A message from the Queen of the UK.

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

(saw this on Facebook and thought it made sense)

Sweeeet!!

LMAO!!!!

Lmaoooooooo

This....was funny!

I have a problem with the football one...and the gas...but there is always something to bitch about, so...welcome Queen Elizabeth, I'll take you over what we have now any day!

Humourous/humorous! :)

I've asked the Queen and she has also agreed that the date shall be written in day/month/year formant. No more of this yankee month/day/year madness.

:)

Very funny. How did we become such a joke, Americans? Can we please get ourselves together?!

I watched a survey conducted on the streets of America a few years ago. The question to the public...name a Country beginning with A...not one person said America...

Alabama and Alaska came up a fair bit but, when it was pointed out they were states not countries the trend shifted overseas...Australia and Afghanistan were among the most popular answers.

I believe there was a candidate in the GOP primary, that left us with the impression he thought Africa was a country.

http://youtu.be/ve0Jjr9EC0Q

Santorum: 'Africa Was A Country On The Brink'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve0Jjr9EC0Q

I'm not sure if you're trying to be very diplomatic here Mike in pointing out that Africa...together with north and south America (and Australia for that matter) are actually continents as opposed to countries? Well, that's true of course, but...I've never filled out a boarding/landing card that asks which continent I reside in/ have visited recently...it's always the country so...in that respect I consider American a country?

Normally I would be pretentious and act like I thought of the continent thing ,but am trying to avoid that lately

Reminds me when my cousin tried to tell the rooster on the roof riddle, but said a chicken instead of a rooster to a wise hen that pointed out his error as he laughed and said chickens don't lay eggs

The riddle was supposed to be a rooster on a roof with zero wind lays an egg top dead center. Which way does the egg roll?

Maybe in a metaphoric way we both laid an egg. lol

Oh cool...you know how to spell continent as well as know what it is...bonus...top marks to you Mike...now where were you when this survey was going on?

I Did NOT lay an egg!!! I was quoting from a past survey...I always knew America was a continent...well...you are really greedy and have two but...that's ok!!! (Spoken in my best Shelwin Cooper accent ) haha!!!

Everything reminds of a joke

My sister took my brother in law
to a psychiatrist.
After she told the doctor he has believed he is a chicken for the last year
The doctor asked why she waited so long!

My sister replied "I needed the eggs "

To be fair there is a lot to admire about America as well.

The one thing I do admire is the flag flying, you don't have to walk too far to see a stars and stripes.

Did you know if I was to fly the union jack from my roof I would be told to remove it by my local council. It can be seen as a move to incite hatred or racism.

can you believe that?

In this country we pander to the minority.

I exclude Scotland from this as the Scots are as patriotic as the Americans.

Here we are not allowed to be English.