seriously all the poems were amazing, I think it was a tough week for the judges

Congratulations to everyone~ The poems were awesome :-)

Way to go Noura.. awesome Kite Runner!
and congrats errybody!

Congratulations everyone!

Congratulations everyone!!! :] The poems were incredible and the judges simply blow me away with all their effort!!

Congrats everyone!

Congrats to everyone!

Thank you very much for the win, guys. It really means a lot to be ranked alongside Larry's and Noura's poems...they're great works of art.

I've been skimming through and heavily editing a few old poems here and there as of late. It's good to see that my revisions have seen good reviews!

To the judges: sorry, I deleted them and don't have backups. Didn't realize until I did my most recent edit. :(

Congrats all winners ! Well done

Congratulations winners and HM :)
Kudos to the judges for their time and effort :)
and thanks again for the mention :D

More comments:

Follow the leader By Pinkyprincess

An intriguing descriptive poem, relating the power one can have over another. Excellent word choice and use of metaphor giving a richness that, using your one of your words, is intoxicating. I like how you kept the same theme in the first and last stanzas, while the two middle stanza's show your inner turmoil recognising you are lost with no way out.
A powerful and persuasive poem well done, 10 points

I am from the olden days By Anna Stephens

I loved the theme of this poem , I could almost smell your grandmothers kitchen. This poem is so earthy and real in this fake world of ours full of imitation this and that. Where respect is gone, my take on the "f" bomb reference. I think many of us would like to see a big part of this back in society, but we know there is no going back and the mighty dollar rules. The poem has a bright tone yet an underlying sadness that would touch soul of many. 7 points

BUT WAIT....THERE'S MORE, By Hellon

Great to see a humorous poem nominated for a change, its bright and snappy and flows really well, with the rhyme not overly forced, I must say i didn't expect the old cat to meet a grisly end but you carried it off really well and finished i twith with a twang, well done Aussie chick 4 points

Congratulations to winners (Sir Larry, Poetess and Jordan) and all the HM's for the well deserved wins and mentions.

Would it not be wonderful, if the winners and HM Poets/Poetesses discussed their interpretation of their poetry, or the thoughts behind their art in this thread, so as to give us a little more insight into their work.

Yes...I'd like to see that...

Excellent idea .........good for development of poets

I'd like to see that with Jordon & Noura, but it seems to me that Hollow men is a WYSIWYG: about as straightforward already as I could otherwise describe.

I'm down. I love artistic exercises.

It's been a couple of years since I wrote the original poems that I updated and my thoughts tend to be fleeting...but let's give this a shot, shall we? -cracks knuckles- (that's mostly a joke).

Flowers

"Broken bones."
^^^
The poem begins with pain. Which is present throughout, but never explicit.
----------------------------------

"I saw flowers
falling from the sky;
they burnt up like kerosene."
^^^
I used flowers because they are purely beautiful but also very delicate. They blossom and are picture perfect when they do, but within a short time end up wilted ('burnt up'). Kerosene, again, burns fairly quickly. A very short-lived fuel.

As you can see there's a lot of 'short-lived' beauty. Flowers, fire, passion. This is how I view love based on relationships that I've experienced. Better than anything else, but never long enough.
----------------------------------

"They burnt
up and like all good things,
they smiled."
^^^
used odd enjambment here ('up and like all good things') to put emphasis on the prep. rather than the verb or subject. I went through a phase where I loved doing this.
--------------------------------

"While they died,
those flowers,
they smiled."
^^^
To me, a good strong person accepts fate and when things come to an end there is a feeling of comfort that comes from being at peace.
---------------------------------

"Petals were falling like
orange peels.
Leaving my hands smelling like
orange peels."
^^^
The weight of what is going on in the poem changes - the flower petals become heavy. Orange peels because they sort of resemble petals (neat peelings, anyway lol) but are heavier and will fall faster. This detracts from the beauty of the flowers a bit while still keeping the imagery pleasant and fresh. Mostly, though, I think it was just a factor of stream-of-conciousness writing.
------------------------------------

"I keep on telling that story. I feel
it reminds me of the time
I made you mine.

Smile better with age
like a fine wine.

Mine."
^^^
Repetition of 'mine' to emphasize the feeling of loss.
-----------------------------

"Wait. Looking up,
you flick your hair and I see
flowers.
That grin...
You."
^^^
'Looking up.' You'll notice that in a lot of my love poetry I'll place female characters on a pedestal. This is true here, too. The narrator looks up to that pedestal where she still is. In his eyes, she'll always be better and more important than he is.
------------------------------

"You turn and walk away.
Haunt me."
^^^
It's over. She has left. "Haunt me" has a double entendre here.

It is meant to represent the haunting that is going on...the memories (the inspiration for the poem). The original line was something like "You turn and walk away, haunting me."

I used the imperative "haunt me," to once again give the female extra power. The narrator is weak. It is a request. A plea. If the subject of the poem does not haunt the narrator by remaining in his life, then his mind will do the work. He wants to continue to feel the memories and the mixture of emotional pain and pleasure that he gets from dwelling on these things.
-------------------------------------------

Also, if there's any repetition that I didn't explain, it's most likely just a factor of my thought processes. I tend to ruminate thoughts a lot. This comes out in my writing through repetition. It's pretty well omnipresent in my work although I tend to use it in a controlled way. I even prefer forms that incorporate repetition if I choose to write a structured poem.

So yeah, I think that's the best I can do. That's the first time I've ever really laid out one of my poems. You've all seen a glimpse of my brain. Hope it wasn't too awkward or scary!

Excellent!

Thank you judges for your hard work, thank you Sunshine for your efforts. I feel honored to be with Larry and Jordan on the front page!

CONGRATS TO ALL!!
Loved the wins this week.
Awesome pieces
xxxx

Looks like Noura and others who have had wins and HM's may want to read my suggestion above on discussing their art...^

Thank you Jordan, for providing us a nice interpretation.

This was discussed months ago and it was agreed that winners can discuss their poems. But it is voluntary, its their poem and its up to them if they want to discuss it or not.

That being said, Jordan, it was interesting to read your rationale. And I almost forgot, congrats everybody! :)

OK, inspired by Jordan, I offer the following:

Hollow Men - Glosa

Cabeza:
"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!"
- from The Hollow Men, T. S. Elliot (1925)

First, I found irony that the glosa requires a quotation from the original, for Elliot himself started the Hollow Men with a reference to Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness: "Mistah Kurtz--he dead. A penny for the Old Guy." I believe that Elliot used those lines to starkly contrast Kurtz, the penultimate man of action, with the Hollow Men subject of his work. The fact that Kurtz' actions are horrendous mattered less than the fact he took Action.

I wanted the glosa to capture the major elements of Elliot's poem: individuality, purpose, responsibility and action.

"In a world of mediocrity
a true individual will shine
like a beacon onto the sea
"visible for all ships to see."
The image of the first stanza I had in my mind was the Colossus of Rhodes. The edifice served as a beacon to bring ships to safety, yet at the same time it signified the power of individuality.

"Only those who eschew 'mine'
stake their own place, then
they stand dry and free
not at mercy to the brine;"
A true individual has found his focus to be within, so that the quest to defend his position in the eyes of the world recedes; the metaphor is reinforced with imagery of the Colossus rising above the perils of the sea.

"but those of us who do not ken:"
"we are the hollow men."
The person who does not seek this inner strength and direction becomes no more than the gutless subject of Elliot's philippic.

"Be one of fierce demeanor
fill your deeds with intent;
every action, whet it keener,
false desire ever leaner;"
The problem with an empty life is the person drifts from one event to another, reacting to what happens to him rather than becoming the moving force in his own existence.

"strive 'til your soul is spent;
for should you not, when
lured to pastures greener
losing hope for all you meant
you will hear a bleating din:
'We are the stuffed men.'"
Elliot uses the scarecrow as a motif, I borrowed the idea, with the metaphor that the purposeless stuffed men convince themselves they are destined for greatness and fulfillment yet never stake a claim or do anything to bring such about; then the bleating sheep around them echo their own lack of character: these men have become hollow and are stuffed with other people's thoughts, other people's wants and needs.

"Don't count on any friend
who'd flatter and charm,
only to help you descend,
humanity merely pretend,
or in crises you are disarmed
hurled into roughest weather
lacking force, all hope expend
with worthless ally arm-in-arm
tossed like birds lacking feather,
leaning together."
The nature of cowardice is to stand others in the line of fire, rather than take personal responsibility for themselves. Similarly, there are so-called friends who pretend your faults are strengths and abet your weakness; your cowardice is to accept their pandering rather than taking the responsibility to develop your character and talents. The deadly combination of flattery and quiescence degrade your humanity and help you forsake your true potential. When things get rough, their help is useless, leaving you both like birds with no feathers blown about in a storm. Hollow men, stuffed men, create other hollow and stuffed men.

"Stand with purpose, stay resolved
be no one's momentary fad;
true pain will be involved
but so with all that ever evolved;"
There is no easy way to put it: life's a bitch and then you die. No amount of scampering or hiding will change that, so act human and face the absurdity of the situation, embrace it , let the madness of life wash over you in all it's gore and pain. But stand up for God's sake, or for man's sake, if that's what is needed: become Human!

"live with a reason, for good or bad,
mindless pleasure surpass;
all failures in trying are absolved
it is failure to attempt that's mad
for such a man sinks in morass
headpiece filled with straw. Alas!"
Like Kurtz, taking action is the absolute importance. Choose wisely, unlike Kurtz, but do not make the mistake of puzzling through a decision so long that action becomes irrelevant.

Congrats to Larry, Jordan and Noura. All three poems were very deserving of the front page win!

Thanks for the lovely HM, very well thought out.

I've enjoyed the insight from both Larry & Jordan. It's interesting how deep poems go beyond the surface.

Jordan! Your poem is so deeper than it looks. Oh my goodness! Sir, you're magnificent!

I am going to post my own this afternoon. I promise.