I need help,

I lost my dad November 10, 2012. I was trying to stay strong for my brothers and sisters and also my kids. Well I had a love of my life by my side then one night the lost of my father hit me and hard. I drank so much I got in a fight with my lover and had thoughts of killing my self. No I didn't hit punch or beat her. But did shove and got in her face. I don't drink no more and checked in a adult behaveral place. I love her with all my heart and know what I did was so wrong. How do I prove to her I'm the man she fell in love with and not the monster she seen. That is the only time in my life I did anything like this. My heart hurts for the pain I caused her and the emptiness of her love gone is unbaring.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. It's an unbearable pain that takes forever to ease. Focusing on your family needing you does indeed help, but as you just figured out, you can't bottle up your emotions while trying to be strong or sooner or later you explode like a pressure cooker. *hugs*

Now on to the rest of your post. Having been on the receiving end of this like she is...all I can tell you to do is focus on getting your self stable and focused first, by doing that you'll show her that you know you weren't well and are trying to get back to who you are. After that...and I know you're going to hate this answer, but all you can do is give her time and keep showing her in gentle ways that she can trust you again and that she knows who you are. She's probably feeling scared and like you broke her trust that she was safe with you. That takes time to regain. So just keep showing her you are who she loves, over and over. Actions speak much louder than words so keep showing her. It'll take time and be hard but you clearly love her, she still loves you, it's not something that just goes away with a mistake, and in the end if you keep standing by her I have no doubt you'll make it work.

Best of luck to you and remember that grieving takes many steps and if you have a partner in life helping you through it then you have to be open with her as you go through it so you don't explode again.

Thank you for your time into reading what I had on my mind, and also in replying. To let you know how things are going right now, I haven't had any thing to drink since. I have been talking more about my feelings and have my family around a lot more. Every thing is working out for me. So again thank you

You are welcome of course. I am very happy to hear that things are going well for you. As long as you keep working on it and stay away from drinking you'll be able to make it through this with the support of your family and friends (that's wonderful that you're spending more time with them btw) There is a reason why alcohol is called spirits after all. I hope things continue to improve for you and yours.