Amreen's Poems

Please read the poems below, and comment with what one you think is the best! Thank you.

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#1
God is indeed around

An illuminating sun basks in the glory of a virgin sunrise
and the birds flight
in the search of food.
Their journey isn't the same always
still they trust their creator
who has promised to feed their stomach
with the survival of every dawn.

Yet we look around for dreams
with a heart of despair
and etch the smiles we lived once
with haunted memories of failure.
Our minds hold a faded belief for him;
whose caring shadow resides within our shadow
and live a life of disbelief
where every breath seems half past dead.

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#2
Seeds of deception

Sarah forgot her-
who helped her discover dreams
and turn their empty home
filled with remains of yesterdays' abuse and bruised memories
to a haven etched with happiness,
as she presumed her mother
to be the photographer of her disturbed childhood
by slaughtering her love,
to fulfil her devil father's promise
he made to her in silent whispers of falsity.

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#3
The Incomplete Lullaby

It is late evening-
the sun has embraced dreams
in the cradle of sleep
and a full moon shines
in the deep black sky.

Little Adi returns home
after playing in the fields
and sits under the banyan tree
in his courtyard.
A bright ray of light falls on his face.

He gazes to see
the glowing shimmer of the moon.
Happiness fills his face with a smile
and hope brims his heart
as he thinks of his unfulfilled wish.

And he initiates a conversation.

"O Moon, round and white!
you seem so bright tonight.
I have noticed you ruled the night in variant phases
and to see you complete today
shows your happiness.

I know you were upset for days
that you hid your beauty and grace
behind the curtain of clouds
and not lighten up my little hut since.
But now, you seem to have forgiven me.

So now that we are friends,
Could I ask you for a small help.
But please don't get angry
if it doesn't go for you.
Its just a wish you see.

My dad is a poor mason working in the city
who leaves for work early in the morning
and returns home late at night.
Sadly, I'm not awake to see him come and go.

He uses the village road-
filled with pits and made of uneven stones,
also dangerous insects dwell there,
so it gets late for him to travel back home.

Moon, O Moon, you are so great!
Could you dim your brightness from over my hut
and shine deeply bright at the village road?
Its fine if your light doesnt reach my little house
but let my father come home early tonight.

Then I could meet him and share with him
about my school and my friends,
a lot which I missed to say
since days,
hug him and say 'Daddy' with love.

Moon my friend, fade soon today.
For then I won't be sad that you are angry on me,
rather it would signal you
protecting my father
and fulfilling my promise."

Adi ends his one-way conversation
with the silent Moon
and covers his eyes
but peeps through the gaps in his fingers
towards the Moon.

He then walks toward his hut
and reaching at the door
looks back at the sky
to stare at the round Moon
and winks at it before entering home.

Ok - so this has been the toughest choice for me - because I like them all for different reasons.

I think #3 is your best poem because it runs smoothly and tells a story that is clear and gives simple imagery which the reader can follow easy, so for this reason I will pick #3.

But I actually prefer #2 for the wording and the depth of it, however I think maybe if this poem was edited a little, maybe a little more punctuation to break it up for the reader, then it might read better? I can then imagine it as a small, but very powerful poem. The wording here does appeal to me, but the flow was a bit rocky without the punctuation I think it would benefit from.

And just for your own information - my favourite poem of yours is actually your animal one " tears in her eyes" - I thought that was so touching. It is my favourite for sure. xx

I think #3 is the best for me

Number 3 is my favorite out of this bunch. It is a very touching story. However, I completely agree with Saffie that "Tears In Her Eyes" is most definitely the best out of your whole collection. I've found myself going back to it multiple times.

# 3 for me is pure delight. I love a good story, especially one in which innocence is the principle actor. The fact that you left the story just as you did was perfect. You did not succumb to supernatural events yet you did not disappoint Little Adi.

1 would be my next choice, although what I took as the message is pretty obscure: that the creatures (birds) without doubt live more than those who have no room in thier heart for the spiritual reality.

2 is so full of run-ons that the meaning is distorted.

I like the idea behind poem number 1. Though the story on number 3 was able to grab my attention the most.

Thank you guys for the feedback!:)

Thanks Saff for the post and I too agree that The Tears is one of the best I wrote or something which is very close to me as I love animals a lot! Infact, that even won a poetry prize in a UK contest.

Thanks everyone:)