"An Open Letter to the Guy at Work"

Just going to leave this here. A friend shared it tonight on Facebook and I think it's very powerful.

An Open Letter to the Guy at Work
(you know who you are)

Liz Ruddy
June 7th
---

It's a Monday morning and we're making small-talk,
like,
"How was your weekend?"
"You see that fire out in Calabasas?"
"It's been so cloudy lately."
"So how about that rape letter?"

Yeah, you saw I'd posted about it "like seven times."
Yeah, I tell you it makes me angry.
Angrier than usual.
(You know, because this is usual.)

"Listen," you say, and you pause,
like, "I'm trying to figure out how to phrase this."
That's when I pull out the thick skin,
the kind women always keep tied around their waists
like an extra flannel shirt,
ready to throw on before meetings or rape trials,
or walking down the street,
or making small-talk at the office,
like,
I'll try my best not to get offended by what you say,
because I know how offensive it is
to have my own opinion.

"People are saying that it's 100% his fault and 0% her fault..."
You say, hesitantly,
the way women are taught to speak,
afraid of their own mouths.
"And I agree...
BUT--
DON'T YOU ALSO AGREE
THAT THIS WHOLE THING
COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED
IF SHE HAD JUST BEEN
MORE
RESPONSIBLE."

I stare at you in disbelief for a moment,
sick to my stomach,
like, stranger groping my ass in a crowded train
kind of sick to my stomach,
just as unable to respond,
to discern bile from protest
bubbling in my throat,
wanting to explain,
like, hey,
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
you don't need to play devil's advocate--
he's already got one,
and he's good enough to get him off
with only six months.

But I knew that any response of mine
would be sharp
like, car keys between knuckles sharp,
and so instead
I did the only
responsible
thing I could do in that situation.

I walked away.
But I should've remembered
that my retreating back
is a fucking invitation,
because as I did so,
you felt the need to add insult to injury,
like, turning away wasn't enough of an indication
that this subject was too painful
for me to deal with right now,
like, I wasn't allowed to walk away
without your permission.
So you got in one last word, like,
"Seriously! Just think about it!"

Think about it.

Like I don't.

Like I have the fucking privilege
of not thinking about it.

Like I don't think about it
when I go for a run after work
and instead of using a timer,
my personal best is just
running faster than anyone who's following me.

Like I don't think about it
when I leave the headphones at home
on my way to pick up milk,
because I need to hear if anyone's coming up behind me
and it's already hard to make it out
over the soundtrack of my someday interrogation
like,
Don't you know you live in K-town?
Why would you walk alone after dark?
What did you think was going to happen?

Like I don't think about it
when I pick an outfit from my closet
and look at it like a piece of evidence,
like,
if I get raped when I'm wearing this tonight,
how guilty would it make me?
Like maybe they should mark it on the tag,
60% cotton, 40% her fault.

Like I don't think about it
when strangers offer to buy me a beer.
Like this is fucking Wonderland
and that bottle says
"drink me"
and my miniskirt says
"rape me,"
like we're all just making bad choices,
and the fact that I'm shrinking
into nothing
is just a nasty side-effect
of this toxic culture
to which we both fell victim.

Like I don't fucking think about it
when my little sister sends me photos
that she wants to put on Facebook,
for my APPROVAL.
To make sure they're appropriate.
To make sure they're safe.
To imagine them under a headline
about how she got raped behind a dumpster,
like, does this profile picture test well
with the jury of Buzzfeed commenters?
I wonder if they'll use his mug shot or his yearbook photo.
I wonder what his swimming times are.

"Just think about it," you tell me.
Just think about it?

Like I don't think about it when boys like you
say shit like,
"But don't you also agree
that this whole thing
could have been avoided
if she had just been more
responsible."

Like I don't constantly think about
how I live in a world
where women are held responsible for the actions of men.
Like I didn't learn that in middle school
when girls were sent home
for wearing tank tops with straps
thinner than two fingers.
Like it wasn't made clear
every time they called us
"daughters, sisters, mothers"
that we only exist in relation to men,
that we are merely extensions of them,
so of course,
naturally,
we should be more responsible,
so as not to let them rape us
and ruin their own life
with the same two fingers
they once used to measure our straps.

Like I don't think about it.
Like I can choose not to think about it.
Like I wasn't up all fucking night thinking about it.

But it's almost 5am,
and I need to sleep before tomorrow,
so I have the energy to smile at the men on the street,
so they don't have to ask me to.
But first, I need to make sure
that I'm being perfectly clear--
like, "no means no" clear,
like, "an intoxicated person cannot consent" clear,
like, "an unconscious person cannot consent" clear,
like, "sex without consent is not sex, it's rape" clear,
like, "guilty on three counts of sexual assault" clear.

(I'm sorry, am I not being clear?)

Here, let me keep it simple.

NO.

I do NOT fucking agree.

Seriously.

Think about it.

No means no, simple as that.

If a woman or man cannot say no due to intoxication or drugs then it is still no.

(They can't say yes)

Times have moved on, men need to learn to think from the brain not the nether regions. Drink isn't an excuse.

There is this whole debate on what woman should or shouldn't wear as this can be provocative.

That is no excuse

Woman should be allowed to wear whatever makes them feel good.

(My tune might change once my daughters are a bit older with regards to that statement....)

I am just glad my daughters wrestle, my 9 year old girl can take down a 13 year old boy and make him submit.....

Thinking about it, when she is 18 she will probably be taking me down and making me tap out when I try to stop her going out half naked.....

I am going round in circles now.

No is no whether it is said or not.

I'm so fortunate to not have anyone in my life that has openly said anything like this because I. Would. Freak. Out.

If I were her, I'd smash his face and tell him to be more responsible in the future.

Omg I am in tears here. As a person who has suffered from domestic violence thus being raped because "I was his" this beings a lot home to me.
I am a strong believer that no means no whether with that person and that if a person is intoxicated it should be an instant no because they aren't truly responsible for their actions.

Yes, women can be seen as "wanting it" by men because of the clothes they wear but it's does not mean they do. The society we live in is atrocious as men and women alike are not safe. Men get raped too (as you probably know) like they get abused but so not often come forward, unfortunately.