Selfish Vs. Self-centered

Hi, everyone! So a few days ago, I met a counselor named Dwight who has been visiting hospitals and talking with people about their root problems for the past 17 years. A lot of the time it's directed at those struggling with mental illness or addiction. Those seeking recovery. He's an amazing, blunt, direct, will have you crying, kind of guy because he gets real with you. And straight to the issue. No bypassing. He brought up a very thought-provoking question. There was a group of us and he went around to each person and asked us if we were selfish. Then he went around and asked, what about self-centered? He then asked if one or the other is wrong, both, or neither?

At this point, we were all a bit confused at the definition of both, thinking they are the same. We responded by saying we are taught never to be selfish, to share, to be selfless, etc.

His response?

"Being selfish will save you. Being self-centered will kill you."

To try to sum it up: We are taught to think a certain way, but why does being selfish ALWAYS have to be seen as a vice, or something to avoid? Can't selfish mean taking care of ourselves first so we can then take care of others? Or making sure we stand up for our choices first and direct our actions so others don't do the same for us? I think a line can be drawn at how selfish is being too selfish. It's said selfish people receive more than they give. But what if you give give give for so long you have no one to fill you up? So instead you take take take from others because you don't know how to give. He also said self-centered is wanting center stage, so you constantly are in this never-ending cycle of being ignorant of others' feelings. But in being selfish, you choose between your priorities or another's.

I'm thinking now I should have brought my composition book because he explained it in a much more eye-opening way.

Here's two quotes to leave you with:

When we enter recovery, we learn to be selfish. Doing what is best for us from the choices we have or are given. We have to do what is in our best interest and do what will protect us the best."

"Some people think that being self-centered and being selfish are the same but they are not. I feel that there is a fine line of difference in them. If I am self-centered then I only care about what I am doing and have no concern for others. Being selfish, I want to do what is best for me but it is a conscious decision."
(from http://www.janielifetoday.com/2012/07/self-centered-vs-selfishness.html)

What are your thoughts on this? Would love to hear!

I have always thought of myself as selfish. In my point of view, there's no such a thing as being selfless. Or rather there's no such a thing as a selfless act. Not even when a mother is saving her own son from danger while exposing herself to death, I don't consider that to be selfless. It's within her interest that her son be safe. Not even a man who plants a seed that he'll never see become a tree nor even enjoy of its shade, is selfless. Even though it may seem that it is. He has an interest. So I think that so long as one has an interest, There'll be some selfishness within us.

However, I don't consider being selfish to be hmm for lack a better word... Bad.

Being selfish is part of our nature. For instance, I cannot be happy when others are not happy. Thus as a result, I try to make others happy so I can be happy. That's selfish because I'm thinking about my own happiness. But in this case, the end result is that everyone or the majority would be happy. Not so bad.

On the other hand, I say that I cannot be happy when others are happy... Thus I try my best to make everyone miserable, im obviously being selfish. In this case, I'm also concern about my own happiness. Though the end result here is not good. The majority would feel bad except one.

What I feel is that makes the difference in both cases is the intention. In the first one, my intention is for everyone to be happy so I can be happy. In the second one, my intention is for everyone to be miserable, so I can be happy.

In other words, being selfish accompanied by our intentions is what I think could define whether our end results turn out to be good or bad. Thus I don't see, being selfish to be wrong.
Though I think there are others factors involved that would define how the end results turn out to be, not just our intentions.

Now, my point of view on being self-centered...

It works in the same way as being selfish.

I need to understand myself first, if I want to understand others. So I need to focus on myself, on my own affairs, on getting to know me... So I can help others. I need to be self-centered in that aspect.

So I feel is all about our intentions whether makes being selfish or self centered good or bad.

Wise counselor to pose that question. I agree with Luce in that ultimately every act is self-serving. However, to make a difference I think we need to deal in less universal principles.

For me the issue is enlightened sel-interest. Almost everyone gets beyond greedy pleasure fulfillment and learns that delaying gratification gains more in the long run.
Past that stage many people learn that in improving the conditions of others his/her own situation may be improved. For example, team players win when the team wins.
Even further, some realize that improving larger social conditions improves the future chances for his/her progeny to benefit. This can be both tangible (teaching a kid to fish) and abstract (open trade without tariffs improves flow of goods). Obviously there will be differences of opinion as to what are the right actions to take, but the more people act in enlightened self-interest the better society becomes.

Https://youtu.be/PECmjB9df0w

I had a dream the other night that I suddenly became a big fish in a big pond (something I am not). I really believed at one time it was my dimensions that were holding me back . Whether positive or negative we are what we consume . I had a rude awakening that I had no control over who I fall in love with and many times I love what could have been . I am one of the most self centered people I know who struggles with individuality . I recall losing much of what buried who I wanted to be when my aunt asked the profound question who do you want to be , my answer then was anyone but me.

You all need to watch this video by Gabor Mate. It is speaking about exactly about this subject and his breadth of knowledge is amazing.

I've been a care worker for over 10 years and in every job and with all staff I've ever worked with there has been, at some point a conversation about the line we face in caring for others against how we care for ourselves. You CANNOT care for someone else unless you first take serious care of yourself. Of course you can push yourself if you are in dire need, but you will get ill.

Thanks for all the replies, guys! Kevin- will have to check that out sometime.

Kevin, if this is the video you referred to I find it impressive & and rewarding:

Caring For Others While Caring For Yourself
- Gabor Mate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6IL8WVyMMs

Hey MaryAnne,

Wanted to reply to this, but forgot!

Good subject, I am surprised so few responded. Might be the shame attached to it, as in a lot of cultures being 'selfish' is deemed a very unattractive an unwanted quality.

I read about the difference between the two and I know of at least one person who is self-centred. It is said that self-centred people do not 'see' themselves as they assume they are the centre of the universe. This is contrary to selfish people, who are very aware of themselves and look out for their own best interest.

Selfish behaviour is healthy in my humble opinion, because sometimes, there is only you to do what is necessary to keep you in balance. Other people do not see the complete picture as you do, of how you feel emotionally and physically, so cannot judge as you do about what is feasible for you. No one benefits when you are selfless to such a degree that you become mentally or physically ill from exhaustion, not you, not those who love you or depend on you for whatever reason. So yes, being selfish is healthy. When you flourish, you are a better person to be around and more capable of being there for both yourself and those around you.

To be self-centred is a very different matter and needs professional help to overcome. We are all equally important, so the idea of being the centre of all things is unhealthy and will eventually lead that person to a lonely place as no one really wants to be around them. You can easily identify them, because they relate all matters back onto themselves and take everything, however far-fetched, very personal.

I really wonder how society ended up changing this thought process. I so often here we are told to look out for ourselves and be selfish, because no one else will do it. We work hard for what we get and we don't have to give that away to others who don't work as hard, or can't, or are lazy etc. It's no wonder people are so unhappy. Selfish is used incorrectly.

I am VERY selfish with my time. I will always make my church and my husband a priority over all other things. I also make alone time for myself a priority, because I NEED this to recharge my batteries to keep going. Spiritually speaking, Jesus calls us to rest. So I do, and it helps me carry on.

So my days are filled with ministry and my husband, family and friends. I am busy collecting moments and being selective about my time, what I do, and who I spend it with. I say NO a lot so I can say YES to important things. A lot of people get easily frustrated with me, and I understand their thought process, but God has laid specific things on my heart for this season of my life, and giving back to others and building a strong marriage and foundation in my family is the two most important things right now.

Self centered makes me think more so of an attitude, not behavior. If that makes sense? Self-centered as in the world revolves around you, and you're an emotionally delicate creature that if everything doesn't go your way, you will wither in a storm. Everyone caters to you or you melt down. Diva status. ;) I believe it also comes with a lot of deep seated issues that as stated above needs professional help. Another heart issue. Sigh.

I think there is more of the spirit of individualism in American personalities than in much of the rest of the world. We grow up learning of our forebears carving out a civilization from the wilderness and that they wiped out whole tribes in doing so. Selfish expansion was at the heart of the pioneer spirit; manifest destiny was the policy of the whole nation.

Contrast that to the inter-dependence that a mature society fosters. I still believe that enlightened self -interest must be the most mature and morally correct practice.

By the way, please note that on aircraft safety speeches they always tell you to put on your own mask first and then help others. If you try to help others first, you may pass out before helping them & you both suffer.