Someone please stop me...

hmmmm...well. I dunno. life seems quite fucked up for me right now. I just found out my mom might have cancer. I'm not one who usually pours her heart out on these sites but, i guess its better to write it down first and get reactions from people I'll never meet than to break down in front of my freinds. I've been clean of cutting and overdosing for a few weeks. I'm really proud of myself, but the depression is all coming back. I don't want it to, I really don't. I've worked way too hard getting away from the old, selfish, harmful person I used to be. I've been thinking for the last day about taking the pills again, but i keep fighting it. I want to be able to overcome this, but it just keeps sucking me in...its like my only release. It comforted me so much when I was depressed. even though it fucked up my social life, turned people against me, turned me into a liar and a stealer, and gave people a reason to dislike me. not to mention I almost completely dropped out of school. I know I need help, but I just cant bring myself to tell my parents all this. I'm just not ready for a change, yet at the same time I need it. please stop me from hurting myself and hurting the people who care for me, cuz I kno there are some out there. I hate the fact that when I'm alone I can't stop myself from doing these things.
well, thanks for reading my bullshit and if you have any advice or wisdom please share.

Think of it this way: If you start cutting again or if you take pills, you'll make others worry about you. If your mother has cancer, I'm sure she already has enough to worry about.

Don't let the old selfish you get you again. Fight it.

Also, you need to talk to someone who actually knows you and your personal problems. A friend maybe? Or your parents. It's good if your parents know how you feel and they will be able to help you.

Ya kno...I really wish I could tell my parents everything, but a lot of my everything has to do with me being bisexual. I'm pretty sure my mom would be ashamed of me if she finds out and my dad would just avoid me. My mom doesnt kno about my taking pills so I guess she wouldnt worry but I would worry my friends, i kno. It's so hard fighting this but im trying and i don't wanna give up. especially for my mom. I really hope it isnt wat we think it is. She can't leave me alone with my brother and my dad. I wouldn't live.

Thank you so much for your insight, it really means a lot. Maybe I can try to tell my best friend wat im goin through but the thing is, I don't wanna burden her, especially since she's trying to graduate and she might have to retake her senior year.

It seems like you have a lot on your mind at the moment, the only thing you have to decide is how YOU want to deal with it all.

You said that your Mother may have cancer, this can be a strain on the whole family. I should know both my Mother and Grandmother have suffered from Breast Cancer. I myself was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in May this year (aged 18). The word may is important here, try talking to your Mother about her diagnosis, do a bit if Internet research on her type of cancer. I know that when my Mother was diagnosed it helped to find as much information as possible on the subject.

As for not wanting to burden your best friend with what you are going through, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. If someone is your best friend they will most likely be so willing to listen and help as best they can. Try turning the situation around, if your best friend was this upset, would you want them to hide things from you? or would you want them to feel like they could tell you anything?

Personally I feel that talking to someone about problems is the best option. It doesn't have to be a friend or family, you could try youth workers or counsellors. Hope this helps.

Nici

Hurting yourself at this point of your life is actually gonna make things wurst for ya. You don't wanna lose your mother, so if it turns out that she does have cancer, you are gonna have to be srong for her. She can't be sick, having to worry about herself so much, and also having to worry allot because she doesn't know what is happening to her daughter. It would be a good idea for youto talk to your mom. You don't have to tell her every single thing that is going on, but just talk the things that bother you the most. This way, you might get some advise and help from her, she won't have to worry herself too much about you, and you can bether support her through this difficult time.
I hope this has been of any use.
good luck, and all the best for your mom.
Tim