My life, My feelings, My story

I wake up every day and step into my life; I put on my mask of smiles and pretend that everything’s ok. Inside though, im screaming out for the pain to go, to leave me because I cant take it anymore.
Im 18 yrs old, and for as long as I can remember iv always known im adopted, I have lived my whole life wondering where I came from. The only information I had to hold onto was that I had two sisters and my mum was re-marrying. My dad I was told was a threat to me and I should never try to trace him.
Everyday I would wake up and say a prayer for my mum, to keep her safe.
All iv ever wanted is just to feel loved, to feel wanted and to feel special to someone. Right from birth iv had to fight to be wanted. Rejection is what I fear most. I am so scared of letting someone get close to me and then leaving me.
When I was 14 a met a guy, he became my solid ground, he was a rock for me to lean on in troubled times and he carried me when I could walk no further. Over the few years I knew him he remained my stability, he held me close to him when I needed to feel loved and he made me feel special when I felt worthless. He said he loved me but I didn’t believe him. How could anyone love me? I was a reject; I had nothing going for me. I just couldn’t understand why he loved me and why he stood by me even though I treated him so badly. I tested the way he felt for me cuz I just couldn’t accept the fact that someone said they cared.
I was so scared of loving him in return to. I was scared that if I made myself vulnerable he would hurt me. I loved him in my own way but a way that was a danger to the relationship we had developed, I pushed him away, in the end I pushed him so far away he couldn’t get back. He asked me to be there for him once and I said no.
He cut contact with me, I cried and I cried.
I had lost the person I lived for, I had lost the person who loved me and I had lost my best friend. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor with a picture of him in my hand and a pot of pills in the other. I wanted to die; I thought that if I couldn’t be with him then I couldn’t be with anyone. I just desperately wanted to feel loved again. He had rejected me and I felt so hurt.
I didn’t take the pills, but I wanted to, I wanted to so badly but I couldn’t.
Looking back I can see that it was because of the way I treated him that he left, its understandable. I was always being told 'if u don’t treat him better he will leave' thing is I wouldn’t believe it. I kept saying if he loves me like he says he does he will never leave. Thing is I learnt the hard way that love is a two-way thing, it needs to give and take. I said I loved him yet all I did was take. I wore him out; I bore him dry of all enthusiasm he had to show he loved me.
Not long after loosing one guy I found another, he was quite a bit older then me but he was charming and caring. He was very gentle and loving. We started seeing each other and it helped with the pain I had been feeling, having someone to talk to and to depend on.
Gradually over a year I realised that I was falling for him, I couldn’t believe it, such a short amount of time had passed between me loosing the closest person to me, how was I able to develop such strong feelings for someone else? Maybe it was just the deepest desire to feel loved and to feel loved in return I don’t know but it was real and I couldn’t control it.
Problem was that this guy was of a culture that didn’t accept me, rejection, all over again. I desperately wanted his family to like me, to accept me. I cant help my skin colour or religion, I am me and knowing I wasn’t liked for just being who I am was the hardest reality to come to terms with. However I was in love and I wanted to prove to everyone that I can treat ppl well and that I can hold down a relationship and that I can be loved in return.
As a couple we went through a lot together, it was with him that I traced my mum, he had become my rock, my solid ground, he made me feel the way I had been dreaming of feeling of so long.
Tracing my mum was the hardest thing physically and emotionally iv ever had to do. I had so many questions that needed answers and I had so many emotions I needed to express. Thing is I couldn’t cry. If I showed how I felt I would be making myself vulnerable and I just couldn’t do it. Fear became my guide and I became fears prisoner.
When I made contact with my mum I discovered a lot of truths that have haunted me ever since, things that ppl always think will never happen to them, things that I now have to learn about in order to find out where I come from. Thing is in amongst all the secrets was something I didn’t expect to find and that was a feeling of love. Through all my hurt and anger at being rejected I still loved her, I wanted to scream at her and tell her how much a hated her for not loving me enough to keep me but the thing is what I realised is it was because she loved me that she gave me away. I reminded myself 'love gives love takes' She wanted me to be protected, to be able to grow up in safety and peace. I can see that now. Thing is yet again I was so wrapped up in the way I felt that I couldn’t see what she went through. She gave up her child because she loved me.
Months passed and I became ill, I was diagnosed with depression I became very irritable and stressed. I took it out on everyone around me. Again history was repeating itself. I pushed my new love away from me; so far he to couldn’t get back.
Suddenly I felt like I had all those yrs ago when I was left once before. I felt rejected, I felt worthless and I felt unable to live, again. This time I did take an overdose. I had just had enough and I wanted out. I convinced myself that the world would be a better place without me. I ended up in hospital, heart monitors all over my body, suicide watch they said. I was so scared; all I could remember was wanting to die now all I wanted was to be home, a night passed and I drifted in and out of sever highs until the drugs had worn off. A blood test later and I was able to go home. I have never appreciated the gift of life the way I did that morning. I was alive and I was relieved.
Its funny how many pal suddenly show they care when you are so needy. Love is not a feeling that is dictated or expected of anyone. It is a feeling which is rooted within ppl, its a feeling that without, this world would be unable to function.
I have experienced many different types of love in the short time I had been alive, I have learnt that to live in fear of love is life’s biggest curse for without it I would not be here today, to tell you of my life, my feelings or my story.
So now when I wake up I step into my life, I put on a smile and I wear it with pride. Sometimes the pain is still there but time is slowly healing. Each day is a challenge, I am still recovering from depression but I will beat it because I wont let it beat me.

Thank you so much for sharing that, its so good to know that im not alone in the way i feel.I really admire the fact that you have learnt to trust someone and that you are able to put your whole self into a relationship and beleive that he is with you because he loves you. He sounds like a really amazing guy, understanding and accepting.
You mention the fact that you also find it hard to express emotion. I do not think that showing how you feel is shamefull because i think emotions are a natural part of life that are there to be experienced but i understand why you dont like crying. I fear being hurt so much that i dont allow myself to be vulnerable, its a cowardly thing i know but when it comes to the crunch of wanting to cry i run away and do it in private, i worry that if someone sees me in tears they will know i can be weak and i worry that if they see im weak they will kick me when im down....does that make sence?
You seem like you have really got your life together, you should be very proud of yourself that you are able to live each day in the future and not dwel on the past, i really do admire you. Thank you again for sharing your story with me, im here if u ever need to chat. take care :)

hey i am so sorry. if you ever need to talk e amil me at princess13060@yahoo.com