Should I tell him...?

So I am completely confused on how to handle my affairs of the heart :P Long story short...I think that I've fallen in love with a man I work with and I have no idea how to handle it. I met him 2 years ago when I started going to a local martial arts school and we become really close friends, we'll call him J. He become my confidence booster in training, my humorious relief at tournaments and tests and when I'd had a long day teaching, because he understood the martial arts world and the stress and is about the only person my age that I train with. I was in a long term long distance relationship though so we never could persue more than just a close friendship.

My bf and my relationship was strained to say the least though, we'd been dealing with long distance most of our 7 years together, he lived in a different country and I never got to see him. I knew my relationship wasn't going to last but I was trying hard to make it work despite knowing it wouldn't. J knew my relationship was sinking and was there for me at all hours as a friend and told me he was getting attached and cared very much for me. I got attached to him too, which was my sign that I should have called off things with my bf but he was very unstable and I was afraid of how he'd react so I just tried to juggle. Stupid on my part and wrong but I can't change that mistake now.

J and I continued to talk and become closer all the way until Nov., him saying that he cared about me and wasn't interested in anyone else but me. I never told him why I was staying with my bf though, that I was scared of how my bf would react because of his violent temper and how unstable he was, which was my 2nd mistake. But I finally was brave enough to end things just before Thanksgiving with my bf, it was as bad as I was expecting but I did it, saying it was for me and no other reason, which it was because the relationship had started to turn abusive on his end and dishonest on mine.

J texted me 2 weeks before I ended things with my bf telling me that he had a gf all of a sudden though and saying that we couldn't talk anymore. Totally threw me for a loop since just a week before that text he'd been reassuring me he cared and was there. Now...he won't even talk to me or look at me when we see each other and he shoves his new gf in my face, which in all honesty I understand and can't blame him for, I deserve the punishment.

I know that I screwed up the whole thing a lot and made a lot of mistakes, both with J and my bf, and didn't treat either how I should have, which I feel horrible about but my question is.....
Everything in me wants to message J, who I haven't talked to really since Thanksgiving, and at least explain why I stayed with my bf so long and apologize for not explaining it at the time and hurting him. I hate knowing that he's probably thinking badly of me and feeling that I just lead him on about my feelings. I truly care about him and of course I want him to be happy, even if that means I have to let him go. Everything in me wants to tell him I meant it when I said I cared about him, that I still do and apologize and then let him decide what to do from there but I don't know if I should. Should I message him or just quietly wait longer to see what happens? The longer I don't message him though the more he seems to hate me, like he's waiting for me to say something. Should I message him? Or just suffer the pain quietly? I'm so confused. Advice please? Other than that I screwed up, which I know :P

From what I can gather: I don't think you just screwed up. You seemed confused yet you had a good idea that you were intent on keeping both of them. J's just the friend (who desires you) that's nice to have around as backup and my guess is that he got tired of that. Other wise even if he does get a gf, there wouldn't be a point in telling you in that way and letting you know that you guys can't talk anymore. There goes the chipped heart of a man. It is, however, evidence that he does have stronger feelings for you than you had for him. If you've changed your mind about him and his value to you, talk to him. I'm almost certain he will respond. If this is just to go with original plan of making him the backup, forget it. You've already damaged the friendship and your less than true feelings won't be enough to hold the relationship anyway. OR it's just my cynical assumptions. Prove me wrong if you wish.

Thank you for your response, at this point I appreciate any help to make sense of things :P

You're right, I was confused, my now ex-bf was only my 2nd serious relationship and I hadn't had much experience with dating before him :P Mostly I was a coward though. Of course I loved my bf but he scared me too, knowing his temper and how he'd handle it if I left him, which was what I knew I wanted to do for 8 months. So I took the cowards way out and choose not to confront the issue of ending the relationship even though I knew I couldn't and didn't want to remain in it. I knew that I couldn't keep both and honestly didn't want to. Maybe a part of me did because I'd put 8 years of my life into the relationship and didn't want to throw it away but...I knew then and know now that I want J and seriously care about him.

You're right that he probably got very tired of waiting around and I'd guess that he feels used and like his feelings weren't taken seriously, even though I tried to tell him that they were...actions still speak louder than words and he probably took my staying as a sign that I wasn't sincere.

I'm terrified to message him though, I wouldn't blame him if he rejected any attempts that I make, but you're right. If I truly care about him, which I do, and want to try to fix things then I need to suck it up and be an adult about it and hope that he forgives me and still cares. I guess I can take the fact that he refuses to talk to me when we're in the same room or even look at me and that he's getting more cold the more time that passes as a sign the he still cares and me not making a move is effecting him :P I feel guilty for hurting him and then putting myself into his current relationship though :P

Thank you for being honest and for giving me advice :)

Appreciation appreciated :) I'm only going by my assumptions.

Good that I find a similar page with you. You seem well enough aware of yourself and the reactions to your actions. Let's see if you find similarity in my chaotic randomness. Oh I love the twisting of morality..no higher ground than self-centered awareness - fancy for selfishness haha. Now then..to war! Are you sure he's in a relationship? Seen her? How does she compare to you? Not that you'd absolutely have to defeat her to win him but he's also comparing whether it's morally sound or not. It's not wrong to fix your friendship with him..even if he's in a relationship. Technically it's only fair you present yourself willing as he did so long as lines are not crossed. You two found common ground in being open despite lines in the sand. Go back to that. Tell him exactly what you would tell him about your situation before you two stopped communicating. To get him to meet you halfway, you'd have to be on your edge. If he's still not interested then at least going back in a straight line is better than circling around. Then you'd be able to move onto someone more suitable (someone with higher eq). *end randomness*

It is appreciated :) Also the unsugar coated honesty is greatly appreciated as well :)

I do try to be very aware of my actions and the effect they have on others, sometimes a little too aware. Why I feel a little guilty for wanting to win his affections back, she's technically an innocent bystander in the game and I don't want to be the cause of her pain even though...I kinda do if it means I get him :P Maybe a little selfish of me but honest.

*sighs* Yes, I'm sure. I met her at the schools Christmas party, he made a point of keeping her close to him any time I was close, like he was rubbing it in my face. They weren't really affectionate but they weren't not affectionate either. We were playfully affectionate together when we were talking, as friends of course, so I expected more pda from him towards a gf. Guess that's hope as well for me?

She nice enough from what I saw, completely out of her depth in the martial arts world that we live in which I'm hoping is a problem since it's a big part of who he is. She's not super attractive but she's pretty. Seemed more barbie doll than level headed though and all our school family is against her since he's dropping obligations and never around now that she's around...everyones been pushing for us (yay me?). I don't want her to get hurt for my own happiness but it does kinda come down to me or her winning doesn't it? :P

Honestly...it would hurt like crazy but I would settle for just having our friendship back, I miss our friendship as much as I miss his care. Of course lines won't be crossed, he's very firmly moral on cheating and so on, but...opening myself up to get hurt is not something I'm good at doing in the least, he knows I'm a pretty introverted person so maybe if I open myself up and explain things to him, apologize to him for my handling of the situation and show that I'm laying myself open...it might count for something. He's a very stubborn man who doesn't open himself up much either so it probably hurt him more that I never explained why I was doing what I was.

I totally didn't handle him telling me he was dating her and couldn't talk to me the same anymore very well, it caused a kneejerk type reaction so I just dropped the phone and never replied back. I did message him on Thanksgiving, just wishing him and his family a happy holiday, and he was very playful and friendly...almost like it was before but then it just stopped. I've been trying so hard to be respectful of his wishes, or at least what he told me, but I'm afraid I'll lose him completely, both his love and friendship if I don't do something :P You're right though...at least I'd know where I stood and could adjust my life to that. Blah, things were so much easier when issues between boys and girls was he stole my crayon lol

Martial arts would be considered base for your friendship but I don't think it would be for a relationship (role play in br aside). Seeing as he's willing to sac training for her means she's not at a disadvantage there. She's showing the aspects of a relationship that weren't available through you. Your only moral and logical option would be to gain your friendship back first. So maybe not telling him all for now. Keep a friendly distance that let's him know it's just friendship you seek. It's all that you can do without crossing moral lines. UNLESS it's worth while for both of you (to be willing) to do so. Seriously would any man be solid as a rock in the face of temptation or solid as a rock in the face of temptation? Eventually we all break one way or another.
Any one else you might be interested in right now? You're young but you can't wait for ages (especially not on another person's relationship to end for you, unless it can end sooner than later haha).

It is a big aspect our lives since we're both teachers of it but you're probably right. Consoling myself that he has a lot of things on his plate right now that would be keeping him busy since he's running his families 300 acre ranch now, getting ready to start police academy this month and dealing with his brothers serious health issues. Hoping those are the factoring things as to why he's been skipping class and just dropping out of things more than her. I've been the one who has gone to all the funerals to support him, done the extra stuff for the fund raising for his brothers medical and was the one trying to keep him laughing some through it all so I'm hoping that counts for a little since she didn't go to any of it even after they started dating.

True, true, temptation is hard not to cave to sooner or later. I know he finds me a temptation so I guess I have that in my favor, even though I don't want him to cave if it means he'd be unhappy about it. I want so very much more but if friendship is all I can have right now then I'd take that, it's better than losing him completely.

*smiles some* No, I struggle to open up enough to let people close. Not interested in anyone else. I'm too practical thinking when it comes to choosing people to let myself open up to...except with J, tried to keep my distance in the first place but clearly didn't work lol And I know, I've spent years waiting for a man (my ex) and have no desire to do it again :P But...my heart isn't listening darn it

You do make him sound good haha and quite the temptation to you too. Such is the beauty of relationships. I used to be all about the struggles of love and hate well..actually, being married now is a continuation of that haha. He does have a lot on his plate. It's the opportunity for a friend to continue showing her support or give desired distance. Just let him know you are still here/there. It'd be a chance for him to have time to get a better picture of his life as well. Wouldn't you like an even more polished version of Mr J?

Haha He is vexingly good, talented at everything he does and a very good man, and I say that totally outside of my feelings for him. He is indeed a very big temptation to me, considering I stuck with my long distance relationship for 8 years with very little temptation not to struggle through the distance and my ex's tendencies until J came along, darn him.

*laughs* Yes, being married is just a continuation of that struggle I would imagine haha But I hope that it suits you well and makes you happy, thats what makes all the struggle and game of love and hate worth it :)

He does have an incredible load on his plate but I don't even know how to reach out to him at this point. I tried to talk to him in passing, just our normal antics at the Christmas party and he completely brushed it off. I haven't texted him in over 2 months so I don't know how me randomly texting him will be taken. Do I just text him telling him I feel like I've lost his friendship and that I miss it and am here if he wants a friend....do I sit and write him an email explaining my actions trying to clear the air and apologizing but telling him that I'm here as a friend if he wants me to be...*sighs* Love is confusing haha

I'm rather afraid that if I just give him time he'll slip farther away thinking I don't care and I'll lose him completely :P And...I don't know if I could handle an even better version of him, could be dangerous to my well being haha

Ssooo...I just ran across this topic and reread all of it...a lot has happened lol

So J ended up marrying the girl after 8 months. I ended up starting to date one of J's friends, classmate & teacher 7 months after J rejected me, turns out he had liked me since I started training & was just waiting for my sinking relationship to end & me to figure out he was there lol My bf & I went to J's wedding & my bf was one of J's groomsman. It was awkward but J & I were able to be friendly at least. J still wasn't talking to me much but I continued to try to be his friend anyways.

Sadly J's marriage only lasted 9 months, he signed his divorce papers the beginning of June after realizing just how crazy & horrible his wife was. It was awkward some but J came & stayed at my bf's & my house during his divorce. Once his relationship failed we all of a sudden had our friendship back how it was. I'm now engaged to my bf & J is one of our groomsman. Again it's awkward but it's working well & I just ignore the awkward since even though I still adore J...he's not on the table for me & I have no doubt about my fiancé who I've now been with 2 years.

J still watches me too much & stares a lot but I choose to ignore that & focus on we have our playful friendship again. Nothing else will ever be there. He made the wrong choice back then, which I know he regrets, but I made the right choice by respecting his choices, I couldn't be more happy than I am with my fiancé. Now I just hope J can find a woman who sees & loves how amazing he is like I did

Your story is both happy and sad. I am happy for you, now that you are getting married, and by the feel of it, that you are very sure of your fiance'. But I can't help but think of J and if he still has feelings for you. In my mind, it would be better if you talk and settle things out. :-)

It is indeed bitter sweetly happy. I'm thankful we're back to being friends, like he's currently sitting on my couch, eating cupcakes I just made while watching a movie with my fiance and I. I am heartbroken for him that his wife was what I thought she was and that he was hurt so badly but at the same time thankful that he's no longer in his toxic relationship.

It's a little awkward sometimes still, at least for me, because I know that in a way he's still interested. He's happy for me and he and my fiance are rather like brothers but the way he watches me and follows me with his eyes and checks out what I'm wearing...I think apart of him is still interested but he's respectful and would never let it get in the way. My fiance is comfortable with him completely being around me, even if he's not home, and we're both comfortable in the situation as well. I don't know if talking it out really would help or just make it weird, given he's a groomsman in our wedding in 4 months, but at least we're on good terms and he can find someone else who sees his worth and amazingness and appreciates that like I always did :)

I always did :) to