Workshop! RRE (Read, Revise, Edit!)

I was thinking the other day about how I never re-visit my poems or edit them. And how I haven't been reading or critiquing many poems lately. So to dust off the wordy cobwebs and to oil on the poetic engines, I've thought of a little idea that might be fun and educational at the same time.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS
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If you wants help with a poem, or critique, or another perspective, pm the poem to me. I will read it, and make some edits where I think there could be improvements, give a little critique. (Of course it'll only be my uneducated opinion but it might be useful.) I will then post the both the edited and unedited versions on here, where people can guess which version is which, and can comment and make their own edits and suggestions. We could guess who the author is if that makes things more interesting too :)

Basically it might be a good way to get looking at critical elements of poems, and how we can practice editing skills.

FEEL FREE to post your own edits, share and compare your edited/unedited versions and ask for the opinions of your esteemed PnQ comrades, you can post direct on here if its easier than messaging them to me.

The first poem submitted is a mini-epic! I'll post the edited and unedited versions (both very similar), feel free to jump in with suggestions and/or comments. Any guesses which is edited or unedited? Who is the mystery PnQer who penned the poem? :)

Version 1.

Six billion different souls intertwine -
different ideals and opposed views
a scab on the skin of the earth,
once picked will only bleed questions.

Only thirty six are worthy, truly,
to stand and hold up a society
that crumbles like a crust desiccated
in scorched heat.
Thirty six dominoes rooted
whilst anonymous millions fall -
taking down fresh ideas
cures for cancerous diseases
future generations
mothers, brothers and sons.

As you stand on the shoreline,
wondering why you see in semi circles and
marvelling at the expanse of life,
as the wet sand moulds around your toes
holding on to its infrequent visitor
with a mind open to others.
Somewhere, (hidden in poetry)
more life is extinguished,
one more ejected into middled-um -
equilibrium reaches tipping point,
my journey starts by falling to my knees.

It is here I find inscribed into stone -

many roads travelled
branches spawn yet more branches,
questions unanswered,

a bush of charcoal
remnants of tableau exist,
dusty tome of war.

My mind travels
to a succulent forest, where
flora remains virgin,
development yet to be developed.
Timber exhaling as anchoring
roots continue to stretch,
blossoming sentinels of enchantment
and peace, tranquillity oozing and dancing
through entwined limbs,
sharing raindrops.

A tomb the only embellishment
granite standing soldier-like,
alien amongst gargantuan oaks
screaming for attention,
a chiselled message
proving human trespass.

And as life cycles turn,
should prophets earn a profit
when trading insults?

Reminicing on the mud and metal
of war leaves men feeling raw,
a few footsteps gained.

I daydream to a mountain top
another stone out of place,
auspicious amongst believers
of one almighty faith.
Here I find confusion in the cloak
of normality, unable to speak, to feast
to enjoy, to destroy -
banished from communities
living my one life as an oddity
following the bell that tolls.

When, finally I have an audience,
I ask aloud and with conviction -

whilst humanity has opposites,
whilst God has his Demon,
whilst good shows us bad,
whilst life ends with death,
the din shatters silence,
dreams distort reality,
man has woman,
boy has girl,
darkness shares its time with light -

What is Earth's antonym?
Is there another world where only the thirty six dwell
removed from this place
to ensure our souls can wander?

I awaken next to you
knee deep in seawater,
face filling with this angry current.
I drown for seeing too much.

*****************************

Version 2.

Thirty six righteous men.

Six billion different souls intertwine
so many different ideals
too many opposed views
a scab on the face of the earth
once picked will only offer more questions.

Only thirty six are truly worthy
to stand and hold up
a society that crumbles
like a crust desiccated in scorched heat
thirty six dominoes rooted
whilst so many millions fall
taking down fresh ideas
cures for cancerous diseases
future generations
mothers, brothers and sons.

As you stand on the shoreline
wondering why you see in semi circles
marvelling at the expanse of life
as the wet sand moulds around your toes
holding on to it's infrequent visitor
with a mind open to others.
Somewhere hidden in poetry
more life is extinguished
another soul ejected into middled-um
equilibrium reaches tipping point
my journey starts by falling to my knees.

It is here I find inscribed into stone

many roads travelled
branches spawn yet more branches
questions unanswered

a bush of charcoal
remnants of tableau exist
dusty tome of war

My mind travels to a great forest
flora remains untouched
development yet to be developed
timber living and breathing
roots continue to stretch
blossoming signs of enchantment
and peace, tranquillity oozes and dances
through entwined limbs
sharing raindrops.

A tomb the only embellishment
stone from afar dropped
and standing as it fell
screaming for attention
amongst gargantuan oaks
a chiselled message
proof of human trespass.

as life cycles turn
should prophets earn a profit
when trading insults.

looking back on war
leaves all mankind feeling raw
a few footsteps gained.

I fast travel to a mountain top
another stone out of place
dwelling amongst believers
of one almighty faith
it is here I find more confusion
dressed up and produced as normality
unable to speak, to feast
to enjoy, to destroy
banished from communities
living my one life as an oddity
following the bell that tolls.

When finally I have an audience
I ask aloud and with conviction

whilst humanity has opposites
whilst God has his Demon
whilst good shows us bad
whilst life ends with death
the din shatters silence
dreams distort reality
man has woman
boy has girl
darkness shares its time with light,

What is the opposite of earth?
Is there another earth where only the thirty six dwell
removed from this place
to ensure our souls can wander?

I awaken next to you
knee deep in seawater
face filling with this angry current
I drown for seeing too much.

My overall impression of this poem was that it was a jack of all trades, master of none. What I mean is that it touches on many themes: oppression, power, creation/religion, environmentalism, truth, etc. And while poems can have more than one theme, I think this poem was a little long and perhaps tried to take on too much at once, and might be better being broken into 3-4 shorter poems to focus on each specific thought.

Overall I think I missed some of the symbolism in the poem, although it does draw you in and make you think about it. Some wording and punctuation was tinkered with. Some aspects that I particularly liked was how the tone/themes reflected the dream-like state of the speaker: I almost imagined him floating (like the snowman from walking in the air fame) above the world, recording his wandering thoughts and observations. I also like how there are 2 haikus within the poem, and the poet actually invites us to look at them, that there may be a message hidden within poetry. The poem is almost investigative, a search for answers. I also liked the symbolism of the stone on the mountain, I saw it possibly as a metahpor for the 10 commandments which would tie into other aspects of the poem (e.g. should a prophet profit).

My wild guess: Version I is the edited version.

I'm not sure who wrote the mini-epic poem. I'm afraid to take a wild guess. The poem like Colm Mentions covers a lot of themes. It's hard to digest the content. However, it's food for the thought.

Though I wonder, why just 36 man? or what exactly does that mean?

This is a great idea for an activity Colm.

Version one is your edit. I think the poem flows well. Perhaps it seems to cover much, but I see the thread:

A vast diversity of men intertwine in such opposition as to cause more harm than good such that the 36 righteous men of myth are all that hold civilization together.

He loses vitality getting lost in wonderment through sterile contemplation; evil continues unabated regardless of his good intentions. Admitting he is helpless in the face of such endless malevolence he prostrates himself to a higher power. The Rock of Ages seems to give direction, but no abatement of the torment. The complexity of harmful interaction itself defies a final solution.

He reflects on the belief that Goodness of Life streams from the primeval forest. Yet, the gates of Eden are a blockade keeping man from regaining innocence; the expulsion from the garden is irreversible.

Likewise, false prophets who propose endless promises of salvation while living in luxury prove humankind unworthy, while the history of constant mortal conflict leaves us forever grubbing.

The Tower of Babble, man's audacity, is broken, so that men are cast further into confusion by not Hearing each other. Yet established religions take this Deafness to Reason as normal and exclude he who seeks sanity.

Finally, he comes to understand his inner Truth and decries the inescapable dichotomy of existence. He questions whether even the worthy 36 can abide with such madness, but must live apart. In the end he is reduced to profound tears of despair, for you cannot unknow the Truth. He is left with nihilism.

Thanks for those that read this, especially Colm for taking the time to offer advice and edit. It is a ramble which seems to be my style, my life is a bit of a ramble so it is in-keeping.

I think this is a great exercise and I hope Colm does it again for somebody, (maybe a smaller piece)

thanks again all.