:)

Things you don't deserve

by Lja Hoegel

June 6, 2014 at 4:27pm

I loved you
like they love hierarchies

the order of the hungry days on the calendar

the perfect and disturbing number of the edges of the curves

of your face

the sequential order

ribonucleic

of the words stuck, dried

in our suspended moments

like soap bubbles

destined to burst in a while

I loved you

between the wet sheets

where I lost myself

dissolving votes

dissolving knots

dissolving myself

deconstructing my artistic velleity

unnecessary, at this juncture

no, not now, not here

when I have in front of me the opera omnia

Your body naked and silent

and free

and dull and without explanation

I survived

at the end of the ideals

I was little

he lit the television

fires were lit in the streets

walls collapsed

flags were burned

- it was believed - it was right

I also believe

That I was right

the righteous, yes, the righteous

think too much

and are destined to die

and in fact I 'm dancing with Thanatos

For some years now ,

Actually since I've been alive,

and what can you do it´s my life , the life, mine .

I have like a worm inside

An infiltration , which corrodes the walls of the soul

even when - just when -

I think I'm happy

When my hands tight slightly that dirty piece of cloth

which they say is happiness

A trickle of sadness

that form immense chasms

huge stalactites

cosmic, karst * landscapes in which to lose

not happy , anyway

a black hole at the center of my solar plexus

for all the defeats of history

summarized blissfully in me

in all my mistakes - the compulsion to repeat

and in my complete nullity

I would like to be born

in the steppes of a not well-known sovietic

socialist republic

unskilled worker, perhaps foreman

a piece in a bigger design

gaping and bumpy, but bigger than me

the dream of dreams of real socialism
more real than a punch in the face

or than the cold when is thirty degrees below zero

that takes your breath away

But I lose myself

without points of reference

I wait for you at home, listlessly ,

I and all the weight of my nullity '

sixty pounds to be exact

in hospital I have been greased -

I would like to sink

inside of me

tossed inside

like a glove

and show you all my inmost being ,

the hideous tangle of intestines knotted, but never like thoughts

if this could help in any way

I would like to be a puppet

For a good firewood

to be cut to get us chairs, stools

I would like to be helpful to someone about something

in this senseless life

in which I am a bank account

a customer, a data of market

a vacuum to lose

I'm not worth 'cause I do not work , I haven´t studied enough

'cause I do not have kids, ' cause my phone is from 2000´s

I just want to die

rot in the bed , in the secrecy of a forest

soak in the silence

become grass

trees that synthesize nutrients through me

devoured by the wild beasts by worms by flies

be finally

one

Stop thinking

stop loving you

stop trying to be happy and being sad because I can´t be whole happy

should love you less

love you otherwise

- you would not even realize of -

and not feel anymore this dark lump

enveloping

in the place of the heart

* Karst topography is a landscape formed from the dissolution of soluble rocks such as limestone, dolomite, and gypsum It is characterised by underground drainage systems with sinkholes, dolines, and caves