Butterflies

I'm so confused, but I'm really not. Maybe it's all in my head. I want to believe him, but I don't. Things are changing. In the beginning, it was perfect. I was still in my cocoon when I found him. He was beautiful, but he was stubborn and independent. The more we talked, the more I grew. Ever so slowly, he let me in, showing me parts of him no other person has ever been allowed to see. Or so I thought. We didn't know why this happened. We might never meet face to face, but here we are still. I loved him completely. I held nothing back, and for the first few months he shaped my new life. I felt special. I meant something to a man who cared so little what others thought of him. Why did my opinion matter? He cared for me, and I came to life. He gave me my wings. I relished this new feeling. His words made my heart trip, and I was eager to read every one. I couldn't get enough. I remembered what my father used to tell me when I was younger, and this WAS too good to be true. I ignored the doubts and let myself believe that this would last, that he would never hurt me. He started to act differently when I expressed my adoration. I would wait all day to hear from him, only to get a few words before going to sleep. I missed him so deeply. My heart was aching, and I was sure an echocardiogram would show all the tiny tears that no one could see. I cried for weeks even though we continued to talk. I knew I had made a dire mistake, but I couldn't stuff the words back down my throat. Gone were all the little pet names he called me, the little kisses, and the tenderness in his voice when he said my name. Conversation was wooden, and I had no one else to talk to but my journal. Every day was a struggle, but I stopped telling him how much he was hurting me. He didn't believe it, wouldn't acknowledge it. I felt like I was having conversations with myself. He assured me that he was just listening to me talk, but I knew. I felt that something was wrong. I hadn't heard him laugh in so long, that I could barely remember the sound of it. Even now, I don't know what possessed me to write him that first day, but I wouldn't go back. Sure, I wouldn't be damaged, but I would still be in a cocoon instead of a beautiful butterfly with a torn wing. I don't know how much longer I can take the pain, but I can't let him go. <3

O sweetie it's painful it sucks to trust in someone and then have that person deprive you of that safety net that you were so used to being there you will let him go but it will hurt just take a little time

I was texting him last night and told him I thought he liked me, and he said you're my friend. I reminded him that he had said that I had the best chance of any girl to be with him when he was ready for a relationship, and that he would rather cuddle with me than any other girl. He said that's true, and I asked which one is it? Do you have friendship feelings for me, or something more than friends? He said I don't know, and I said that's not fair. You can't do that to me. He said I'm sorry, and now he told me he's going camping with some friends for two days and that he won't have cell reception. I feel like I won't be able to function without him. We have talked every day for a year. I feel like this is a game to him, but he says it's not. I don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore. It hurts because I trusted him more than anyone else, and I wanted to be with him more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole life. My feelings for him aren't less than they were. I'm still in love with him, it's just buried beneath the anger and betrayal that I feel. He's hurting me so much, and I keep letting him. I feel like I've gotten a little bit smarter though. I stopped sending him songs and poems. I stopped sending him pictures of me. I stopped showing affection when we talk. It doesn't seem to be affecting him at all, which makes me wonder if he ever cared about me in the first place. I won't let him rope me in again if he were to try to be sweet to me, but it hurts like hell to think it was only me this whole time. I was the only one who wanted this. I was the only one who felt anything. I am afraid that when the hurting stops, I will be numb and I'll never let anyone close enough to hurt me again.

Darling I hate to be negative but I was in a similar situation for two and a half years,I gave this guy my heart and soul and he crushed them yet I still love him, but fourteen days after we broke up 14 January of this year he suddenly had another womans pictures all over Facebook and I confronted him about it, cause how does someone throw away two and a half years of supposed love in just fourteen days? He fought with her, beat her up in front of her two little boys, but now they're back together and she's two months pregnant with his child, but he still tells me he loves me but because of"situations"he can't be with me.so I just said thanks but no thanks,I love you but I'm not putting myself through this bull ####again, I'm still trying to heal the wounds he left in me, I'd never loved anyone the way I loved him,I literally gave him everything that I was that could possibly be given short of giving him my physical being and now I thank God I didn't do that cause I might have ended up in that other womans situation

Darling I hate to be negative but I was in a similar situation for two and a half years,I gave this guy my heart and soul and he crushed them yet I still love him, but fourteen days after we broke up 14 January of this year he suddenly had another womans pictures all over Facebook and I confronted him about it, cause how does someone throw away two and a half years of supposed love in just fourteen days? He fought with her, beat her up in front of her two little boys, but now they're back together and she's two months pregnant with his child, but he still tells me he loves me but because of"situations"he can't be with me.so I just said thanks but no thanks,I love you but I'm not putting myself through this bull ####again, I'm still trying to heal the wounds he left in me, I'd never loved anyone the way I loved him,I literally gave him everything that I was that could possibly be given short of giving him my physical being and now I thank God I didn't do that cause I might have ended up in that other womans situation

You can survive without a man or woman by your side trust me nuns do it all the time they have God but that's it they can't marry they can't have children they will forever be alone in a relationship they kind of are married to God in a way it happens they have to die virgins

True, but nuns, and this is simply my opinion I'm not knocking nuns or anything, but I feel that people who choose to be nuns, many of them are hiding from something, whether it be the world or themselves, and I can almost guarantee that many if not most nuns are probably not Virgins, they possibly are lost women who have committed an act which someone in their life has deemed as sinful, and so the poor, tainted souls scurry off to find shelter and comfort in the one place where they feel that they will be surrounded by godliness and peace, forgetting that as a nun they will be judged more severely by their God when the time comes, for their sins will be more highlighted by the fact that they were representatives of the organisation that calls itself religion.I myself, find that I could never live as a nun, abstain from the pleasurable activities this world has to offer, like take lovemaking for example, if God wanted it to be a sinful act why would he make it pleasurable to both parties, he could have made it horrid for everyone until the day they married, yet he didn't, he made it so that we gain pleasure from it no matter when where how and with whom we do it.

I coiuld be a nun no offence lol I have done stuff I'm not proud of but I"m still a nun and that may be true sometimes others it's not

Ha ha no I couldn't ever, I'd feel to guilty constantly with my occurrences in life, so yeah...

Thank you for the replies :) I am feeling better!!

That's great to hear!!! :-)

No problem :)

The thought of meeting her on the road by accident gave me hair-raising butterflies in the stomach.