My Diary ---«_ĀÐdï©+ïØñ¯»---

Dear Diary 29th March 2004

I wish that i could ay i'm proud of myself, but im not.. Far from it really. Last night i lost myself completely. I dont know who i am these days, i dont do that shit! i know better, or at least i thought i did. I've become everything i said i wouldn't, and i'm hurting myself so much.
I feel lost, like i dont belong anymore. my whole body, mind and soul are in unknown territory. I'm beomcing somoene so different and i'm frightening. I can't help but let myself be carried away, becasue anywhere is better than here.
I can't open my eyes, i know he's there... Just watching me. He's in my dreams, and now he's turning them to nightmares.

Dear Diary March 30th 2004

Tim. I can't get him out of my head. I hardly know him but its hard to shake these thoughts. It's so stupid.
I've never lost myself as far as i did with Tim, and it hurts because i dont know him, and he means nothing. I wish it hadnt happened the way it did, because im going to look back and regret the stupid things i've been doing lately.
I dont want to hurt myself anymore.

Dear Diary 31st March 2004

I'm over the whole 'Tim' thing now, i mean, how could it have ever been a thing? it was nothing, he is nothing and as far as im concerned, what happened was nothing. It's alright, and im okay... I'm well and truly over it.

Dear Diary 1st April 2004

I got Tim's number this morning, and he rang him this arvo. He said he might come to the party after he finishes work. I dont know why this is meaning so much to me right now. Maybe it's because its more than just a one night thing. Even if theres no feelings between us, it doesnt hurt when i know that we're still talking... Unlike some one i know...i.e Derryn. Meh, he means nothing to me now..

Dear Diary April 3rd 2004

Tim came and saw me last night. I feel bad about the circumstances though. He is really nice and i made a complete ass of myself.

Dear Diary April 4th 2004

It's Saturday night almost 12 o'clock, and i just got home. I've spent the last 2 nights with Tim and i thought everything was fine, you know? Last night was heaps cool, because i realised that if he didn't care about me, he would'nt have come looking for me. I know Alan only wanted to see Tat tonight, but i thought i could at least talk to Tim. But then he completely ignores me! Alan told me that he was pissed off because i didn't want to talk to him on the phone, but i doubt it. I dont know, but Tim is really nice and stuff. I guess tonight was weird because i hadn't been drinking, and i wasn't trying to get with him.
I'm just so lost for words at the moment. Tim is a really good thing in my life right now, but like always i can feel him disappearing. Its always the same, but i want so badly, for it to be different this time. I know for sure he's a person i need to hold onto.

Dear Diary April 5th 2004

Another entry. I'm so weirded out. I like Tim sooo much and from he's been doing and and saying, i've been told from people that he likes me. I rang him to ask himif he was pissed off at me from Saturday night, and it was like he could'nt get off the phone fast enough! Maybe im just jumping to conclusions, or maybe not. Theres just so many bad vibes around, i feel like i should just forget him... Like i said before, he means nothing to me... BUT HE DOES!! He means alot to me, and i just wish he felt the same.

Dear Diary 7th April

I'm over Tim.

Dear Diary 10th April 2004

I really regret ever meeting up with Tim, evergetting with him, and ever making contact with him. I like him, and thats whats really obvious. But twhats hurts the most is that two out of three nights we were together, something happened, and he never stopped it. He let me like him! I wish i had've got with Alan instead of Tim. Alans so nice, and he's such a better person.
15 minutes for gods sake! i'm so pathetic.

Dear Diary 3rd May 2004

I stayed at Tim's last night... It was so perfect, so... i dont know... It was great. I like Tim. I can't explain it, or stop it. He's so perfect. I take back everything bad i've ever said about him, because hes so gorgeous and he's genuine. i can feel that he's not lying about what he says. i like everything about him, hes nice, mature, and hot! Plus he's a hell good kisser *wink* he's everything and im in awe. the way i feel right now is indesribable, unexplainable... i can't wait to see him again... he's so perfect.

Dear Diary 4th May 2004

All i can think of is Tim. Hes the only person on my mind, and the only person i want there. I dont know why i like him so much.. He's just perfect, and i've fallen for him again..

Dear Diary 13th May 2004

I'm pissed at Tim for being pissed at me for no reason at all! I'm so... obsessed with him... All i wanna do is get to know him better... i wish it was different you know...

Dear Diary 15th May 2004

I spoke to Tim last night, and he's not pissed off at me. He's so cute. I was just mucking around with him, and asking him if he ws cheating on meand he said he would never do that to me. hes so sweet. i wanna see him again, because i miss him! but im gunna hafta wait forever to see him again, because im not allowed out tonight, next weekend, or the weekend after that. i wanna see tim!! *cries*

Dear Diary 16th May 2004

Tat is going out with Owden, and i'm really happy for her, except now she has no reason to see Alan again... Which sorta means i dont get to see Tim again. all i wanna do is cry! i like tim so so so so so much, and he's the one i wanted to lose my virginity to.except now i feel alone... No Tat, no Tim... i know i'll see him again, or at least i hope i do... i wish i meant more to him, then all this wouldnt hurt so much. if i turn my back hes not going to come after me. it hurts. its hurts much more than anything right now because hes on my mind all the time, and theres so many things i want to say to him but i'll never get the chance, he'se verything i've dreamt about, and everything i need... why cant i mean the same to him?

Dear Diary 17th May 2004

Another entry about Tim, but things are changing. He rang me this arvo, but my phone was on silent, so i didnt even realise. Buit he left a msg, hes so cute. I rang him when i got home andmade up some stupid excuse to call, just to hear his voice. i wish i could see him this weekend.

Dear Diary 24th May 2004

I'm still thinking about Tim. Although i want to forget about him i cant. I want to erase every memory of him from thought and move on. I havent seen him for almost a month and its killing me. i've gotten with 3 guys since tim, but i keep getting drawn back to him. i like him, but i shouldnt.

Dear Diary 28th May 2004

I've been wanting to see Tim for ages, it sucks because no matter what im always thinking of him... i hate him though, because i only exist when theres no one else.

Dear Diary 29th May

Just got home from a party in Cooee Bay... Tim was there, but he was being an ignorant prick. I'm so over it.

Dear Diary 2nd June 2004

I'm seeing Tim and Alan on Friday night.

Dear Diary 8th June 2004

I got with Tim again, although i had sex with Alan too... i only did it to get back at him. For getting with someone at the Cooee Bay party, because he saw me with Kevin.

Dear Diary 8th August 2004

All this shit started with Tim and Alan. Tim was my first real fling, and i lost my virginity to Alan. And now they're both gone and i wish i had never met them!

Dear Diary 23rd August 2004

I remember waking up in Tims bed, his arms wrapped around me, so warm, so comforting. I remember looking into his eyes thta morning and smiling as he pressed his lips to my forehead. i remember being so happy, so in love. Pure ecstacy. I cant forget him, i cant let go. he made me so happy, but so miserable at the same time. 2nd of May was the best night of my life, because i was with someone i loved, and it was like a fairytale... almost perfect... Tim, why cant i forget you?

Dear Diary 26th Sept 2004

Tim and I are cool now... We spoke, we sorted, and then we hugged.

Dear Diary 19th January 2005

It's not only Owden i'm still thinkin of, Tim still pops into my heads fairly often. I dont know why he means anyhting to me anymore... i dont even speak to him anymore, but i still have the memories. Him and Alan will always have a place in my heart... Tim, because i love him and regret not going further with him. and Alan because i hate him, and regret doing anything with him.... Im so stupid.

Dear Diary 31st March

Where do i start? 7 days until i'm 16, but it doesnt seem like such a big deal anymore. i was reading all my entries from around this time last year and its all about tim... i knew back then i'd screw it up somehow, and i did. i always do. I havent felt the way i do for Tim since Will, and i got a second chance with Will.. Maybe four years from now i'll get another chance with Tim too...

Yes, i do.. and not very often...

You need to shorten that, it's way too long!

i must admit... i came into this forum only because of the fancy writing in the title, but i read your diary entries, and hun, it's completely normal!! i know exactly how you feel. you're not sure where this is going, and you're just hanging on for the ride. but dont worry, it will all work itself out. good luck with Tim!

vedali

Thanx Vedali for the advice... I hope it works out too... I love him so much.