Have you?

lol, nice self promotion.

tee hee

Very

Here goes, deep breath:

General observation of your writing: From your profile, I know that you're into rap, but it's important to be able to write a poem in a way that is separate from rapping, unless it is a rap. I listen to rap as well (all kinds of music, actually), but my poems do not reflect that, because poetry is a whole separate art when it is not intended to BE a rap, which I don’t assume either of your poems are. It would greatly benefit you to explore using different kinds of words and scenarios in your writing, versus just sticking to the traditional topics of the hood, drugs, etc. (which many of your poems are about). I am not trying to put out your style, that is what makes you unique, but if you want to REALLY develop and evolve as a poet you must be able to convey what you are trying to say in a different way. If you are casually just writing for release, etc. then don’t bother exploring different ways and forms, but I think you may enjoy playing around with it.

You have the frames of two great poems here, most of the time you rhyme in the right places and the flow is decent, however a few things need to be tweaked for them to be perfect and well flowing. I recommend that you use a rhyming dictionary, you can find them online, I use www.rhymezone.com but www.rhymer.com works well too. Here are some REALLY important rules of thumb that casual poets tend to break all the time:

1. Don’t force a rhyme that does not fit or "off rhyme" and expect it to sound alright unless it is blatantly intentional. For instance you use (in "Before I met you.")

"all i Had was sunshine and no wickedness
i love you girl, even through all the badness"

Wickedness and badness only KIND OF rhyme. It would be better if you could find a better word, because there are NO perfect rhymes for the word "wickedness," therefore I don’t suggest you use it on the end of a line that must rhyme.

2. The ending should be one of the strongest points in a poem: The same line, that I put above, is the ENDING of your poem, which makes the fact that it is not a perfect rhyme stick out even more. An ending must be very strong and profound, perfect rhymes are stronger than imperfect rhymes, so going with a similar sounding word will only hurt the poem. Work really hard on making an ending stand out, which can be hard, but finding good endings is an art. Many people even confuse the ending line with the title of the poem, because it is so profound. EX: "Alone," by Edgar Allan Poe. Many people think that the title is "Demon in my View," because the ending is so strong, and people will know which poem you are talking about if you ask about it (See the thread in the poetry discussion).

3. Don’t force a word that won’t work: Don’t get hung up on using wickedness because it's the first word that pops into your head or because you are attached to it for some odd reason. You know it won’t work and it will disrupt the flow, so pick a different word. Don’t be afraid to go back and change the word- that is forcing the rhyme.

4. Use "fluff" or descriptive words to aid in the flow: Rhyming at the end of certain lines is not the only thing that makes a poem flow well- you have to make it sound good to the ear. Adding or taking away extra syllables can really affect the flow, as well as punctuation. If something does not sound right, and the endings both rhyme, try and tweak the other words in the sentence and fit them together.

5. Use CAPS and punctuation in places that highlight certain parts of the poem or make it stronger, not just randomly. They should be placed intentionally, for instance (I will use the same line):

"all i Had was sunshine and no wickedness
i love you girl, even through all the badness"

Why is "Had" Cap'd? It doesnt seem important enough to cap... but the fact that the reader is unsure what the purpose of it being capatelized is in the first place is not a good sign, the reader should know exactly what purpose highlighting that word has. It should be a very strong word, and "had" is not necessarily a strong or "stand out" word... so my recommendation? Don't cap it.

Both the poems were decent poems; I would have given them 3.5's if I could (But I never vote on poems that I deem under a 4, it only brings peoples scores down and doesn’t help them grow, comments help you grow). They have the basic construction of a poem, and they rhyme, but there is nothing about them that is extraordinary. I do think that you have talent, but you must focus on perfecting your work and really take the time to do it right, that is, if you want to become a better-evolved poet.

I do like the poems, but they are like every other poem that you could read from any random casual poet in the world.

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I don’t mean to be harsh, but sugar coating won’t make you grow or evolve as a poet. When people ask what I think, I tell them.

I'm glad you took it the right way. Most people wouldnt, that shows a lot about your character.

You have a lot of promise, and rushing poems will not make them better, that's another piece of advice, you have to take your time and focus on the flow and rhyme WHILE you write it, not just re read it when you finish and see how well it came together.

It's an art, it really is. You're great Daniel.