Brevity Round 2 - Results

Sorry for the delay, Here are the poems along with the judge's comment plus the syllable counts on each of them.

I asked my judges to judge on Quality rather than on syllable count. I asked them to not take the syllables into consideration and just go ahead and judge based on quality. Now What is quality? everyone will have a different opinion but I asked them to take into account how much the poet incorporate in the poem. (similes, metaphors, personification, twists, though provoking writes etc.)
And I gave those who used exactly 60 syllables 2 Extra points. As for those who used one or two more syllables from the range, points won't be deducted. Unless they used more than 2.

--------------- #1 ------------------

Title: Personal Space of a Flower Child

Finger flowers stretching,
grasping marshmallow cloud dancers
and rainbows, twirling simultaneously
as gravity finds me in grasslands
of my peaceful circumference,
a bit of utopia enchants the
space in my mellow dramatic mind.

Judge 1._ Rating [ 25/25]

- I believe this poem to be really focused on the prompt of space. I got a real relaxed feeling from the words and like the author created a place of peace in their mind which is "their space" to escape to. I think the wording was very poetic and descriptive and offered me varied images through out reading. It created a scene of nature and calm and almost like a child-like view of how heaven is and what life will be like. The image I got from the first line alone was a young flower stretching their petals as they awake and touching all the beauty that surrounds them. Very beautiful. The wording was well thought out and the poem flowed from start to finish without flaws. I also like the title choice and how this author is claiming this space as their own, very creative choice to use for the topic given. I enjoyed reading this.

Judge 2._ Rating [ 15/ 25 ]

Judge 3._ Rating [14/25 ]

A dreamy little write, child-like in its wishfulness. However, its charm is rather overplayed, it has some disproportionate word choices, ordinary concept and content, and the last line is far too cheesy for me. In effect, the reader cannot be transported anywhere as the poem is too perceptible.

Judge 4._ Rating

Everlasting:

This poem took me to a colorful land. Due to the title "Personal Space of a Flower Child," I am picturing a flower who is a kiddo with her fingers stretching while holding the marshmallow cloud dancers and the rainbows dancers too with her hand, it's cute. It kind of reminds me of the times when a baby sleeps in the cradle and wakes up to find the cute hmm things that go round and round on top of the cradle. ( I forgot how they are call but the rainbow and the cloud reminds me of that). Also I'm picturing the flower in the grasslands twirling, it kind of gives me the impression that the little flower is semi shy but so joyful and full of life. I would like to say the author used the flower as personification, it gave the flower human attributes, but a metaphor suits it better.
Nonetheless, an enchanting piece, however, I do have a critique and that's that in the whole poem I'm picturing a small child specially due to the title and how this poem began, but holly camoly this child has quiet a vocabulary "simultaneously" "circumference" " utopia" "gravity" those are some words that I feel a child would not normally use, just my opinion, after a while the flower seemed to be more grown up. Aside from that I was taken to the personal space of this flower, kind of like a daydream.

Total Points: 25 +15+ 14 = 54

Syllable count:

Personal Space of a Flower Child

Finger (2) flowers (2) stretching, (2) = 6
grasping(2) marshmallow(3) cloud(1) dancers (2)=8
and(1) rainbows, (2) twirling(2) simultaneously (6)=11
as(1) gravity(3) finds(1) me(1) in (1) grasslands (2)=9
of(1) my(1) peaceful(2) circumference,(4) =7 <- +1 =8
a(1) bit(1) of(1) utopia(4) enchants(2) the (1)=10
space(1) in(1) my(1) mellow(2) dramatic(3) mind(1)=9

6+8+11+9+7+10+9= 60 +1 = 61

*I added a plus one, because at first I counted peaceful as 1 syllable but it is two.

--------------- #2 ------------------

Title: Cosmic

The moment when two lips graze together
can you imagine the sound -
a cluster of stars exploding bit by bit
crashing into the universe,
a shattering pulsating, racing -
vibrating. That's when you know
perfection has been created.

Judge 1._ Rating [ 21/25 ]

Judge 2._ Rating [ 13/25 ]

Judge 3._ Rating [ 18/25 ]

I like the concept of this poem, though it is not totally original - a single, silent kiss having the effect of a galaxy in explosion, which worked both literally and sentimentally (after all, there is no sound in space). However, I felt the execution could have been better with a subtler hand. The 60-syllable count seemed to have got the better of this writer this time, especially with the last, forced sentence.

Judge 4._ Rating

Total Points: 21+13+18 = 52

Everlasting:

At first read, I liked this poem's flow, at second read, I liked this poem words, and on third read, I started paying more attention to the words.
What captivates me so much about this poem are the first four lines, to me they are well written. Up to the fifth line is when I start losing focus on the poem, "a shattering pulsating, racing - vibrating.. I feel it's incomplete.
like the author has more to give, so I hope to see this poem completely finish, if it ins't really finish.

Over all, I like this cosmic scene of a kiss.

Syllable count:

The (1) moment(2) when(1) two(1) lips(1) graze (1) together(3)=10
can(1) you(1) imagine(3) the(1) sound(1) -= 7
a(1) cluster(2) of(1) stars (1) exploding(3) bit(1) by(1) bit(1)=11
crashing(2) into(2) the(1) universe,(3) =8
a(1) shattering(3) pulsating,(3) racing - (2)=9
vibrating.(3) That's(1) when(1) you(1) know (1)=7
perfection(3) has(1) been(1) created.(3) =8

10+7+11+8+9+7+8 = 60

--------------- #3 ------------------

Title: There's Room for You

Interstitial love fills my heart.
Lumps form in my throat when I see you,
sand in my mouth, I can not speak;
tears flow for all is lost,
my heart has no more space.
Then the sweetness of your kisses
permeates this conglomerate -
cements my adoration

Judge 1._ Rating [ 25/25]

The first thing I really liked about this poem was having the word "room" in the title. It was a play on the word space for me because in this case they both mean the same thing which I found quite interesting. Then from the opening line I felt the author really gave a lot of effort in their word choice and I assume done some research in order to make their poem meet the topic. It flowed well when I read it and I felt myself getting involved in the emotion of the love being described here which gave the poem a nice tone to it. The wording at the end of the poem was amazing and I think gives an explanation for the title, it explains why this person is giving space in their heart to someone else. I also like the change of emotion in which the poem starts off a bit hopeless for this space to be filled, then ends with the space being filled and the word cement implies a strong sense of forever. Brilliant job, I really enjoyed it.

Judge 2._ Rating [ 10/25 ]

In the context of this poem some of these words just do not fit, Interstitial love? Conglomerate cements, maybe the dictionary was used instead of the heart..? maybe others can see the connection but sorry I can't, There is a contradiction between Interstitial and "love fills my heart" "permeates this conglomerate" is very brash and doesn't fit a love poem, nor does cements to a lesser degree... I commented on this poem so the poet would better understand why I gave it the score I did.

Judge 3._ Rating [16/25]

Hmmm, in the end, this surprisingly turned out to appeal more to my scientific side than artistic side, it was quite a lesson in geology! The idea of using the theme of space as space in the heart was sweet. The title was also cute. However, the writing was too transparent and specific, and did not leave any 'space' for the reader to imagine or draw from the abstract.
14/25

Judge 4._ Rating

Everlasting:

I am not sure how I feel about this poem. The wording, specially, the first word makes it harder for me to find a connection between the meaning and the words. So I had to look the meaning up and even still I'm finding it hard to make a connection.

Interstitial... living in the spaces between individual sand grains in the soil or aquatic sediments according to an ecology dictionary.

but it can also be in relation to an organ.

Over all, I interpret this piece as the author's heart is filled with empty love, like meaningless love because he/she feels the love is not reciprocated, but after this someone kisses him/her, the kisses puts together the shattered persona, and the adoration he/she feels is put together again. My confusion is caused mainly by the adjective interstitial, I am still not sure what it means, I can only guess. But I can noticed two parts that make up this poem, it has a contrast or a turning point. One is hopeless and then the other one gives a glimpse of hope that love exists between the two. Also the part where the "then" unites the two pieces seems to me too rushed out, at least to me. I feel like it might need some other word to tied it up, though, in this case it could just be me.

Total Points: 25+10+16= 51

There's room for you

interstitial(4) love(1) fills(1) my(1) heart(1).= 8
Lumps(1) form(1) in(1) my(1) throat(1) when(1) I(1) see(1) you(1),= 9
sand(1) in(1) my(1) mouth(1), I(1) can(1) not(1) speak(1);=8
tears(1) flow(1) for(1) all(1) is(1) lost(1),= 6
my(1) heart(1) has(1) no(1) more(1) space(1).= 6
Then(1) the(1) sweetness(2) of(1) your(1) kisses(2)= 8
permeates(3) this(1) conglomerate(4) -= 8
cements(2) my(1) adoration(4)= 7

8+9+8+6+6+8+8+7= 60

--------------- #4 ------------------

Title: Untitled

Without destination
there would be no distance

Without distance
there would be no roads

Without roads
there would be no arrival or departure

Without arrival and departure
there would be no space

because we would forever be
already there.

Judge 1._ Rating [ 22/25]

This poem I found to be very creative and I really enjoyed the cryptic style the author chose and then linking the previous idea to the next line while adding it to another idea. The message is describing things that only exist because of some other existence which is very deep and thought provoking. The impact really made me stop and think about it all and what we would have if we didn't have space in any form. It was an interesting poem, I really liked the idea of it, but my only problem was the ending. It felt like it was a bit out of place compared to the flow and wording of the poem so far. I wonder if this could be re worded in a way to not make it end so bluntly. I think because in each new line the author has repeated the subject of the last line, so perhaps for the ending of this, they could finish it with what they think would be if there was no space. This would also emphasize the relation to the prompt given. But over all I really liked this idea and thought it was a unique style to write in.

Judge 2._ Rating [ 18/25 ]

Another untitled entry and 1 over on Syllable count, something I'm prone to do. I like the simple approach to this poem yet the complex conundrum it throws up which is anything but simple. It's like trying to envisage infinity, something our brains struggle to fathom. I like poems such as this that make you think outside of the square...I also like the deliberate repetition of Without, it works well

Judge 3._ Rating [ 16/25 ]

It was clear that the writer really tried to delve into the essence of space itself to deliver something for the reader to ponder. I liked the clear, unadorned writing. However, though the interpretation was quite inventive and the ending seemed to assume a wow moment, it did not produce anything particularly interesting.
16/25

Judge 4._

Everlasting

A poem without a title, I would have love to see a title there. For some reason titles are important to me, I know some authors find it difficult to come up with one, but it is because of how hard sometimes it is to find the right title that I grew fond to them. Anywho, I like this piece's flow, and I also like the repetition, as well as this interesting way the poem was arranged. However, I have read this poem several times but I haven't come up with anything other than what the poem says which is odd.

Total Points: 22+18+16=56

Syllable Count:

Untitled

Without(2) destination(4)= 6
there(1) would(1) be(1) no(1) distance(1) 6

Without(2) distance(2) = 4
there(1) would(1) be(1) no(1) roads(1)= 5

Without(2) roads(1)= 3
there(1) would(1) be(1) no(1) arrival(3) or(1) departure(3) 11

Without(2) arrival(3) and(1) departure(3) 9
there(1) would(1) be(1) no(1) space(1) 5

because(2) we(1) would(1) forever(3) be(1)= 8
already(3) there(1). = 4

6+6+4+5+3+11+9+5+8+ 4= 61

--------------- #5 ------------------

Title: The Elevator-Gang

We are standing stiff on the first floor
like freshly jarred pickles.
Oxygen crops into the size
of sour breath, whilst
sandwiched between perverted hands,
I can read the sleepless, sex-
deprived nights on their stubbly
chins, trying to ignore
the itch of my tongue.

Judge 1._ Rating [ 19/25 ]

Judge 2._ Rating [ 24/25 ]

Wow a breath of fresh air, I wish I had written this even though I never could. It's such a wickedly clever written poem, from the title to E of tongue Kudos to this poet...great use of metaphors, Standing stiff like pickles in a jar.....one of the best poems I've read on here for some time...I'm not going to dissect it and heap praise on each syllable, there is no need for that...

Judge 3._ Rating [22/25 ]

This is the kind of thing I usually love. The whole point of this Brevity contest is about the art of concentration. It isn't easy to change the world in 60 syllables, and the important thing is that this poem isn't trying to do that. Yet it manages to change the state of the world inside my head. A mind is a mist of ideas, yet this poem is able to direct it to one scene, one sensually provoking instant that proves that every moment in life, no matter how beautiful or foul or mundane, is stuffed with poetry. I loved the first line. If you're going to use a simile, use a good one like that. I'm not a fan of "crops into the size", it is clunky and odd. The itchy tongue reference felt too random and distracted from the context. Otherwise, there is a masterful attention to detail here, a classily captured poem.

Total Points: 19+24+22= 65

Everlasting:

This poem has a lot of imagery, the title really suits the poem in my opinion and it shows the author really knows how to take advantage of a title.
The descriptions given makes one see the people standing on the first floor. For some reason, I couldn't help myself but imagine the gangsters from the 60's. All standing outside while waiting for the elevator, and their beards not so shave and the part about "oxygen crops into the size of sour breath" makes me think that they have already enter the elevator, the oxygen is limited in there, and also all of them will be sandwiched/compacted together so some of their breathe will be smell by the others. Any who, whoever is narrating this piece, not necessarily is the author, but a fictional character per se, seems to want to try the pickles or seems to not like them? because there seems to be a lot of emphasis on how they look, or may be I misunderstood that part with the " itch on my tongue." I think the author of this piece after all left the readers with a sour taste after reading that ending. It could mean many things. It gives enough space for the readers to ponder, think and critique what exactly did the author meant with that line? Great use of brevity, simile, and also a nice way to keep the whole poem together by comparing the jarred pickles to the elevator and the people who are inside.

The Elevator-Gang

We(1) are(1) standing(2) stiff(1) on(1) the(1) first(1) floor(1)= 9
like(1) freshly(2) jarred(1) pickles.(2) =6
Oxygen(3) crops(1) into(2) the(1) size(1)= 8
of(1) sour(1) breath,(1) whilst(1)= 4
sandwiched(2) between(2) perverted(3) hands,(1)= 8
I(1) can(1) read(1) the(1) sleepless(2), sex-(1)= 7
deprived(2) nights(1) on(1) their(1) stubbly(2)=7
chins(1), trying(2) to(1) ignore(2)=6
the(1) itch(1) of(1) my(1) tongue(1).= 5

9+6+8+4+8+7+7+6+5= 60

--------------- #6 ------------------

Title: Untitled 2

I wish I had more space instead
Of flirting with the claustrophobia
Of your eyes. I wish the rocket
I had could find its fuel
And take me into orbit, forgetting
You were harboured in a fast food diner
Of the fifties, and I lost
In the empty space of tired, tired time

Judge 1._ Rating [ 20/25]

Judge 2._ Rating [ 18/25 ]

No title and over on the Syllable count but still my second favourite poem, I enjoyed the little journey this poem took me on, from the clever opening two lines incorporating the contradiction of space and claustrophobia, to tired, tired time, where the repetition of tired added strength to the ending. I also loved the twist of the fast food diner from the fifties, very American

22 less 4 for incorrect syllable count total 18 points

Judge 3._ Rating [16/25 ]

I think this poem is trying to do too much with too little. The theme of space is a little undirected. The 'I wish'es make the poem seem more adolescent than it really is, as the last line seems to stem from a level of maturity. The fast food diner reference is intriguing and could have been my favourite part if it had been given any more elaboration, instead of seeming sudden and arbitrary. I would like the writer to forget about being lost in space and rewrite this poem, concentrating on this love from the fifties.

Total Points: 20 +18+ 16= 54

Everlasting:

This poem makes me think, I am not sure exactly what to say, but I will say the author was speaking literally on the part about wanting more space,
but may be the author was also speaking metaphorically. I wish this poem had a title otherwise I'm left to imagine which I like because I like when I see other things within a poem that may have not been intended by the author, but sometimes its better when the whole poem is concrete. But let's see, this is what I understood. Well, actually I wish to know to whom the author was speaking to, any who, this is the way I interpret this poem, The author is in a fast food diner flirting with the waitress perhaps? I am going to go ahead and assume is an older lady and the author is younger, so perhaps the waitress is scared, crept out that the narrator is flirting with her? And the narrator wishes to have the courage to go and talk to her, to have more space to approach her and forget that age doesn't matter? the reason why I thought about that was due to " I wish the rocket I had could find its fuel and take me into orbit" <- find courage. Then the part about "you were harbored in a fast food diner of the fifties" <- prompts me to think of an older person since we are on 2013 and "and I lost in the empty space of tired, tired time" I also think it may have been literal, but it could have been also use metaphorical. Pretty nice line by the way, I am fond to it.

I like this poem but I wish to see it with a title, if not perhaps a bit more developed. Right now it's vague to me, one can come up with so many things, at least me.

But overall, an interesting piece.

Syllable count:

Untitled 2

I(1) wish(1) I(1) had(1) more(1) space(1) instead(2)= 8
Of(1) flirting(2) with(1) the(1) claustrophobia (5)= 10
Of(1) your(1) eyes(1). I(1) wish(1) the(1) rocket(2)= 8
I(1) had(1) could(1) find(1) its(1) fuel(2)= 7
And(1) take(1) me(1) into(2) orbit,(2) forgetting(3) =10
You(1) were(1) harboured(2) in(1) a(1) fast(1) food(1) diner(2)= 10
Of(1) the(1) fifties(2), and(1) I(1) lost(1)= 7
In(1) the(1) empty(2) space(1) of(1) tired(1), tired(1) time(1) = 9

8+10+8+7+10+10+7+9= 69

--------------------

Poem #5 Total Points: 19+24+22= 65+2 =67

Poem #4 Total Points: 22+18+16= 56

Poem #1 Total Points: 25 +15+ 14=54

Poem #6 Total Points: 20 +18+ 16=54

Poem #2 Total Points: 21+13+18= 52+2= 54

Poem #3 Total Points: 25+10+16=51+2= 53

Winner from Round 2-

Poem #5

Title: The Elevator-Gang

We are standing stiff on the first floor
like freshly jarred pickles.
Oxygen crops into the size
of sour breath, whilst
sandwiched between perverted hands,
I can read the sleepless, sex-
deprived nights on their stubbly
chins, trying to ignore
the itch of my tongue.

Since the poet from round 1 and Round 2 are different, there will be a round 3.