I messed up, I love you forgive me

I need help someone talk to, just someone that wont judge me

Hiya i'm Ash i don't judge at all trust me i can list some names that know that is trueful!... what's wrong?

Queen Ash

The thing is to make a story short, i went out with my boyfriend in 08 it was a long distance relationship, for 2 years we keep missing each other when id go home or he would go home. then one summer we had it all planned out and i was so sure id see him. then he didnt come again, i was hurt and in so much pain i started drinking heavily, have many blackout take about 10 shots of tequilla get so trash dance on tables, kiss my girl friends, and people would tell him i was a bad girl this and that, anyway he broke up with me and told me few weeks after he met someone else and all, they kissed and few weeks after i had sex with one of his friend i was soo drunk that night i am never that type of girl, the worst is that i really thought we just fooled around i blacked out that night of course. So for years i kept telling my boyfriend all we did was fool arund but he would get drunk and do stuff and id forgive him, anyway few months ago he forced me to call that guy i havent spoken to in 2 years and ask him what happened he told me we had sex and i told my boyfriend. he broke up with me called me all type of names and just uses me now so much and i know i was wrong but after that summer we were so perfect me and him we spend summer and xmas together we were so in love. how could he just bring a story from 2 years ago back like that, when he messed up more than i did all along, and i always forgave him always.

I did everything for him after that summer 2010, i swore id never act like this again if he took me back and he did, i was PERFECT PERFECT to him never ever did nothing, while he kept doing stuff and using the fact that i did stuff that summer, but i forgave him alllll the time, always blaming myself like yeah i messed up so u can do it too, but he did it more than once, and i love him so much to forgive him does it mean he doesnt love me as much? why does he call me one day say he loves me the next he hates me, then he wants me and he doesnt..im tired he uses me because i always pick up his call, i always do what he wants, yesterday i lost my aunt, and i emailed him begging him to be there for me bcus i was so hurt he did not even text back or pick up my calls. how cruel can someone be..i am so hurt Ash so hurt i dont know what to do, and i dont want to talk to my friends bcause they dont understand what im going thru or the love i haev for this man.

First of let me start this by saying i'm sorry for the death of a family member and second i have messed UP more times in my life i have cheated deliberately on my fiance in the past because i was hurt for he cheated on me and i am like you he has messed up more times than i have YET we are together still and the simple fact that that coward of your ex is nothing more than a very bad memory let it go and move on i know it's hard trust me been there done that the whole almost having a fiance and marring the man of my dreams once ago and then something happened and we split tried to be together again but it just couldn't happen it was me that was like your ex but i couldn't be

Queen Ash

Email me when you read this okay sweetie?

Hey ash,
I dont know but I cant send you a private message, it doesnt go thru, but i can read yours, anyway send me one with your email or something if you still want to chat. Thank you your message made me feel better really

Midnightash21@yahoo.com and sweetie just click on my name or screen name in here and you can email me that way! ^^
darn it my email came out wrong it's midnightash21@yahoo.com sorry my dear!
Queen Ash

Thank you :) will email you.