Confused Reactions...

Ok....so my long term boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years this coming November and a situation I'm finding myself in has me confused and hurt for some reason. Most of my friends are still against my relationship so I can't talk to them about it so maybe someone here can help me see my reaction a little more clearly.

My boyfriend (who lives in northern Mexico) and I (in Central Texas) have been working really hard the whole length of our relationship to reach a common goal, which is us living in the same place together. We've almost managed it 3 times but something has always happened so it couldn't. It's important to us both of course and it's everything we want, honestly we could not be more fed up with distance, but it never seems to work for one reason or another.

He gave me a date tonight of when the move would happen, again. The beginning of this December. And wanted to talk about plans and what we'd do as soon as we lived in the same place and so on and...I just couldn't even manage to be excited. He was finally able to give me an actual, firm date of when the main thing that has been stopping our plans will be over, I should be absolutely thrilled, I shouldn't be able to stop grinning and be excited beyond words....shouldn't I?

But instead of thrilled and excited, or even happy, I'm...sad, depressed even. I don't know or understand why I've been almost crying since he told me. Why am I upset and almost...terrified? I know without a doubt that this is what I want, I mean I've been working for it for 5 years.

Am I just reacting like this because of fear of it not working again? Being afraid of how much it'll hurt if it doesn't work? I don't get it. Normally I'm very practical, happy and hopeful and able to rationalize and sort through my feelings, I do counseling for goodness sake so I know how to figure out my own feelings. But I can't understand myself. Is it bad or wrong of me to feel and react like this? I know my lack of excited reactions hurt my boyfriend but I couldn't manage it, or even a smile, on the topic till he started making jokes to make me. Am I really a bad girlfriend or am I just reacting out of a desire to protect myself from hurting more? I'm sorry this was so long but any insights or help would help a lot because I'm feeling like a horrible person that he tried to give me fantastic news that he knew I've been wanting and I couldn't even smile :P Thank you in advance!

No, you're not wrong for the way you are reacting. I mean you've all made plans before, but this now..it's so real. It's going to actually happen (we both assume that right?). It's new, it's going to be a new start in your life, and this time it seems pretty offical. I don't think you're wrong in how you're reacting its like your ecstatic.

. But yeah so I get where your coming from and it's nothing to be worried about hun.

I hope everything works out for you, and you both have an amazing life/time together.

Aveena: Thank you so much, I was feeling like a horrible girlfriend that I was so moody and upset over it :P I think it might boil down to I'm scared that it's going to fall apart again and I'm afraid of being hurt again because it hurts sooo much every time plans don't work. You're probably right that it's the nerves of if it finally works...I'll be leaving everything, my family, my country and everything I've built for a lot of unknown. He comes from a very different life as well and I'm concerned I'm not going to fit in. Fear of all the newness and everything that will change and the fear of things falling through again?

Thank you so much, you helped ease my mind some :) And thank you! I hope we'll have a happy life once we can start it together finally a well :)

I think I understand what you're feeling. It's a bizarre emotion, isn't it? I think there are a couple of possibilities.

1. A part of you is secretly hesitant about how much you want it.
2. You are afraid it won't work out again and you'll be disappointed.
3. You're afraid it WILL work out, and you will be forced to change the way you've been living - hoping, waiting, separated. This is a funny little emotion, because, logically, you think you should just be thrilled. But in my experience, it's sometimes easier to stay in the discomfort that you're familiar with, rather than have something easy and good. I'm always at least a little bit distrustful when something good is offered to me.. .it's like a perverse little corner of my brain is secretly hoping that it will all just fall through. I don't know if that makes sense. But it makes me feel guilty. Which brings me to my next point...

You are probably making it worse by over-thinking your reaction to it. I do this all the time, and it's hard to stop. "Stop thinking about thinking!" just seems to make it worse. I'll spend so much energy scrutinizing my own insufficient reactions to something that I end up turning it into a way bigger deal than it is. I don't really have a good solution, but I guess my advice would be (as long as number 1 up there isn't the case) to try to relax and just give it a shot. You're not a horrible person. Emotions are not logical - they are complex and interrelated and they are not supposed to be automatic reactions to external stimuli. Right? Just try to be gentle with yourself, and know that you're not a psycho.

Sibyllene: Thank you so much! I think you hit it on the proverbial nails head there. #2 is definitely a concern I'm still feeling. I'm starting to be able to focus on the hopeful at the moment though. If things go well we'll be spending Christmas together with our families for the first holiday we'll have had together so focusing on dinner plans, party, family, ways to mix our traditions and such is helping some.

And...you are so very true about #3! It's such a funny, confusing emotion! Being horribly scared that you'll get everything you want. I totally relate to how you explained it, I do the same thing :P It is odd that all of a sudden you have everything you want laid out in front of you and you almost want to beg for the discomfort and unhappiness to continue because at least you're familiar with it. I think that, mixed with the fear of disappointment and pain, is exactly why I'm finding it so hard. Makes me feel horribly guilty as well but I'm always...hesitant or reluctant when something good is offered, I'm always waiting for it to go wrong or bad :P Horribly habit.

Over thinking it is definitely an issue as well. I'm working really hard on just focusing on one day at a time, attempting to build up some excitedness and express why I'm reacting this way to my boyfriend. I think he's rather nervous as well even though he says he's not, neither of us have lived with a partner before, we've learned to handle our lives apart and I think the thought of the transition is overwhelming for us both. Totally sure it's what we want but...still overwhelming.

Thank you so very much for your help, it's incredibly reassuring to know it's not just me and that I'm not loosing my mind or being a psycho. We are always hardest on ourselves are we not? :P The urge and desire to over think and analyze every reaction and emotion is so hard to fight sometimes. The second guessing and insecurity it causes does indeed make a good situation horrible and a bad situation worse :P Thank you so much for the reassurance and encouragement :)

One day at a time, remember to breathe and not over think or analyze everything and be more gentle on myself and accept it's ok to be a little scared....got it :)

Haha, I'm glad it helped a little! I've actually being going through a similar emotional snag lately, so it was nice - both to see that someone else did it - and to try to lay it out logically in this post. So, thank you back, I suppose! Hope everything goes smoothly for you and your boy.

Haha It does indeed help I've found, explaining it for someone else so you can figure it out easier for your own situations as well. Odd how that works. It did indeed help a lot! Reassurance helped greatly :) And thank you! Hoping it works out. I hope your situation works out smoothly for you as well!