How to treat a teenager??

My question arises after reading this poem by LP...hope you don't mind Abed?)

http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/sad/poems.php?id=1203622

I'm talking about late teens here...18 is the age you can vote...join the army...I know in America you can't drink alcohol until your 21( legally) in most other countries you can at 18 so...they are classed as adults but...still living under your roof so how much space should you give them? Let them make their own mistakes....(my comment on Abed's poem will tell you that I did)...should I have laid down a firmer law?...would my kids have abided by it anyway or just told me they did?...staying at a friends house while they broke rules....I had so many kids staying at my place in their teen years probably because I wasn't as strict as some mothers but....at least they all came home in some state or another?

* of course, I'd be more than happy to hear our teenage members contributing?

When a child is young, you can tell them what drugs, alcohol and sigarettes will do to their body. I told my son when he was seven and he never wanted to destroy his health once he knew. I told him in a relaxed way and in such a manner that he knew I just wanted my big buddy to always be fine.

Once a child becomes a teen, it is harder to reach them. The only thing you can do IMHO, is to give the right example and when they do screw up, make them face the consequences all by themselves ( pay for any damage, clean up what they made dirty, go to the parents of the victims, go to jail if they caused someone to die, etc). Treat them with respect, but also make them realize every action causes a reaction and some things can never be undone...

I don't mind, Hellon. In fact, I like how you, as a mother, care! :)

As a teen, I love to have the total freedom, but since I am living under my parents' roof, eating their food, using their house items (cars,phones,money,..etc..), I am bound to abide by their rules. But whether they are strict or not, it is impossible not to break them, you know, that is like an instinct!

We love to break rules and prove to our parents that we do not need them anymore (even if everyone knows that we DO!).

I was raised in a Moslim family which is not conservative like other families. My father used to drink alcohol, my mother, too (occasionally)... but when they brought us, they stopped gradually and taught us that such stuff are harmful. It's great to teach children everyday, every hour, every second... and tell them the right from wrong in a studied MANNER and NOT like Kings/Queens talking to their slaves.

But when they become 18 yrs old, teens have the choice to do the right things or wrong everything, knowing that the consequences of any problem is a TEACHER for other times. That's why they should be tolerated solely.

My father used the saying "do as I say, not as I do". I don't feel that approach is a good one, but I do think he did the best he could. He was loving and supportive, and while I knew right from wrong, I still made bad choices. I think you really need to allow children to make mistakes (small ones, not life changers), and let them learn from it.

The children that behaved the best in my town were kids of people who were model citizens, at least on the outside. My pastor for example preaches we are to be the example we want our children to be. Kids watch, mimick and immitate. They're sponges.

I haven't read the poem yet, will do so at work :)

EDIT:

Having read the poem now, I kind of agree with the punishment, but it's got some exceptions. To me it's dependent on the child and maturity level.. also the age. I wouldn't want a 16 yr old sleeping outside, but an 18 year old who is still under my care, then yes. Either case is old enough to know better, but there is hopefully a bit of growing up.

I personally think that if you're living under your parents roof, even if paying rent (my parents rule is if you were in school of any kind you can live rent free, but if you aren't in school and working, you paid a small rent amount, which they saved in an account for me and gave to me when I got my own place), you abide by their rules. It's a respect thing.

When I turned 18 I didn't have a curfew, but I did have to let my Dad know if I wouldn't be home that night. It all boils down to respect, on the kids part. My Dad got a little more creative with punishments than most, but in the end I truly respected him for it. My mom would be stern in front of my Dad, but let me do whatever I want when he wasn't around. I have little to no respect for that woman now. I don't feel you should be your childrens best friend... not until they're older. Be a parent first, friend later. I thank my Dad for doing that all the time. The people my age that had friends for parents and no sort of discipline or consequence for anything ended up doing not so great in life. I think that says something.

I'm not a parent so this is probably quite easy for me to answer from my lovely detrached nest of adult independance!

I'd like to imagine treating a teenager like the adult you want them to turn into. So, if you want a withdraw adult with no decent life experience and a whole bunch of repressed desires, sure...ban them from drinking or partying and see where that gets you, and them.

Personally, I like to keep people informed and let them have a try at whatever they feel interested in, even if I know it might be bad for them. As with all things, there are personal lines to be drawn (I'd probably step in if a child of mine wanted to "try" heroin or another hard core drug).

I was raised without any serious boundaries or restrictions and I don't smoke or do drugs and I drink very occasionally. I also have a very liberal attitude to other people's rights to do what they want with their own body.

I like most of these thoughts so far and I'd agree with most of them I suppose because...we're all different I feel and just doing the best we can whether we're the parent or the teen. I didn't put up a lot of restrictions because...most teens tend to stretch the boundaries and I think children should be allowed to make and learn from their own mistakes and not ones previously made by their parents. I know we can try talking to them and advising that we know from experience this won't work but...they probably won't listen.

When my son's car was impounded for a week (hoon driving (doing dounuts not racing at high speed) and over the limit) I never lent him my car so he was forced to use public transport but...I did go to court with him. His licence was suspended for 6 months but he successfully applied for an E licence which allowed him to drive during working hours. This meant he didn't loose his job and didn't end up on the dole but...I'm not sure if it really taught him a lesson. What are your thoughts on him gaining a restricted licence?

He is lucky they are willing to allow him to be able to keep doing his job that way!

And I do agree on it, he just made a mistake, Hellon..we all have, haven't we? I am sure he will never do donuts again:)

Well...I felt so at the time Ingrid and, believe me I was very thankful...if he'd lost his job and ended up on the dole I just shudder to think where he might be right now...it wasn't just the doughnuts though...as I said, he was over the drinking limit also.

I am not sure on how to advice you, Hellon...other than the advice I have already given. He has had a big warning now, I hope it scared him enough to see drinking makes you do things that are dangerous.

The raised finger isn't going to do any good now, he is already a man. What you could do is tell him about your worries. Don't use sentences with "you", but tell him things from your perspective "I am worried about your safety, health, etc." Even if he doesn't seem to hear you, the words will affect him, he will think about it lateron. Love is always good, to show unconditional love, even if they screw up. He is only human, after all!

I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear Ingrid...this happened years ago and thankfully he has turned out ok....he has four boys of his own to deal with and he now says....Mum...how did you put up with me? I think he's looking into the future and getting very worried already haha!!!

I wasn't looking for advice...just opinions really basically about bringing teens up...what teens think of rules laid and how they react...how parents cope with these reactions etc...

Now can I ask you something Ingrid (or anyone else who may have an opinion). I know in Amsterdam it's legal to smoke marajuana...do you find that encourages people/teens or...do you think..because it's there...people just accept it and choose...like they would with going into a fast food store? It's ok to say no?

Ah, I assumed this was a recent event. Well, I am glad he turned out ok:)

General opinions are what they are, Hellon: general. So hard to apply on your own situation..each child is different, as each parent and family is. When people give advice, they often don't know the whole story or the child in question.

In Holland it's legal to smoke marjuana, but there is only a certain kind that actually does use it. We used to have lots and lots of foreigners coming here to buy the stuff. So we changed the laws and now all "coffeeshops"are private clubs that you need a pass for to get in. (only Dutch citizens can obtain such a pass)

I certainly feel it is ok to say no to marajuana, because it kills the braincells! I once saw a documentary about a young girl that had used it frequently and they made a scan of her brain: she had holes in it that are common for a SEVENTY YEAR OLD WOMAN, irreversible damage!!! I showed it to my son as well and told him that if someone where to offer him drugs, to walk away as hard as he could.

My government is insane to allow this to take place on our soil.

I'm sorry I may have confused you and other members with my earlier question...thinking it was a current issue. Abeds poem just brought it back to mind.

I'm interested in your country legalising marajuana because I know so many people in the UK who still think it's a novalty to go there and smoke it freely although they have access to it in there own country. Can I ask...do your hospitals have many admissions soley from people smoking this? I mean...many countries have cigarette smoking and drinking problems and they are both high on this countries health problems but...marajuana?

No, not that I know of. The things we do hear of often on the news are problems with teenagers drinking too much, especially in the rural communities. We did have much problems with foreigners coming to our southern provinces and Amsterdam to buy drugs and then use so much of the stuff that they caused problems with the authorities, that is why the law was changed, I think....