Weekly Contest Results 4-4-16

I'm going to be very busy tomorrow and don't want to forget to post up, so without further ado... Congratulations to Mr Darcy and Darren, and to the three tie-breakers (sadly only one of you will make it to the front page, and who knows how the site decides!)

Best,
Jane

WINNERS:

Every breath you take. . .
by Mr Darcy
10 + 4 + 4 = 18 points

Locked in.
by Darren
10 + 7 = 17 points

Three tie break poems -

Thunder from a Poet's Eyes
by Maple Tree
10 points

When The Candle's Flame Retreats
by Ben Pickard
10 points

A Night With A Hopeless Man
by Moe
10 points

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COMMENTS FOR WINNERS:
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Every breath you take. . .
by Mr. Darcy

"This is one of those little poems that stops you in your tracks.
A Senryu of perfection. There is a turn in line three, it is a turn in tense and a line that gives hope. 'Have' was used instead of 'Had'. This person is still fighting and if this is based on real experience then good luck to them. Syllables correct." (10)

-

"This actually brought tears to my eyes this morning. When I awoke I had a message that a good friend of mine lost his battle early in the am, and a few months ago another dear woman I knew suffered the same fate. Both were described wonderfully in this short but very powerful write, it's not how many words you use, it's how powerful the message is. Thank you...." (4)

-

"This short and powerful Senryu needed to be highlighted. In three short sentences I was in tears. Very powerful and the message says it all... very touching piece by Mr. Darcy!" (4)

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Locked in.
by Darren

"I truly admire Darren's creativity and intensity within this piece.
It's written with great elegance, and with such depth...
The metaphoric tones within each stanza has me captivated from start to finish!! Just wonderful!" (10)

-

"sitting by a shimmering lake
an image reflected half my age
children laughing over yonder
years of ideas strolling by
peace handing me a menu
choices dancing before my eyes

^how many of us sat by the calming waters looking for answers, solutions to troubling time, you captured it perfectly here, the ending stanza stopped me from giving this a ten, I felt it could have been worded a lot better , (the previous myself) awesome write though." (7)

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Thunder from a Poet's Eyes
by Maple Tree

"I'm gushing over this. The beginning half of this poem gives a strong, telling introductory and sets a very vivid image of what is happening. I love the details and adjectives used throughout. The second half is very powerful; it moves into a whirlwind of concepts and then the ending statement is what really ties it together. Beautifully penned, Maple Tree." (10)

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When The Candle's Flame Retreats
by Ben Pickard

"This poem, despite being a nature poem, does so much more than paint a pretty scenery. To me it gives a sense of hope, making sure the reader is never alone, as this spirit (of nature?) is everywhere. I am usually not much a fan of nature poems because they often seem superficial, but I loved how Ben added philosophical depth to it an with such a melodic flair. The rhyme does not feel forced at all and the flow is soothing. The images might not be the most spectacular ones, as they touch on things that are not new in nature poetry (clouds, rain, snowflakes...), but paired with the emotions it was just enough to make an impact nevertheless." (10)

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A Night With A Hopeless Man
by Moe

"A very real problem that few care about or depict as well as this write did, we see it daily, but have become oblivious to it, without understanding that all of us could eventually end up there, I wonder, will we care then, or just wait for the sun to shine.......beautifully written, enjoyed." (10)

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COMMENTS FOR HONORABLE MENTIONS:
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Eriee Lighthouse
by Michael D Nalley

"Michael's message and elegant patterns within this piece brought me to tears... this piece took a different format than I am used to reading by Michael and I have to say I truly enjoyed this poem!" (7)

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A Loving thirst
by Ben Pickard

"For once I have bumped Ben's poem up. This was my 4. Now it is a 7.
(read three times also)
It seems that every week 1 of Ben's poems makes it into my top three. Do I belong to his club? Who knows?
His volume of work helps.
I picked this in my top three because I love the story and the conclusion, it is an important message about being a decent parent.
Why only a four and now a seven but not a ten?
Because in all honesty it is good, but not that different to most of his writes.
I would love to see a bit of free verse from Ben, from the pieces I have read of his he always restricts himself with a form or syllable count and/or rhyme.
(syllables correct BTW)
Also after three reads I spotted the offending 'redundant' words scattered here and there to help the syllable count." (7)

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Mother Nature
by Milly Hayward

"This was a 7 for me, great imagery and flow. Very upbeat and descriptive throughout until the climax, describing man as a virus is probably true. We have spread like germs and are destroying the planet. Everything you see about you (even this screen and keyboard) was dug up or extracted from something/somewhere.
Now why a 4?
A couple of minor points. I have picked my top three and read them three times each. After the second read of this I spotted that manmade had lost its hyphen. Now I know the poem points at man destroying everything but I thought hyphens would be one of the last things to go.
On read three I felt some of the rhyming was a little forced. The syllable count is spot on, 8 per line.
I also felt that there could have been an extra stanza before the final one going into more detail about man's destruction of earth." (4)

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"A beautifully penned nature poem. I like the different elements that you've incorporated regarding the concept of Mother Nature and what the earth has become.

Just a small typo in the last stanza: the word cant, needs an apostrophe." (4)

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Ye Old Poeme of Deceit
by Milly Hayward

"It's not often that I see a poem in Old English on this site, let alone one that fits its contents. I truly loved the opening line, a subtle jab at "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day". It immediately set the right tone and does the old English usage justice. It would've been perfect if it followed a particular meter like in the original poem, as I did feel like the flow was a bit off every now and then. However, the humour in this poem quickly makes me forgive the little stumbles here and there. I would have never expected this to be about an Easter egg in the end, you built up the story nicely." (7)

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Jesus
by Sir Kris Aumann

"The starting line is a bit staggering, and I'm not sure if I mean this as a good thing or a bad thing, as full caps often give the impression of shouting. I'm not sure what the purpose of this line is, but moving on, I was pleased with what I read. The language is simple but the structure effectively builds up the right tension. I was attracted by phrases such as "the fog sets the silence in my hands" or "the time has melted away like water in the sea" (even though I think evaporate would make more sense than melting). All the imagery is tied well with elements of nature, of the sky, and I love how in the end this was concluded with the sun. Loved the ending usage of "zenith", it adds the last necessary bang without trying to be over-sophisticated. The balance of diction is nicely done in this poem." (4)

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5:45AM / 8:15PM
by Mnemosyne

"This poem is filled with such sorrow, bitterness, and complexity. The way the poet has laid out the stanzas and tells a story leads to a wonderful real." (7)

Congratulations to Michael (a wonderful senryu) and Darren and whoever else comes out on top! Great week.
Note to judge: I actually write a fair bit of free verse (I think I got a HM for one last week) but usually, no one nominates it as it tends not to be great lol. Thanks for the in depth comment and to the judge who decided to give me their 10!

All the very best,
Ben

Congratulations gentleman! Congratulations Ben and Moe as well!

Beautiful HMS also!

You know,

When a woman is in a bucket full of men, she's gotta jump out and save herself....giggles!

These site ties are a bit awkward....

Not good enough, Andrea......damn you and this site!!!!

Just kidding. Who am i to moan when Larry seems to be on such a hiding to nothing with this tie thing? Lol great poem from you as ever and a worthy winner.

The mustache won with 28 points....lmao

great job everyone.......

Congrats everyone! Thanks Jane for posting and judges as always :)

I'm in shock as this poem was just a quick, 'let's write how I feel ' moment.
I am struggling to feel happy as this topic is still raw. Anyway, thank you to the judges; they really are top notch with their comments.

Congratulations to Darren and Andrea both excellent poems, and bad luck to the poems that tied for 3rd. Difficult choice for sure. Also, excellent HM's.

Congrats, men (and Andrea). About time the guys start racking them up.
Thanks judges for your work and to Jane for posting.

^^"The mustache won with 28 points....lmao"
??????

Look at janes pic

Congrats to all!

Re: mustache
I had to refresh. LOL

Thanks judges and everyone

chuffed to win.

congrats other winners and HM's