For or Against ... Pre-Marital Counseling

Those of you who are married already -- did you attend pre-marital counseling? Was it required or a desire of yours? Did you go through a church? Did you find it valuable? If you didn't go -- why did you choose not to?

Those of you engaged - are you currently going through this process? Why or why not? If you are, has it been helpful?

Those of you who are either dating or otherwise single -- do you plan to do this? Why or why not?

Wow, good topic. Being single, and praying and looking to someday marry if that's God's plan... whenever it happens... I would love to plan this into my time with my fiancee. I would want it to be something we both want to agree to go to, obviously, and work on. I definitely support marriage counseling and if there are big topics or disagreements before marriage, (like children, discipline, etc) that should be addressed. It would only be beneficial. Both partners would have to be on board though. Like I go to counseling now, and if my fiancee does as well, I would ask if he would be interesting in making it like a group session and try it out. Either we could go to a new therapist all together who specializes in marriage counseling (with a Christian perspective) or someone we are already familiar with.

I was at one point in my life engaged (a complete mistake in my book, but I was younger), so on that mentality I wish we had we could've worked it over and we would've been married now.

Single right now so I do plan to take it whenever I do get married or engaged my bad.

I feel like there are a lot of people around me that are anti counseling, so it's interesting to see! :)

In my first marriage, very Catholic, pre-marital counseling was required (Bans of Matrimony) - the marriage lasted over 20 years.

In my current marriage there was none at all. It's been 18 years and counting.

From where I come from or I should say Hindus don't usually have this pre-marital counseling. Wish we did! Some marriages are arranged and some are not and we do have a choice but sometimes this choice comes too late.

In my case after my engagement we had lots and lots of problem which continued through the marriage. No one was there to counsel or help us. But in the midst of it we managed to find a balance. Its been 20 years for me and counting.

Interesting topic!

I think there can be amazing marriages with or without, but the great thing is (proper) counseling can lead you to these important discussions people unfortunately don't think about.. I believe it's so important to be on the same page!

Everyone winds up playing the newlywed game, whether they had counseling or not, and are usually surprised at how little they truly knew their spouse.

I LOVE the newlywed game! It's hilarious to see how you spouse sees you.

Having been engaged for 7 years...I think that if we had gone through counseling it would've helped a lot, we would have ended it a lot sooner with a lot less pain haha

My current boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage though and if I have a choice I don't think I want to do counseling though. He's Catholic though so I might not have a choice lol I've studied psychology as has he and we're good at discussing things and stepping back to see the other side so I think I'd rather free it out ourselves if we choose to take that step. Big fan of it though!

Before I answer your questions, here's how people get married where I live; Here, traditional marriages happen after one or more meetings between the man and woman, organized by their families. Then, they have a day where they agree on certain things they need to get married, like the terms/ conditions of the marriage, the date and place, and any other issues that they would like to make clear (the bride and groom, not families). Then, they legally get married, but are announced ''engaged'' in society. They are then free to move in and have a wedding party whenever they like (which is when they are considered ''married'' by society). This is because the majority of the population is muslim and it is done to make sure youth do not commit sin, and so the marriage is not forced. Before the ''engagement'' and after the meetings, there is a manditory blood test (to avoid having babies with hereditary diseases, especially because cousins can marry in islam), and a -newly established- manditory one sitting counselling before the results of the blood test (which is new, due to the traditional marriages, which can also be between teens).

So, I was married like that, with a phone/ whatsapp two and a half month period after the meetings and before the engagement. I felt the counselling was very beneficial, and the lady gave us great topics to talk about before the engagement party, and it helped us realise what we were getting into. We were also given the opportunity to have more sittings -government payed- whenever we wanted, but we didn't because we felt it was enough. We can still get more counselling now in case we have any problems.

I think counselling in the case of a quick marriage, like what happens in Bahrain, is very good. It gives a clear vision of what you should talk and agree about and what to expect from your spouse in marriage. It is beneficial for any couple thinking about marriage, even if they've been living together forever and have kids because it gives you that third person view into the relationship and helps you see things from another viewpoint.

^^WOW you have a lot to get through before marriage. It something like what we Hindus have. In the case of an arranged marriage- after finding a suitable girl/boy parents will look into family background etc. If they are happy the next step is horoscope. If the horoscope matches then the boy and his family will come and see the girl. After the visit the boy & girl agrees then marriage goes ahead. But before that its engagement then after some months marriage.

they have a day where they agree on certain things they need to get married, like the terms/ conditions of the marriage, the date and place, and any other issues that they would like to make clear (the bride and groom, not families).

^^We too follow these procedures but it also involves the family.

There is no such thing as counselling other then the elders in the family and the bride and groom are given the opportunity to just go out and be with each other for some time to talk, get to know each other etc. The bride does not go to the grooms house at until after marriage. But the bride's family will make a trip to the groom's house to see where they live etc.

A whole lot of things happen and a whole lot of checking up but whatever said and done it all comes down to how the bride and groom live with each other as they learn to know each other.

We have time to check into the man and woman's background too, but not the horoscope, because we don't really believe in that.
And the day of the terms/conditions... etc also includes the family... sometimes extended, not only immidiate.
Oh, and we have a dowry, but the guy pays it, not the girl.

The guys pay the dowry!! So lucky in our customs its always the girl who has to give the dowry and if she does not bring a fat dowry she is looked down upon, sometimes ill treated. On top of that the boy has to be gifted(in some cases) with a car, motorcycle, house etc...there are extremes too.

I really dislike the dowry system, its like a price is fixed on the bride and she is valued by her possessions rather then for her qualities.

In Islam, the dowry is treated like a gift. It can be as simple as a copy of the quran and as complicated as millions of dollars and gold and jewellery. It's up to the bride and her family to choose what they want, but the less the dowry, the more blessed the marriage is.
Nowadays women see how much it'll cost to get ready for marriage, buying clothes and things, or for the wedding arangements, then they ask for the amount of money they will spend in getting ready.

Yes to pre-marital counseling-

i am in a relationship right now, but i am older than the my bf. and for me going thru marital counseling would give us an idea on how its like once married, or what to expect and how to handle it... counseling for me is beneficial in a way that it will guide us,will give us a clear picture and best way to handle each and every situation.

mrital counseling might be basic, but its better to have an understanding rather than totally clueless