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  • Morgan
    19 years ago

    Sitting, listening, wondering…..

    I’m lost in thought, and caught up in lies. Wondering what’s so great about this. I have everything to lose, and nothing to gain. So what’s the point. I’m not sure about anything anymore, not even sure how to be myself, much less how to get past this. I can’t stand feeling lonely, empty, cold…..

    Then the teach says, “Let’s think about our goals. What would you like to accomplish in high school or just life in general.”

    Please don’t pick me, please don’t. I already lie enough as it is. I don’t want to lie to the whole class. I know my goal for life, or lack there of. My goal is just to simply make it through high school, alive. The dead part of me is taking over. I can’t stand it.

    I have a shitty taste in my mouth, that taste of pills, bittersweet.

    Student A, “I want to get through freshman year with all A’s.”
    Good for you. I wish I could to the same too.
    Student B, “I want to make more friends.”
    Friends are good to have. I have some, good ones.
    Student C, oh what’s the point. Same ol’, Same ol’, I want to do this, and this, oh and also this.

    Yeah, shut the hell up. We all know what you really want.

    That wasn’t too painful. I’m glad he didn’t pick me. People can see through you when you lie. They know you.Most of the time they know more about you than you know about them. I’ve heard the rumors, they have heard the stories. I know what they think. The truth about it kills me, it really does. I mean, I know they all think I’m suicidal. I guess I am, in a way. Whatever, suicidal, making the call yourself, accidentally overdosing, it’s all the same. You can put a twist on it, but it all amounts to the same thing. You hated some element about life, and it wouldn’t go away. If it won’t leave you, you must leave it. Either way it’s killing you. I wish I was numb to the pain. It would be so much better. Honestly, I hate this.

    BEEEEEPPPPPP

    The kids are rushing to the door. They are so excited to be able to hear their own voice, not the teacher’s voice. Why are they all so excited, they are just going to another class. Another class, another stupid subject. Why don’t they teach you something that will help in the long run. Yeah, all that math, English, and American history will come in common. But how is it going to come in handy when you can’t hardly drag your ass out of bed. All you can think about is death, not everyone else’s death, your own. Thinking about your funeral, people talking about how they miss you…..

    I guess you never know what you have until you lose it. When you lose it, it’s like the marbles falling out of the jar, they roll and roll. They only roll downhill, never coming back up. You go down to get them, only to realize that you cared so much about them, that your knee is scarped and bleeding. Then you sit and wonder why they mattered so much, but now they are gone and never coming back. Then your bloody knee hurts and you start to cry. All this over damn marbles. But whatever, this paper isn’t amounting to anything at all. Just a step inside my stupid fucked up head.

    Step out of my head and into reality. I’m in advisory, teach says to sit and read. I’ll analyze someone else’s thoughts now, instead of my own.

    i was just thinking back to a really sad day and how i felt. i'm sorry it's confusing. note-it was a confusing time.

  • Logan
    19 years ago

    I'm confused as to what ur looking for out of such post...Are u a pathological liar? All i've picked up is a lack of self worth-cuz u wouldnt be destroying your body by using narcotics otherwise, but thats common. Don't numb yourself, it doesnt make things better, you become a shell and your worth more than that. Your soul starts screaming for literal air and it's horrible, trust me. As for the pills, thats a major internal battle-outside help will not solve nething but it will encourage progress.Never forget your loved. ~LG~

  • ღ*KiM*ღ
    19 years ago

    Yes so am I, I am confused as to what you are hoping to gain through posting this. It has no questions, nothing for anyone to grab on to. I didn't really see the point.

  • Georgi
    19 years ago

    i did. i thought it was....well written. some of the things u said is how i feel sometimes. I enjoyed reading this, its nice to no im not alone

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Garrett
    19 years ago

    i'm sorry you feel that way. We all do at some point. if you want to talk about it, or just want to vent, go to the Shadow Society thread in the Friendship forum and leave me a message. My advice: Smile - it drives them all crazy.

  • RaNdOmGaL
    19 years ago

    right.......................

    *thinks about the fact she is really confused*

    oh ok i sort of get it, i'm really sorry that you feel that way but i still wonder what you want out of this post? is it sympathy you want? or are you just some weird person that is trying to give me a headache by confusing me? well if you are trying to give me a headache........... well done cause you've succeeded!!!!!

    luv RaNdOmGaL xxx

  • Becky
    19 years ago

    hey i deffinately understood your post and im sorry that you feel that way i know how it is i tend to feel like that everyday except more than not i dont take pills i cut so thats a little different if you need to talk i am here for you umm just e-mail me and i will be more than happy to talk even though i am suicidal i have been known to help people out very much i guess i feel like i get something back when i help soemone else it makes me happy i guss well anyways i hpoe your doing better
    luv ya lots
    ☼Becky☼